Never Make Yourself The Exception

There are three things in the world that deserve no mercy; hypocrisy, fraud, and tyranny.

Frederick William Robertson

Social media is an interesting thing, as it allows anyone to cast on themselves whatever image they wish. It’s like participating in a masquerade ball at a global scale where perception is more important than truth, where portraying an awesome life is more important than having one. On the opposite side of the same coin, online anonymity allows us to cart-blanc to wallow in our most base reactionary comments and actions. It allows us to judge others while at the same time excusing our own sins. And thus, online communities become at its core the land of the hypocrite.

This needs to change.

A long time ago I was told a simple truth. “Respect is what you offer others but honor is what you keep with yourself.” That’s a poetic way of saying that the only way you can talk the talk is if you walk the walk. Yet today we often love to make judgement calls on everyone, but when our own behavior is in question, we are quick to find some kind of moral justification, some excuse to why OUR behavior isn’t incorrect while if the same thing is done by another, THEY are wrong. All too often, the most judgmental among us, when caught committing the same sins they condemn, will easily excuse their behavior as they play dumb about their actions, will blame it on being human, or find some other morally ambiguous excuse.

Honestly? Being human IS an excuse to laps in moral judgement. In truth, it’s the only real excuse for it. But parading on the high ground while constantly lapsing in your own actions basically turns you into a hypocrite. And there is no greater sin than being a hypocrite.

And that’s where it bothers me. I tend to gravitate to like-minded individuals, people who hold themselves up to standards usually above those necessary in today’s society. Even if I don’t agree with you, if you are honest about yourself, I can respect you as a person. Yet so often I have found myself butting heads with those who call themselves moral people, yet after you strip away their labels and masks, are far worse than those they condemn. Their ACT of superiority is done by putting others down simply to hide their own flawed nature.

This behavior is unacceptable and inexcusable. People who act this way aren’t just lying about who they are, but are willing to hurt others to keep up this lie. Sure, they might act that way due to a personal need for approval or to compensate for insecurities, but honestly, hurting someone else because you are hurt isn’t acceptable. If anything, it’s the most dangerous form of selfishness and these people receive no sympathy from me.

You don’t need to be liked by everyone. That’s ok. You don’t even need to be morally correct always. We are human after all. What we do need is to respect others and honor who we are. What we need is an open honesty about who we are and stop making excuses for ourselves. I’ll gladly take an enemy I can respect over a friend I can’t any day.

Gentleman’s Agreement

You must accept that you might fail; then, if you do your best and still don't win, at least you can be satisfied that you've tried. If you don't accept failure as a possibility, you don't set high goals, you don't branch out, you don't try - you don't take the risk.

Rosalynn Carter

We live in a society of extremes. On one end, people tend to live staked down in their comfort zone were personal safety and risk are reduced to a minimum and whatever risky actions they take are done under the blankets of online anonymity. On the other end we find people doing dumb stunts and ridiculous acts in a desperate attempt to achieve Viral Fame and Reality TV notoriety. This leaves us with either people unwilling to stand up and be noticed or people desperate to be noticed for all the wrong reasons without any understanding of the repercussions of their actions. In either case, fear and voluntary ignorance become the law of the land as neither is the result of actual bravery and risk taking and neither takes responsibility nor accountability for the repercussions of their actions or inaction.

This saddens me greatly as this mentality is slowly killing the “Gentleman’s Sport.” But what IS the Gentleman’s Sport, you ask? Gambling.

Before you condemn my choice of athletic endeavor, hear me out. I grew up in a place where gambling was, and still is, pretty much legal for all accounts. You would think that between the casinos, the horse tracks, the pool halls, and the sporting events of all kinds; a culture of respect and honor would be hard to find. It was quite the contrary. All betting was done under the idea that a gentleman’s agreement meant he would keep his word and would honor whatever was agreed upon during the bet. It was expected of him to win humbly and lose graciously.

As the grandson of a bar/restaurant owner, I got front row seats to this environment as I saw plenty of these transactions happen as a boy. I asked my grandfather why anyone would pay if they lost a bet. After being sternly stared at for about a minute, he explained to me what it meant to be honorable in the simplest way…

This is a gentleman’s sport. A gentleman accepts his fate, good or bad, when he shakes another gentleman’s hand. He has to be fully aware of the risks involved before he can even consider reaping any rewards. By shaking on it, he admits he is willing to live with the repercussions of his decision, like a Gentleman. There will always be a winner and a loser, but how we behave in either situation is what sets us apart.

That’s when I understood a simple reality of life. We can’t live as if we can’t fail, take risks without understanding what we are risking if things go wrong. If we do this, we won’t be able to deal with the repercussions of our actions. Risk isn’t about ignoring what can go wrong, but understanding the possibility of it going wrong to the point that you are no longer afraid of it. You then become fully aware of your actions and decisions, of what you can win or lose with each breath you take. At that point you can win without being arrogant and you can lose graciously. 

