Confronting My Own Bias

Right actions in the future are the best apologies for bad actions in the past.

Tryon Edwards

As someone who constantly writes about men owning up to their own preconceptions and bias, I felt it rather appropriate to own up to one of my own; one that was blown clear out of the water a few months ago and didn’t realize it till recently. So, instead of trying to justify my own bias, it’s time to stop making excuses and offer an open apology to every fitness buff, gym rat, health nut, and nutritionist out there.

You guys know what you’re talking about.

Keep in mind that I’ve never been a full blown couch potatoes.

Let me start by admitting where my own bias was born. I was never part of the jock clique, as I found my passion and inspiration in the artistic and intellectual endeavors as a kid. Sports? I was never really into them. That doesn’t mean I was out of shape, as I practiced martial arts for most of my life, did some track back in high school, and was an avid BMX/Freestyler for the longest time when I was a kid. But the social faction mindset of school led me to embrace the dumb jock bias from my youth without realizing it.

Sure, I (sort of) worked out and tried to eat (sort of) healthy but, if I’m completely honest, it was never really a priority (to the dismay of every doctor I went to). Life? Way too complicated to take the time to worry about eating right all the time and to worry about taking care of myself. If anything, my lack of health was my testimony and proof to my dedication to what really mattered within my life. An hour in the gym was an hour I wasn’t hustling for a project or an hour I wasn’t doing something for the family.

How easy do we end up telling ourselves that taking care of your body is selfish? Or even vain? Right?

So, when last Movember rolled around, I started to participate in their Move campaign. With one simple exception this time… As I’ve written about men’s health and the importance of taking care of yourself, this time I took it a bit more serious. So I started to look into doing it right.

First step? I sat down with Ms. B  who, besides being our resident copyright enforcer, is a long time nutrition and workout enthusiast. She could point me in the right direction, offering me an extensive selection of tools and advice. And then something amazing started to happen. I actually followed through on her recommendations. I started researching on every fitness site, sat down with a nutritionist and a fitness coach. And the more I learned and the more I discussed strategies and plans with them, the more I realized that those “dumb jocks” weren’t dumb at all. If anything, they are made to feel dumb by society stereotyping them.

You’re average gym rat often has an amazing understanding of nutrition, body mechanics, and general health. And it made perfect sense (when I took of my own blinders). If the serious surfer has an excellent understanding of meteorology and oceanography, why wouldn’t the serious fitness enthusiast have an excellent understanding of everything involving making your body better?

It’s funny. We have no problem believing a doctor when they give you a prescription for 20 different pills, but should they tell you to take care of your body, work out, or eat healthier to avoid taking medication, we want a second opinion and pretty much insult the doctor’s intelligence. Long story short…I started doing things the right way, instead of “my” way. And, to quote every single click bait article online, “you’ll never guess what happened next!” It worked.

There is a down side to this realization though. I had own up to every excuse, to every time I bullshitted myself, to every dismissive comment and attitude I might have had. I stopped making up “logical” justifications as to why they could do it and I couldn’t, most of which involved putting them down and making me look good. I’ve realized I’ve been somewhat of an asshole dismissing their advice all this time. Today? I’m all out of excuses. Because the best testimony of self sacrifice I can have towards myself and those around me is to be healthy enough to last a long time and fit enough to make it worthwhile.

The Rise Of Strong Women, Fall Of Soft Men, And Return Of Gentlemen

In soft regions are born soft men.

Herodotus

A few days ago, a video popped up within my media feed, an editorial closing, posing a question that keeps popping up, especially from the lips of women; “Have men become too soft?”

The presenter mentioned several causes for the rise of these “soft” men. Was it the wussification of men, as so many want to allege? Maybe everything would be solved if we could just get men to toughen up. Was it the demonization of masculinity so badly that being a man is now shameful? Maybe everything would be solved if men would start being proud of being manly. I don’t think either attitude will solve the issue.

At the end, she did mention what could be the key cause and actual solution to the problem. “Teach your sons to be men, because the women of the world are tired of the boys.” The problem was that for the longest time, society was in such a hurry to make men out of boys, that we never taught boys how to be men.

Consider that for the last couple of decades, men were told that their value as men rested on being better than other men. It rested on having financial stability through a good job; proven to the world through an expensive car and a nice house. It rested on how many women they can sleep. It rested in being able to get a beautiful wife when they finally decided to settled down. Then, it’s rested on having a family they can show off. Just consider at how we portray politicians and successful men. They stand proudly as their wife and kids become decoration around them, as proof of their stability. In the backdrop, we see either their homes or cars as prove of their wealth. The entirety of this kind of manhood rested on such a fragile foundation made up of external factors that even the most simplest of things caused their world to tumble down. This lead too many men into feel a sense of obsoleteness as soon as life threw them a curve ball.

