Trophy Wives and Trophy Husbands

"If you're put on a pedestal, you're supposed to behave yourself like a pedestal type of person. Pedestals actually have a limited circumference. Not much room to move around."

Margaret Atwood

I have to admit that I’ve tried to be a trophy husband, the kind of husband that makes all of my wife’s friends envious of her.  I worked hard to get the professional title and the stable life. I try to stay fit and presentable, making sure I dress to impress every time I can. I find myself trying to develop my mind as well as my body, as I strive to become a better me. Why? Because I’m aware that I married a trophy wife. Between her intelligence, presence, looks, professionalism, and tenacity, she puts to shame most women out there. As her husband, I need to be up to her level. 

Yet, the more I’ve thought about it, the more I’ve realized how wrong I was.

Society, specially now thanks to social media and a “participation trophy” approach, has amped up the self serving attitude of entitlement into our relationships. We stop looking at each other as gifts to be appreciated, but rather as trophies we deserve. And this creates the most amusing and confusing paradox.

We do things for our partners with the intention of being appreciated. When we aren’t, we take it out on the person we’re trying to get close too. To simplify it, think of the guy who paid for dinner and gets pissed because she likes him only as a friend or the gal who gets pissed because the man didn’t try anything after she went through all the trouble of shaving her legs. Let’s be completely honest here for a second. This mentality isn’t about doing something special, it’s about receiving a return in your investment.

When we realize this attitude is used on us, we resist through lack of expressing appreciation, as we assume that being openly thankful means we’re letting the other person know we can be “bought” with gifts or actions. This leads to an attitude of entitlement, were we not only avoid showing appreciation but instead get pissed when we don’t get what we want. We’ve started to view worthwhile partners the same way we view participation trophies; consolation prizes just for showing up.

Life doesn’t work that way. Stop seeking appreciation and stop assuming you’ll get it.

So, this leaves us in a rather interesting place. If we’re not supposed to do things to win someone over, what do we do? Do things because you want to. When we realize that someone is important to us, for who they are and what they do for us, what should we do? You let them know!

Sounds pretty simple enough, right? Then why do we complicate it so much? Because as long as we view our life, our success, and the people around us as trophies, we tend to think we earned them and it becomes about “me,” not “we.” Because we have become so self centered that putting someone else first goes against everything we’ve been taught.

It’s time to go back to basics, to clean out all the bull shit relationship indoctrination that society has placed upon us. It’s ok to make an effort on yourself to impress someone else. Just don’t do it to buy their appreciation. And it’s ok to let someone know you appreciate them and their actions. Doing so doesn’t mean you’re not selling yourself to them. It just lets them know you care for them just as much.

The horrible or beautiful truth here is you’ll probably end up with someone who’s pretty much your equal. So, if you want someone worthwhile, you’d better make yourself worthwhile. Just remember that relationships with “worthwhile” people only last when you appreciated their worth.

It’s Called A Partnership For A Reason

A man with dreams needs a woman with vision.

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Back in college, during a lecture on how to manage Architectural Firms, one of my old mentors shared with us the secret to finding good business partners. Instead of gravitating to like-talented professionals, you should try to find your counterparts. If you’re good at designing, the others must be good at production. If you’re good at marketing, the others must be good in accounting. You might have the best product in the world, but without someone to sell it, it’s useless. You might have the best hustlers in the world, but without something to sell… you get the idea. When you understand how each person contributes to the partnership, you understand where you have duplicated efforts, what bases are left uncovered, and if you have expendable freeloaders. Only when you can cover all the bases between all the partners, can a business be stable and successful.

He concluded the lesson by emphasizing how this mentality goes into any partnerships, especially marriage.

We live in a society that promotes self-reliance and autonomy. We are grilled by life into avoiding at all cost relying on others; all thanks to failed group projects, bad roommate arrangements, and the ever constant posts about life’s “givers and takers” or about “reachers and settlers.” By the time when we’ve been properly indoctrinated into a self-sufficient mind set, we end up unable to understand why marriage is so difficult.

During that entire process of independence, we’re never taught to open up to others or to actually trust and depend on them. We are told that “love overcomes it all” as if love, a wonderfully ephemeral sentiment, was enough to overcome some very practical issues that happen within relationships.

