You Are Worthy Of Being You

Self-worth comes from one thing - thinking that you are worthy.

Wayne Dyer

As I mentioned before, we live in a society that prides itself into forcing everyone into a constant state of “averageness,” as "ordinary" isn’t offensive to anyone. The rich are made to feel ashamed of being rich while the poor are made to feel ashamed of being poor. Women are made to feel ashamed of being women while men are made to feel ashamed of being men. Anyone looking into ways of becoming better is shamed out of their pursuit under the excuse of “you are perfect as you are.”

The reason for this is simple; anything beyond ordinary exposed the insecurities of others want to hide. Those who are successful exposes how average people can achieve more. Those who have fallen on hard times exposed how those who pride themselves on being average are doing nothing to help the less fortunate. It pretty much exposes those who want to wallow in doing little more than exist how there is life beyond the comfort zone.

The danger of this attitude isn’t its ability to prize mediocrity, but in making those who could be more feel ashamed of wanting to be more. Those who work hard for their financial success are made to feel ashamed of being successful, as success is vilified under the image of greed. Those who take care of their appearance are made to feel ashamed of being elegant, as elegance is vilified under the image of vanity. Those who work hard to better themselves are made to feel ashamed of their self-betterment efforts, as these efforts are vilified under the image of arrogance. That is why movements like #NoExcuses are attacked so virulently online, with constant accusations of shaming those who choose to have excuses. The success of some exposes the insecurities of others.

Why should you feel ashamed of your hard work and your effort? Why should you minimize your achievements? We see this every time we diminish what we do for others and for ourselves. I am not talking about pride vs. humility. I am talking about not having to lessen who we are because others can’t confront their own insecurities. I am saying you shouldn’t lower your head just so others don’t feel bad about themselves.

If your success, in whatever endeavor you participate, is the result of your hard work, be proud of it. You help this world more by becoming an inspiration to others who also want to succeed than by comforting those who want to stay comfortable. Be proud of every challenge you overcome, of every status quo you shatter, to every time you become more than you where yesterday. You are worthy of your success. You are worthy of being more.

You are worthy of being you!

Talk To Us. The First Of Several Social Skills Surveys.

Asking the right question is more important than knowing the right answer.

Being Caballero

As I mentioned in a previous post, living within any society means that personal interaction is a necessary part of life. Our ability to communicate with each other, to understand other, and to make ourselves understood is vital to living a full life. Some of us however find such interactions challenging or stressful. For some people, navigating within the social nuances becomes as challenging as navigating within a real storm. Their personal mannerisms turn even the most casual interactions into a battle with social norms and individual misunderstandings. In many cases, the characteristics that make a person different from the rest of society or their inability to fully express themselves becomes a source of frustration that lead to feelings of low self-esteem and self-worth. These feelings, so often, manifest in an anti-social attitude or even  into actual violent behavior so common today. 

Previously I had mentioned how we might think we understand a problem, but it’s our own preconceptions that keep us from fully understanding its reality and finding a useful solution. Instead, we assume we understand the problem without really looking at it and end up developing a catch-all solution that only works to make us feel better about how smart we are. The actual results? Those are pretty questionable. 

I want to look at social skills from as many perspectives as possible. Posting up an article or making a workshop based solely on a personal bias or developing a generic solution would be a disservice to all who read our posts. (Not to mention how doing it this way is a pretty arrogant attitude.) So instead of thinking I know what you go through, why not ask? I want to listen to what you have to say and consider how you feel. 

To be able to do this, we are devising a series of surveys based on several aspects on the topic of social skills. We want you to become part of our team; in a way we ask you to become our focus group. These surveys will help us better understand what social challenges our readers go through and how we can best provide advice and service.

The first survey we developed focuses on the general concepts of social skills and its general challenges. Your identity and answers are completely confidential, but will help us develop a better understanding and a clearer image of what others go through. and helping us to produce better content. 

Please, talk to us. We are here to listen. Head over to the first of several surveys and let’s create this path together.

Being Caballero's Survey on Social Skills & Challenges

Chivalry Is A Man’s Recognition Of His Privileges

Some say that the age of chivalry is past, that the spirit of romance is dead. The age of chivalry is never past, so long as there is a wrong left unredressed on earth.

Charles Kingsley (1819-1875)

Some time ago I posted an article where I mentioned how “few words create such a vivid, complex, controversial, and individualized interpretation within the English language as Gentleman. Although Chivalry isn’t far behind.” At that time, I focused on the universal archetype of the Gentleman, leaving to deal with Chivalry on a later date.

Guess what? It’s a later date.

