Guerilla Compliments

I can live for two months on a good compliment.

Mark Twain

I’m going to say something that, although isn’t true, most of us have thought about. The world is full of idiots and assholes. The reality is that it isn’t. It’s just that assholes are pretty vocal about proving to the world what they are, usually loud enough to drown out the rest of us. And the problem lies in the fact that it just takes one single awful word or act to ruin our entire day. We’ll let it simmer within our minds, poisoning our every thought, and spreading it out to our environments as if it were some kind of virulent disease.

But here’s the flip side of the coin many of us usually don’t consider. It also takes a single compliment, a single kind word, to make someone’s day. When someone, specially a complete stranger, says something nice, you will probably end up smiling on the fact that someone was able to say something nice to you in a world proud of just being mean. You’ll share the story to your friends, reliving that simple moment where for an instant, the world wasn’t that horrible.

Now here’s the truly amazing fact that we keep forgetting, you have that power over everyone around you, especially those you don’t know in a personal level. You can be an asshole and ruin someone’s entire day or you can be nice and make someone’s entire day. You can make a difference every day to make this a nicer world, a single smile at a time.

With that in mind, I have always believed in guerrilla acts, as they become so random that the person is left without the possibility of accusing you of having ulterior motives. I mentioned this before in an old Valentine post. But what if it’s not limited to romance and valentines, what if you expanded it to everything and everyone?

What I am proposing are simple acts that take very little effort. It’s as simple as smiling to a complete stranger and saying “good day.” It’s as simple as offering a compliment on something about the person. “That’s a beautiful scarf” or “what a lovely pendant” will usually let the person realize that the world recognizes their existence in a positive way.

Just make sure to leave it at that and not turn it into some kind of opening gambit or pick up line, as it take away ALL validity of the act. Also consider what you compliment on. ’Dat Ass or Damn aren’t really appropriate compliments. Neither is complimenting on things that might be interpreted as inappropriate.

A while back, there was an online joke about #DudesGreatingDudes, as a criticism of catcalling apologists. Although it was intended as a joke, I actually agree with it. Limiting your compliments to the ladies proves that you’re intentions aren’t about making a decent world, but rather to see how many numbers you rack up. See a gentleman wearing a nice tie? Let him know. They have a nice car, why not mention it? Is it really that hard to say something as simple as “nice hat”?

You see, anyone gets a kick off a compliment and anyone deserves to be reminded that decent people actually outnumber the assholes. We just have to start being as loud as those who ruin everyone else’s day.

The Closer You Are, The Less They See

The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance.

Nathaniel Branden

Some time ago, I wrote about the importance of understanding that you can’t change anyone. People need to change for themselves. What you can do is inspire them to change. And it’s that inspiration that leads most men to change, to want to be more, to be better. Many times this change is a realization of how they need to be a better friend, a better son, a better brother, a better husband, or a better father. With that understanding, the man sets off to grow into a better person, inspired by how they can be more for someone they love; they are confronted with an unexpected result.

The person doesn’t see it.

I know that you should change for yourself, to become a better person because, well, you don’t change to impress others. You do change to be a better man, and as a result, become more for those around you. But if we are able to get off the moralistic high horse and be completely honest, having those who inspired your change to recognize it gives us a sense of validation, further inspiration to move forward. Yet, let me warn you right now. Those who are the closest to you are probably the last to notice your change.

Think of it this way. You realize that you need to lose weight, so you go on a diet and start working out. You adjust your eating habits and your lifestyle to achieve the goal. Before anyone notices, you start to see the changes. By the 4^th week, your clothing starts to fit better or even loose. Nobody has said anything yet, as these minor changes aren’t that evident. By week 8, maybe a coworker or a friend you haven’t seen in a while compliments you on your weight loss. Ironically, those that see you every day constantly haven’t said a word about it. Maybe, if you’re lucky, after a couple of months, those around you will notice the change.

