You Are Worthy Of Being You

Self-worth comes from one thing - thinking that you are worthy.

Wayne Dyer

As I mentioned before, we live in a society that prides itself into forcing everyone into a constant state of “averageness,” as "ordinary" isn’t offensive to anyone. The rich are made to feel ashamed of being rich while the poor are made to feel ashamed of being poor. Women are made to feel ashamed of being women while men are made to feel ashamed of being men. Anyone looking into ways of becoming better is shamed out of their pursuit under the excuse of “you are perfect as you are.”

The reason for this is simple; anything beyond ordinary exposed the insecurities of others want to hide. Those who are successful exposes how average people can achieve more. Those who have fallen on hard times exposed how those who pride themselves on being average are doing nothing to help the less fortunate. It pretty much exposes those who want to wallow in doing little more than exist how there is life beyond the comfort zone.

The danger of this attitude isn’t its ability to prize mediocrity, but in making those who could be more feel ashamed of wanting to be more. Those who work hard for their financial success are made to feel ashamed of being successful, as success is vilified under the image of greed. Those who take care of their appearance are made to feel ashamed of being elegant, as elegance is vilified under the image of vanity. Those who work hard to better themselves are made to feel ashamed of their self-betterment efforts, as these efforts are vilified under the image of arrogance. That is why movements like #NoExcuses are attacked so virulently online, with constant accusations of shaming those who choose to have excuses. The success of some exposes the insecurities of others.

Why should you feel ashamed of your hard work and your effort? Why should you minimize your achievements? We see this every time we diminish what we do for others and for ourselves. I am not talking about pride vs. humility. I am talking about not having to lessen who we are because others can’t confront their own insecurities. I am saying you shouldn’t lower your head just so others don’t feel bad about themselves.

If your success, in whatever endeavor you participate, is the result of your hard work, be proud of it. You help this world more by becoming an inspiration to others who also want to succeed than by comforting those who want to stay comfortable. Be proud of every challenge you overcome, of every status quo you shatter, to every time you become more than you where yesterday. You are worthy of your success. You are worthy of being more.

You are worthy of being you!

The Power of a Halfcocked Smile

A positive attitude my not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

Herm Albright

This world is full of people who will bring you down, who live off making everyone else miserable and find comfort in that misery. If they can’t be happy with themselves, nobody can be happy with themselves. They will focus only in the negative and will scream and shout and finger point so everyone else will look at the negative in the world. They feel empowered by bringing everyone else down to their level.

I refuse to give these people power.

I could choose to fight and argue against the negative people of the world, but that is as useless a battle as trying to argue with an idiot. They will lower you to their level and beat you with experience. Instead, I have found the best way to deal with people like this.

I smile.

In actuality I don’t smile as much as I do a halfcocked smile. It’s the kind of smile that a man gets when he remembers something ‘nice’ he’s done, yet doesn’t want to tell others about. The best way I could describe this smile is the male equivalent of a ‘Bitch Face.’ As with the dangerous ‘Bitch Face’, there is a similar power behind the Halfcocked Smile. Everyone around you that like you will know you got this covered. Everyone around you that DON’T like you will also know you got this covered. So it works either way.

Some people might call this kind of smile a smirk. In reality the only people who call it a smirk are those who get nervous when you have it. To be honest, I’m glad they get nervous. It’s easier to see who wishes you wrong. And after a while doing this, you will notice that, just like a woman suffering from ‘Resting Bitch-face’ you will end up with what can only be described as ‘Resting Cockiness’? 

Nothing Is As Impressive As The Man Who Believes In Himself.

With confidence, you have won before you have started.

Marcus Garvey

As someone who has spoken and writes about relationships, about men, and about women; there are several questions that I am constantly asked.

Why are women attracted to bad boys?

Why do guys go after the models?

What is the most attractive quality a woman/man can have?

Is having a likeable personality as important as good looks or having money?

Is it true that women want a guy who can make them laugh?

And the list goes on. Most of these questions are based on a social bias or personal experience the person making the question has. And I have given somewhat vague answers at one time or another. I say “vague” because I am a firm believer that if you can’t offer a simple explanation, you don’t really understand the topic. So after some thought and discussion with other like-minded gentlemen and ladies, I have reached that simple answer I was looking for.

Non-Apologetic Confidence!