Let me make something clear here. No matter how “complete” and well rounded you are, you have your strong points and your weaknesses. We want to believe that we’re so “complete” that sometimes being with someone with a different skill-set or a different mindset just exposes our shortcomings to ourselves, a mirror into our “weakness.” The insecurities then tend to flourish as we become defensive of our weak points or arrogant with our strengths.

You need to view your relationship like any partnership. You bring into the union your own personal weaknesses and strengths and hope they play well with those of the other person. It’s about moving past our inability to accept our short falls or dismissing our partner’s strengths. Instead, start looking at how you balance each other out and trust your partner to have your back, even if that means keeping you in check.

The dreamer needs the realist to ground him, while the realist needs the dreamer to fly. Maybe that successful person is constantly in business mode, yet what they need and crave in a life partner is a free spirit, someone that reminds them that life isn’t all work, that play is important. Maybe that “smart” person needs someone who reminds them that life can’t be overanalyzed, that some things simply are. Or that imaginative and creative person needs a pragmatic and logical partner, who can give them the necessary focus to fulfill their dreams.

It’s amusing how we are willing to understand this concept when we speak of businesses, as the social savvy marketer will partner up with the economy savvy number cruncher. Each realizes the strengths within their partner and weaknesses within themselves, so the power and command constantly shifts and flows between them depending of the situation and the needs. If this is so easy to understand as a concept when dealing with business partnerships, why is it such a hard concept to embrace when speaking of romantic partnerships?

We don’t need someone to complete who we are within a relationship. We need someone to complete the relationship based on who we are. We need a partner who can pick up the slack left by our own weaknesses, helping us to excel in our strengths. We need a partner, who can see what we can’t see, who can give a different perspective than the one we have. And we need to trust this person to hold their end of the bargain and that is willing to let us do the same for them.

The Worst Relationship Advice We Believe

Dear Men,

If you’re going to criticize a woman’s figure or any other aspect of her appearance, please make sure that you are either Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp.

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Every once in a while someone will come along to provide some wonderful insight to those seeking a meaningful relationship. They will remind those of you that are single that out there, in the vastness of this wonderful world, is that special someone who will make you understand why it never worked out with anyone else. This person will understand you and love you just as you are. They will embrace your faults as beautiful, your flaws as the things that make you special, and love you unconditionally. They will have everything you would want in a partner as they will be smart, independent, strong, sensitive, supportive, and attractive. They won’t have any of those deal-braking bad habits that have ruined so many of your previous relationships as you two are simply one soul that got split in two during creation…

And that’s a beautiful thought, until you realize it’s one of the most self-centered and selfish attitudes anyone can have and the reason why you’ve been so miserable in love. When you remove all the romantic literacy from that mentality and read it for what it is; you realize that you’re expecting someone who’s amazing, yet isn’t looking for someone amazing. You want someone who’s willing to happily put up with your crap without giving you any crap at all.

More amazing still is our hypocrisy; as we set the highest standards for others yet refuse to live up to those same standards ourselves. You expect someone to love you for who you are, yet you refuse to show any kind of self-love as you don’t have the slightest demonstration of developing for yourself since they have to love you “just as you are.” You expect them to put up with your “worse” as a price to enjoy you at your “best,” as if suffering was an acceptable toll for your company.

All this happens while you scrutinize the other person for any flaw or fault that will excuse you from feeling guilty of all they have to put up with. It’s to the point where instead of looking at what wonderful qualities someone might have, you focus on what flaws you’re unwilling to put up with. No wonder we keep hearing phrases like “all women are crazy” and “all guys are the same.” That’s what people look for when they look at someone, proof that the woman is “crazy” or the guy is just like the “rest.” It’s an easy way to avoid being accountable for our responsibility of every failed relationship we’ve ever been in.

If you want a relationship with an incredible person, you’d better be ready to work your ass off to become an incredible person yourself. Instead of looking for someone willing to settle for you, look for someone worth polishing who you are for them. Look for someone who pushes you to become better and worth growing for.

Don’t keep saying you want someone amazing when you only focus on the flaws people might have. What you focus on demonstrate what’s important to you. Everyone comes with baggage, but they also come with some wonderful qualities. Stop looking for excuses to treat people badly and start looking for reasons to cherish them.