The reason for this is simple, they see you every day. Gradual change isn’t that easy to see. Your change is like a rock being slowly eroded by the weather into a new shape. To those who see the rock every day, they don’t see any change, but to those who see it every once in a while, this change isn’t as gradual. But unlike weight loss or an eroding rock, you can’t really track personal change. There isn’t a scale that can weigh neither integrity nor character.

The reality is, like the rock being weathered and eroded; you are trying to chip away at the image those close to you have created for years and years. It’s ironic how your past actions and attitude, the same ones you want to change as you realize how they affect those around you, are the same ones that make it difficult to those around you to see your change. You have to understand and become aware that you can’t change an opinion that you forged for several years in just a few months of change.

The good news is that they probably have included your change to their image of you; they just haven’t become aware of it. Our image of someone is created by our subconscious, so these opinions change and adjust without our realization. You just need to give the person time to make the realization of just how much you have changed.

But, there are a couple of ways to help the person realize how you have changed…

I have to bring this up before we move on. Some people don’t want to see you change. Their image of you justifies their attitude towards you or the fact that you changed into someone better exposes their insecurities. Be observant as these people will try to hinder any change you try to do to make yourself into more.

As I said, there are two ways to help make someone aware of your change.

The first is to become aware of how much the other person has changed and become more. We tend to focus on ourselves, and quite often fall into the same behavior we criticize on others. Look at the other person and become aware of how they have changed in a positive way. Compliment them on this. Awareness and positivity is just as contagious as criticism and negativity. Affect their attitude and perception by adjusting your own. As they realize how you are aware of their growth, they will become aware of your own.

The second is to make a change that isn’t so gradual. Change the way they see you by doing a change they will see every day. It forces the person to reset how they see you. Have you had a mustache or a beard all your life? Shave it.  You’ve always been a clean shaven man? Grow a beard. Shave your head, or color out your greys, or get contacts to get rid of your glasses. The idea is to basically dynamite the previous image they had of you, shatter that shell to show off the new you. As they see you every day in a way that doesn’t quite fit your previous image, they will start to reshape their image of you.

With all that’s said, keep in mind that as much as you might appreciate having your efforts recognized, receiving recognition isn’t why you decided to change. Take the time to see how your change is helping those around you. Recognize your own efforts and the effects your change has on those around you. Also consider how those around you might be well aware of your change. They just understand that helping you in your change is more important than applauding your change. 

Social Skills =Survival Skills

No one would talk much in society if they knew how often they misunderstood others.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

We try to prepare our boys the best we can, as we teach them how to deal with the different challenges they will face in life. Before we place them behind the wheel of a car, we teach them about safety and about driving rules and etiquette. Before we take them out into the boonies, we teach them basic survival skills. Even as they head off to college, they are required to take an intro class to college life. We don’t just drop them off expecting them to simply “figure it out as they go along.” That would be really irresponsible on our end as we are basically setting them up to fail. 

So, if we do this for most of their lives, why don’t we do the same with something as critical to everyday life as social interaction and social living? We cast them off into the world expecting them to survive unscathed a world of social nuances. We then spend years wondering why they became introverts, or develop social anxieties, or anti-social behavior, or why something as simple as how to express themselves and understand the needs of others becomes so difficult for them.

Keep in mind that I am not blaming any of society’s ills on bad parenting, as bad kids can come from good parents just as often as good kids come from bad parents. Also, with the available resources within today’s hyper-connected society, anyone can learn what they need or want from anywhere. A man should understand that if he has to deal within an environment; wouldn’t it be in his best interest to have the proper tools and skills to thrive within that environment?

Just consider the world we live in today, where your life and your behavior are pretty much in constant public display. Consider the amount of dysfunctional relationships and the amount of people who live in a constant state of social aggression. How much of our problems are simply that people are incapable of expressing themselves in a way others can understand? How much of our problems are simply that we are unable to understand the needs of others? How much of our problems are that we simply don’t know how to react or behave within a given situation? How many of our anxieties, our frustrations, and even our violent reactions are directly related to these issues?

