Be Wary of Sheep in Wolf's Clothing

In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep, one must above all be a sheep oneself.

Albert Einstein

We've all heard the old adage, "Be wary of sheep in wolf's clothing." If for some reason you haven't, it's a biblical warning about people hiding their true nature. "Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves." (Matthew 7:15) It's used to describe those playing a role contrary to their real character, one who hides how dangerous they truly are and how they work off other people’s trusting nature, leading them to a certain demise. Today our challenge seems to be quite the opposite, as we praise the wolf and disdain the sheep.

We, in our ego driven need to stand out, try our best to not become sheep. Society tells us that, in order to be successful, we need to become wolves, so we are fed motivational meme after meme relating to the badassery of the noble wolves and wolf packs. Maybe this has been an indirect result of "gritty is cool" or "idealism is for kids," yet the direct result is how people are flocking to become pseudo-rebels who "challenge the establishment." These men and women model themselves to fit the expectations of the crowd as they regurgitate what that same crowd fed them in the first place. We used to see it in people taking actions simply for the amusement and validation of their friends. Today, with social media, it has become increasingly worse. They work off "like" and "share" of complete strangers, where their followers tell the "wolf" what to say and do, as they become little more than another sheep in a flock.

How often, in your attempt to be your own person, are you simply following the crowd? How often are you playing the bad boy just for the approval of others? Is their approval more important than the people you're hurting, so often simply to prove how badass you are? Harder to recognize still, but just as dangerous to yourself, how often you take a contrary stance to the crowd just to play the rebel? Isn't the crowd still telling you what to do? Are you viewing the crowd's reactions of approval or disapproval as a validation of your actions, instead of using the actual repercussions as a true measure?

In your attempt to prove how secure you are, have you become that insecure?

That's why social media is sometimes a dangerous place. Anyone can present themselves as a leader, an influencer, as everyone tries to market themselves as the protagonist of their own novel. In reality they're just rehashing the same thing everyone else is doing. If they don't keep their egos in check, or at least are honest enough with themselves to understand why they're doing something, they'll easily fall prey to the comfort of the approval of the masses as the final goal becomes being "liked" by “friends.”

Consider that person you follow and respect. Are you following them because they have something to contribute to your lives or are you following them simply because they validate your own prejudice? Gravitate to those who can make you grow and open your eyes. Do so, not to follow them, but rather to learn from them, as you become your own person. And above all, be careful that in your desperate need to become a wolf, you don't become a sheep.

It’s Good to Be Bad

The lion doesn’t turn around when the small dog barks.

African Proverb

If you’re like me (and if you follow this blog, you probably are), your social media feed keeps getting populated by “Gentleman” articles and memes about how men can be better men. Most of these tend to focus on the honorable development of your Chivalry, as we strive to become the hero of our own saga. In a similar manner, many people view the prototypical gentlemen as being too soft or nice or even delicate to deal with today’s chaotically aggressive society. So, if being a Gentleman is so conducive to being the “good guy” or a KISA (Knight in Shining Armor), why is it that every time Hollywood needs a memorable bad guy, they give us a Gentleman Villain?

When a movie starts, we see just how bad-ass our hero is in that initial sequence, as he spends the first 10 minutes of the film having to prove himself to us as an audience. The villain? He just has to step into frame in his perfectly tailored suit, impeccable eloquence, and overwhelming presence and we buy it, no questions asked. Is it because of their calm superiority? Because they are effortlessly imposing? Their arrogance? Their style? It’s all that and more.

Take a moment and think of the most memorable villains we’ve been served, the ones that become more popular than the hero themselves. From Hans Gruber in the original Die Hard to James Moriarty in the Sherlock Holmes series to John Milton in Devil’s Advocate (in truth any role taken by Al Pacino), we end up more invested in the villain than we do in the hero. If you don’t believe me, just consider how out of the two hours of Silence Of The Lambs, Hannibal Lecter only appears for 16 minutes, and yet that’s all he needed to leave a lasting impression in our social psyche as one of the most memorable villains of all times. It only takes a few cords of the imperial march, to make us gasp in expectation, waiting for Lord Vader to walk into the scene. 

Movies (books, theater, and even video games for that matter) tend to make heroes relatable, so the audience can live vicariously through them. This means that our protagonist will be as generic (read as “bland”) as possible. It’s only through his development that he becomes more, as he is expected to learn and grow through some kind of musical montage. To counter his blandness, writers need to create a colorful antagonist that we can all relate to hating. He must be the guy we envy in our own lives because he dresses better, drives a better car, has the better job, and is more successful than us. They create someone who makes us feel inferior as they’re playing off our insecurities.