Relationships aren’t about what the other person has to offer you, but rather what you both are willing to do for each other. Don’t expect to find a Leading Lady if you aren’t willing to be a Leading Man.

A Request To Every Strong Woman, From Every Strong Man

Strong women intimidate boys… and excite men.

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Ladies, you might have noticed that I tend to avoid making posts about dating and about women. The reality is that I have never wanted to turn Being Caballero into a dating advice column, but rather about how men need to better themselves. Also, I find it absurd and a bit arrogant that I, as a man, would tell women how to be.

That being said, I do have to bring up a topic in specific that does affect men’s efforts to become better men, and that is the notion that women today have to act dumb or weak to avoid scaring off men. To that mentality, I have but a single request to all you ladies out there that have considered it.

Please don’t.

Now for the elaborate explanation. Every woman has at one point or another either said the words “where are all the good men” or “guys are all the same.” They have felt that being strong, intelligent, and independent might be a good thing from a personal and professional level, but hinders them in finding a good relationship. They end up with the notion that good men are hard to find, so let’s settle with Mr. Good Enough.

Sure, you end up fulfilling the need to be in a relationship, you quench your thirst for companionship, but at what price. You end up in a relationship where you either keep up the mask of weakness and stupidity just to keep the man content, while your own happiness falters, or you show who you truly are at the risk of anyway creating further insecurities on an already insecure man. Is “at least I have a man” worth saying for a few days, months, or years of bad companionship in a bad relationship?

Consider the following. Every time you say that good men are hard to find, every other woman who hears you finds herself validated in lowering her own standards. This then creates a cycle of insecurities, where women assume that the price to pay for being strong and intelligent is loneliness. That’s not true.

Also consider the effect that it creates in men. “Every guy’s the same” just tells men that they don’t need to become better men, as they assume that their efforts won’t be even noticed. They assume that being “Good enough” is good enough to get a woman way out of their league. This makes men assume that women have to put up with half-assed relationship efforts, as they know that you are already willing to put yourself down just to avoid scaring him off.

The reality is that there are plenty of good men out there, and all too often they are asking themselves the very same question you are; “where are all the good women.” Nowadays, we find that men are more willing to better themselves, as they become aware of the personal need to better themselves, to not settle for a woman just based on her looks. They are looking for more from a relationship, usually the result of the same things that lead women to wonder where the good men are; previously failed relationships. The problem is that those insecure men and women tend to be really loud and drown out the rest of those who are strong enough not to need the social approval of others.

So go out there, be strong, be intelligent, be powerful, and be yourself. Who you are will automatically weed out the undesirables. Start looking for men you can look straight into their eyes, men who stand shoulder to shoulder and you don’t have to carry around. Look for men who are your equal. That kind of man is probably looking for the same thing.

Proud Mama’s Boy

A man who treats his woman like a princess is proof that he has been raised by a queen.

Wiz Khalifa

In a world where part of what people assume they need to hide part of which they are, resulting in people walking around with social masks. Some of these masks are to protect themselves from being exposed and hurt by others. Other masks are to portray an image they think others will like. The result, either way, is that people are left not knowing what to expect from someone.

This has been a constant topic mentioned by most women I have spoken with, as they don’t know what kind of man they often have before them in social settings. These men present themselves as Gentlemen, yet later on show their true colors as being a lot less. This has led plenty of women to have issues trusting anyone who carries the Gentleman label. Other men present themselves as being stoic or irresponsible or even uncaring, yet when the lady allows them to open up, they are in actuality perfect gentlemen who simply carried their masks as a shield to protect themselves as a result of past heartbreaks.

So this leaves Ladies in a rather confusing situation. Is the gentleman an actual gentleman or simply a wolf in sheep’s clothing? Is he really that bad of a person or is he really just trying to keep safe a heart of gold? There is a simple way to know. It’s just that you need to know where to look. You want to know how a man will treat a woman after all masks and shields fall off? Look at how he treats the one woman who met him before he put on his mask.

Look at how he treats his mother.

