Not Trying To Pick You Up

Being polite is so rare these days that it’s often confused with flirting.

Unknown

There’s a general sentiment about today’s society when it comes to the topic of manners. We constantly lament the loss of simple words such as please and thank you, as we mourn politeness and consideration for others. And in the Internet’s usual way of making a quick judgement, we blame the previous generation of parents for not teaching these habits to our current generation of adults.

I cannot agree with that logic, nor do I feel it’s fair to simply use parents as the scapegoats for ill-mannered people. What if the problem isn’t a lack of politeness at all? What if the problem is that we have taught people to refuse politeness and manners, to look at them from a negative perspective?

Just consider the quote I mentioned at the beginning. “Being polite is so rare these days that it’s often confused with flirting.” We have created this mentality that anyone with manners, or even anyone who treats us well, does so because they have ulterior motives. Take a second to consider the following examples.

A young man complements a lady on her dress. What’s her reaction? To thank him? Unless she’s interested in the young man, rarely. She will probably mention that she has a boyfriend, even if the conversation had nothing to do with her relationship status. An entire sector within our society, composed of men and women with a desperate need to feel offended, will say that something as simple as a man opening a door is in reality some act of oppression against the woman or against the man, all depending who wrote of the cry-blog.

And it’s not just about the interaction between men and women. A man complements another man and the man in the receiving end will wonder if he is being hit on or if he is being set up for some kind of swindle. A woman complements another woman, and the woman in the receiving end will wonder if it’s some kind of thinly veiled insult.

It’s not that we have forgotten how to be polite to each other, but that we’ve forgotten how to react to politeness. We are constantly told that complements and politeness comes at a price. Worse of all, in some cases, it does; validating this social paranoia we are forced to live in. We live in a society that spotlights anyone with proper behavior, hoping they fail at one point, simply to justify a conclusion we were indoctrinated into long ago.

Politeness and manners aren’t gone. We have just chosen to overlook them as we focus on every single negative action that happens in our lives. We don’t remember the person who said thank you, but rather focus on the ungrateful one who didn’t. You want to see manners become important within our society again? Make them important within your life first.

Speaking While Listening

When you are listening to somebody, completely, attentively, then you are listening not only to the words, but also to the feeling of what is being conveyed, to the whole of it, not part of it.

Jiddu Krishnamurti

As I continue this week focusing on Social Skills, I think it’s a good time to revisit the importance of the communication that happens when we are listening to others. Sure, I touched this before, the importance of listening to others instead of just waiting your turn to reply, but I think we should also discuss what you communicate to the speaker as you listen. Yes, what you say to the person speaking as you listen silently.

Communications and conversations go past the simple idea of one person speaking and another listening. There is an entire underlining conversation created by the listener that most people aren’t usually aware they are projecting. As the speaker speaks, he is constantly looking for cues and validations from the listener. In a way, listening isn’t enough, but reminding the speaker that he is being listened becomes just as important. If you don’t believe me, just consider how annoying it is to speak with someone swiping around on their mobile.

When listening and paying attention, you have to consider if the speaker understands that you are listening and paying attention. This makes them feel acknowledged and validated, even when you might not agree with them. There are several ways to do this; including full physical attention, reflective listening, avoiding verbal and nonverbal barriers, and eye contact.

Full Physical Attention is when your body language reflects your interest in the speaker. In simple terms, this is about using your entire body to demonstrate your interest and show attention to what the person is saying. You must face the speaker square on, with the appropriate distance, and even lean forward to “better hear the speaker.” Your hands and legs should remain uncrossed, in what is considered an “open” stance. Moving in response to the speaker’s comments, like nodding and facial expressions, lets him know your opinion about the subject matter.

Reflective Listening is repeating back to the speaker what you understood. It validates to the speaker not only the fact that you were listening but your understanding of what was said. It allows the speaker to make clarifications and even expand on what was said before. It turns what would usually be considered an passive act into an active act.

Avoid Barriers, conscious or unconscious, that might put off the speaker. There are two types of barriers listens use; Verbal and Nonverbal barriers. Verbal Barriers are based on the tone or the content of your response. A vocal tone can give a condescending interpretation or a reaction that feels preachy, moralizing, or even shaming will shut down the conversation as a shared experience. Nonverbal Barriers are usually done unconsciously and harder to control if you’re not paying attention to your own body language. These can range from eye rolling or closing your body up (slouching or arms or legs crossed) to something as simple as lack of eye contact and fidgeting.

A conversation is a shared event where both people are communicating with each other, even when it’s only one person doing the talking. You must accept your responsibility for the message you project as a listener as the speaker for the works he uses.

Guesting 101

What is there more kindly than the feeling between host and guest?

Aeschylus

Some time ago, I spoke about the importance of being a proper host. And this is a topic you can find endless articles online if you take the time to google for them. Yet, one topic that does seem to be overlooked is the other side of the coin in the social engagement, the guest or rather, how to be a proper guest. Just consider that without the guest, you can’t be a host.

