Role Models, Sexting, and Child Pornography

Shout out to all of the women, across the world, using their brains, their strength, their work ethic, their talent, their ‘magic’ that they were born with, that only they possess. It may not ever bring you as much ‘attention’ or bank notes as using your body, your sex, your tits and asses, but women like you don’t need that kind of ‘attention.’

In the quiet moments, you will feel something deeper than the fleeting excitement resulting from attention; you will feel something called pride and self respect. Keep resisting the urge to cave. You’ll never have to make silly excuses for yourself.

Pink

Some time ago, the internet went into a short lived “frenzy,” as internet frenzies go, as a social media celebrity posted yet another nude picture of herself. Some people criticized her for exploiting her looks and objectifying herself while other’s applauded her bravery for embracing her body and being empowered by her sexuality. If I’m completely honest, I couldn’t have care less about the entire affair. It’s her life, her body, and her choices. Besides, I have better things to do with my time and if I’m even more honest, the modern definition of “bravery” still seems to elude me. That’s till I heard the phrase “role model for young girls” being thrown around, and I was appalled.

You may notice how I try to steer away from discussions that in any way tell women how to act or behave. I leave that kind of discussions about women and their issues to those who know more about them than I do, specifically women. But when we use terms like role models to young girls, there are plenty of fathers who need to realize the very real danger of this kind of debate. Those who have daughters need to see what society defines as applaudable behavior to women. Those who have sons need to see how society defines as worth while women.

And just as the modern definition of “bravery” seems to elude me, the definition of “role model” seems to elude so many within our society. At its simplest form, a role model is someone you try to emulate, as they represent the standard you want to achieve. They are the example of what you can become. So when we say that this woman is a role model for young girls, you are saying that young girls should emulate (read as copy) her actions. And I might here you saying that nobody can tell girls what to do with their body, as doing so would be body shaming or just plain sexist.

That’s great and all if you also took the time to tell girls (and boys) the legal consequences of taking half naked pictures of themselves! A naked pic of anyone under 18 is basically child pornography. That means anyone taking the pic, even if it’s of themselves is manufacturing child pornography from a criminal perspective. And yes…Child, under the definition of the law is anyone under 18 years of age. So that 16 year old girl taking a topless pic of herself or that 17 year old boy taking a dick pic is in fact producing Child pornography. And to those unaware of the legal consequences, this is a first degree crime; you know.. with a penalty comparable to premeditated murder.

And it gets even more interesting from there.

Having a questionable picture of a minor (even if it’s of yourself) in your phone constitutes possession of Child pornography (5 years in prison) while forwarding it (or posting it online) constitutes distribution (10 years in prison). Sending a nude pic to a minor (again, younger than 18) is exposing them to pornography and “corrupting influences,” each location having their own selection of criminal penalties. FB and Instagram banning nipple shots has nothing to do with slut shaming and everything to do with legal regulations.

The problem here is that parents want to believe that our teens are old enough to handle themselves, something our teens try to convince us about constantly. It’s that or parents don’t want to assume their obligation as parents. Pick which ever you want, the criminal system doesn’t really care. The legal system defines a child in the simplest way possible. Under 18? You’re problem, mom and dad. Oh, by the way, Social Services wants to sit down with you and chat about the kind of household you have.

Its funny how during the entire debate of whether a person can be empowered by posting their body all over the internet and how we should respect her as a role model, not once did anyone explain to young girls and boys what would happen if they did the same. Any picture with any kind of questionable content that gets posted, forwarded, or unwittingly uploaded to a cloud will last for eternity and will resurface when they can cause the most damage to a person. Ironically, this was something the celebrity mentioned she deals with every time her sex tape resurfaces, yet not once did she tell her younger followers to not do.

You don’t want something to resurface? Start by not posting it.

You might think that I’m exaggerating the repercussions, as this kind of behavior is so common place nowadays. The reality is that the laws haven’t yet caught up with social media and phone trends. Sure, courts might be lenient if they understand that this was a dumb kid making a dumb mistake. Other times they might not and make an example of the youth.

