Role Models, Sexting, and Child Pornography

Shout out to all of the women, across the world, using their brains, their strength, their work ethic, their talent, their ‘magic’ that they were born with, that only they possess. It may not ever bring you as much ‘attention’ or bank notes as using your body, your sex, your tits and asses, but women like you don’t need that kind of ‘attention.’

In the quiet moments, you will feel something deeper than the fleeting excitement resulting from attention; you will feel something called pride and self respect. Keep resisting the urge to cave. You’ll never have to make silly excuses for yourself.

Pink

Some time ago, the internet went into a short lived “frenzy,” as internet frenzies go, as a social media celebrity posted yet another nude picture of herself. Some people criticized her for exploiting her looks and objectifying herself while other’s applauded her bravery for embracing her body and being empowered by her sexuality. If I’m completely honest, I couldn’t have care less about the entire affair. It’s her life, her body, and her choices. Besides, I have better things to do with my time and if I’m even more honest, the modern definition of “bravery” still seems to elude me. That’s till I heard the phrase “role model for young girls” being thrown around, and I was appalled.

You may notice how I try to steer away from discussions that in any way tell women how to act or behave. I leave that kind of discussions about women and their issues to those who know more about them than I do, specifically women. But when we use terms like role models to young girls, there are plenty of fathers who need to realize the very real danger of this kind of debate. Those who have daughters need to see what society defines as applaudable behavior to women. Those who have sons need to see how society defines as worth while women.

And just as the modern definition of “bravery” seems to elude me, the definition of “role model” seems to elude so many within our society. At its simplest form, a role model is someone you try to emulate, as they represent the standard you want to achieve. They are the example of what you can become. So when we say that this woman is a role model for young girls, you are saying that young girls should emulate (read as copy) her actions. And I might here you saying that nobody can tell girls what to do with their body, as doing so would be body shaming or just plain sexist.

That’s great and all if you also took the time to tell girls (and boys) the legal consequences of taking half naked pictures of themselves! A naked pic of anyone under 18 is basically child pornography. That means anyone taking the pic, even if it’s of themselves is manufacturing child pornography from a criminal perspective. And yes…Child, under the definition of the law is anyone under 18 years of age. So that 16 year old girl taking a topless pic of herself or that 17 year old boy taking a dick pic is in fact producing Child pornography. And to those unaware of the legal consequences, this is a first degree crime; you know.. with a penalty comparable to premeditated murder.

And it gets even more interesting from there.

Having a questionable picture of a minor (even if it’s of yourself) in your phone constitutes possession of Child pornography (5 years in prison) while forwarding it (or posting it online) constitutes distribution (10 years in prison). Sending a nude pic to a minor (again, younger than 18) is exposing them to pornography and “corrupting influences,” each location having their own selection of criminal penalties. FB and Instagram banning nipple shots has nothing to do with slut shaming and everything to do with legal regulations.

The problem here is that parents want to believe that our teens are old enough to handle themselves, something our teens try to convince us about constantly. It’s that or parents don’t want to assume their obligation as parents. Pick which ever you want, the criminal system doesn’t really care. The legal system defines a child in the simplest way possible. Under 18? You’re problem, mom and dad. Oh, by the way, Social Services wants to sit down with you and chat about the kind of household you have.

Its funny how during the entire debate of whether a person can be empowered by posting their body all over the internet and how we should respect her as a role model, not once did anyone explain to young girls and boys what would happen if they did the same. Any picture with any kind of questionable content that gets posted, forwarded, or unwittingly uploaded to a cloud will last for eternity and will resurface when they can cause the most damage to a person. Ironically, this was something the celebrity mentioned she deals with every time her sex tape resurfaces, yet not once did she tell her younger followers to not do.

You don’t want something to resurface? Start by not posting it.

You might think that I’m exaggerating the repercussions, as this kind of behavior is so common place nowadays. The reality is that the laws haven’t yet caught up with social media and phone trends. Sure, courts might be lenient if they understand that this was a dumb kid making a dumb mistake. Other times they might not and make an example of the youth.