Except some of us look at that guy and want to become him! The women in the audience find themselves wondering why the leading lady’s putting up with our hero’s bullshit self-righteousness instead of running into our villain’s hedonistic arms. I mean, the villain is someone who’s driven and committed to achieve success, real a go-getter. His wealth, social standing, and attitude are a testaments to his success. On the other hand, the hero simply waits around to react to the bad guy’s actions. The villain’s passionate about his ambitions and desires as he’s willing to do what most people won’t even consider. His attention to detail, bespoke suit, and razor-sharp wit only serves to show off the lack luster of the hero we’re expected to root for.

Note: I want to clarify that this isn’t limited to the Gentleman Villain, as the Lady Villainess is just as imposing. Just look at Miranda Priestly (Meryl Streep) in the Devil Wears Prada, Maleficent in Sleeping Beauty or the movie bearing her name, or even Selina Kyle (Catwoman) in the Batman Series. Nothing says “desire me all you want, but don’t even think I won’t kill you if you get in my way” like a well developed “Bitch Face.”

While the hero spends most of the time trying to prove himself, overcome his own flaws and insecurities, while the movie plays off his weaknesses for the audience’s sympathy, the villain doesn’t need our validation or sympathy. They just are, letting US bask in THEIR awesomeness. Playing the victim card? That’s left for heroes and victims to use. They don’t play to the crowd. If anything, they should inspire us to achieve greatness for nothing more than greatness sake. 

They’re powerful and imposing without the need to prove it or remind us. They embrace their passions without the moralist qualms reinforced by hypocritical social standards. If they display restraint, it’s to let us know about their iron will and self-discipline; only unleashing their fury when needed and then only to deal with the incompetence of others. Even John “Jigsaw” Kramer, from the Saw series, keeps a constant and even level tone to his voice. It’s this villain’s calmness that works off our own fear. They are the epitome of the adage “Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.” 

Note that the true Gentleman Villain isn’t an abuser or falls for pettiness, as they see these things below their notice. They don’t need to make anyone feel inferior or show off their greatness or even remind anyone of who they are, as that again would be playing to the crowd and needing validation. Sure, they’ll blow up a shelter full of orphaned kittens, but they’ll do it simply because it was in their way. Raul Juliá best exemplifies this mentality in Street Fighter. (Before you judge me for bringing this piece of cinematic crap up, I know this is a good awful movie, but Juliá chews through every scene he’s allowed to cut loose in.)

"For you, the day Bison graced your village was the most important day of your life. But for me, it was Tuesday."  

The fact that these gentlemen are so determined, so imposing, and so unapologetic makes them “Evil,” or at least that’s what their creator wants us to think. It’s later on, as the writers realize just how popular the villain has become, do they feel the need to “flaw” him so either, we can believe that the hero has at least a chance to defeat them or they can become hero’s themselves in the sequel. Suddenly Vader takes off his mask and stops being James Earl Jones or the Six Fingered man just flee cowardly, as the writers dismantle the well-developed villain in only two seconds worth of bad filmmaking. Why the hell do they think this is a good thing, I don’t know. Personally, I view it as a cheat to try and keep the hero more popular. Besides, we’re expected to root for the hero simply because he’s the hero. We ignore the fact that his only motivation is probably revenge (yet nobody’s motivated to get revenge on the hero for all the faceless minions he kills) or simply because it’s his job (get’s paid to stop the villain). Sure, the villain’s the bad guy of the story, but as long as Red Riding Hood’s telling the story, the Wolf will always be the bad guy. We aren’t shown all the work that went into creating his evil empire, all the personal sacrifices and dedication that went into becoming the powerful men they are.

Let’s make it clear. I’m in no way promoting the idea that Villainy should be viewed as a proper career choice, nor are we romanticizing the extremes that villains go to or the people they hurt. We still need heroes. We still have to understand that blowing up innocent kittens and puppies should always be frowned upon because… they are puppies and kittens, you sick bastard! Because that’s where the villain fails us. They cross the line where their personal passion ignores the people they hurt in the process. That’s the only thing that makes them into villains worth stopping.

We need the KISA to prove to society that men are honorable creatures despite all the bad press we get. But don’t you think it’s time to stop having to prove yourself for other people’s validations or even permission? In a society where you have to start most expositions with trigger word warnings or begging people not to take everything personal, seeing someone being proud of who they are or openly enjoying what they’ve achieved through hard work and dedication (all those sports cars and Italian suits aren’t cheap and building an evil empire isn’t easy) is almost a breath of fresh air. When you get to a point where you no longer have to impress others, that’s when you become free.