That doesn’t get us, as parents, off the hook for not teaching our kids the consequences of their actions, online and offline. We need to understand that even if it’s their phone, it’s our legal responsibility how they use it. We need to be more selective on who we assign the label of role model. Most importantly, it’s our job to teach our kids that if they ever want respect, they first have to respect themselves.

Proud Mama’s Boy

A man who treats his woman like a princess is proof that he has been raised by a queen.

Wiz Khalifa

In a world where part of what people assume they need to hide part of which they are, resulting in people walking around with social masks. Some of these masks are to protect themselves from being exposed and hurt by others. Other masks are to portray an image they think others will like. The result, either way, is that people are left not knowing what to expect from someone.

This has been a constant topic mentioned by most women I have spoken with, as they don’t know what kind of man they often have before them in social settings. These men present themselves as Gentlemen, yet later on show their true colors as being a lot less. This has led plenty of women to have issues trusting anyone who carries the Gentleman label. Other men present themselves as being stoic or irresponsible or even uncaring, yet when the lady allows them to open up, they are in actuality perfect gentlemen who simply carried their masks as a shield to protect themselves as a result of past heartbreaks.

So this leaves Ladies in a rather confusing situation. Is the gentleman an actual gentleman or simply a wolf in sheep’s clothing? Is he really that bad of a person or is he really just trying to keep safe a heart of gold? There is a simple way to know. It’s just that you need to know where to look. You want to know how a man will treat a woman after all masks and shields fall off? Look at how he treats the one woman who met him before he put on his mask.

Look at how he treats his mother.

Most Gentlemen learn how to behave like warriors and learn the ceremonial side of society from their fathers or male role models. Now days, thanks to the evolution of modern dads, they also learn that life isn’t just work, as they learn to have fun and enjoy life from their fathers as well. That is why I constantly promote the inclusion of a male role model within a boy’s development.

Yet from their mother, they tend to learn how to respect and care for women. Moms become the first woman a man will care for. Here is where he will learn respect and responsibility about words and action done in front of a lady. It doesn’t need to be his biological mother. We see this in men with close relationships with their stepmothers, grandmothers, aunts, or big sister. In her presence, they will carry themselves as they want to be seen by them. And these lessons become engrained within their soul. This is why having a proper female role is so important.

I have noticed this to be a recurring trait among those who live under the Gentleman code. Yes, they might stray from the code during part of their lives, as they forget those lessons at one point or another. Yet these very men, those who have lost their way, will even straighten up with a single though, “what will my mother think.” Ladies, you might at one point or another complain about a gentleman’s mother, but if he treats you with respect and lovingly, this is the woman you should be thanking. She forged that side of his moral structure.

So, if you ever want to know how a man treats women, what he thinks of them, just look at how he treats his mother. You will quite often see that any man, who treats her with respect, will often do the same with you. So next time you wonder about this, see if the gentleman in question is a Proud Mama’s Boy.

Rejection, The Online Dating Edition or "What The Hell’s Wrong With Guys Today?"

Most fears of rejection rest on the desire for approval from other people. Don't base your self-esteem on their opinions.

Harvey Mackay

A couple of days ago, a post was forwarded to me by a female friend asking for my opinion. The  basic idea of the post? As the article opening statement clearly mentions: “Man gives attention to a woman. Woman expresses her lack of desire for said attention. Man immediately turns hostile.” To read the full article, click here. My friend’s question was pretty simple.

What the hell’s wrong with guys today?

In actuality, her comments were a little more complex and involve several phrases that would shame most experienced seamen, but that’s neither here nor there. To be honest, I can’t really blame her comments as I have noticed how common this behavior is in the online dating circuit. It’s common enough to merit the Internet’s attention by exposing this behavior in previous articles like this one and this one. After looking this, and plenty more information about the subject I ended up with just one question in mind.

