The Question We Need To Start Asking Men

The love of family and the admiration of friends is much more important than wealth and privilege.

Charles Kuralt

One of the big issues brought up constantly about gender inequality is the fact that professional women are asked how they plan to balanced their professional life with their family life, yet men where never asked this. Corporate society expects women to prioritize their role as a wife or a mother above their professional ambitions, yet this kind of expectation isn’t placed on men. After so many years of men expected to neglect their family life, maybe it’s time asking them the same question and expect them to have an answer.

There is a social assumption that the role of the man is simply to be a good provider. The harder he works, the more he demonstrates how dedicated he is to his family. If this is true, why do so many men feel guilty about neglecting their family because of work? Why do so many spouses or kids feel neglected by an absentee father whose only role within the family is that of a the guy who pays the bills? Why do so many men made to feel that their role in society is to be little more than a credit card holder?

This needs to change. Too often men assume that the only way to be a real man is to be a good provider, even if this means sacrificing their family life. They are told to equate professional success with their success as a husband or father, never wanting to realize the damage we do to men and their families when creating that relationship. We need to start asking men to balance their professional life with their personal life.

Keep in mind that I am not talking about not providing for your family. What I am talking about is to keep priorities about what’s important in life. We need to open our eyes before we damage ourselves and those around us beyond repair.

Ambitious and competitive professional behavior has been ingrained so deeply within our mind that we end up assuming that the only way to succeed within our modern corporate world is to neglect our family. “I am providing my family a better life” has become the mantra that most use to justify their actions, without realizing how a truly better life for your family doesn’t come from a bigger TV or even a bigger home. It comes from having a bigger heart and the time to share it.

Yet that neglect of our family is viewed by so many bosses as a sign of disloyalty to the employment. They will try to blackmail and shame you into submission under the threat of someone else getting a promotion, the raise, or simply the risk of losing your job. Honestly? If your boss is making you choose between your work and your family, it’s time to find a new job. Changing jobs is a lot easier than getting a divorce or the guilt of neglecting a child.

Don’t turn your role within your family into simply a walking wallet and then complain that they don’t view you as anything else. By the same token, don’t let anyone in your family turn you into a walking wallet. Get involved and become an actual part of the family and the home. Spend time with your spouse and have fun with your kids. Getting to know what does on in their lives is a lot more important than covering the bill for their lives. In the case of divorce, covering your financial obligations DOES NOT excuse you from your familial obligations. In reality, your familial obligation to your kids far exceeds any child support agreement you have.

With all this in mind, don’t let anyone reduce your role in life to a bank account. The first person that needs to stop doing this is you. Work shouldn’t be the reason to live, but a tool to get a life. Learn to value yourself and those around you. Jobs come and go, so does money. At the end, you are simply left with the smiles and laughter you shared with those close to you. 

Imitation Is Flattering, Impersonation Is Not.

By three methods we may learn wisdom:

First, by reflection, which is noblest;

Second, by imitation, which is easiest;

Third by experience, which is the bitterest.

Confucius

For the last 24 hours, you might have noticed that Being Caballero’s social media presence was somewhat lessened. Usually, I am constantly sharing content and inspirational posts from other sites in our Facebook page, or replying on our Twitter. But yesterday was somewhat of a hectic afternoon and would like to clarify, as apparently some of the readers might have been misguided or misinformed, hopefully unintentionally.

A profile on several media sites popped up with almost our identical name and address, our logo and our page banner, although these had minor alterations. They inverted the color scheme of the logo and cropped out our social media link information. The person never openly stated he/she was Being Caballero, but neither did they deny it when several readers commented about my articles as they liked their pages.

When I noticed his/her use of the banner and the logo, I simply requested them to either give the appropriate credit (as stated in our Copyright Notice) or otherwise to remove. It wasn’t till I notice how this person implied authorship to the articles, that I was forced to take a more proactive stance.

I have never had issues with people sharing our quotes and articles, quite the contrary. I usually ask that, if they do, to not alter the image and give proper credit. That doesn’t always happen and I usually find out long after it’s made enough rounds online that it gets back to us. This happened with the “Boys will be boys” and “Search for a Queen” (special thanks to Druidess of Midian for her permission on using her image as a frame for our quote.) Yet, if you notice the version going around on this last one, it had my signature removed. (Never sign a quote in a place too easy to crop out. Lesson learned.)