We want to assume we know what we are doing in most social interactions as a way to keep up the illusion of knowledge, to others and to ourselves. As a defense mechanism we either shut out those who get too close or infer that the problem lies in the other person to avoid confronting our own shortcomings, as we assume that social skills should be simple. We want to think that talking to each other or expressing ourselves is an instinctive ability.

It’s not instinctive at all. Social skills are just as much a learned skill as riding a bike. If anything, social skills are learned to subdue and discipline our instinctive “fight/flight” reaction in many situations. We need to understand how important these skills are to teach and to learn. Only then can we avoid assuming cheating ourselves from them or picking them up only for questionable reasons.

Take the time to learn, starting by assuming you need to learn. Sometimes it’s good to assume you don’t know what you’re doing. It’s easier to realize you were right all along than to admit you were wrong. Learn to listen to others, especially when its things we don’t want to hear.  Learn to talk about yourself without bragging, but without selling yourself short. Learn that everyone is different and you can learn from everyone, no matter how much you might disagree with them. Learn that being social is both, about being sympathetic as it is standing up for yourself. Empower yourself by defining your boundaries and empower others by opening up those same boundaries.

Nothing Is As Impressive As The Man Who Believes In Himself.

With confidence, you have won before you have started.

Marcus Garvey

As someone who has spoken and writes about relationships, about men, and about women; there are several questions that I am constantly asked.

Why are women attracted to bad boys?

Why do guys go after the models?

What is the most attractive quality a woman/man can have?

Is having a likeable personality as important as good looks or having money?

Is it true that women want a guy who can make them laugh?

And the list goes on. Most of these questions are based on a social bias or personal experience the person making the question has. And I have given somewhat vague answers at one time or another. I say “vague” because I am a firm believer that if you can’t offer a simple explanation, you don’t really understand the topic. So after some thought and discussion with other like-minded gentlemen and ladies, I have reached that simple answer I was looking for.

Non-Apologetic Confidence!

It’s not having a likeable personality, or being funny, or being bad, or working as a model, or having a lot of money. Let me first clarify a few of these misconceptions. “Likeable” is pretty subjective. What one person finds likeable, another can find as irritating. Being funny? Last I checked stand-up comedian or clown was never listed among the sexiest professions a man can have. And the kind of partner who might find you attractive because of your money is exactly the kind of partner you want to avoid.

But what about models and bad boys? You haven’t mentioned them yet.

The one thing that models (not the Instagram kind) and bad boys have in common is that aura of self-confidence, the “I am who I am, and I don’t care what you think.” These people are defined by themselves, and not under the idea that they must conform to other people’s standards, they are who they are and aren’t ashamed of it. They actually revel in who they are, enjoying it without need to excuse themselves. The image of confidence is the world’s greatest aphrodisiac.

Sure, women are attracted to the bad boy because he provides a sense of danger and makes them feel rebellious, especially if the lady in question has led a rather safe (restrictive) life. The reality is it’s his confidence. The bad boy isn’t necessarily bad, but rather proud of his rebellious attitude, unwilling to water themselves down to make weaker people comfortable. There is also the motherly sense of “I can fix him”, but that is material for another article.

Men, on the other side, are attracted to models, not because they just stand there and look pretty, like so many women might assume. What they find attractive is that confidence to walk (or stand) with such confidence that they are unfazed by the staring glances and comments of others. They will wear those heals, sway those hips, and stand proud, unashamed but rather empowered by themselves.

Do understand that in both cases, this is the image projected. The bad boy might be an abusive asshole who will never change or the model might be an insecure emotional disaster. But the image they exude, the aura around them, is one of absolute power brought about by their apparent confidence.

Am I promoting faking confidence? I am not above advising to “fake it till you make it.”

I do recommend working on your confidence. Hold your head high, and walk like you own the world. If you make a mistake, learn from it. But NEVER put yourself down. You will have plenty of people willing to do that for you.

Believe in yourself. Believe that there is nothing you can’t do. Smile just enough to let the world know you “got this.” Gaze intense enough to let the world know you won’t back down. And NEVER EVER apologize for being YOU!