What the hell’s wrong with guys today?

Sure, we could blame a patriarchal society, male entitlement, and sexism. Everyone else seems to do it. But to be honest, every time people place blame on such abstract concept, it’s usually so they don’t have to think about an issue and find a more tangible cause and solution, it’s little more than a cop out.

So I started thinking about it, why can’t any of these guys (note that I will neither use the term men nor gentlemen when speaking about these guys) take the hint that the lady in question isn’t interested, nor why can’t they accept a simple “No.” What’s the emotional and social baggage that makes them incapable of dealing with rejection? And that’s when it hit me. The key word to find an answer isn’t “men,” or “sexism;” it’s “rejection.”

Please keep in mind as we move forward that I’m not saying that these guys aren’t sexist. What I’m saying is that they turn hostile (hurt) due to a rejection. They probably would have shown their sexist colors anyway later on. Also this isn’t your typical man, as most men aren’t like this. Unfortunately, today’s social media lives by feeding you with the worst case as if it was the typical case. We eat it up, share it out, and relate to it because who can’t relate with the idea of dealing with that one asshole who ruined your entire day?

But back to the topic in hand, why do these guys act this way? Because we trained them this way! Just take a second, stop thinking about the actual event and think about what we have been taught about dealing with rejection. They usually come in two varieties.

“Never take ‘No’ for an answer. Rejection just means you need to try harder.”

or

“It’s not that you’re not good enough. It’s that the other person failed to see what you had to offer”

These might sound like wonderful and inspiring life messages until you think about their effect on a person’s behavior. The first one teaches you that ‘No’ is unacceptable and that whenever you get that answer, you just need to try harder and more aggressively to achieve your success. Nice lesson to learn is a society where consent is so important whenever you are interacting with anyone. The second one teaches you to blame everything on everyone around you and their rejection is viewed as an attack based on the other person’s issues. Then we wonder where our current attitude of entitlement comes from.

We have these lessons drilled into our minds since we are kids. How many times have we heard a Mom tell her young boy that he’s special, and if the other kids don’t want to play with him, it’s their loss? (while glad that her wonderful son is no longer dating that tramp) How many times have we heard a Dad tell his daughter that she’s too good for the boy who dumped her? (while secretly planning the jerk’s demise)

But why do we see this behavior typically from guys? It’s not that women don’t have their fair share of assholes. It’s that in our current social behavior it’s the man who usually does the opening move. Due to this, the numeric probability is that you will see more male assholes than female assholes, at least in this specific scenario. It’s not that women don’t do the same, as there are plenty of stories of gals questioning a man’s masculinity as soon as he rejects her.

So how do we keep this from happening, or at the very least lessen the probabilities of this happening? We could start teaching our kids to deal with rejection from a positive perspective. We need to stop teaching how to handle hearing the word ‘No’ in a way that the person doesn’t feel insulted. We need to stop measuring our self-worth based on other people’s approval.

Speaking While Listening

When you are listening to somebody, completely, attentively, then you are listening not only to the words, but also to the feeling of what is being conveyed, to the whole of it, not part of it.

Jiddu Krishnamurti

As I continue this week focusing on Social Skills, I think it’s a good time to revisit the importance of the communication that happens when we are listening to others. Sure, I touched this before, the importance of listening to others instead of just waiting your turn to reply, but I think we should also discuss what you communicate to the speaker as you listen. Yes, what you say to the person speaking as you listen silently.

Communications and conversations go past the simple idea of one person speaking and another listening. There is an entire underlining conversation created by the listener that most people aren’t usually aware they are projecting. As the speaker speaks, he is constantly looking for cues and validations from the listener. In a way, listening isn’t enough, but reminding the speaker that he is being listened becomes just as important. If you don’t believe me, just consider how annoying it is to speak with someone swiping around on their mobile.

