A work in constant progress

If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living.

Gail Sheehy

I am currently working on an Iconography that I hope to finish by the end of the week, The Anatomy of a Modern Gentleman. As I posted it on a couple places, I always made it clear that it was a work in progress, and that any comment and critique was more than welcome. And then it hit me, the irony of it all. We are all a work in progress, so why are we so unwilling to accept comments and critiques. Why do we hate change so much, yet expect to grow as a person. Do we really think that things can remain the same and yet get better at the same time?

The biggest challenge we will face is that turning point when we realize that we were wrong in our mindset and ideology before, especially in our younger years. Yet we are unwilling to admit such a change in heart, because we fear it would make us look weak or that what we defended so valiantly at one time was really a mistake.

Did you know there is another name for mistakes, especially when you learn from them? It’s called experience. They are the life lessons we can only learn if we are willing to accept that they were mistakes. And that instant of acceptance and understanding is when we begin to grow as a person.

Life is about change, be it because your world changes. We keep hearing about going back to old values and old traditions, but that is impossible. The world today wasn’t the same it was yesterday. If we look only to the past, or even the present, we will miss what the world has in store for us in the future.

We must look at what worked, and learn from where we were wrong. We must grow, change, evolve, and adjust for all of those lessons. Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything. Only then can we become better men.

Do keep in mind, the fact that you are still here, after all the mistakes you’ve done and everything like has thrown your way, proves you can survive everything it can throw your way in the future.

PS. This is the work in progress “Anatomy of a Modern Gentleman.” As I mentioned before, all comments and critique are welcome.

The Man Women Most Want to Spend Time With (Guest post by The Fierce Gentleman)

(Today, we have the honor of having The Fierce Gentleman as a Guest Blogger. I have been a fan of his message and his blog for a while. So I leave you all in the competent hands of @FierceGentleman.)

I was inspired in the following article, The Ethical Lothario, by Being Caballero. 

The esteemed author of this article is correct; we need to stop viewing our interactions with women solely on our ability to mate and match. As he so eloquently put it: "Just because you're not her Mr. Right, doesn't mean you have to be her Mr. Wrong." 

I wanted to share my perspective when I meet women. Female readers may find this enlightening. 

Whatever women I find in front of me is the right woman for me to be talking to at that moment. Because I do not believe in a random universe, I know that we were brought together for a purpose, and there is -- at bare minimum -- a joyful moment of togetherness that we can create. Even if we don't get along. Even if we have no chemistry. Even if we never see each other again. There is also probably something I can learn from her in our interaction, and I do my best to approach every woman in this spirit. 

In fact, it's because we may never see each other again that I practice Presence. What if I am the last man to ever speak to her? I must speak to her tenderly and with my full attention. What if I am the last man to touch her? I must touch her with that in mind. Either of us could die tomorrow. An asteroid could wipe us out in the next minute. Let's make our words and actions count, and not waste time in banter on banal generalities. 

Let me breathe deeply and hold her eye contact, so she knows she has my full attention. Let her blossom in the warmth of my Presence. Most of us don't listen to each other anymore in conversation, so let her have a taste of being really listened to, and the positive effects can ripple outward from there. 

The other point I want to address is the point of neediness; that men see every attractive woman as a potential romantic partner, and approach her in that spirit. This is caused by artificial sexual scarcity instilled by a society seeking to divorce ourselves from genuinely erotic lives, and then sell them back to us piecemeal by connecting sex to every useless consumer gadget we simply must buy. 

In order to escape this twisted manipulation, we as men need to create or re-create our own erotic lives, starting with mindful love of ourselves that does not devolve into empty fantasy (i.e., pornography). If we are nourished and abundant on a physical and emotional level, why would we feel craving or neediness towards a woman? This allows us to enjoy women for everything they offer without attachment to making them a girlfriend, wife or bedmate. 

It will sound silly, but how many of us ever thank our body for all the work it does for us? How many of us are proud of the strength of our arms, the pillars of our legs? Most modern men, I've found, are completely disconnected from their bodies. It's time to plug back into our physicality so we can draw up the energy that the world requires of us. 

But let's not do it for women - let's do it for ourselves, and let everyone benefit.

A Counter-Culture to the Man-child; the Modern Gentleman Movement

Being male is a matter of birth. Being a man is a matter of age. But being a Gentleman is a matter of choice.

Drake

Lately I have seen a mayor rise in articles and sites focused on a revival and the evolution of Gentleman virtues. I use the term evolution because a new Gentleman is actually challenging some of the old traditions and attitudes that lead to the decline of traditional chivalry.