If someone faster or stronger than him shows up, he’s no longer a man. If he became unemployed and loses his financial stability, he he’s no longer a man. If he gets shot down by a woman, he’s no longer a man. If his kids didn’t measure up to his expectations, he’s no longer a man. When you think about it, under this mentality, those things that “make him a man,” are also the biggest threat to his ideal of manhood. Unemployment, failure, divorce, “disappointing kids,” or simply being told “no” by a woman become a direct assault on their masculinity.

As a response to this attitude, we demonized manhood, or at least what was sold to us as manhood for the last few decades. Society went off chanting the damage these expectations placed on men, as we blamed everything on toxic masculinity. We did our best to swing the pendulum of manhood as far away as possible from the old traditions.  And as the pendulum started to sway away from this previous mindset, we began to praise any man who did things previously considered manly, followed up by shaming any man who expressed interest in any form of traditional masculinity. It was as if to avoid being a slave to masculinity, we now became slaves to “anti-masculinity.” Social media became flooded with men screaming “look at how sensitive I am” as if it proved to the world how they broke free from the bonds of manhood. At the same time, chivalry, and any other idea traditionally tied to masculinity, was shamed as sexist, at best, or toxic, at worse.

And then, slowly but surely, it happened.

We realized that we almost killed off what made men valuable within society and what made men of value. If before we taught men to be ethically infant brutes, now we created ethically infant milksops. We told men that the old traditions of honor and chivalry were harmful, and then wonder why men today feel like they have no purpose. We ridiculed the importance of honor, and wonder why we have men without loyalty. We demonized strength and wonder why men today have no valor. We, pretty much, castrated men as we told them how masculinity was bad, and then wonder where all the “real men” are.

In our haste to make men out of boys, we failed them twice. The first time, we failed them by creating brutes without humility, as we forgot to teach them character every time we taught them the value of strength. Then, in our attempt to fix it, we created sensitive men who were little more than useless as soon they faced a challenge. We forgot to teach them the value of determination and valor when we taught them about compassion. As some men grew disenchanted with society constantly telling them what it means to be a man, we’re now having to deal with a third group; men who are brutes in times of peace yet cowards in times of conflict, the worst of both worlds.

But fortunately, all is not lost.

Just as there has been a rise in true Strong Independent Women, men have been developing our own counterpart. We are witnessing a rise in men who’ve taken it upon themselves to bring back the old lessons personal character, to teach themselves how to be better men. These men realized that the problem wasn’t masculinity but rather everything that was edited out of masculinity. The solution didn’t lie in dismissing the lessons learned from the past, but rather taking the best lessons from the past while embracing the world of the present. Instead of ending up with the worst of both worlds, we began to strive for the best of both worlds.

In this process, men have begun to realize what manhood truly meant. It’s not about proving you’re better than other men, but about striving to be better than the man you were before. It’s about being able to stand before a challenge and push yourself. It’s not about making money, but about making a difference. It’s not about having a job, but about having the work ethic to get things done. It’s not about owning a house or having a wife and family. It’s about making a home, being a good husband and an involved dad.

Men have realized that it’s you should never become either a brute or a meek man exclusively. Instead, we are now seeing men who used to be brutes, yet strive to find their compassion and humility. We see men who used to be meek developing their determination and being empowered by the strength that comes from valor. It’s about growing stronger AND softer, and yet never compromising either. These men have taught themselves these lessons, and more importantly, are teaching these lessons to the next generation of men. And for the first time in a long time, we are seeing a rebirth of mentorship, as society is finally waking up to the importance of men becoming proper role models for boys, as they teach through example.

For now, we are few, but every day we are more. We are the modern Lancelots and Galahads, the new errant knights, who realized that we could be more than what society sold to us as manhood. We are the new philosophers, poets, and the warriors, as we try to bring back honor by reforging masculinity. We are the new Gentlemen of the Modern World.

And to the ladies having a hard time finding us, the worthwhile men … If it’s any consolation, men are having just a hard time trying to find the worthwhile ladies as well. Quality isn’t that common.

Stop Fixing Your Weaknesses

Some time ago I read a story Alejandro Jodorowsky that I wanted to share with you. I haven’t found the original again nor do I remember the title, so the best I can do is retell it to the best of my ability.

A father met with his son’s school teacher after the boy brought home his grades. The child had gotten good marks in art class yet wasn’t doing that great in math. The teacher looks at the worried parent and asked what he intended to do about the situation.

“I plan to find him a math tutor as soon as possible; making him do extra work till he gets great at math.”

The professor looked at the parent stunned.

“Instead, why don’t you find him an art tutor for art and develop the talent your son obviously has! We all have talents, but we shouldn’t be forced to all have the same talents.”