When listening and paying attention, you have to consider if the speaker understands that you are listening and paying attention. This makes them feel acknowledged and validated, even when you might not agree with them. There are several ways to do this; including full physical attention, reflective listening, avoiding verbal and nonverbal barriers, and eye contact.

Full Physical Attention is when your body language reflects your interest in the speaker. In simple terms, this is about using your entire body to demonstrate your interest and show attention to what the person is saying. You must face the speaker square on, with the appropriate distance, and even lean forward to “better hear the speaker.” Your hands and legs should remain uncrossed, in what is considered an “open” stance. Moving in response to the speaker’s comments, like nodding and facial expressions, lets him know your opinion about the subject matter.

Reflective Listening is repeating back to the speaker what you understood. It validates to the speaker not only the fact that you were listening but your understanding of what was said. It allows the speaker to make clarifications and even expand on what was said before. It turns what would usually be considered an passive act into an active act.

Avoid Barriers, conscious or unconscious, that might put off the speaker. There are two types of barriers listens use; Verbal and Nonverbal barriers. Verbal Barriers are based on the tone or the content of your response. A vocal tone can give a condescending interpretation or a reaction that feels preachy, moralizing, or even shaming will shut down the conversation as a shared experience. Nonverbal Barriers are usually done unconsciously and harder to control if you’re not paying attention to your own body language. These can range from eye rolling or closing your body up (slouching or arms or legs crossed) to something as simple as lack of eye contact and fidgeting.

A conversation is a shared event where both people are communicating with each other, even when it’s only one person doing the talking. You must accept your responsibility for the message you project as a listener as the speaker for the works he uses.

Never Make Yourself The Exception

There are three things in the world that deserve no mercy; hypocrisy, fraud, and tyranny.

Frederick William Robertson

Social media is an interesting thing, as it allows anyone to cast on themselves whatever image they wish. It’s like participating in a masquerade ball at a global scale where perception is more important than truth, where portraying an awesome life is more important than having one. On the opposite side of the same coin, online anonymity allows us to cart-blanc to wallow in our most base reactionary comments and actions. It allows us to judge others while at the same time excusing our own sins. And thus, online communities become at its core the land of the hypocrite.

This needs to change.

A long time ago I was told a simple truth. “Respect is what you offer others but honor is what you keep with yourself.” That’s a poetic way of saying that the only way you can talk the talk is if you walk the walk. Yet today we often love to make judgement calls on everyone, but when our own behavior is in question, we are quick to find some kind of moral justification, some excuse to why OUR behavior isn’t incorrect while if the same thing is done by another, THEY are wrong. All too often, the most judgmental among us, when caught committing the same sins they condemn, will easily excuse their behavior as they play dumb about their actions, will blame it on being human, or find some other morally ambiguous excuse.

Honestly? Being human IS an excuse to laps in moral judgement. In truth, it’s the only real excuse for it. But parading on the high ground while constantly lapsing in your own actions basically turns you into a hypocrite. And there is no greater sin than being a hypocrite.

And that’s where it bothers me. I tend to gravitate to like-minded individuals, people who hold themselves up to standards usually above those necessary in today’s society. Even if I don’t agree with you, if you are honest about yourself, I can respect you as a person. Yet so often I have found myself butting heads with those who call themselves moral people, yet after you strip away their labels and masks, are far worse than those they condemn. Their ACT of superiority is done by putting others down simply to hide their own flawed nature.

This behavior is unacceptable and inexcusable. People who act this way aren’t just lying about who they are, but are willing to hurt others to keep up this lie. Sure, they might act that way due to a personal need for approval or to compensate for insecurities, but honestly, hurting someone else because you are hurt isn’t acceptable. If anything, it’s the most dangerous form of selfishness and these people receive no sympathy from me.

You don’t need to be liked by everyone. That’s ok. You don’t even need to be morally correct always. We are human after all. What we do need is to respect others and honor who we are. What we need is an open honesty about who we are and stop making excuses for ourselves. I’ll gladly take an enemy I can respect over a friend I can’t any day.