That doesn’t get us, as parents, off the hook for not teaching our kids the consequences of their actions, online and offline. We need to understand that even if it’s their phone, it’s our legal responsibility how they use it. We need to be more selective on who we assign the label of role model. Most importantly, it’s our job to teach our kids that if they ever want respect, they first have to respect themselves.

Give The Young And Foolish Some Room To Grow

Experience is the hardest kind of teacher. It gives you the test first and the lesson afterward.

Oscar Wilde

As I look back at my youth, I usually end up with the same conclusion: “the fact that I survived into adulthood is amazing.” Regrets? I’m not sure I would call them regrets. All the foolish mistakes, wild adventures, and dumb decision I made growing up made me into the man I am today. If I’m completely honest, whatever wisdom I have now at this age is thanks to having been foolish during my youth. And then I look upon today’s youth and become saddened, not because of how they are, but rather because of how we are as parents.

My youth was made up off broken bones and a heart broken enough times to fill a Victorian library. It was made up of scars, physical and psychological, and enough secrets kept from the authority figures around me that I would have made any Italian Mobster proud. I learned that the world could be beautiful and devastating, uplifting and unforgiving, all at the same time. I took enough risks to believe myself invincible, yet the simplest things like walking up to a cute girl were terrifying. And it was all glorious, or at least as glorious as a tragic accident where the people involved survived could be.

It taught me that unknown roads lead to adventures, and adventures lead to unbelievable stories. It taught me that the only way I would to be heard was to speak up. It taught me that risk sometimes pans out while other times it meant getting hurt. And it taught me that with enough time, you can get over getting hurt. Scars meant bragging rights, respect can be earned by standing up for yourself, and knowing how to keep a secret forged loyalties.

Then I look at myself as a parent, as I know that my kids are now learning all those same lessons, and I find myself dealing with the personal terror of “letting go of the bike even if it means your kid falls down.”  We tend want to keep our kids safe, take on the world’s horrors and dangers for them. We want to keep them safe while at the same time provide them the best tools for them to make something out of themselves. But are we really providing them the best tools when we never let them learn how to use these tools? No matter how many times my martial arts maestro told me to keep my guard up, I never really did it till after I got hit… hard…  several times… on the face.

People don’t learn by being told what to do, but rather by being allowed to do.  They’ll learn even when they fail. This is especially true when they also learn what can go wrong by not doing. The lessons you learn best are usually the one that cost you. Yet we constantly try to keep our kids from learning that way, in a misguided sense of parental protection.

You can’t complain about a man who doesn’t know how to basic car maintenance, when you bought him a new car when he was 16. You can’t complain about a man who doesn’t know how to keep up a house if you never asked him to even take care of his room. You can’t complain about a man who’s entitled if you constantly keep bailing him out of trouble. We can’t really complain about men who can’t handle life’s challenges without calling out a parent who never let the kid face challenges by himself.

So, what can you do to prepare your kid for a stern world? All you can do is mentor them and become an example for them to emulate. All you can do is provide them with the tools they might need along their way. And at the end, all you can do is really hope it was enough and pray for the best while trying to be emotionally ready to let them learn from their mistakes.

Rejection, The Online Dating Edition or "What The Hell’s Wrong With Guys Today?"

Most fears of rejection rest on the desire for approval from other people. Don't base your self-esteem on their opinions.

Harvey Mackay

A couple of days ago, a post was forwarded to me by a female friend asking for my opinion. The  basic idea of the post? As the article opening statement clearly mentions: “Man gives attention to a woman. Woman expresses her lack of desire for said attention. Man immediately turns hostile.” To read the full article, click here. My friend’s question was pretty simple.

What the hell’s wrong with guys today?

In actuality, her comments were a little more complex and involve several phrases that would shame most experienced seamen, but that’s neither here nor there. To be honest, I can’t really blame her comments as I have noticed how common this behavior is in the online dating circuit. It’s common enough to merit the Internet’s attention by exposing this behavior in previous articles like this one and this one. After looking this, and plenty more information about the subject I ended up with just one question in mind.

What the hell’s wrong with guys today?

Sure, we could blame a patriarchal society, male entitlement, and sexism. Everyone else seems to do it. But to be honest, every time people place blame on such abstract concept, it’s usually so they don’t have to think about an issue and find a more tangible cause and solution, it’s little more than a cop out.