It’s not having a likeable personality, or being funny, or being bad, or working as a model, or having a lot of money. Let me first clarify a few of these misconceptions. “Likeable” is pretty subjective. What one person finds likeable, another can find as irritating. Being funny? Last I checked stand-up comedian or clown was never listed among the sexiest professions a man can have. And the kind of partner who might find you attractive because of your money is exactly the kind of partner you want to avoid.

But what about models and bad boys? You haven’t mentioned them yet.

The one thing that models (not the Instagram kind) and bad boys have in common is that aura of self-confidence, the “I am who I am, and I don’t care what you think.” These people are defined by themselves, and not under the idea that they must conform to other people’s standards, they are who they are and aren’t ashamed of it. They actually revel in who they are, enjoying it without need to excuse themselves. The image of confidence is the world’s greatest aphrodisiac.

Sure, women are attracted to the bad boy because he provides a sense of danger and makes them feel rebellious, especially if the lady in question has led a rather safe (restrictive) life. The reality is it’s his confidence. The bad boy isn’t necessarily bad, but rather proud of his rebellious attitude, unwilling to water themselves down to make weaker people comfortable. There is also the motherly sense of “I can fix him”, but that is material for another article.

Men, on the other side, are attracted to models, not because they just stand there and look pretty, like so many women might assume. What they find attractive is that confidence to walk (or stand) with such confidence that they are unfazed by the staring glances and comments of others. They will wear those heals, sway those hips, and stand proud, unashamed but rather empowered by themselves.

Do understand that in both cases, this is the image projected. The bad boy might be an abusive asshole who will never change or the model might be an insecure emotional disaster. But the image they exude, the aura around them, is one of absolute power brought about by their apparent confidence.

Am I promoting faking confidence? I am not above advising to “fake it till you make it.”

I do recommend working on your confidence. Hold your head high, and walk like you own the world. If you make a mistake, learn from it. But NEVER put yourself down. You will have plenty of people willing to do that for you.

Believe in yourself. Believe that there is nothing you can’t do. Smile just enough to let the world know you “got this.” Gaze intense enough to let the world know you won’t back down. And NEVER EVER apologize for being YOU!

Making Good Men Shamelessly.

We cannot grow when we are in shame, and we can't use shame to change ourselves or others.

Brene Brown

Every once in a while we need to step back, review ourselves and those around us, and look at the world around us from a critical perspective. As men, and as people, I am seeing how it is becoming a common practice by to many within the social media to use shame into forcing people into action. And yet I see how it is actually creating a stronger resistance to that which needs to change.

There are bad men out there, a lot of them. This is true. But is it because they are men? Or because they are bad? Do we want create good men? Or just guilt them so they aren't bad to you? Or do you just want someone to blame for the bad men that have hurt you?

I support the ideals of feminism to tooth and nail. The biggest influences in my endeavors into the Gentleman ideals were the strong women role models in my life, who taught me that the most important thing in life is respect; to self and to others. They taught me that the biggest gift I can give anyone is to raise them higher than they could have gotten without my help. This is the main lessons I try to pass on to anyone who reads my message, or hears me talk.

The one thing that they also taught me was never to expect positive re-actions from negative actions. Shame is based on Guilt. And guilt only produces 3 things in life.

1. The person feels guilty, which basically translates to self-hate.
2. The person dismisses whatever you say have to say, no matter how right you are.
3. The person hates you for trying your attempt at making them hate themselves.

Nothing about shame produces a positive result. At best, they will agree with you because they hate themselves. At worse, you will reinforce the very thing you want to change.

Think of this from this perspective. If you shame a racist because they said a racial slur, will they learn empathy, acceptance, and the benefits of diversity? Or will they learn to not say the slur in front of you? They might even choose to say that slur even more, just to get back at you. But if we teach people how to be better, about empathy, acceptance, and the benefits of equality?

Men, you are fathers, sons, brothers, and friends to other men around you. You teach and affect those around you with your actions and comments. You are a role model, so act like it. Women, you are told that it’s up to men to change men. But you are mothers, daughters, sisters, and friends to men. You too can teach and affect men around you with your actions and comments. You too are a role model. As a society, we need to stop trying to shame the bad out of a person, and start focusing on teaching them to be good.

A Gentleman’s Guide to Catcalling and Compliments.

