Speaking While Listening

When you are listening to somebody, completely, attentively, then you are listening not only to the words, but also to the feeling of what is being conveyed, to the whole of it, not part of it.

Jiddu Krishnamurti

As I continue this week focusing on Social Skills, I think it’s a good time to revisit the importance of the communication that happens when we are listening to others. Sure, I touched this before, the importance of listening to others instead of just waiting your turn to reply, but I think we should also discuss what you communicate to the speaker as you listen. Yes, what you say to the person speaking as you listen silently.

Communications and conversations go past the simple idea of one person speaking and another listening. There is an entire underlining conversation created by the listener that most people aren’t usually aware they are projecting. As the speaker speaks, he is constantly looking for cues and validations from the listener. In a way, listening isn’t enough, but reminding the speaker that he is being listened becomes just as important. If you don’t believe me, just consider how annoying it is to speak with someone swiping around on their mobile.

When listening and paying attention, you have to consider if the speaker understands that you are listening and paying attention. This makes them feel acknowledged and validated, even when you might not agree with them. There are several ways to do this; including full physical attention, reflective listening, avoiding verbal and nonverbal barriers, and eye contact.

Full Physical Attention is when your body language reflects your interest in the speaker. In simple terms, this is about using your entire body to demonstrate your interest and show attention to what the person is saying. You must face the speaker square on, with the appropriate distance, and even lean forward to “better hear the speaker.” Your hands and legs should remain uncrossed, in what is considered an “open” stance. Moving in response to the speaker’s comments, like nodding and facial expressions, lets him know your opinion about the subject matter.

Reflective Listening is repeating back to the speaker what you understood. It validates to the speaker not only the fact that you were listening but your understanding of what was said. It allows the speaker to make clarifications and even expand on what was said before. It turns what would usually be considered an passive act into an active act.

Avoid Barriers, conscious or unconscious, that might put off the speaker. There are two types of barriers listens use; Verbal and Nonverbal barriers. Verbal Barriers are based on the tone or the content of your response. A vocal tone can give a condescending interpretation or a reaction that feels preachy, moralizing, or even shaming will shut down the conversation as a shared experience. Nonverbal Barriers are usually done unconsciously and harder to control if you’re not paying attention to your own body language. These can range from eye rolling or closing your body up (slouching or arms or legs crossed) to something as simple as lack of eye contact and fidgeting.

A conversation is a shared event where both people are communicating with each other, even when it’s only one person doing the talking. You must accept your responsibility for the message you project as a listener as the speaker for the works he uses.

Scripted Accidents

Life's like a play: it's not the length, but the excellence of the acting that matters.

Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Some time ago, I mentioned the importance of Social Skills in today’s society. I also mentioned how we at Being Caballero would post articles focusing on ‘tricks’ and ‘hacks’ to help out in developing your own Social Skills. If I am completely honest, I haven’t posted these kinds of articles as much as I might have wanted; something I plan to remedy this week. In an old post, I made a comparison between casual conversation and martial art forms, but now that I reread it, I think it needs to be expanded to include actual strategies. For that reason, today I want to talk to you about the art of Scripting.

What is Scripting?

Before you start mentioning coding, scripting is the ability to have a series of comments or answers pre-rehearsed or ‘programed’ into your everyday behavior. O.K., it’s sort of like coding. We all have these pre-programed comments and responses, no matter who you are. It’s that automatic “good morning” or “hello” you say without thinking or that unconscious smile you share back when someone smiles at you. If you still don’t believe that everyone does it without thinking, just think about the typical answer most people give a doctor when he asks how they are. First they say “Fine, thank you” and THEN they proceed to say everything that’s wrong.

So what if we could maximize our own ability to script conversation or the other person’s automatic response to these scripts? To do this you have to take into account two elements; the situation that prompts the comment and the comment itself. This means you need to have a specific situation happen to be able to fire the appropriate script. Also, the more detailed the script, the more it looks scripted and doesn’t allow for an actual interaction.

It might sound dumb at first, but proper scripting involves practice; that means repetition. Start with your everyday events. Say ‘Good morning’ every time you step into a room or an elevator. Flash a smile for added charm and to lower people’s resistance to interaction. Say ‘Have a good day’ as you leave. Notice that the comment is the Script (comment) and the action is the Trigger (moment when action is done). But other than your typical events, could this be taken further? Of course, you just have to create your own Accidents. (moment)

We’ve all heard of conversation starters, some curious item with a story behind it. And if there is one thing that you can always count on is human curiosity. Maybe you have a distinctive ring or an interesting pin. Everything in life has an interesting story behind it, so learn to be a story teller. Instead of getting another BIC® lighter, carry something more distinctive. Instead of reading a book off a nondescript tablet, read a book with a cover. Set up the Hook so the other person can pull the Trigger. Just don’t make the script to long or dramatic. A simple comment, a conversation starter, works best here.

For lack of an interesting item to serve as a Hook, you can simply create the Accidents out of thin air to provide the proper Trigger, although these require a bit more moxie. The first is a Drop-In, something the other person has or is doing that allows you to comment, giving the other person the opportunity to go into their own Script. Maybe they have an interesting Hook themselves, like an unusual necklace for example. The other accident, and the one that requires a lot more observation on your part, or at least luck, is the Affinity, having something in common. It can be something as fortunate as realizing that you both are reading the same book to something as simple as a “It’s finally Friday” comment spoken out loud.

Keep in mind that scripting only works well when it’s a short natural element within a conversation, and you genuinely express yourself in the comment. When done too long, it becomes a monologue. When done without a degree of honesty, it becomes a lie. These serve only as an opening gambit, the key to unlocking the first stage of the play that is any social interaction.

