A Request To Every Strong Woman, From Every Strong Man

Strong women intimidate boys… and excite men.

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Ladies, you might have noticed that I tend to avoid making posts about dating and about women. The reality is that I have never wanted to turn Being Caballero into a dating advice column, but rather about how men need to better themselves. Also, I find it absurd and a bit arrogant that I, as a man, would tell women how to be.

That being said, I do have to bring up a topic in specific that does affect men’s efforts to become better men, and that is the notion that women today have to act dumb or weak to avoid scaring off men. To that mentality, I have but a single request to all you ladies out there that have considered it.

Please don’t.

Now for the elaborate explanation. Every woman has at one point or another either said the words “where are all the good men” or “guys are all the same.” They have felt that being strong, intelligent, and independent might be a good thing from a personal and professional level, but hinders them in finding a good relationship. They end up with the notion that good men are hard to find, so let’s settle with Mr. Good Enough.

Sure, you end up fulfilling the need to be in a relationship, you quench your thirst for companionship, but at what price. You end up in a relationship where you either keep up the mask of weakness and stupidity just to keep the man content, while your own happiness falters, or you show who you truly are at the risk of anyway creating further insecurities on an already insecure man. Is “at least I have a man” worth saying for a few days, months, or years of bad companionship in a bad relationship?

Consider the following. Every time you say that good men are hard to find, every other woman who hears you finds herself validated in lowering her own standards. This then creates a cycle of insecurities, where women assume that the price to pay for being strong and intelligent is loneliness. That’s not true.

Also consider the effect that it creates in men. “Every guy’s the same” just tells men that they don’t need to become better men, as they assume that their efforts won’t be even noticed. They assume that being “Good enough” is good enough to get a woman way out of their league. This makes men assume that women have to put up with half-assed relationship efforts, as they know that you are already willing to put yourself down just to avoid scaring him off.

The reality is that there are plenty of good men out there, and all too often they are asking themselves the very same question you are; “where are all the good women.” Nowadays, we find that men are more willing to better themselves, as they become aware of the personal need to better themselves, to not settle for a woman just based on her looks. They are looking for more from a relationship, usually the result of the same things that lead women to wonder where the good men are; previously failed relationships. The problem is that those insecure men and women tend to be really loud and drown out the rest of those who are strong enough not to need the social approval of others.

So go out there, be strong, be intelligent, be powerful, and be yourself. Who you are will automatically weed out the undesirables. Start looking for men you can look straight into their eyes, men who stand shoulder to shoulder and you don’t have to carry around. Look for men who are your equal. That kind of man is probably looking for the same thing.

Hosting 101

A gentleman has his eyes on all those present; he is tender toward the bashful, gentle toward the distant, and merciful toward the absent.

Lawrence G. Lovasik

A few days ago, a clip from The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon caught some attention because of how he and Nicole Kidman first met. Several years ago, Nicole Kidman (certified by People Magazine as one of the 10 most beautiful people in the world) was interested in meeting Mr. Fallon, so she had a friend set them up. When she got to his apartment, he had no idea what to do or what to say, and not knowing it was that she was interested in him, proceeded to play videogames.

Watch the hilarious disaster below. 

He tried to excuse his behavior by stating he didn’t know this was a “date.” Others online dismiss it as the “awkward Geeky” Guy, and find it adorable. Me? I’m just am glad that Keth Urban came along and showed Ms. Kidman that #NotAllMen prefer Video Games to Ladies. Because even if he didn’t know it was a date, she was his guest and the very least you can offer a guest is your attention.

And I can bet he is not alone. I had previously mentioned the importance of having your home properly set up, but how do you handle visitors, be it romantic, professional, or simply amicable guests. So with that in mind, let’s deal with the basics of Hosting.

Hosting is not having a couple of college friends over to drink beer, eat chips and day old pizza, and play video games. There is nothing wrong with this, but this is definitely not hosting. Hosting is about creating a proper impression on your guest. So let’s break this down.

