A Tailored Life

The only man I know who behaves sensibly is my tailor; he takes my measurements anew each time he sees me. The rest go on with their old measurements and expect me to fit them.

George Bernard Shaw

Not everyone takes the time or spends the money to have their clothing tailor fitted. They assume that something off the rack, when bought in the proper size, should fit them well enough. And that’s where our most common life problem rears its ugly head, as we assume that “well enough” is good enough to make it work.

There are about 2.25 billion adult men in the world, yet we assume that they can be broken down into about 4 different body sizes. We think that, just because it’s our “size,” it will fit just like the catalog picture. And when it doesn’t, we blame the magazine for false advertisement. What if the problem isn’t that the magazine lied, but rather the magazine took the time to fit it properly to the model in the image? Most catalog clothing is actually tailored to the specific model so it fits perfectly as anyone in the marketing world knows “well enough” doesn’t really cut it.

The same thing does on for everything within this life. We read an article about how to better your life or take some advice on how to become a better man, expecting to receive the promised results. When these outcomes don’t pan out as expected, we dismiss the entirety of the information as useless. We assume that information is created as a black and white guideline format, where one size fits all, and the end results will work “well enough” for us.

“Well enough” is never good enough to make a difference in our lives.

Not everyone will get the same results from the same instructions. The first thing you need to do is understand who you are at that moment within your life. Unless you recognize who you are and know what you want, you are going to be left stranded trying to figure out why you can’t seem to become a better person. Without that knowledge, you will simply assume you are broken beyond repair and left confused as to why things work out for someone else, yet won’t for you.

After you have taken your current “measurements”, now you have to learn to listen to the advice given. We have to listen to others, but we must tailor their lessons to fit who we are. To do that, we must understand how we must tailor these lessons to fit us, and not the other way around. You have to learn to listen, to learn what to absorb, what to adjust, and what to ignore. Their lessons only work for us if we can first understand why the lesson worked for them and we can understand how to make those lessons work of us.

You need to stop trying to fit yourself into the “better man” suit created by someone else. Instead, focus on growing into a better person, one defined by you, as you work with what works for you. Take that “better man” suit and tailor it to who you are. Learn to sift through all the comments, to deconstruct every article, and search for those tidbits that give value to you.

By this time you need to realize how you can’t pick and choose what’s convenient, but rather what’s necessary. When you are honest about whom you are you can be honest about what you need. You stop living a life of convenient comfort, but strive to become better every day. You become your own tailor, as you use the lessons of others to your personalized benefit. Create the idealized “better man” suit that fits you. Now you can stop trying to fit in the ideals of others, but instead work to fit into your ideal you.

What Doesn’t Make A Gentleman (And Curiously A Lady As Well)

(Note: This is a two part article. It will deal with what doesn’t define a gentleman and what does. You can’t really discuss one without the other. Also I took the risk of dealing with the topic of ladies, as after presenting the idea to Ms. B, she realized how the elements discussed applied to both Gentlemen and Ladies. You will notice how this post is full of links. These are the individual posts where I have expanded on the topic in previous posts.)

There are complete men and incomplete men. If you would be a complete man, put all of your soul's strength into all of your life's actions.

Eugenio Maria de Hostos

A fellow Gentleman over on our FB page dropped a gauntlet at my feet, a challenge which I have avoided without realizing it. Tired of the constant criticism against masculinity in social media and the ridiculous portrayal of men in traditional media, he felt it would be an interesting challenge to propose:

Top 10 honorable good traditional traits of a Gentleman

Honestly, I agree with his assessment of men’s depiction in modern media. We have been bombarded by the idea that the sarcastic Man-Child is an acceptable attitude to have, something I wrote about here. We are told by other guys that the only way to be a man is to be a player, idea that I challenge as well. On the other end, there is a general idea that men should be shamed into action to deal with the worse among us, strategy that has only created a feeling that being a man is something shameful. This resent attitude has gotten to the point where I have refused to write for some sites any more.

The reality is the net if full of articles like that. Really, it is. Go ahead and google “how to be a gentleman” or “10 traits all gentlemen have” or any other combinations of similar buzz words. Just get ready to sit down with a dozen of different versions of the “How to be a Gentleman to get the Lady” trope. Even on sites that proposed the idea that your actions “define you as a Gentleman, not her as a Lady” still fall on the Gentleman + Lady Stereotype we have avoided here, and reason why I have yet to put out a “How to Gentleman” post.

Ironically, for every social issue that men face, women face the flip side of the same coin. While men act like boys, girls act like women. Just as men are told how masculinity and being a Gentleman is something to be shamed out of them, women are attacked in a similar manner as femininity is viewed as weakness and the women are shamed out of the any intention of becoming a Lady.

