More Than Just Words

The measure of a man's character is what he would do if he knew he never would be found out.

Thomas Babington Macaulay

As of late, there has been a rise in the amount of Men’s Empowerment and Gentlemen Motivational groups and workshops. And this is a wonderful thing as it helps spread out the word that character and morals are important within a man’s life. With our casual access to social media, pages similar to this one help guide men who’ve lost their way back in the right path. They serve as a North Star off which men can cast their own route to becoming better men.  Unfortunately, the same popularity that has brought together men searching for ways to become better men has also attracted plenty of lesser men with ulterior motives.

You would think that a message of “Men of Character” or “True Gentleman” would scare off the daring of plagiarists and hypocrites feeding their vanity through the modern social media currency of likes, shares, and followers.  Personal experience has proven the contrary as I already mentioned once before.  The problem is how as of late, this movement has also started to attract the vultures, those unethical sites and motivators looking to profit by exploiting the weak.

Let me make it perfectly clear, there is nothing wrong with someone charging for sharing their knowledge. There is nothing wrong for profiting from your own efforts. If you work for it, you might as well get paid for it. And that’s OK. We all have bills to pay and mouths to feed. “Monetizing” isn’t a bad word.

My problem is when I find “Gentlemen” Coaches plagiarizing the work of other gentlemen pages and selling it as their own. Even more amazing is the laziness of their actions, as they will take content and graphics straight from the original site and simply crop out the logo. You would think that selling lessons in character and integrity would have rubbed off on the teacher.

And Gentlemen sites aren’t the only ones affected with this practice.

You might have noticed that as soon as you get a cool quote popping up on your social media feed, about 10 minutes later you will see the same quote pasted on about 5 different memes from like minded sites. Again, you would think that sites promoting integrity would be above acts of moral turpitude, or would at the very least understand the concept of “clean hands.”

You see, when your moral integrity is questionable ANY words you state have no value, as you have already been proven to be untrustworthy. Stealing someone’s intellectual property and then sell it forward as your own pretty much invalidates any claim you might have towards words like Character and Integrity.

How To Fake Being A Gentleman

Fake it till you make it.

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I know I have always mentioned the idea that Gentlemanly behavior isn’t something you should fake. Either you try to walk the path or you don’t. Faking it means you are lying about who you are and your intentions are probably not that honorable. You will probably end up being one of those guys who tend to give gentlemen a bad name as you are probably doing it for the wrong reasons. But a post I found online got me thinking that I should reconsider my views.

Buzzfeed posted an article about 15 Tips That Will Trick Your House Guests Into Thinking You Have Your Shit Together. It was basically how to make people think you, well, have “your shit together” based on how you decorate your apartment. At face value, you might think this article is about how to lie to your guests, but when you think about it, it starts teaching you what it means to have your shit together, makes you realize how people react to having your shit together, and sets up the foundation to getting your shit together. Without you realizing it, you’re actually on your way to having your shit together!

Can this strategy be used for other things in life? Of course! The best way to fake knowing about art is to actually start reading up on art. The best way to fake being a musician is to learn about music. The old adage of “fake it till you make it” is truer than most people think. Just make sure that “faking it” is just a step in the path of “making it.” With that in mind, how do you set out to fake being a gentleman?

Look The Part

First off, you have to look the part. I’m not talking about going out and spending a mortgage payment on a suit. I’m taking about putting away those stained sweat pants, ripped jeans, satirical graphic tee, worn out sneakers, trucker cap, etc. You get the picture. Dress to impress, to how you want to be treated, to be taken seriously… Again, you get the picture. Replace your gym sneakers with some leather dress shoes, or at least some casual dress shoes. Find a nice looking watch (nothing say’s grown ass man like a nice looking watch) and wallet. Wear ironed out clothing (nothing says you don’t care about yourself like wrinkled clothing).

Before I forget, GROOMING AND HYGEINE!!! Grooming is basically the same thing as shine is for shoes and ironing is for clothing, it shoes how much you care about yourself. You don’t have to go for the typical clean cut, short hair, clean shaved. What you do need is a general look that you don’t suffer from any mayor aversion to bathing and barber shops. What you do want is well-trimmed hair (if you still have it) and facial hair (if you can grow it), clean nails, and a nice odor. Pick some kind of slight aftershave or perfume, but avoid overdoing it, as assaulting someone’s senses with in bad taste, be it with stench or perfume.