Attire:

I think mentioning that sweatpants, stained tshirts, trucker caps, or flipflops is not proper attire to greet should be obvious. Consider how you would dress up if you were meeting them outside; now take it down a bit. It’s that simple.

Food:

Unless this is a dinner party, food should be kept light. If your skills in the kitchen are lacking, sure, pull out the cheese and crackers. Just remember that cheese is for mice and crackers are for parrots, so… consider brushing up on your kitchen skills.

You don’t need to go full blown restaurant style hors d'oeuvres, but making some kind of appetizers should be fine. Look up some simple recipe in YouTube, especially something you could “improvise” in front of your guest. This way it doesn’t look like you planed it out.

Sprezzatura, my friend.

Refreshments:

Let me make something clear here, I am not saying you should have a fully stocked bar, or that you should be a trained mixologist. What I am saying is have options. Not everyone drinks scotch (Hey, I have learned to respect everyone, no matter their taste in poisons), not everyone drinks beer, and not everyone is a fan of wine. Some people don’t even drink spirits at all. Don’t force your own tastes on your guests, they are your guests after all. 

Be able to mix up something simple like a Mojito or a Martini if you really want to show off. Maybe have some Sangria premade in the fridge “just because.” I think that having some good coffee and the proper equipment to make it is a must, but then again I openly admit being a coffee addict.

Try to have the proper glassware for each spirit you might serve. Red Solo Cups are fine for frat boys, but you are no longer in a frat or are a boy. Cheap glasses are always better than expensive plastic cups.

Entertainment:

Do you know what is the most important item of entertainment in your entire home? YOU. Everything else should blend in the background and frame you as it’s your obligation to entertain your guest. They came over to see a movie? No. They came so YOU could share a movie with them. Same goes for music, and even Video Games. I would even advise against these things, except for music. The visit should be about conversation and enjoying each other’s company. Music should be used to set a mode, not to dominate it.

Special Note on the Video Games: Unless the guest brings over a game, DO NOT TURN ON YOUR GAME SYSTEM. Be an Urban, not a Fallon.

 

Nothing Is As Impressive As The Man Who Believes In Himself.

With confidence, you have won before you have started.

Marcus Garvey

As someone who has spoken and writes about relationships, about men, and about women; there are several questions that I am constantly asked.

Why are women attracted to bad boys?

Why do guys go after the models?

What is the most attractive quality a woman/man can have?

Is having a likeable personality as important as good looks or having money?

Is it true that women want a guy who can make them laugh?

And the list goes on. Most of these questions are based on a social bias or personal experience the person making the question has. And I have given somewhat vague answers at one time or another. I say “vague” because I am a firm believer that if you can’t offer a simple explanation, you don’t really understand the topic. So after some thought and discussion with other like-minded gentlemen and ladies, I have reached that simple answer I was looking for.

Non-Apologetic Confidence!

It’s not having a likeable personality, or being funny, or being bad, or working as a model, or having a lot of money. Let me first clarify a few of these misconceptions. “Likeable” is pretty subjective. What one person finds likeable, another can find as irritating. Being funny? Last I checked stand-up comedian or clown was never listed among the sexiest professions a man can have. And the kind of partner who might find you attractive because of your money is exactly the kind of partner you want to avoid.

But what about models and bad boys? You haven’t mentioned them yet.

The one thing that models (not the Instagram kind) and bad boys have in common is that aura of self-confidence, the “I am who I am, and I don’t care what you think.” These people are defined by themselves, and not under the idea that they must conform to other people’s standards, they are who they are and aren’t ashamed of it. They actually revel in who they are, enjoying it without need to excuse themselves. The image of confidence is the world’s greatest aphrodisiac.

Sure, women are attracted to the bad boy because he provides a sense of danger and makes them feel rebellious, especially if the lady in question has led a rather safe (restrictive) life. The reality is it’s his confidence. The bad boy isn’t necessarily bad, but rather proud of his rebellious attitude, unwilling to water themselves down to make weaker people comfortable. There is also the motherly sense of “I can fix him”, but that is material for another article.

