The Liberating Beauty “F… It”

Listen, smile, agree and then do whatever the fuck you were gonna do anyway.

Robert Downey Jr.

As I have grown older, and hopefully wiser, I have taken up the task of self-reflection and social observation. As I do this, I am left with a rather interesting thought; I find that I am proving myself to other less and less. What I am not sure about is the “Why.” It could be that I make less mistakes, that I am more considerate of others, or that I hold myself more accountable over my actions. Or it could be that I really stopped giving a f@ck what most people think about me.

I’m pretty sure it’s the latter.

You will find that in your life you feel obligated to prove your opinions to plenty of people around you, some who aren’t even important in your life. Just look at any thread within social media, as people will go virulent on anyone who thinks differently. Other times you find yourself constantly trying to prove your worth to those closest to you, trying to make them see all that you are willing to do and be in an attempt to receive their approval. The main problem with these actions is that the very person you seek to impress has no intention to see your worth.

You may find yourself in the receiving end of others willing to belittle you; make you feel less than worthy just because they are miserable within their own lives. If they are miserable, EVERYONE has to be miserable.

Others are so convinced that their own way of looking at things is the only way to look at things. They hold their opinions as the only valid truths and try to shove them down the throats of everyone else. Anyone with a different opinion is simply wrong within their eyes.

Still other times, people will make you out to be a bad person simply so they don’t feel guilty about the things they did to you. It’s a lot easier to blame your actions on someone by assuming they deserve it. God forbid they should take responsibility for their own actions.

So, when I take all of these possibilities into account, I have come to the conclusion that people need to be responsible for themselves, and that includes the ignoring all the naysayers and critics. You’re not here to please others but rather to better yourself. If by bettering yourself others are please, great. If not…

Sometimes f@ck it is a perfectly acceptable response.

A Gentleman’s Sport

Win like a man. Lose like a man. You know what's worse than a loser? Someone who won't admit he played it wrong.

Kevin Spacey (21)

I have mentioned my grandfather several times within this blog as an influential mentor and my first guide to the lifestyle of the old school gentleman. I have also mentioned how gambling was something done openly as it was legal and part of his business. There were plenty of times when he would take me with him as he conducted his business, as he wanted me to see how a gentleman conducted himself within society. 

Other than the usual places you's expect to go when running a restaurant/bar, he would take me to some rather "colorful" places. The first place we would frequent was the horse track, as he rented a space for a legal betting shop within his building. The second was the local cock fighting arena as one of his hobbies was breeding fighting cocks.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that my mother probably had no idea the places where my grandfather was taking me. Then again, what can you really expect from the owner of a bar looking over his grandson. No wonder why the first lesson he taught me was that gentlemen have tight lips.

Whenever my grandfather mentioned the cock fighting arena, he would speak of it as “the gentleman’s sport.” He would make me dress up, as he wore his finest guayabera, every time we headed off to the Arena.  As a kid you learn that dressing up meant you had to be in your best behavior.

Before you make a judgment call on cock fighting, let me make it clear, this isn’t a story about that. As I have grown older, my opinion on this cultural aspect of my youth has changed, but I’m not here to moralize about those topics.

There I saw my grandfather win and lose, always with a smile and with dignity, never changing his demeanor. No matter the chaos happening around us, he would never lose his cool. Once, he let me call the bet. As I got excited because I won, he simply placed his hand on my shoulder and in a low voice told me to control myself.

“Remember that every time you win, someone else lost. Don’t make them feel any worse.”

Later on that day, I asked him to let me place another bet as I was feeling rather lucky already. That time I lost, and reacted just as would be expected from a young boy. Again, he placed his hand on my shoulder and laid some more wisdom on me.

“When you play, you always risk losing. Don’t let your loss tarnish another person’s win.”

In his eyes, gambling was a “gentleman’s sport,” and in a way he was right. A couple words and a handshake is all it takes to make an agreement more binding than any piece of paper, as your word becomes your bond. You accept accountability for your actions and decisions. You learned to keep your cool under pressure. Winning or losing with dignity becomes how you showed respect to the other person involved in the wager. And isn’t that an integral part of being a Gentleman? How else would you call a man who’s able to keep his word and control his emotions, one who’s accountable for his actions and conscious of others fortune?

Just make sure that if you have to bet, bet on yourself no matter the odds.