Chivalry: Is it Classist or Elitist?

A noble man compares and estimates himself by an idea which is higher than himself; and a mean man, by one lower than himself. The one produces aspiration; the other ambition, which is the way in which a vulgar man aspires.

Marcus Aurelius

With this post we end this Chivalry centric week which, to my surprise and enjoyment, has had some rather positive reactions. (Note to self, make more themed week posts) For closing, I thought it might be a good thing to touch on a topic that is often related in a negative aspect with chivalry. That is the immediate social relation between chivalry, classism, and elitism.

Let me start by saying the following, they are right… up to a point. Chivalry originated as a code of ethics for members of the Warrior class or the Nobility. Keep in mind how the world worked back then, your life was pretty much determined by the social class you were born into. If you were born to artisan parents, you pretty much were going to be an artisan. If your parents were from the Warrior Class, you were going to be a warrior. You pretty much followed in your father’s footsteps…even if you didn’t want to. It’s not like you had much of a choice. So, if you followed chivalry back then, it was basically because you were born to the Warrior elite or the Nobility and chivalry was pretty much thrusted on you.

As society advanced and it’s rigid black and white class system started to take shades of grey, we see the ideas of chivalry seep into all social classes as a way for men to better themselves. The philosophy of the “lord’s son” was now something that any man could use to mold his life. As travel and education became more and more accessible, some men would no longer let their birth limit what they could achieve, so they expected more from themselves in all aspects of their lives.

Thus we have the ideal of the well rounded man, the superior man, as something any man could aspire. And that created an elitist mentality, a mentality where men chose to become elite. You see, greatness isn’t something that choses you. You CHOSE to be great; you CHOSE to be the kind of man others can look up to. The lonely people who see this kind of elitism as a bad thing are those men who pray to the cult of averageness and condemn excellence.

As for classism? Base and honorless men can be found anywhere, as can Virtuous men; from the executive suite to sleeping in the streets. Financial success doesn’t make you a devil, just as financial challenges make you a saint. Last I checked virtues, character, respect, and determination don’t come with a monetary price tag on them.

You chose the kind of man you are, and expecting more from yourself isn’t a bad thing. My advice to you? As cliché as it might sound; always chose to be better a better man than the man you were yesterday. 

Always Start With Your Best Foot Forward

Pride is taking less than you need.

Khalil Gibran

We are constantly bombarded with the idea that we live in a narcissist society. People constantly post how awesome their lives are in FB, upload selfie after selfie in a desperate need for likes, and post comments on every social post in a need to feel heard. There is a rather interesting irony to all of this need for attention and recognition. Of all the questions and posts people make, there is one that challenges more than any other, one that even the most confident person seems to have problems answering, and yet it’s one of the most common within our social interaction.

Tell me about yourself.

We have become so self-conscious about not sounding arrogant and about being humble that we tend to sell ourselves short or act humble for narcissistic reasons. Other times we use the “start weak / end strong” strategy that works great in conflict situations. This stratagem doesn’t quite work in a non-conflict environment. Let’s look at both cases.

I want you to consider two things about what you are doing when selling yourself short when being humble of whom you are. The first to review is the reason why you are doing this. If you are good at something, stating it is nothing more than stating a truth. Note that I am not talking about ramping up your self-importance, but why do you feel you must hide the matter-of-fact aspects? The problem is that we are made to feel ashamed of success, or at least not to be proud of it. Are you doing it because you are ashamed of your success or of what you have achieved? Are you actually being humble or are you just selling the idea of being humble? Are you selling it to others? Or worse, to yourself?

The other aspect is the “start weak / end strong” tactic. This works great in a prolonged conflict situation where you can take advantage of the miscommunication. You start out weak, giving yourself time to better read your opponent while at the same time causes your opponent to underestimate you. In this kind of interaction, this strategy works great. The problem is that this one doesn’t work well at all when you want to create a positive impression on a person.

When you meet someone, you start creating a frame over which you define a picture of the person. This foundation establishes the base idea, your initial opinion of the person. To avoid giving an impression of arrogance, people tend to avoid starting with the positive aspects of themselves, or if they do, these aspects are down played. The logic is that the person will later realize just how good of a person you really are when they get to know you better.

Remember that you have to consider the other participant of the conversation. If you start off explaining the negative aspects of who you are, THAT will be the foundation they will use to define you. Everything else you state after that will be based over that negative view that YOU created for them. Interestingly enough, after the base frame is created in a person’s head, a lot of what you say afterwards is simply static noise, so whatever positive elements you dish out are lost.

That being said, you should start with the positive aspects of yourself. If you know who you are and what you are worth, you should have nothing to hide or be ashamed of. This will create a positive frame though which the person will view you. And you are doing this by being honest about yourself. You can follow up with the not so positive elements, mostly for disclosure purposes. Keep in mind that if you are a good person, successful in what you do, and honorable in your character; it has been because of a conscious effort and hard work. This is something you should never be ashamed of.