Neither have I ever refused to reply a comment nor a message sent to me (to my editor’s dismay, I tend to do this without a proper review) or to help others starting out their sites or projects. Most of my contributors and collaborators are people who either helped me out when I started or I helped them out when they started. The rest are just like-minded individuals you meet along the way. Anyone who wants to contact me can easily do so. (Yes, I do enjoy stressing out my editor).

But as Al Capone once said “Don't mistake my kindness for weakness. I am kind to everyone, but when someone is unkind to me, weak is not what you are going to remember about me.” That being said, I just want to clear up a few things to avoid any confusion.

• The word “caballero” simply means “gentleman” (in reality it means a lot more, but that’s not the topic right now). It is also a very common last name in Spanish. Assuming that this is the issue, is like assuming that anyone could claim ownership to the word “gentleman”. On the other hand, our brand name “Being Caballero” may be seen for some as just two random words put together, but in fact, were carefully chosen to serve as our online identity while symbolizing the mission of our work.
• The focus of our “memes” or images is the quote. A positive or thoughtful message that can be easily spread among our readers. Most of the quotes used are our own, unless otherwise specified, as we always do proper research to provide deserving credit. If it’s a regional saying, we state where it is from. If you don’t find anyone credited, it’s because is original. If you find someone credited and also our signature, it’s because we designed the layout and text format. Any image used in the background, is exactly that, background. We never claim creative ownership of backgrounds (as they were obtained online), although we always make sure to look further and verify their copyrights before using them. On occasions, even if they have no copyrights, if we find the photographer on said research we contact them directly out of respect of their work, to ask for permission to use their name and give their deserving credit, as we did with The Viral Gentleman.
• Our brand name, logo, and slogan are our online identity. I have never hid my identity as the author, but there are plenty of others who help me make Being Caballero what it is. After everything is said and done, the message should always be more important than the messenger. With that out of the way, do consider that someone using our Logo as their own isn’t disrespecting me as much as they are disrespecting the efforts of everyone who helps make this happen, especially our readers. 

Anyone who wants to embark in promoting the Gentleman ideals, I wish them the best of luck and have our support. If they do so inspired by what we do here at Being Caballero, I am honored. If they ask for help, I am humbled. Because that is the main reason this and other sites alike exist; to help. Unfortunately, sometimes helping someone, means you have to teach a lesson you wish you didn’t have to.

"Dress: Business Casual"

Costume, hair and makeup can tell you instantly, or at least give you a larger perception of who a character is. It's the first impression that you have of the character before they open their mouth, so it really does establish who they are.

Colleen Atwood

Most articles based on Gentlemanly behavior usually deal with how a gentleman treats ladies or in how a Gentleman treats himself. Today I want to talk about how a Gentleman has an “unfair” advantage in the professional world, starting by the interview process.

A friend asked me to help re-define himself as he wanted to change his professional environment. After years of jeans and work boots, he was ready to move into a slacks and oxfords position, and knowing how that is my “natural habitat” as well as having previously been a team recruiter, he asked for my help.

This article isn’t about how to work the interview process. Resume building I leave to the Technical HR people, as the first screening is actually done by computers looking for key words. This is more about how you present yourself and sell yourself. 

The next step was the obvious review of what we were working with when they looked at the man behind the resume. His social media presence and discretion… Ok, before I continue here I need you to understand the inter-connectivity of modern life. Any professional worth his title knows to Google the people they will meet. So if you think those embarrassing pictures won’t be seen and taken into account when they meet you, you are sadly mistaken. The same goes with any drunk posts, anger filled rants, or any straight white boy texting.

3 hours and about ½ a bottle of scotch later, part of it being him reminiscing his last few years and most of it being me me wondering what he was thinking when he uploaded those pictures or posted those comments, his digital presence was somewhat presentable. With that ready, he sent out his resume.

A couple of days later (thanks to a headhunter), he gets called in for an interview. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that an interview just meant he simply passed the minimum requirements and nothing more. So they send him the meeting invite, which he forwards to me. And that’s where something caught my eye, something that actually promoted this post.