The world has change, as it always does, and so does the role of a Gentleman. Chivalry used to be exclusive for the Knightly orders, yet it evolved into a social code for Nobility. As the importance of a Nobility died out, Gentlemanly behavior became to how men should carry themselves in a Male dominated society. As this Patriarchal society was challenged by the ideals of feminism and gender equality, Gentlemanly attitudes became synonymous with Misogyny to the women and unnecessary gender obligations by men who felt wronged by the women’s movement.

It was these men who felt wronged by the women’s movement who set a counter culture of men unwilling to grow up into their obligations, dragging their teen mentality of self-centeredness and irresponsibility way into their thirties. And it was these men who have given all men a bad name with their interpretations of being a “Nice Guy” and #NotAllMen arguments.

To the surprise of many, the social response to a generation of Man-children was a Culture of Gentlemen willing to hold each other accountable and who expect a lot more from ourselves. And more impressive still is how this new generation of Gentlemen who understand how the traditional attitudes needed to be updated to a modern world. These men challenge a society of entitlement and inequality. And they do so by holding themselves to a higher standard, understanding how every action they take is a reflection of their values and virtues.

We forge forward in a society of men who understand the idea of Accountability. We move into a society that promotes Gender equality, yet do so proud of our masculinity. We are men, proud to be men without the need to make anyone feel inferior. We understand that Modern Gentleman Movement isn’t about think less of others but expect more from themselves.

To my brothers, keep up the good work.

The Ethical Lothario

My duty as a gentleman has never interfered with my pleasures in the smallest degree.

Oscar Wilde

As I was re-editing an article on men who are slut-shamed (yes it happens, article should be out at the end of this week or early next week), I got into an interesting conversation with a couple other writers and editors. The topic in question was how a man could be a Gentleman and yet end up earning a reputation as of a player. “Doesn’t that mean he is taking advantage of them?”

Most sites and books reduce a Gentleman’s relationships with women as either demonstrating you are a good candidate for a relationship or being suave enough that women basically through themselves on him. Not to offend anyone, but both attitudes set up unrealistic expectations on the gentleman, his life, and whatever woman he relates to. He is either has a codependent attitude towards relationships, finding his value only based on someone else’s happiness, or a Lothario, finding his value on how many women he can conquer.

We end up frame every woman he meets as either possible candidate for a relationship or a possible victim of his advances. Do we really need that amount of pressure in our lives? Are we in a constant search for Mrs. Right or for Ms. Right now? What about being Mr. I’m Just Hanging Out or enjoying the company of Ms. Funny and Ms. Hell of a Dancer? Does everything and everyone need to be about this obsession over our roles within the social drama?

Not every dinner is a date and not every drink is a potential hook up.

Unfortunately, between our obsession with relationships and our sexual taboos we are left with a society of codependent isolated socialites. We shames men for being emotionally honest about their relationships needs, reducing intimacy into sex. Worse yet is we reduce sex into a taboo to be explored only perversely behind closed doors without understanding each other. This usually leading to the very culture of manipulations and lies we are trying to condemn.

Before we desperately try to live up to someone else’s standards or try to have someone fit into our own idea of the perfect mate, we need to make peace with ourselves and our own needs. We need to stop viewing everyone in relationship to how they would fit into our lives. Sometimes you just have to let go. We don’t need to go out and label every interaction, or define every interest.

And we, as Gentlemen, need to understand that not every woman needs saving or that they only way they are willing to be with you is by “winning” them over. We also have to understand that “plays” are nothing more than manipulations and deceit. If you need these to impress a woman, you are not a Gentleman. Hell, at that point you are barely a man.

You will be surprised just how much empathy you can achieve between each other when you stop trying to force situations, and enjoy each other’s company simply on the fact that we are each other’s company. We need to stop viewing our interaction with women solely on our ability to mate and match. 

Between Old-School and Modern, I pick both.

It is only the Modern that ever becomes Old-Fashioned.

Oscar Wilde

This has got to be the oldest debate carried on by humanity; the interest of the older generation to hold on to traditions and the younger generation trying to get rid of them. That generational battle has been raging forever. We hear over and over the phrase “these kids today have no respect for traditional values” or “we need to get change everything, start from scratch.”

The older generation will praise old traditions as having stood the test of time, of being the proper way to behave and the proper way to live. They see no reason to change. The younger generations see what is wrong in society, and understand that things need to change.

In my opinion, both attitudes are wrong, horribly wrong.

If we decide to live in a society rooted on the past, we risk stagnation. As with stagnant water, our society would slowly sicken and rote if it stops moving. If we decide to change everything every time we see things that don’t work within our society, we risk never moving forward. We would end up swirling around the same spot. Sort of like a toilet.

Life should not be about change for change’s sake, but about evolution. We must move forward.

When you look back in a critical fashion at old traditions, you realize that they are the result of previous traditions themselves. Society is constantly changing and our values and beliefs should change in accord.