Many people dismiss (or rather would like to dismiss) chivalry as a concept whose time has passed. “I treat everyone equally” or “it’s about being civil” or the ever present “I respect everyone” are used over and over as an apparent dismissal of the need for Chivalry. Others have called Chivalry as a form of “benevolent sexism” citing the fact that gentlemen tend to offer ladies a higher level of respect in actions than they do other men. This would be true if it had anything to do with what chivalry actually is and the obligations it imposes on a gentleman.

I used the word obligations with full intent of the word. Since the days of the Knight and the Samurai and the Junzi, the chivalrous had moral obligations due to his privileged position within society. They understood the blessings they possessed, and also understood that these blessings came with a series of duties. This attitude carried on to the gentlemen of old and carries on to the modern gentlemen. The problem today is how men refuse to acknowledge their social obligations as they refuse to acknowledge the privileges within their lives.

Your age gives you the privilege of experience. This means you have the duty of mentorship. Your youth gives you the privilege of strength. This means you have an obligation to protect those you can. Up to now, this is pretty easy to understand by everyone. But it’s when you move to recognizing some touchy subjects that people tend to ignore their privileges within the world. Here’s where most tend to falter within their duties and obligations as they refuse to see the inequalities within the world and how they are benefited from these social injustices.

Your social standings and financial security, however earned, mean you are privileged to a better life. This means you have a duty to lead a charitable life helping those less fortunate. Your gender as a man means you don’t have to deal with some of the sexism and threats women deal with every day from men who openly attack them simply for being a woman. This means you have a duty to, at the very least make their everyday a little better as you understand the burdens of being a woman within today’s society. Remember that “benevolent sexism” comment? As a gentleman, you are more of a feminist than most guys who simply believe in treating women as equals. But as I have said before, not everyone understands chivalry.

Phrases like “I treat everyone equally” simply mean you refuse to accept the privileges you possess. This, if anything, means you are doing the very least to lead a civil life while enjoying how life handed you a better hand. You refuse to acknowledge how your social standing benefits you, how your race benefits you, how your sexual orientation benefits you, or how your gender benefits you.

It isn’t that you are better than anyone, but that you understand that your life has provided you with certain benefits and blessings, irrelevant of how they happened. Chivalry is an act of social equity where you recognize your privileges and work to help those around you. This is why, even though a gentleman might be well off, he is able to remain humble. You recognize every privilege given to you by life and understand how others are not as fortunate. You understand that something as simple as being able to help others, even if it’s as simple as making their lives a little more comfortable, means you are obligated to do so.

That is why a gentleman holds himself to such high standards. With all your blessings and good fortune, your life must be one of service to others. Be honored that within your belief you carry the traditions and attitude of those who came before you; the Knights, the Samurai, and the Junzi.

Is Chivalry dead? Not as long as Gentlemen live with a Warrior’s hearts.

The Most Impressive Quality In A Man Is…

You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take.

Wayne Gretzky

A few weeks ago, I was part of a rather interesting discussion. The question proposed to the group was pretty simple.

What is the most impressive quality in a man?

I was expecting the usual suspects; confidence, trustworthiness, or passion. And just as I expected, these where thrown around. And the conversation continued as anyone could have predicted following the same typical comments found online all over the place. To be truly honest, I was somewhat disappointed at this time, since nothing of what was discussed challenged our preconceptions. Till one lady within the discussion challenged us all with a flash of inspiration.

She halted the conversation by stating how she didn’t agree with what was stated. She went on to explain her opinion. (Rules of the group: You can’t condemn something without an appropriate counter argument or a better solution) She agreed that trustworthiness is critical, but for everyone, not just men, but she set off to challenge confidence and passion.

She clarified that there are plenty of incredible men who are shy beyond belief and most of the artists she knows suffer from serious bouts of self-doubt. They were willing to show off their work, not as a demonstration of self-confidence, but as a challenge to their self-doubt.

As for passion, she called on those face painted sports fans that run around events shirtless, showing off their dedication to their favorite team. She commented how these men demonstrate what true passion for an ideal is. You could argue that this is misplaced passion, but who are we to judge someone else’s passion and happiness.

So the question was fired back at her, “What IS the most impressive quality in a man?” There was a pause, and I swear you could almost see her smirk as the post came up.

"A man who has his shit together."

There was an instant where I know the rest of the group just thought about this, processed it and digested this. And as we were busy in mental analysis, she went on a beautiful rant.

“I have enough problems in my life to go out and find another one. I don’t mean the guy has to have his life figured out, but a guy who at least has some plan to make his life work, and actually is following through with his plan.” And this made perfect sense.

Way too many men assume that life will solve itself without any real effort. Others expect people to like them for who they are, without really offering much to like. And yet others expect to find someone who will fix their lives for them.