Isn’t it time to stop asking for permission to strive for greatness? Isn’t it time to enjoy being the man you are, the unapologetic Gentleman you’ve become? Isn’t it time to prove you've gone past your own insecurities as you no longer walk on eggshells, or feel like a victim, or even have to play to the crowd? Isn’t it time to discipline yourself into the man you’re destined to be?

The world isn’t going to conquer itself.

Not Dead Yet

Originality consists in returning to the origin.

Antoni Gaudi

After what feels like an overly extended absence, we're back! We're still not in full capacity, but we're back none the less.

I want to thank everyone who's kept up with us for the last month even though I was unable to update the blog. To my surprise, the group kept growing within all our interconnected expressions over social media and we kept receiving messages and requests. This made my inability to update the site even more frustrating. To those who sent us messages, my apologies for not being able to get back to you and to all those that joined up during my absence, welcome to the Gentlemen Movement.

As many of you noticed, I had to take a "voluntary" hiatus from Being Caballero. That is the reason why I haven't replied to posts and messages sent to us, but this has actually led to several rumors to start floating around. Just to put to rest any worries and assumptions; I'm not dead, haven't been sent to jail, haven't been involved in a divorce or a custody dispute, haven't been sent out in any confidential assignment, nor been kidnapped by any anti-chivalry extremist groups.

My absence was the result of several things happening at once. First, my main home computer became comatose. I was able to keep updating in a limited capability from Ms. B.’s computer till I began my relocation process. I started up in a new employment opportunity in a new city and had to deal with limited computer and internet access and even more limited time for the affairs that truly matter when you have to move away from the family. So the few times I could hook up to a computer, I would spend it either doing video conferencing with them or dealing with the typical issues of any move. With that being said, Caballero will no longer be based on DC, as we are now be stationed in the South Jersey Coast. I decided to take to heart the concept of creating a life you don't need a vacation from. The sea will always call out to those #IslandBorn.

I have taken this time to reevaluate and meditate on several aspects of life, family, work, society, social media, and myself.  Nothing helps you to take those steps as being alone and incommunicated from others. Hopefully we will be going back to our usual posting schedule in the next few weeks, as the waters reach their appropriate levels and the chaos of the move is finally over.

Again, I want to thank those that stayed and welcome those that joined our mission while I was away.

Being Caballero

Additional Good

Good actions give strength to ourselves and inspire good actions in others.

Plato

We’ve all been there. We wake up with the best intentions and attitude possible. As we head off, our heart and mind are set to make this a good day. And as we head out, it just take one thing to change this all around. What could possibly happen that turned your entire attitude from positive to negative?

Assholes happen.

This is pretty common. We all know just how contagious negativity is. It just takes one person being a jerk to you to turn your entire mindset, turning you into a jerk in the process. Now, instead of the world having to deal with one asshole, it has to deal with two. And as you move on, you end up sucking another person’s positivity, creating yet another asshole, and that one creates another, and so forth.

But did you know that it also works the other way around?

Your day’s not going do great, and then someone simply smiles in your direction. They paid for your morning coffee, to your surprise, or they helped you carry your bags up some stairs, or opened a door, or something as simple as said “Good morning” and hoped that you have a good day. Your entire outlook of the day changed. So as you head out, you do the same, changing another person’s mood for the day. And they do the same forward, and so forth.

We have all heard the phrase “pay it forward” but that involves you paying forward what you’ve received. Why not simply have that positive attitude and take those positive actions without the need of receiving it first? You might not think that something as simple as saying “have a nice day” as you step out of an elevator means much, but it means more than enough to someone who needs it without knowing.

All it takes is one person to stand up, to take action. Others will follow. And as soon as you have a small group, inspired by a single act, the entire crowd will join in. You don’t believe me? Here’s a simple example below.

It just took one man to take action. The next one joined in to help. Then another. Next thing you know, the entire crowd in the place joined in to help. Do you think the crowd would have helped if it wasn’t for that first person? They would have probably stood there, holding their cellphones, recording the entire situation, waiting for the authorities to do something.

If you ever doubted that a single man could change the world, consider how the actions of a single man can inspire another man to act. And now those two men’s actions can inspire others. Suddenly, the acts of one man became the inspiration and lead for an entire movement. Just make sure that those actions are to make good men, not more assholes. We have plenty of those already.

A Tailored Life

The only man I know who behaves sensibly is my tailor; he takes my measurements anew each time he sees me. The rest go on with their old measurements and expect me to fit them.

George Bernard Shaw

Not everyone takes the time or spends the money to have their clothing tailor fitted. They assume that something off the rack, when bought in the proper size, should fit them well enough. And that’s where our most common life problem rears its ugly head, as we assume that “well enough” is good enough to make it work.