Wake Up

Without change, something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken.

Frank Herbert

As we live through this world, we often find ourselves merely existing. Sure, we continue comfortably, not because things are going well, but because we have grown comfortable with our discomforts. Like that nagging back pain that will never go away or those shoes that are too tight, we have learned to adjust how we live to lessen the discomfort to a point that’s tolerable. And then we dismiss it as part of what it means to exist.

We see it in our everyday routine, repeated time and time again enough to a point that you no longer need any actually active brain cells to continue with your life. We see it in a dysfunctional relationship where the only communication is either discussion on how to pay bills or arguments over what pisses each other this time. We see it in a life where you simply forgot to even give up on life as you dull your soul out with poison; be it alcohol, drugs, or something as simple as lot of TV time.

But if you are lucky, if you are truly blessed, you will receive a wakeup call, a moment when merely existing is no longer acceptable. Maybe it was a medical crisis. Maybe it was a marital crisis. Maybe it was a financial crisis. Or maybe it was simply realizing that you could no longer look at yourself in the mirror as you lost who you were.

When I said that you are fortunate for having woken up by hitting bottom, I wasn’t being sarcastic. Some people hit bottom, and even then won’t wake up. You realized that you needed to change, grow, and better yourself. You understood that you couldn’t take another day as the man you were. That alone is commendable but don’t expect any celebratory parade as too often men wake up simply to change position and go right back to sleep.

Not this time. Not today.

Today you dust yourself off and you stretch yourself out, because the road ahead isn’t an easy own. It will force you to become accountable for every wrong choice you’ve done and to stop blaming yourself for everything you have no control over. You will unburden yourself of what’s not needed and carry a new load of all that you need in your new journey. Brothers, awaken and walk down your path. At the end, what changes isn’t simply your life, but the fact that now you are alive.

Gentleman’s Agreement

You must accept that you might fail; then, if you do your best and still don't win, at least you can be satisfied that you've tried. If you don't accept failure as a possibility, you don't set high goals, you don't branch out, you don't try - you don't take the risk.

Rosalynn Carter

We live in a society of extremes. On one end, people tend to live staked down in their comfort zone were personal safety and risk are reduced to a minimum and whatever risky actions they take are done under the blankets of online anonymity. On the other end we find people doing dumb stunts and ridiculous acts in a desperate attempt to achieve Viral Fame and Reality TV notoriety. This leaves us with either people unwilling to stand up and be noticed or people desperate to be noticed for all the wrong reasons without any understanding of the repercussions of their actions. In either case, fear and voluntary ignorance become the law of the land as neither is the result of actual bravery and risk taking and neither takes responsibility nor accountability for the repercussions of their actions or inaction.

This saddens me greatly as this mentality is slowly killing the “Gentleman’s Sport.” But what IS the Gentleman’s Sport, you ask? Gambling.

Before you condemn my choice of athletic endeavor, hear me out. I grew up in a place where gambling was, and still is, pretty much legal for all accounts. You would think that between the casinos, the horse tracks, the pool halls, and the sporting events of all kinds; a culture of respect and honor would be hard to find. It was quite the contrary. All betting was done under the idea that a gentleman’s agreement meant he would keep his word and would honor whatever was agreed upon during the bet. It was expected of him to win humbly and lose graciously.

As the grandson of a bar/restaurant owner, I got front row seats to this environment as I saw plenty of these transactions happen as a boy. I asked my grandfather why anyone would pay if they lost a bet. After being sternly stared at for about a minute, he explained to me what it meant to be honorable in the simplest way…

This is a gentleman’s sport. A gentleman accepts his fate, good or bad, when he shakes another gentleman’s hand. He has to be fully aware of the risks involved before he can even consider reaping any rewards. By shaking on it, he admits he is willing to live with the repercussions of his decision, like a Gentleman. There will always be a winner and a loser, but how we behave in either situation is what sets us apart.

That’s when I understood a simple reality of life. We can’t live as if we can’t fail, take risks without understanding what we are risking if things go wrong. If we do this, we won’t be able to deal with the repercussions of our actions. Risk isn’t about ignoring what can go wrong, but understanding the possibility of it going wrong to the point that you are no longer afraid of it. You then become fully aware of your actions and decisions, of what you can win or lose with each breath you take. At that point you can win without being arrogant and you can lose graciously.