Most Gentlemen learn how to behave like warriors and learn the ceremonial side of society from their fathers or male role models. Now days, thanks to the evolution of modern dads, they also learn that life isn’t just work, as they learn to have fun and enjoy life from their fathers as well. That is why I constantly promote the inclusion of a male role model within a boy’s development.

Yet from their mother, they tend to learn how to respect and care for women. Moms become the first woman a man will care for. Here is where he will learn respect and responsibility about words and action done in front of a lady. It doesn’t need to be his biological mother. We see this in men with close relationships with their stepmothers, grandmothers, aunts, or big sister. In her presence, they will carry themselves as they want to be seen by them. And these lessons become engrained within their soul. This is why having a proper female role is so important.

I have noticed this to be a recurring trait among those who live under the Gentleman code. Yes, they might stray from the code during part of their lives, as they forget those lessons at one point or another. Yet these very men, those who have lost their way, will even straighten up with a single though, “what will my mother think.” Ladies, you might at one point or another complain about a gentleman’s mother, but if he treats you with respect and lovingly, this is the woman you should be thanking. She forged that side of his moral structure.

So, if you ever want to know how a man treats women, what he thinks of them, just look at how he treats his mother. You will quite often see that any man, who treats her with respect, will often do the same with you. So next time you wonder about this, see if the gentleman in question is a Proud Mama’s Boy.

Flipping The Dating Script

Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.

Scott Adams

There’s nothing as informally structured, anxiety inducing, and unnecessarily complicated within our society as dating. You would think that with the amount of people in the planet and our overtly connected society we have developed our ability to interact with the intention of sharing a life experience would be something we have down pat. What makes it even more interesting is the subjective perspective we have within the entire courtship drama that is life, as men and women assume that their gender got the short end of the dating stick.

Men assume that women are at an advantageous position when it comes to dating, where the social norms places women at an obvious advantage from their perspective. And they might be right. Men have to openly admit their interest in a Lady by making their first move. They have to pick an activity and a location they think the woman would want to do. They have to amuse, entertain, and romance her; risking rejection at every step of the way, as the entire evening becomes little more than a performance for just one judge, one single person who holds all the power… the woman sitting across the dinner table.

And they say that working for Chef Ramsay is stressful.

A man’s perspective about dating is great and all till you sit down and ask a woman her point of view, as they can clearly explain why men have the advantageous position when it comes to dating. And they might be right as well. The man can go up to a woman to ask her out, leaving the woman in a position of having to wait till he decides that he wants to. He picks the place and the time. He plans it out. And the woman is left in a passive position as the only active participation socially accepted is held by the man. If traditional dating rules are to be followed, the best they can do to during the entire situation, and even to initiate it, is to send out hints of interest and approval.

And we know just how well people in general pick up on hints.

But what if we could change this whole messy and complicated affair? What if we could hand women the power of assertiveness they complain that they don’t have within the courtship ritual? What if we could ask men not to be so controlling, allowing themselves the ability to enjoy the ride and let go of the reigns?

Guess that you can!!! Some mad genius has called out the social bullshit that men and women complain about dating by promoting for a second year in a row September as “Take a Man on a Date” month!

And I say that he is calling out the social bullshit about dating because as much as men might complain that women are on the judging table in the dating equation, nothing is as challenging to a man as taking a passive participation in anything in life. And women might complain about men having the power within the dating scene, yet very few have confronted the terrifying scenarios of possible rejections, and its accompanying self-doubt and social shaming, that come from asking someone out.

That’s the beauty of modernity… modern women are confident enough to just walk up to whoever they are interested in, and be able to ask them out! That should be a simple side effect of being a confident woman. Who cares what people think? The wonderful thing is that for this month, you can blame it on it being September.

And Gentlemen…  Modern men should be confident enough not to be intimidated by strong assertive women! Be honored and flattered is a lady comes up to ask you out. You probably are able to relate to every single thought she must have gone through before walking up to you. Don’t fall back into a judgmental or arrogant mindset, as you should be able to empathize.

And Empathy should be the most important lesson within this month. Men and women are given an opportunity to step into each others shoes (and depending on how the date does, into much more) on what each other goes through in the dating scene. React as you wish the other gender would react to you. Who knows, this might be a great opportunity for people to start treating dating as something fun.