The Deadliest Place On Earth

Just when I thought I was out... they pull me back in.

Michael Corleone (Al Paccino)

We’ve all dealt with challenges and difficulties. We’ve grown and become better men for it. We start down the path of transforming into better men, proud of what we’ve overcome and who we’ve become. Yet, more often than not, we find ourselves falling into old habits and old attitudes, into the same places that caused us, and those around us, so much damage. So, if we know full well why we moved beyond this mentality once already, why do we return to it again? The answer is rather simple. It’s because that’s our QUERENCIA.

Querencia is that place where you feel safe, were you can lower your guard as you feel at home. It’s were we draw our strength and return to refocus, as it’s were we learned to grow strong. This might sound like a good place, but consider the following.

In a bullfight, querencia is where the bull will naturally go to in the ring. As the fight goes on, he will define a space within the arena as his home turf, returning to it with every pass, as he feels it’s his safe zone. The problem arises when the matador is able to identify the bull’s querencia, turning the bull’s actions into predicable. And at the end, the bull’s downfall happens because the bull always returns to what’s familiar to him instead of trying something new. He’s killed because he fell prey to his own comfort zone.

In life, more often than not, we’re not the bullfighter but rather the bull. We might be strong and imposing, but all too predictable. We charge full tilt into the cape, not realizing that the real danger comes from the one holding the cape. He get blinded by our own experiences, as we assume that any problem can be handled with a head on charge, as we’ve become confident in our own strength and toughness.

Sure, we’ll try something new every once in a while. And we’ll see the positive results from it. The true threat happens when, if we’re not careful, we’ll return to our old habits as we stop trying to fight, as we simple react. We hand over control of our lives to old habit as soon as we stop thinking and fighting. That’s going to get you killed.

So, how do you get past it?

You can start by getting rid of all the enablers you have around you. That couch where you would waste your days, that bar where you would head over every time you felt helpless, that friend who kept you from moving forward, or old relationship you seem to never get past. All those things were never safe harbor but rather an anchor in your life. Learn to break free from their chains.

After you free yourself from the old you, create and evolve a new querencia to go along with your new life. I’m not saying you should forget where you came from, but understand that you are no longer that person. Let go of old habits and reactions. Be aware of them and be able to recognize them when they creep up on you. Repeating old mistakes rarely teach you new lessons.

Learning To Do Good Things From Bad People.

I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers.

Khalil Gibran

There is a social side effect of surrounding yourself with the right people; you end up surrounded with the right kind of people. This isn’t always a good thing. I know that comment makes little sense when taken alone, but I promise I’ll explain in a second.

When we start looking to change, to evolve, like-minded people will gravitate towards you. After a while, you will notice how much your world has changed for the better. And often it changes so much that you might forget why this change was necessary, why you started down this path. You might even start taking for granted all you have grown and how much society has grown, as you become comfortable with where you are.

Then you see some idiot shows you just how messed up the world still is.

It might be something that popped up in the news, some post in your social media, or even some comment made by a random person. At this point you will wonder where the hell this person came from since, within YOUR world, this kind of mentality is so uncommon. That’s the problem… within your world.

As you surround yourself with the right people, you tend to forget that the wrong people are still out there. All too often we assume that our work is mostly done simply because we no longer have a front row seat to the disasters that humans so often are. These people and these events come into our lives to keep us from forgetting the good fight. I am not saying that we should be grateful for these kinds of events, but that we should never forget that they still happen, even if they become fewer within our lives.

So, no matter how well you are doing, still go out into the world to do good. There is plenty of good that still needs to be done. Don’t make your world so small that only those who think like you live there, but keep it large enough to still see those you don’t want to see. And never forget why you started down the path.

A Boxer’s Comfort Zone

I hated every minute of training, but I said, Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.

Muhammad Ali

The internet is full of wonderful thoughts and inspirational meme’s. One that you must have all seen is the idea of letting go and let fate, destiny, the universe, or god sort it out. For those going through tough times or stagnation, it’s a wonderful message of hope… And for anyone in need of hope, it’s a wonderful sentiment. It’s the idea that worrying won’t change a thing and that everyone gets a happy ending at the end. We see this sentiment in every “feel-good” Hollywood movie; as the girl comes running into the hero’s arms when she realizes what a wonderful guy he is or when the hero get the dream job because he randomly bumped into the CEO who was just so impressed by the hero’s “style”, he had to give him a job.

Last time I checked, when you wait for life to solve itself, you are rewarded with even more waiting while nothing happens. If anything, your life will probably get worse as you get deeper into the hole.

The idea behind the thought is that a higher power will look out for you and fix your life. And as beautiful as that sounds, the reality is that it teaches several dangerously wrong lessons. It excuses some people’s slacker attitude, as it’s assume that success will fall on their lap without any real effort other than patience while at the same time minimizes the value of hard work and determination, while making a mockery of the efforts of those trying to get ahead in life. It excuses some people’s abusive behavior, as it’s assume that life will fix them with time if you’re patient enough, while reinforces the idea that the only way to be a good person is to Martyr yourself. It teaches that the secret to success and being a good person is a combination of wishful thinking and a comfortable chair.

So, if that's not the way to do it, what's a better parable to success? Simple, boxers.

Now, don’t think that I am promoting the idea that you have to run off, flailing your arms around, swinging at every opportunity you get in life trying to get that one lucky punch in or that violence is the solution to any problem. That’s not what boxing is about, and chances are you will get beaten up pretty badly and will never understand why.

A Boxing match doesn’t start when the bell rings. It begins the day that a boxer understand that strength has nothing to do with how hard he hits. This understanding begins as soon as the fighter finds the strength that comes from the desire to someday step in the ring combined with the determination to make it happen. You have to understand that desire, determination, and training are the tools used to build the door you want opportunity to knock on. Destiny is more about hard work than it’s about luck.

When you start bringing into your corner the right people, you come to realize just how important those around you are to your success. You also come to realize just how much the wrong people have hurt your development. Funny thing about the wrong people, you can’t blame them for holding you back because it was your choice to stay with them and it's your choice to walk away from them.

In the ring, knocking someone out isn’t the only way to win, so running in hoping for that one lucky shot is actually setting yourself up to lose. That’s why to those unfamiliar with boxing, the first few rounds might look like the fighters are slacking or even dancing around. In reality it’s about measuring up and studying your opponent. When a fight might take 12 rounds, it’s best to know and understand what you’re up against. You learn pretty fast the importance of those breaks between rounds. It’s then than you can collect your thoughts and receiving advice. It’s only between rounds that you can understand what you’ve done, what works, and what you need to change.

You see, boxing isn’t about who hits the hardest, but who’s about to deal with the punishment dished out their way. Boxing has less to do with hitting than it does with keeping your guard up, bob and weaving out of the way of a punch, and position yourself in the right place at the right time. It’s about how you handle what life dishes out. Fighting smart is about matching that opportunity with timing. He also knows that you have to create opportunities and that timing is fleeting.

So instead of wishful thinking, of assuming you will be handed a prize just for sitting on your ass, realize you are an active participant of your future. Train and fight for the life you want, because that’s the only way you will get it. Get out of your comfort zone. The real comfort zone in life is the comfort of knowing you don’t have to put up with the way your life is.