So I started thinking about it, why can’t any of these guys (note that I will neither use the term men nor gentlemen when speaking about these guys) take the hint that the lady in question isn’t interested, nor why can’t they accept a simple “No.” What’s the emotional and social baggage that makes them incapable of dealing with rejection? And that’s when it hit me. The key word to find an answer isn’t “men,” or “sexism;” it’s “rejection.”

Please keep in mind as we move forward that I’m not saying that these guys aren’t sexist. What I’m saying is that they turn hostile (hurt) due to a rejection. They probably would have shown their sexist colors anyway later on. Also this isn’t your typical man, as most men aren’t like this. Unfortunately, today’s social media lives by feeding you with the worst case as if it was the typical case. We eat it up, share it out, and relate to it because who can’t relate with the idea of dealing with that one asshole who ruined your entire day?

But back to the topic in hand, why do these guys act this way? Because we trained them this way! Just take a second, stop thinking about the actual event and think about what we have been taught about dealing with rejection. They usually come in two varieties.

“Never take ‘No’ for an answer. Rejection just means you need to try harder.”

or

“It’s not that you’re not good enough. It’s that the other person failed to see what you had to offer”

These might sound like wonderful and inspiring life messages until you think about their effect on a person’s behavior. The first one teaches you that ‘No’ is unacceptable and that whenever you get that answer, you just need to try harder and more aggressively to achieve your success. Nice lesson to learn is a society where consent is so important whenever you are interacting with anyone. The second one teaches you to blame everything on everyone around you and their rejection is viewed as an attack based on the other person’s issues. Then we wonder where our current attitude of entitlement comes from.

We have these lessons drilled into our minds since we are kids. How many times have we heard a Mom tell her young boy that he’s special, and if the other kids don’t want to play with him, it’s their loss? (while glad that her wonderful son is no longer dating that tramp) How many times have we heard a Dad tell his daughter that she’s too good for the boy who dumped her? (while secretly planning the jerk’s demise)

But why do we see this behavior typically from guys? It’s not that women don’t have their fair share of assholes. It’s that in our current social behavior it’s the man who usually does the opening move. Due to this, the numeric probability is that you will see more male assholes than female assholes, at least in this specific scenario. It’s not that women don’t do the same, as there are plenty of stories of gals questioning a man’s masculinity as soon as he rejects her.

So how do we keep this from happening, or at the very least lessen the probabilities of this happening? We could start teaching our kids to deal with rejection from a positive perspective. We need to stop teaching how to handle hearing the word ‘No’ in a way that the person doesn’t feel insulted. We need to stop measuring our self-worth based on other people’s approval.

Moms Who Raise Better Men

Note: This is a rework of a previously published article I made for GMP. I thought it was appropriate to give it an update as it was deserved a re-visit and re-evaluation.

Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children.

William Makepeace Thackeray

With Mother’s Day rapidly approaching (Sunday, May 10th for those counting), I thought it might be appropriate to comment on a topic of interest to most of our women readers, how a mother can raise a better man.

Although I usually avoid telling women how to be women (I think the reason is pretty obvious as to why), many women have mentioned how they struggle with wanting to raise their sons to be gentlemen. Being women, they feel limited as to how to teach sons how to grow up into proper men, the kind of men this world so desperately needs. Just as a man’s eyes are opened about gender inequality and a Machista society women deal with every day as soon as they become a father to a daughter, women quickly realize the challenges men face as soon as they become mothers to sons. This is specially challenging to single moms raising boys.

As many women today challenge traditionally restrictive female gender roles most of their lives, they want to avoid imposing restrictive male gender roles onto their own sons. Yet, these moms are confronted with a world that offers few positive male role models, a culture that force feeds toxic masculinity to boys, and a society that judges men in a negative light simply because of their gender. To further complicate the issue for moms, social media reinforces the notion that proper manhood rests solely on the shoulders of men, as we are told time and time again that only men can fix what’s wrong with men.