And these last ones are the most dangerous, because there are plenty of women looking for a man to fix, to mother them. These women feel validated in helping out the man till they realize that this man has no intention of actually being fixed. By this time, they have wasted months or years in a relationship that went nowhere.

Gentlemen, life is hard. It will knock you down. And that’s ok, and actually expected to happen. Now, to stay down? That is unacceptable. You need to brush yourself off, keep your dignity, and stand up again. Just because it hasn’t gone great, is no reason to sit on your ass, as if your problems will magically solve themselves by ignoring them. Also, nobody is obligated to accept your problems, solve your problems, or even deal with your problems. Everyone has problems of their own, so expecting them to take on yours as well is pretty selfish on your part.

So, what is the most impressive quality in a man? A man who takes care of himself.

A King On A Budget.

To see a man beaten not by a better opponent but by himself is a tragedy.

Cus D'Amato

As I mentioned in a previous article, not everyone starts well off and not everyone stays well off. Anyone can fall into financial hardship because of any amount of reasons, all of them perfectly valid. What’s not valid is letting that beat you down. And the first tell sign that you are beaten is looking beaten. Truth is that when you stop caring how you see yourself, it’s usually because you stop caring about yourself.

So one of the first things you must consider when picking yourself up is being able to dress yourself up. Yet too often, article after article minimize this effort with the simple advice of “go and buy a proper suit at a proper store.” It’s easy (and pretty arrogant if you ask me) to assume that the only way to look like a million bucks is to spend a million bucks. But way too many men take this advice to heart when they don’t have the means to do so, falling harder into debt, as they will max out their credit cards on clothing they should even try to afford just yet.

Does that mean you should dress ‘poor’ because you are ‘poor’? Not at all, especially when you consider the importance of putting you best foot forward when you are getting up from a downfall. But how do you do this with limited resources? Here are a few tips to look your best without having to break the bank.

Thrift shops are your secret weapon.
This is the first secret I share with anyone who is down on their luck. Thrift shops will have slightly worn, and even new, suits and shoes. Suits are not something that will be worn out, so you are likely to find clothing in excellent conditions for a minimal fraction of the price. Understand that going this path is a treasure hunt. You might end up with nothing worthwhile or you might hit jackpot. 

Fit is critical and a tailor is your friend.
The easiest way to make men’s clothing look better is if it fits better. Buy clothing in your proper size. Learn to hem a pants’ length appropriately or take them to a tailor. As for suits, simply take them to a tailor. Yes, this might seem like a waste of money, to have a suit your size resized for you. A tailor fitted off the rack suit will always look better than an ill fitted expensive suit. Nothing makes a suit look perfect like a perfect fit. 

A suit doesn't have to be a suit.
Unless you are a banker or a high rank executive, you can get away with mixing different pants and jackets. Don’t assume that you have to be suited up to look suited up. When buying clothing, look for things that work well when mixing and matching. Work with solid colors. This will let you repeat the same item in a different combination without looking like you are repeating the same outfit. Buy clothing considering the combinations and options you can get out of them. 

Prioritize the effect, rock the sports coat.
A dress shirt and a tie alone can actually look less classy than a casual shirt and a coat. A coat can turn a t-shirt and jeans into a classy affair. Rock the Coat. 

Minimize the casual effect.
Just as a coat will bring any outfit up, certain things can bring anything back down. Backpacks are for school kids, ski jackets are for skiing, and gym shoes are for the gym. Ironically for the same price of the backpack, the ski jacket, or the gym shoes, you can get a dressier counterpart, so the issue here is not price. 

Clothing are the tools of your trade, treat them accordingly.
If you have to give a presentable image as part of your job, or the job you are trying to get, your clothing is an important tool of your trade. That means you must treat them with care to make them last. When you get home, change into something else. Take off the suit and place it in a proper rack. That includes the pants and dress shirt too! Why risk ruining your clothing with an accidental stain? 

Stop being afraid of the ironing board and the shoe polish.
Nothing makes clothing look cheaper than wrinkles and nothing make clothing look expensive as being ironed. The same can be said with shined shoes. Take the time to iron out your shirts and pants (unless they have to be dry cleaned), and make them look their best. You don’t want to be a slave to the ironing board, consider the comment above and change out of your clothing when you get home.

Work with the seasons, specially the end of the season.
As each season comes to an end, almost everything is placed on clearance. Sure, you might not be able to use it during this season and will have to put it away till next year, but the savings are worth it. These sales actually start during mid season as they need to open up space for the new merchandise.

Just because you are not doing well, do you have to treat yourself badly? Dress up and get out there. Make it happen. When heading out into the world, always dress ready to run into your next business opportunity, the love of your life, or the person who wants to keep you down. Remember that the first step to being respected is looking respectable.