Guesting 101

What is there more kindly than the feeling between host and guest?

Aeschylus

Some time ago, I spoke about the importance of being a proper host. And this is a topic you can find endless articles online if you take the time to google for them. Yet, one topic that does seem to be overlooked is the other side of the coin in the social engagement, the guest or rather, how to be a proper guest. Just consider that without the guest, you can’t be a host.

So what does it mean to be a guest? Basically if you are invited into someone’s habitat or environment, and will be looked over by them, you are a guest. Simple enough. But if you are being looked over for, why would you need to care about your behavior? The answer to that question is quite simple, because the line between guest and pest is rather thin and easily missed. Just consider that when you act disrespectful as a guest, you are directly insulting and disrespecting your host. With that in mind, let’s look at the proper etiquette as a guest.

Attire:

The host will probably mention what kind of event this is. If they don’t, you can easily figure this one out without too much of a mental exercise. Just keep in mind that you can never be over dressed, so in doubt, dress it up. The advantage is that as men’s clothing works in layers, you can easily tone down your outfit by removing elements as required.

RSVP:

Even if the event isn’t an RSVP (Répondez s'il vous plaît, literally "Reply if you please"), let the host know if you will be attending or not. Also, either earlier during the day or the day before, call to confirm if the event is still on, as something might have come up and the host might not have had the opportunity to cancel with everyone. This also gives the opportunity for the host to uninvited you in case you presence might be unwelcome and the original invite was just a cordiality.

Punctuality:

You might think that I am going to start hammering the point about punctuality, but in this case, I will recommend the opposite. This isn’t a job interview or a business meeting. Most hosts will be fixing the place up till the last minute or, because they were fixing up the place, will be fixing themselves up as they might be running late. In this case, I recommend the opposite that I would for an interview. Arrive up to 15 minutes late. This gives the host a moment to relax before you get there.

Do avoid being latter than 15 minutes as the host will start to wonder if you are getting there at all. If you are running late, DO NOT TEXT. CALL THEM beforehand to let them know.

Never arrive empty handed:

The host is going through all the trouble of setting everything up, the least you can do is contribute something more than just your presence. The simplest thing would be to bring a bottle of wine, as it can be later shared with the rest of the guests. If this is a non-alcohol environment, or if you are stumped as to what wine, then simply bring some flowers. Basically, bring anything that might lighten the host’s load.

NEVER outshine the host:

Sure, the host wants you to feel like you are the center of attention, to make you enjoy yourself as much as possible. But the reality is that the star of the show is the host. It is their event. They are taking actions to make it a success. You are the recipient of their performance. You are the audience. So taking the spotlight off of them is actually very disrespectful.

In cases where you are the “Guest of Honor,” give proper credit and appreciation to the host. In truth, you become an extension of the host’s efforts, so the spotlight should still be placed on them, even if shared by you.

Avoid overstaying your welcome, unless you can:

This last piece of advice depends on the event and your relationship with the host. There are few things that will ruin hosting as guests who don’t know when to leave. Avoid placing your host in a situation where they feel forced to invite you out on your way. Learn to read the room enough to know when you need to make your exit. Thank the host accordingly before leaving though.

In some cases, stay to help the host clean up. They went through all the effort and work to make this a memorable event, the least you can do is help clean up. Sometimes cleaning up after an memorable occasion is just as daunting as having it. Maybe the host might just want everyone out. Other times they might be praying that someone stays behind to help out. Learn to read the room.

Be the kind of guest that people want to have over, to share their events with. Consider that if your presence isn’t memorable, your absence is inconsequential.

Killing Selfishness with Social Skills

A conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue. That's why there are so few good conversations: due to scarcity, two intelligent talkers seldom meet.

Truman Capote

I want you to consider something for a second. At this very moment, we are having a conversation. Seriously, we are; me as the poster and you as a reader. As soon as you walk away from this post and walk along your everyday life, you are having a conversation with every single person in the street, with every person who can see your social media, with every person in the world. And this is happening every second of every day. Your world is the result of how the world reacts to you.

Kind of makes you feel small and important, all at the same time.

To understand this concept, let’s start by understanding what a conversation is. A conversation isn’t one person saying something that another person hears. A conversation is a message that one person sends and is individually filtered by the other person. This means that whatever you say is not only dependent on you saying it but on what the other person understands. A conversation is never about “I” but about “Us.” Success and failure, understanding and misunderstanding are shared responsibilities!

This means that to properly convey a message, you have to understand how to make your message clear. You want to be treated seriously? Be serious. You want to be treated with respect? Be respectable. You want to be understood? Be clear. Always be clear. When people confuse on who you are and what you are telling them; ask yourself what message you are sending out.

Also remember that what people hear is filtered by their own preconceptions and predisposition. That means you have to understand the recipient and tailor your message accordingly. Does this mean you have to behave differently depending on the person you are with? Yes. Before you get all judgmental with me, consider how you speak with those who know you for a long time and those you just met.

The end message is a shared responsibility, one shared by the person giving the message and the person filtering the message. It also means that you can’t place the full blame on someone’s comments or reaction as they are based on the message you sent out. It also means that you have to view a person’s comments and reactions based on who they come from.

When you understand that how people treat you is usually a reaction to your actions and attitude, to how you dress and present yourself to the world, you stop assuming both a selfish and a victim attitude. You start taking accountability for every word and every action you take. You also understand that you have a choice on how you react to the comments of others, basically taking away their power over you.

When you understand the concept of conversation, you understand how truly responsible you are for the world you create for yourself and how much of this world is a result of the world you share with those around you.