Act The Part

Manners, gentlemen. MANNERS! This isn’t about knowing every single rule within the overly elaborate Gentleman’s code of etiquette. It’s about showing people you can behave with civility and that you care enough about them to treat them with respect.

Sure, some cultures might consider farting, burping, and slurping a complement to the chef. Last time I checked, this wasn’t one of those countries. Acting in public just takes simple common sense, so going into detail here would be a waste of space and word count. Now, gentlemanly details like opening doors for others, standing up when greeting someone, tipping your hat, all of this is also basic knowledge. Just be careful not to overdo it. Fake it enough to make it look natural, who knows. Someday it might become natural.

Speak The Part

Here’s a simple trick that will help you out when you are speaking as a gentleman, the ultimate language cheat, the only trick you will need to know… “Think about what you are going to say before saying it.” Impressive, isn’t it? Take the time to think about what you say and how it will be taken. Oh, here’s another one… “Let the other person speak and make them feel like you are paying attention to their words.” I’m full of wisdom today, right? Oh… and I have one more… “use proper grammar.” Nothing will invalidate whatever you say as improper language use. Gentlemen, it’s not that hard. Take care how you use your words and pay attention to the words of others.

Live The Part

Here’s the challenging part… you have to lead a life as interesting as your Facebook profile. This means you have to lead a life worth leading, or at the very least have plans to lead a live worth leading. Have big plans, live with passion, do more than simply exist. Realize that Carpe Diem can excuse almost any dumb decision as long as it produces a memorable story. (Note to reader… NEVER USE YOLO. Use Carpe Diem. Google the difference.)

In closing I want to make two thing clear. First, if you are faking being a gentleman, you probably have no idea what you are doing and why. When asked or challenged about your behavior, if you don’t understand why you’re doing it, you will probably end up putting your foot in your mouth. For that reason, I would recommend you to not explain it. Say you’re a gentleman because “your mother taught you how to behave and to respect others.” Anyone who sets out to questions what “your mother” taught you is simply looking to condemn your actions, no matter what.

Second and a lot more important still… NONE OF THIS MAKES YOU A GENTLEMAN. You are playing off other people’s prejudice and preconception. You are manipulating them as much as they are being judgmental of you. Sure, start off working the “gentleman gimmick” till you realize that faking it can only carry you so far, and that the real worth of a gentleman isn’t in the suit he wears or the shoes he has or even the ties he owns. A real gentleman is defined by his character and the respect he shows to those around him.

Learning To Do Good Things From Bad People.

I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers.

Khalil Gibran

There is a social side effect of surrounding yourself with the right people; you end up surrounded with the right kind of people. This isn’t always a good thing. I know that comment makes little sense when taken alone, but I promise I’ll explain in a second.

When we start looking to change, to evolve, like-minded people will gravitate towards you. After a while, you will notice how much your world has changed for the better. And often it changes so much that you might forget why this change was necessary, why you started down this path. You might even start taking for granted all you have grown and how much society has grown, as you become comfortable with where you are.

Then you see some idiot shows you just how messed up the world still is.

It might be something that popped up in the news, some post in your social media, or even some comment made by a random person. At this point you will wonder where the hell this person came from since, within YOUR world, this kind of mentality is so uncommon. That’s the problem… within your world.

As you surround yourself with the right people, you tend to forget that the wrong people are still out there. All too often we assume that our work is mostly done simply because we no longer have a front row seat to the disasters that humans so often are. These people and these events come into our lives to keep us from forgetting the good fight. I am not saying that we should be grateful for these kinds of events, but that we should never forget that they still happen, even if they become fewer within our lives.

So, no matter how well you are doing, still go out into the world to do good. There is plenty of good that still needs to be done. Don’t make your world so small that only those who think like you live there, but keep it large enough to still see those you don’t want to see. And never forget why you started down the path.

Talk To Us. The First Of Several Social Skills Surveys.

Asking the right question is more important than knowing the right answer.