There are about 2.25 billion adult men in the world, yet we assume that they can be broken down into about 4 different body sizes. We think that, just because it’s our “size,” it will fit just like the catalog picture. And when it doesn’t, we blame the magazine for false advertisement. What if the problem isn’t that the magazine lied, but rather the magazine took the time to fit it properly to the model in the image? Most catalog clothing is actually tailored to the specific model so it fits perfectly as anyone in the marketing world knows “well enough” doesn’t really cut it.

The same thing does on for everything within this life. We read an article about how to better your life or take some advice on how to become a better man, expecting to receive the promised results. When these outcomes don’t pan out as expected, we dismiss the entirety of the information as useless. We assume that information is created as a black and white guideline format, where one size fits all, and the end results will work “well enough” for us.

“Well enough” is never good enough to make a difference in our lives.

Not everyone will get the same results from the same instructions. The first thing you need to do is understand who you are at that moment within your life. Unless you recognize who you are and know what you want, you are going to be left stranded trying to figure out why you can’t seem to become a better person. Without that knowledge, you will simply assume you are broken beyond repair and left confused as to why things work out for someone else, yet won’t for you.

After you have taken your current “measurements”, now you have to learn to listen to the advice given. We have to listen to others, but we must tailor their lessons to fit who we are. To do that, we must understand how we must tailor these lessons to fit us, and not the other way around. You have to learn to listen, to learn what to absorb, what to adjust, and what to ignore. Their lessons only work for us if we can first understand why the lesson worked for them and we can understand how to make those lessons work of us.

You need to stop trying to fit yourself into the “better man” suit created by someone else. Instead, focus on growing into a better person, one defined by you, as you work with what works for you. Take that “better man” suit and tailor it to who you are. Learn to sift through all the comments, to deconstruct every article, and search for those tidbits that give value to you.

By this time you need to realize how you can’t pick and choose what’s convenient, but rather what’s necessary. When you are honest about whom you are you can be honest about what you need. You stop living a life of convenient comfort, but strive to become better every day. You become your own tailor, as you use the lessons of others to your personalized benefit. Create the idealized “better man” suit that fits you. Now you can stop trying to fit in the ideals of others, but instead work to fit into your ideal you.

Stop NOT Saying Man-Up

Manhood is the defeat of childhood narcissism.

David Gilmore

I will be the first to admit that I wasn’t the easiest kid to deal with. Then again, I’m not the easiest adult to deal with either. But for all my attitude and possible arrogance, one of my mother’s lessons always stuck with me. “If you want to be treated like a grown man, behave like a grown man.” If I had the big boy pants to try to do something, I had to deal with the big boy consequences of what I did. Simple enough, right?

Some time ago, the internet went on a buzz as we began to demonize the phrase “Man Up.” SJW went on rants as how this phrase was used to instill toxic expectations on men and how the marketing media would use it to manipulate us by telling us what beer “Men” drank, what was “Manly” clothing, or what truck you had to own to be a “Real Man.” Videos and posts were shared as we went on a crusade to get rid of that degrading idea, as we realized just how evil “Man Up” is…

Till we all rejoiced how a young woman within an animated movie proved just how empowering "Man Up" is, or rather how powerful Woman Up is. You see, Man Up or Woman Up is really about Standing Up for yourself, about growing up into your responsibilities, about being accountable for your actions. We see this in the character’s take charge attitude as she is no damsel in distress. She became a role model for girls, as she showed just how strong a strong woman is.

And this theme has been repeated over and over as motivational and empowering ideals for girls and women. “Put on your big girl panties and deal with it.” Girls are taught that it’s ok to cry, just as long as you than pull yourself together and come back stronger. The result of this message? Women who take charge and take no shit.

So then, if it’s such an empowering message to give to girls, one that has enormous results in providing a positive reinforcement in their development, why do we dismiss it and even demonize it when said to men? Because that would mean that men need to GROW THE (Insert appropriate swear word here) UP! It would mean that they need to take responsibility and accountability for their actions. It means that they can’t blame anyone else for their failures or justify not doing anything because “it’s too hard.”

Gentlemen, nobody is telling you it’s unmanly to be knocked down. Nobody is telling you it’s unmanly to ask for help. Nobody is even telling you it’s unmanly to even cry. What we are telling you is that life is hard. That it will knock you down. That you will have to ask for help and you will even cry every once in a while. That’s life. What you can’t do is stay knocked down, or shell in your own shame to avoid asking for help or let your pity party keep you from moving forward. And to do that you have to put on your grown up pants and belt. You need to deal with grown up problems like a grown up. And you need to stop acting like a boy and Man Up!