So what does it mean to be a guest? Basically if you are invited into someone’s habitat or environment, and will be looked over by them, you are a guest. Simple enough. But if you are being looked over for, why would you need to care about your behavior? The answer to that question is quite simple, because the line between guest and pest is rather thin and easily missed. Just consider that when you act disrespectful as a guest, you are directly insulting and disrespecting your host. With that in mind, let’s look at the proper etiquette as a guest.

Attire:

The host will probably mention what kind of event this is. If they don’t, you can easily figure this one out without too much of a mental exercise. Just keep in mind that you can never be over dressed, so in doubt, dress it up. The advantage is that as men’s clothing works in layers, you can easily tone down your outfit by removing elements as required.

RSVP:

Even if the event isn’t an RSVP (Répondez s'il vous plaît, literally "Reply if you please"), let the host know if you will be attending or not. Also, either earlier during the day or the day before, call to confirm if the event is still on, as something might have come up and the host might not have had the opportunity to cancel with everyone. This also gives the opportunity for the host to uninvited you in case you presence might be unwelcome and the original invite was just a cordiality.

Punctuality:

You might think that I am going to start hammering the point about punctuality, but in this case, I will recommend the opposite. This isn’t a job interview or a business meeting. Most hosts will be fixing the place up till the last minute or, because they were fixing up the place, will be fixing themselves up as they might be running late. In this case, I recommend the opposite that I would for an interview. Arrive up to 15 minutes late. This gives the host a moment to relax before you get there.

Do avoid being latter than 15 minutes as the host will start to wonder if you are getting there at all. If you are running late, DO NOT TEXT. CALL THEM beforehand to let them know.

Never arrive empty handed:

The host is going through all the trouble of setting everything up, the least you can do is contribute something more than just your presence. The simplest thing would be to bring a bottle of wine, as it can be later shared with the rest of the guests. If this is a non-alcohol environment, or if you are stumped as to what wine, then simply bring some flowers. Basically, bring anything that might lighten the host’s load.

NEVER outshine the host:

Sure, the host wants you to feel like you are the center of attention, to make you enjoy yourself as much as possible. But the reality is that the star of the show is the host. It is their event. They are taking actions to make it a success. You are the recipient of their performance. You are the audience. So taking the spotlight off of them is actually very disrespectful.

In cases where you are the “Guest of Honor,” give proper credit and appreciation to the host. In truth, you become an extension of the host’s efforts, so the spotlight should still be placed on them, even if shared by you.

Avoid overstaying your welcome, unless you can:

This last piece of advice depends on the event and your relationship with the host. There are few things that will ruin hosting as guests who don’t know when to leave. Avoid placing your host in a situation where they feel forced to invite you out on your way. Learn to read the room enough to know when you need to make your exit. Thank the host accordingly before leaving though.

In some cases, stay to help the host clean up. They went through all the effort and work to make this a memorable event, the least you can do is help clean up. Sometimes cleaning up after an memorable occasion is just as daunting as having it. Maybe the host might just want everyone out. Other times they might be praying that someone stays behind to help out. Learn to read the room.

Be the kind of guest that people want to have over, to share their events with. Consider that if your presence isn’t memorable, your absence is inconsequential.

Killing Selfishness with Social Skills

A conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue. That's why there are so few good conversations: due to scarcity, two intelligent talkers seldom meet.

Truman Capote

I want you to consider something for a second. At this very moment, we are having a conversation. Seriously, we are; me as the poster and you as a reader. As soon as you walk away from this post and walk along your everyday life, you are having a conversation with every single person in the street, with every person who can see your social media, with every person in the world. And this is happening every second of every day. Your world is the result of how the world reacts to you.

Kind of makes you feel small and important, all at the same time.

To understand this concept, let’s start by understanding what a conversation is. A conversation isn’t one person saying something that another person hears. A conversation is a message that one person sends and is individually filtered by the other person. This means that whatever you say is not only dependent on you saying it but on what the other person understands. A conversation is never about “I” but about “Us.” Success and failure, understanding and misunderstanding are shared responsibilities!

This means that to properly convey a message, you have to understand how to make your message clear. You want to be treated seriously? Be serious. You want to be treated with respect? Be respectable. You want to be understood? Be clear. Always be clear. When people confuse on who you are and what you are telling them; ask yourself what message you are sending out.

Also remember that what people hear is filtered by their own preconceptions and predisposition. That means you have to understand the recipient and tailor your message accordingly. Does this mean you have to behave differently depending on the person you are with? Yes. Before you get all judgmental with me, consider how you speak with those who know you for a long time and those you just met.

The end message is a shared responsibility, one shared by the person giving the message and the person filtering the message. It also means that you can’t place the full blame on someone’s comments or reaction as they are based on the message you sent out. It also means that you have to view a person’s comments and reactions based on who they come from.

When you understand that how people treat you is usually a reaction to your actions and attitude, to how you dress and present yourself to the world, you stop assuming both a selfish and a victim attitude. You start taking accountability for every word and every action you take. You also understand that you have a choice on how you react to the comments of others, basically taking away their power over you.

When you understand the concept of conversation, you understand how truly responsible you are for the world you create for yourself and how much of this world is a result of the world you share with those around you.