We have no problem understanding that we are all different, that we all have some things we’re each good at and some things we’re bad at. The funny thing is that we focus more on fixing “what’s wrong” rather than working on “what’s right.” We’re sold on the idea that there’s only one way to become successful in life, one single little formula that has been proven true. Then, as with that peg that just won’t fit, we try to hammer ourselves into that mold, only to left wondering why we’re neither successful nor happy.

Instead on trying to “fix” what we’re not so great at, why not focus on what we’re actually good at. Instead of pointing at other peoples flaws as reasons why they won’t succeed, why not point at all their abilities as reasons why they will succeed. Maybe then, people will stop seeing their failures and start seeing their potential.

Be Coffee My Friend

The same boiling water than softens the potato hardens the egg. It’s about what you’re made of, not the circumstances.

Unknown

It’s very probable that this meme has come across your social media feed. The general idea is that difficult events in your life don’t define you, but rather the notion that you are defined by what you’re made of. And it’s quite inspirational, the notion of “you define you.” Except that’s not what the meme says.

Take a moment and think about it. On one end, the resilient person, one able to stand up to life’s challenges, when faced with pain and adversity, will end up mashable as they lose their strength to face off against any other challenge, as they are no longer as resistant and tough as it previously was. On the other side, the fragile person with the malleable heart and flowing spirit, when confronted by pain and adversity, will become hard boiled, no longer able to show emotions or affection. The shell might look the same, but inside they now carry a stiff spirit and a hardened heart.

In both cases, adversity changed the person into the diametrical opposite of who they were. And when you consider it, that change might not always be into something better.

Not that inspiring now, right?

But what if you had another option, one where you understand that you will face adversity and prepare accordingly. What if you take the seed you were and grind off all the weaknesses, cast yourself against the fires and heat till you burn off the impurities. What if, instead of you being changed into something different by adversity, it’s you who changes adversity into something different? What if you defined yourself, prepared yourself, to turn what many would consider adversity into something that awakens and inspires others.

What if, instead of being an egg or a potato, you became coffee? Instead of being changed by adversity, it’s the coffee seed that turns adversity into something more, something better.  Now, something as simple, yet hostile, as boiling water, is now filled with flavor and aroma.

Be like coffee. When things are at their worse, bring up your game. If anything, adversity will brings out the best in you as you know how to change the situation around yourself. You don’t fear the darkness, as you know that the best coffee is as dark as night and you don’t fear the heat as you know it only serves to unleash your potential. You don’t fear being pressed by life as this is how you work your magic, and you don’t fear life’s greatest trials as you know those are the times when you awaken the souls of those around you.

Be coffee my friend.

On Manly things

To me the definition of true masculinity - and femininity, too - is being able to lay in your own skin comfortably.

Vincent D'Onofrio

Yesterday I explained how this is a wonderful time to be a man thanks to the ranting havoc created by two groups; those who view masculinity as a problem to modern society and those who view modern society as a problem to masculinity. My original intent in the post was to offer examples of what I meant, but it was already a pretty long entry already. For that reason I feel that we need to do a part deux, one more focused on the practical exposition of how modern masculinity has evolved within our society and how it has exposed the ridiculous attitude of both groups.

There is this retrograde notion that masculinity will either keep you from doing certain actions or that certain actions will hurt your masculinity. In reality, you can do anything you want and still be true to your masculinity. We don’t tell our daughters that taking on challenges traditionally viewed as “manly” will make them lesbians, why the hell do we assume that having our sons take on the challenges traditionally viewed as “womanly” will make them gay? More interesting still is, why do we assume that “gay” is a bad thing or will hurt their masculinity? But more on that last statement later on.

Good Dads aren't born, they're raised.

We need to start breaking these preconceived mentalities and teach our boys about manliness since their childhood. How do we start? Letting them play with dolls or play house if they want to! “But won’t that will make them grow up funny?” Take a second and consider why girls were given baby dolls or given miniature kitchen sets. Those where teaching tools to prepare them to be mothers and home makers. So the worst thing that might happen if a boy plays with baby dolls is … he will learn to be comfortable with take care of a baby and a home. At what point was being a good father and a self-sufficient home owner unmanly?

And speaking about homes, we need to get rid of the notion that the kitchen is the exclusive domain of women. Cooking is about creating, crafting, and forging a meal out of individual elements. Our kitchen becomes our laboratory as we transform simple seeds, grains, and crystallized chemicals into Cupcakes. Cooking is the perfect example of man’s triumph over nature! And if you ever thing about arguing that point, just think of Gordon Ramsay.

Man being Unmanly?

As we speak about our domination over nature, what about our domination over ourselves. That’s what dance is for! Although women might not believe it, men have been traditionally told to be self-conscious about our own bodies, or at least how they can use them. Dance is about learning control over your own limbs, about finding pleasure with what you were given from birth, about letting go while being in control all at the same time. Furthermore, when we look at partner dancing, it’s about knowing how to lead respectfully and caringly, all while making your partner feel safe. Still not finding the wussification in dancing.