Dress: Business Casual

My first reaction was to wonder what kind of person goes to an executive job interview without Business attire. And then I was suddenly reminded of every half assed professional who had no idea how to project their potential, who thought being “present” was good enough. And that’s when the shark in me smelled blood in the water, as my old aggressive business side crept out. Remember when I said I didn’t have the heart to tell him what passing the resume stage was? I did now. And more…

The reality is that people will size up a person and create an opinion about them somewhere between 30 seconds and two minutes after meeting them. After that, people will gravitate to anything that justifies their preconception, to whatever proves them right. If the person thinks you’re successful, they will willingly look at what proves you’re successful. If a person thinks you’re inept, they will look to be proven right about. Your first impression sets up your subsequent beliefs about a person. So you have about a minute to create an impression and the rest of the time is to cement that impression into the interviewer.

Remember when I mentioned the importance of your social profile? You begin setting up that first impression even before they meet you. And it’s up to you to make that impression memorable after they meet you.

As for the rest of his interview training? Well I believe in discretion and trade secrets so…

Now we wait and see how he measured up against the other candidates.

Why I Can’t Tell You How To Be A Gentleman.

As we get older, it's important for us to help hand back some of what we've gained as we've grown older. It should be one of your responsibilities - it's almost like being a mentor.

Ciara

While in the process of determining whether to self-publish ‘Being Caballero: A Conversation About Gentlemen’ or go down the path of a Literary Agent, I went ahead and submitted a proposal to a couple of Agents. One Agent actually made a content specific reply explaining why my proposal was denied. They weren’t interested, not because of the topic or the content, but rather the format didn’t fit their publishing style. The fact that I don’t list a series of steps, checklists if you will, on how to become a Gentleman, meant that my book didn’t fit their formula. And this is not the first time I have heard a similar comment.

Many people have actually asked me if I ever plan to write up a step-by-step guide to ‘Gentleman’ing, something I have refused to do and will probably avoid doing. You see, a step-by-step guide or a set of rules means that I believe that a gentleman isn’t about his personal values or even his character, but rather about just following a bunch of rules that have worked for me specifically. And assuming that what worked for me will work for every other guy is a pretty arrogant assumption on my part and a true disservice to the cause of Gentlemen and to the men trying to follow the Cammino, the Path. Everyone has to work on their own strengths and weaknesses; not on mine.

If I had any doubt of the damage these kinds of articles and book do, a couple of weeks ago a friend asked some dating advice. He was frustrated because he was doing everything ‘right’, doing the proper steps and social intricacies expected from men, yet found he was getting nowhere in his romantic life. After talking with him for a while, and mulling it over I came to a simple realization. He was trying to socialize and date based on his preconception of what the dating process is and not on what he found comfortable or actually enjoyed. My advice was simple, work on your strengths while understanding your weaknesses. (Ok, it was a bit more than just that, but you get the general idea.)

If checklists work, why am I not seeing any results?

Because checklists worked for the guy who wrote them, for magazine filling content, and as a comfort blanket to the person trying them out. And when it doesn’t work, the author usually blames the reader while the reader blames the author. And in a way both are responsible for the success and failure of the list.

A mentor can only be as good as a student willing to think on his own, and a student is only as good as he is willing to question what is taught to him. For that reason, the best I can do is explain why things are done in a certain way, give examples based of experience, and offer the tools available for a person to use. It is the reader’s obligation to understand what tools work for him and how these lessons apply to his own life. That way they become their own Gentleman, and not simply try to act like a clone of my own.

P.S.

In case you are wondering what’s going to be covered in the book, here’s a quick breakdown.

Prolegomenon: A Gentleman Defined

An introduction to the concept of the Gentlemen as a universal archetype of the exceptional man, a concept found in every culture throughout history. It’s meant to address and challenge some of the general myths and misconceptions about what a Gentleman is.

Cammino: Pursuit Of A Better Man Reborn

The first section is lessons and concepts a young man should consider when starting on the path of a Gentleman. The second section is to help men who have strayed refind the Gentleman they lost along the way.

Destino: The Social Gentleman

The last section deals with how a Gentleman interacts with society. It deals with how to handle your role as an example to others and a mentor in the first part. The second part deals with social and romantic relationships based on respect and dignity.