To be honest, this is bullshit. Raising better children should be the responsibility of everyone, regardless of gender. We all have a responsibility to be role models to those around us. As a boy, I was taught to be a proper gentleman with a sense of respect, to myself and to others, mostly by the efforts of my mother, so it’s not something that only men can teach. It’s interesting that most gentlemen I know show the respect they do to women thanks to the women who helped raise them.

You see, as women you can give your boys the female perspective no man can properly give. You are the first impression your sons will have of how a woman is supposed to be and on how they are supposed to treat a lady. This is crucial to the formation of any man, if for no other reason than women make half of our society!

If you are unsure of your ability to help shape a boy into a better man, just consider the men you have met in your life and how they women. Now consider how just how much of what they know about treating women was learned by how they treat their mothers. So you must ask yourself: being the mother whose sons the next generation of ladies will have to put up with, what kind of son do you want to raise?

As I have said many times before, good parenting doesn’t guarantee a good man. But it helps. Most of the comments below will be generalizations to one degree or another. Some are about learned behavior and some are about breaking some of the social chains we have. Good kids can come from bad parents and bad kids can come from good parents. With all that cleared up, let’s look at five things you can do increase your chances of raising a proper gentlemen.

They Will Learn Respect By How You Respect Yourself.

You are the first example your son will have of what a woman is. In simple terms, you are the foundation of how your sons view the rest of the women in the world. If you want them to know the importance of respecting women, you must first respect yourself.

Consider how you treat yourself and how you care for yourself. Do your actions demonstrate a sense of self-respect and self-worth? Instead of telling your boys to respect women, start by showing them how a woman respects herself. Self-respect and self-love are contagious, but so is self-loathing.

Just think about the kind of woman you are. Is that the kind of person you would want your son to bring home?

Maybe it’s time to start giving yourself some love. Between life and kids, parents forget about themselves. I know that you have enough on your plate, but you know deep down that kids learn more from your actions than from your advice. How you treat yourself will be reflected by your sons on how they treat themselves. Be an example for them. Teach them respect by how you respect yourself. You have to treat yourself right, take care of yourself, and try to create some order and stability in your life. Your son’s behavior will follow suit.

They Will Treat Others By How You Let Them Treat You.

As I mentioned above, you are the foundation of their image of what a woman is. You will become the bar to which all other women will be compared to. Set the bar high.

Do you let your boys raise their voice to you? Swear in front of you? Let them make sexist comments in your presence? Allowed them to put up tasteless posters objectifying women in their room? Have you laughed off any of this off with “boys will be boys”? If you said yes to any of these questions, you can’t really complain about the kid of men we have today.

Everything you let them get away with is what they will expect others to put up with. Teach them to respect others, especially you as a woman and as their mother. They might have their room and their space, but it’s your home. They have to abide by your rules. They learn from you how to live with others and how to carry a home, as sooner or later they will move out to create their own niche in the world.

This way they will learn that they don’t have a personal maid or chef in the real world (and if they do, these services cost money). Make them realize that being part of a household means contributing to it. Teach them about the work it takes to keep up a home and their obligations of being part of a family. Teach them how to cook for themselves and how to take care of their own clothing. Too many men move out from living with their mothers, expecting to will find someone to fill that will that role. Teach them independence and self-reliance.

They Will Treat Women By How You Let Men Treat You.

The men you surround yourself will influence your boy’s behavior. If you are with a man who ignores and neglects you, your boy will see this as normal relationship dynamics. If you are with a man who is encouraging and supportive, your boy will see this, again, as how you treat your partner.

If your spouse abuses you, verbally or physically, stop reading this, get out, and look for help. (Here is the link for the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Gentlemen, this link works for you too if you are being abused. Abusive behavior does not discriminate by gender) If you stay in that relationship (please don’t), your sons will learn that abuse is acceptable behavior and might even think that this is how love is shown.

Insist on respect and attention from your partner. Insist on them treating you like a lady. Whatever way your partner treats you, one way or the other, your sons will view this as what women ought to expect or, worse yet, what women actually seek in a man.

They Will Put Up With How You Treat Your Partner.

Take a minute and consider how you treat your current partner, how you have treated your past partners. Now consider how you would react if someone treated your son that way.