Sure, dominating the body is easy, but what about the soul and being in touch with your emotions? “Won’t art, acting, and writing make you lose your masculinity?” If it does, nobody told Hemingway, Paton, Tupac, or Hugh Jackman. I think I covered this to a greater extend here.

Gareth Thomas
Because nothing says
effeminate gay man like Rugby.

“But what about all those effeminate men doing all those womanly things? That’s proof that these things make guys gay.” Let me start with the simple reality, a man’s sexual orientation has nothing to do with his masculinity. We need to step past the media promoted trope of the “flaming queen” or the idea that any gay man being masculine is trying to “act straight.”  Being gay or bi doesn’t make a man any less of a man. If anything, the fact that these gentlemen have been willing to live life in their own terms shows more balls than most of us straight men have.

I’m not saying that men need to be masculine by the simple definition of being a man. What I’m saying is that men can be masculine by choice, and nobody has the right to tell them otherwise. Only when you learn to be comfortable with yourself and your masculinity can you be proud of being a man. 

I Want To See My Child Fall

Every man has the right to risk his own life in order to save it.

Jean Jacques Rousseau

I’ll be the first to admit, I wasn’t an easy kid to deal with. I still remember the trouble I got in when I got home after my first school fight. My mother was furious. Her disappointed glare will forever be etched in my memory as she repeated over and over phrases like “Violence is never the answer” or “I raised you better than that,” and “Wait till your father comes home.” She didn’t take into account the fact that this was an older kid who constantly bullied me and my friends or the fact that I had already told a teacher about it. Keep in mind this was a long time ago, long before the whole anti-bully school programs and long before the “everyone’s a winner” mentality that is so common now days. Back then, “boys will be boys” was the norm for issues like these. That fateful day, the kid picked on the smallest one of my friends and I just reacted. All my mother could see was the black eye, the swollen lip, the ripped shirt, and my tainted school record.

As I waited in my room, grounded for life, I ran all the possible scenarios in my head of what would happen when my father got home. Just so you know, waiting for a punishment is a lot more torturous than the actual punishment. My father walked in, curiously calm compared to my mother. He just looked at me and asked a simple question. “Who threw the last punch?” The last punch? I was expecting to be asked who started the fight, not who ended it. Fearfully I admitted it was me. He looked at me and smiled proudly and left.

“What the hell?”

I had not realized it then, but the day of that fight I learned one very important lesson. I had the power to stand up for myself and for those around me. Sure, it meant I got hit hard several times and was grounded, but I realized that not standing up for myself because I was afraid of getting hurt means you are already hurting yourself. Backing down out of fear no longer became an option in my life.

Some of the best lessons my father taught me were actually the ones where he let me get over my head and get hurt. He saw me get climb the tree from which I fell and needed stitches. He saw me make that jump on my bike from which I fell and broke my arm. He saw me go out with a girl for which I fell in love and ended up with a broken heart.

He also saw me stand up afterwards, dust myself off and try again later; sometimes by my own volition and other times thanks to his “motivation” pep talks. (read as him asking if I was “done feeling sorry for yourself?”)

Back then, I just thought my father would let me get away with almost anything. Now that I am older and a father myself, I look back and realize it wasn’t that simple. He always looked out for me without me knowing. He would “make” me compete without my noticing, thinking it was my own idea. From those contests I not only learned that wining was awesome, but I also learned the humility that comes of defeat and the importance of trying again after said defeat. He gave me enough space let me get into trouble, knowing that the only way to grow old and wise is if you are first young and stupid first. He would make me “pay-up” for whatever “stupidity” I did (and there was plenty of that in my youth), never bailing me out. You learn accountability really quickly that way.

I never knew back then all the magic he worked behind his calm façade. As a father myself, I can only now relate to the self-control needed to keep yourself from going to your kid’s rescue, giving them an easy way out. Every time you do that, the person learns there is no responsibility for their actions and someone else will always be there to solve their problems. As a husband, I can only imagine the countless arguments he must have endured dealing with my mother’s overprotective nature, as he fought to keep me from being mollycoddled into an entitled spoiled brat.

I learned more from falling and failing and getting hurt than I did from any of my successes, as I was given the opportunity to learn that failure wasn’t fatal but not learning from it was. They also taught me that a life of not doing anything for fear of getting hurt or losing isn’t really a life. It’s merely an empty existence of underachievement as you lack the 'cojones' to get your act together. Life will constantly challenge you, and you are meant to meet them head on with your head held high and your chest out. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose and sometimes you get hurt in the process of both. That’s life and if I want my kid to be strong enough to meet these challenges, I need to be strong enough to let him fall.