Being Caballero

As I mentioned in a previous post, living within any society means that personal interaction is a necessary part of life. Our ability to communicate with each other, to understand other, and to make ourselves understood is vital to living a full life. Some of us however find such interactions challenging or stressful. For some people, navigating within the social nuances becomes as challenging as navigating within a real storm. Their personal mannerisms turn even the most casual interactions into a battle with social norms and individual misunderstandings. In many cases, the characteristics that make a person different from the rest of society or their inability to fully express themselves becomes a source of frustration that lead to feelings of low self-esteem and self-worth. These feelings, so often, manifest in an anti-social attitude or even  into actual violent behavior so common today. 

Previously I had mentioned how we might think we understand a problem, but it’s our own preconceptions that keep us from fully understanding its reality and finding a useful solution. Instead, we assume we understand the problem without really looking at it and end up developing a catch-all solution that only works to make us feel better about how smart we are. The actual results? Those are pretty questionable. 

I want to look at social skills from as many perspectives as possible. Posting up an article or making a workshop based solely on a personal bias or developing a generic solution would be a disservice to all who read our posts. (Not to mention how doing it this way is a pretty arrogant attitude.) So instead of thinking I know what you go through, why not ask? I want to listen to what you have to say and consider how you feel. 

To be able to do this, we are devising a series of surveys based on several aspects on the topic of social skills. We want you to become part of our team; in a way we ask you to become our focus group. These surveys will help us better understand what social challenges our readers go through and how we can best provide advice and service.

The first survey we developed focuses on the general concepts of social skills and its general challenges. Your identity and answers are completely confidential, but will help us develop a better understanding and a clearer image of what others go through. and helping us to produce better content. 

Please, talk to us. We are here to listen. Head over to the first of several surveys and let’s create this path together.

Being Caballero's Survey on Social Skills & Challenges

Never Let The White Knight Die

Since it is so likely that children will meet cruel enemies, let them at least have heard of brave knights and heroic courage.

C.S. Lewis

A couple of days ago, I came across a news article about how a group of boys proved that being an honorable man is not always a matter of age, but one of choice. These three teens, members of the school basketball team, stopped a game to confront someone bulling a member of their cheer-leading squad, a girl with Down syndrome. From there, the story just becomes truly inspiring, a perfect example of becoming a White Knight. Interestingly enough, the school’s mascot IS a Knight.

Stories like these are really not that rare, men standing up to do the right thing, no matter the cost or the risk to themselves. From a 90 year old veteran willing to go to jail for providing meals to the homeless, the store clerk who was fired for stepping in to help a woman who was being attacked, to 3 young men who died in the Colorado Shooting while shielding their girlfriends from the bullets. All of these are inspiring stories about men stepping up and doing what’s right, no matter the risk. They are also sad stories as in many cases these men pay the price of their good actions.

In the old days, the White Knight would step in and do what’s right. (We also hear the term Knight in Shining Armor. This isn’t talking about a Knight whose armor isn’t battle worn. Shining, Silver, Argent, and White were interchangeable terms referring to honor, purity, and virtue, hence Knight in Shining Armour.) They didn’t do it for glory or gain, as both pursuits were viewed as vile desires. As the days of the knights faded, the term was used to describe anyone who champions a righteous cause, a passionate advocate. (In the business world, a white knight is a company that saves a business from being bought out in a hostile takeover.)

Today? The “Internet White Knight” is used as a pejorative term to describe guys who “rushes in to save a damsel in distress expecting some kind of a romantic reward in return.” This meaning was actually assigned by “guy” sites and forums as a way to shame any man for not following the “guy code” of devaluing women. It became a way to shame men into not standing up against others within the group. The modern idea that chivalry is bad came from the same sites that promote debasing women. Let that sink in for a second.

Gentlemen, you have to understand that every time you do what’s right, you are showing the world what has to be done. Your good deed exposes other people’s indifference. And that bothers them. So instead of stepping up, they will try to knock you down because it’s easier. The world isn’t a nice place when indifference, shaming, selfishness can run rampant yet charity and good will are punished. This isn’t something new, as it has always been this way.

That is why a good man HAS to be a Warrior. He has to be willing to walk the path that isn’t easy. Nobody is born a warrior, as nobody is born without fear. Anyone can choose to be one a warrior, as anyone can choose to stand up in spite of their fear. You choose it when you refuse to stay seated. You choose it when you refuse to back down. You choose it when you stand up when knocked down. You choose it because if not you, who?