I can understand all the confusion and arguments that have arisen from the topic of Catcalling. You might think it’s insulting to women or you might think it’s a compliment. The reality is that without understanding what you are doing, or simply generalizing an act, you can’t really make a proper judgment call on this, or any, topic. So with that in mind, let’s look at Catcalling/Complimenting.

I’m not here to shame you into behaving, we get that way too often by other people. Way to often I am seeing men dismiss it, saying that it’s a compliment and women should be glad they get the attention. Other men react disgusted by it, but their explanation sounds way to often like a pre-rehearsed script written for them to avoid social shaming. With that in mind I want to handle the subject from a practical, nonjudgmental standpoint.

First off, what’s catcalling? Taking away all the subjective and qualitative aspect, it’s a person openly calling out another person to get their attention. Why do some people catcall? Supposedly to compliment the other person. I say supposedly because that’s not what happens, from a practical perspective.

Let’s say your intention is trying to get the attention of a woman you want to meet. So you openly call her out on her beauty. Doesn’t sound that bad, right? In a way it is. You called the attention of everyone around you to her. You just threw her in a spotlight she wasn’t either interested in or prepared for. Think of it as yelling out “Hey everyone, look at her!” while shining a big stoplight on her as she is surrounded by complete strangers. You might not mind it, but she might. And you just didn’t care if she did or didn’t, you openly told her you don’t care what she thinks, because her only purpose is to amuse you.

Things kind of start taking a different perspective, right.

Now, let’s look at you. Yelling out a comment like that is little more than what a kid does when he yells out “Mom, look at me…mom, look no hands…mom, you’re not looking!” It’s a cry for attention and validation, be it from the lady or from the people around you. If you need that kind of validation, your problem is not that you catcall, but that you don’t value yourself enough. It also proves that you don’t have the self-confidence enough to walk up to her, the self-confidence to risk rejection. How exactly where you planning to talk to her afterwards if you can’t even get the courage to walk up to her?

And this is just with those “non-offensive” catcalls. When you step into the realm of vulgarity, you are basically letting her know that you view her as little more than a replacement for your own hand. At this point you are also letting her know what kind of man you are and what she can expect if she responds. This isn’t about compliments any more, but about openly demeaning her and threatening her. At this point, you crossed the boundary between a misguided guy making a social faux pas, and dove head in into the rapist mentality.

Please reconsider your life path.

But let’s say you still want to say hello, or to tell her she’s beautiful, or simply to be civil. Guess what? You have options.

First consider how many idiots, assholes, and just plain stupid people there are in the world. Don’t worry; I’ll wait till you think about this…

Now ask yourself how a complete stranger knows you are not one of them? “She shouldn’t judge me without knowing me!” Why not? You did it to her. You don’t know what’s going on with her, what her story is. Your attitude proved this already when you expect her to consider your comment. Your comment and your reaction became your first impression.

The second thing you have to consider is how to get rid of the spotlight effect. If your action calls out the attention of everyone around you, or calls attention to her, you are spotlighting. That’s why so many guys react offended when the lady doesn’t reply or react positively. You placed yourself in a position where her rejection made you look bad. The reality is YOU placed YOURSELF in that situation, not her. So don’t blame her.

So if to say hello, or to comment or compliment, you need to raise your voice, you are spotlighting. If you want to tell her hello while she walks by, say hello in a civilized tone. Start with a smile to see if she is even paying attention. If she doesn’t respond, saying hello at this point is telling her “Look at me!” Again, you are not riding a bike, and she is not your mother.

Let’s say you want to tell her she is beautiful, attractive, or whatever other idea you might have that isn’t crass or reduces her to a plastic doll. First off, apologize for interrupting whatever she is doing. The reality is you are stepping into her world, and interrupting her life, even if it’s to give her a compliment. This simple act will let you know if the comment is welcomed. If she reacts negatively, apologize and walk away. No foul and no harm. Consider that you have no idea what she is doing, thinking, or going through. Or maybe she is just a bad person. It might be for the best.

If she responded negatively, please don’t press the issue. At that point you are proving it wasn’t about giving her a compliment, but rather about you giving a compliment. Again…Bike and mom looking.

So consider the reality of the situation. There is nothing wrong with a hello or a compliment. Just keep in mind that a compliment is only a compliment when it’s given like one.