Men, on the other side, are attracted to models, not because they just stand there and look pretty, like so many women might assume. What they find attractive is that confidence to walk (or stand) with such confidence that they are unfazed by the staring glances and comments of others. They will wear those heals, sway those hips, and stand proud, unashamed but rather empowered by themselves.

Do understand that in both cases, this is the image projected. The bad boy might be an abusive asshole who will never change or the model might be an insecure emotional disaster. But the image they exude, the aura around them, is one of absolute power brought about by their apparent confidence.

Am I promoting faking confidence? I am not above advising to “fake it till you make it.”

I do recommend working on your confidence. Hold your head high, and walk like you own the world. If you make a mistake, learn from it. But NEVER put yourself down. You will have plenty of people willing to do that for you.

Believe in yourself. Believe that there is nothing you can’t do. Smile just enough to let the world know you “got this.” Gaze intense enough to let the world know you won’t back down. And NEVER EVER apologize for being YOU!

Understanding My Femininity Doesn’t Take Away From My Masculinity

 The heart of a human being is no different from the soul of heaven and earth. In your practice always keep in your thoughts the interaction of heaven and earth, water and fire, yin and yang.

Morihei Ueshiba

We are constantly told what to think and how to act by society, as it imposes “traditional” ideas. Even when we confront them, we are in a way recognizing and validating these ideas as “traditions” that must be challenged. Yet, what happens when we realize that what we believe are “traditional” ideals are really modern concepts and inventions with no real practical application. We are then free from even accepting them.

We see this constant reinforcement of how men must be masculine and must shy away from anything that could be considered effeminate, in the same way that women are bombarded by ideals of femininity and must avoid acting in a way that could be considered “butch.” We are also told that these are the traditional gender roles, roles that must be challenged if we want to achieve gender equality by removing gender ideals.

But what if I told you that the actual traditional ideal is that everyone has a masculine and feminine aspect to them, irrelevant to their biological sex.

Yes, I am going to give you today a short history and philosophy class. The term feminine and masculine, just as manhood and womanhood didn’t even exist in western culture till the late 14^th century. Before that, people where simply defined by their role within a society. Yes, there was a distinction between men and women, but mostly defined by the idea that women procreated and men defended. This becomes rather important in a society when half of the population of the known world just got wiped out by plague and war.

It wasn’t till mid-20^th century that the idea of men being exclusively masculine and women being exclusively feminine came about. Before that, all men and women where considered to poses both, masculine and feminine aspects. It was actually promoted to find a personal balance between these two sides within a person. The most evident and obvious example of this ideal is within the notions of Yin and Yang.

Yin & Yang describes how apparent opposite forces are actually complementary, interconnected, and interdependent in both nature and man. They give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another in their duality, be it light and dark, fire and water, or simply male and female. We have to note that neither is viewed as good and the other as bad, but simply two sides of the same coin.

Yin and Yang are thought as complementary, rather than opposing, forces in a dynamic universe in which the whole is greater than the parts. Everything and everyone has both Yin and Yang aspects:

Yin being negative, passive, and the feminine principals of nature, represented by the moon.

Yang being the positive, active, and the masculine principals of nature, represented by the sun.

(Note that negative and positive in this context have nothing to do with good or bad.)

This duality and balance between the masculine and feminine aspects of a person was actually something sought out and promoted… till someone thought it a good idea to create even a greater rift between men and women around the 1950’s.

Does that mean that women and men were equal before this time? No, and that is the reason why we fight so hard to promote gender equality. But gender equality, or any equality should never be about sameness.

What this means is how if we are able to understand that we all have a feminine and a masculine side, maybe we would be a lot more open minded to the idea of empathizing with each other, and we could actually be able to break down the barriers between the genders. Maybe men could actually realize that they can understand women, and women could actually realize that they can understand men.