The same way I mentioned you might forget about paying attention to yourself because of life, you might end up doing the same to your partner. You might not have noticed just how you treat them, or might have noticed and don’t really care. Yet your son does notice, and learns from it. He learns that how you treat your partner is how he should expect to be treated. He will put up, expect, or even search out to be treated the way you treat your partner. With that in mind, what kind of daughter-in-law do you want?

Teach Them That Women Are Self-Reliant.

When you stay within a relationship because you can’t “be on your own”, you teach your son that women only are with them out of need and will put up with a lot out of that need. Teach your children that women are self-reliant. Teach them that no woman will stay with your son just because he is the “man” in the relationship. Teach them that a partner is just that, a partner. Boys have to learn that if they treat a woman badly, that woman will leave! Men who see their partners as dependent tend to stop appreciating them because they are convinced they can’t lose them.

As your son understands that a strong woman is self-reliant, he will learn to avoid women looking for a “sponsor” for their lifestyle and will stop being intimidated by powerful and independent women. They will look for a woman who is his equal, one they respect as they respect themselves.

The world, especially any future in-law, will appreciate your teaching them these vital lessons.

Why I Can’t Tell You How To Be A Gentleman.

As we get older, it's important for us to help hand back some of what we've gained as we've grown older. It should be one of your responsibilities - it's almost like being a mentor.

Ciara

While in the process of determining whether to self-publish ‘Being Caballero: A Conversation About Gentlemen’ or go down the path of a Literary Agent, I went ahead and submitted a proposal to a couple of Agents. One Agent actually made a content specific reply explaining why my proposal was denied. They weren’t interested, not because of the topic or the content, but rather the format didn’t fit their publishing style. The fact that I don’t list a series of steps, checklists if you will, on how to become a Gentleman, meant that my book didn’t fit their formula. And this is not the first time I have heard a similar comment.

Many people have actually asked me if I ever plan to write up a step-by-step guide to ‘Gentleman’ing, something I have refused to do and will probably avoid doing. You see, a step-by-step guide or a set of rules means that I believe that a gentleman isn’t about his personal values or even his character, but rather about just following a bunch of rules that have worked for me specifically. And assuming that what worked for me will work for every other guy is a pretty arrogant assumption on my part and a true disservice to the cause of Gentlemen and to the men trying to follow the Cammino, the Path. Everyone has to work on their own strengths and weaknesses; not on mine.

If I had any doubt of the damage these kinds of articles and book do, a couple of weeks ago a friend asked some dating advice. He was frustrated because he was doing everything ‘right’, doing the proper steps and social intricacies expected from men, yet found he was getting nowhere in his romantic life. After talking with him for a while, and mulling it over I came to a simple realization. He was trying to socialize and date based on his preconception of what the dating process is and not on what he found comfortable or actually enjoyed. My advice was simple, work on your strengths while understanding your weaknesses. (Ok, it was a bit more than just that, but you get the general idea.)

If checklists work, why am I not seeing any results?

Because checklists worked for the guy who wrote them, for magazine filling content, and as a comfort blanket to the person trying them out. And when it doesn’t work, the author usually blames the reader while the reader blames the author. And in a way both are responsible for the success and failure of the list.

A mentor can only be as good as a student willing to think on his own, and a student is only as good as he is willing to question what is taught to him. For that reason, the best I can do is explain why things are done in a certain way, give examples based of experience, and offer the tools available for a person to use. It is the reader’s obligation to understand what tools work for him and how these lessons apply to his own life. That way they become their own Gentleman, and not simply try to act like a clone of my own.

P.S.

In case you are wondering what’s going to be covered in the book, here’s a quick breakdown.

Prolegomenon: A Gentleman Defined

An introduction to the concept of the Gentlemen as a universal archetype of the exceptional man, a concept found in every culture throughout history. It’s meant to address and challenge some of the general myths and misconceptions about what a Gentleman is.

Cammino: Pursuit Of A Better Man Reborn

The first section is lessons and concepts a young man should consider when starting on the path of a Gentleman. The second section is to help men who have strayed refind the Gentleman they lost along the way.

Destino: The Social Gentleman

The last section deals with how a Gentleman interacts with society. It deals with how to handle your role as an example to others and a mentor in the first part. The second part deals with social and romantic relationships based on respect and dignity.