A man’s interest of becoming a gentleman should never be dependent on a woman’s interest of becoming a Lady, nor the other way around. The reality is that a person’s interest into bettering themselves is not dependent on anything other than wanting to be one.

But before we can start to define what traits define a gentleman (or a lady for that manner) I think we should start by clearing the air of all the things that DON’T define a gentleman. There are way too many preconceptions carried by both words. Although this will be written from a gentleman’s perspective, understand that all of these apply to ladies as well.

Religious Denomination, Nationality, Race, or Ethnicity (or lack-off any of them)

This one is pretty simple, and can be inferred by this. Even though historically speaking, gentlemen had direct ties based on loyalty to their specific country, god, or king; almost every single country, society, and religion had their version of gentlemen (or similar archetypes) present. An English Gentleman is no more a gentleman than a Caballero. A Mensch is no more a Gentleman than a Junzi.  You use your ideals and beliefs to define the kind of gentleman you are. Others do the same with different ideals and beliefs. No one ideal has the right to trump another. No one nation should be held with more pride than another. No one race or ethnicity should be viewed as better than another. In the global world we live in, understanding this is critical.

Clothing

Whenever we think of gentlemen, you think of men in suits. I admit I have recommended the idea of the suit and the idea of being well groomed. Here’s the thing, wearing suit doesn’t make you any more of a Gentleman than a holding a weapon makes you into a warrior. Unfortunately, all too often people assume it does in both cases. The main idea isn’t the suit, but to respect yourself to care for yourself and how you present yourself to the world.

The reality is that if you don’t like to dress up, that doesn’t make you any less of a Gentleman. What makes you a Gentleman is how you refuse to make excuses for not dressing up. You understand and accept the reality that how you present yourself will define how others view you. You don’t need to justify who you are if you are proud of who you are. Consider that sometimes having a certain image is something that works for you and to what you do.

Social Standing

Way to often people assume that gentlemen are well off. How else are you going to afford all those suits, right? (Please read the Clothing entry again if you don’t get it.) I have dealt with well-off men who are Gentlemen. I have also dealt with well-off men who are anything but. The same I can say for men not as well off.

I have seen homeless men do acts of chivalry and hold themselves with honor and dignity, in spite of their situation. I have also seen rich men treat with more dignity and respect someone living in the street as someone living in a penthouse. I have seen the opposite on both situations as well. Your social standing neither makes you a villain nor a hero; neither makes you noble nor dishonorable. Who YOU are does.

History

All too often people think their past condemns their future. It does if you let it. The reality is you determine the man you are now, by the actions you take now. Sure, you might not have done the most honorable things in your youth, or lead the most saintly life. But as Oscar Wilde said, “all saints have a past and all sinners have a future.”

Never think you don’t deserve to be a gentleman just because of the guy you used to be. That’s actually the entire slogan of this site. Some of the most honorable men I have met started in the most dishonest lives.

Sexual Orientation (and maybe even gender?)

This has got to be one of my biggest pet peeves, as I’ve mentioned before. “Guys act like gentlemen to impress women.” What if the guy in question has no interest in the woman? Again, who he loves or doesn’t, who he dates or doesn’t, or who he marries or doesn’t, has no bearing in his actions as a Gentleman.

I will admit, my posts are written from a straight man’s perspective; I fully support equality of all kinds and will challenge any kind of bigotry and hatred. Take a moment and consider the following. If a gentleman is defined by his dedication to his character, if he is honest with himself and others, why would he hide who he is? Coming out to an unsupportive society and family takes a lot more cojones than most straight guys have.

And on the topic of cojones, I have met women who carry themselves with more gentlemanly dignity than a lot of the men out there, just as I have met men who carry themselves with more ladylike elegance than many women out there. Don’t assume you’re a gentleman or a lady just because of your genitals.

Different roads, same path.

When everything is said and done, a gentleman can’t be defined by things he either has no control over, his environment, or simply the superficial shell around him. If that were so, only those born within a very unique situation could be gentlemen, and we know that’s not true. A gentleman can be anyone, just as long as he works on what truly matters, and what truly matters are all things he can control.

But that will be the next installment.

The Soulful Gentleman

(Note: This post will deal with spirituality and soulfulness from a creative point of view. I am not going to deal with actual religions or faith, but rather mention the soul as the core of the creative process and beauty as a source of inspiration to the soul. With that clear, let’s start.)

Beauty awakens the soul to act.

Dante Alighieri

We have heard time and time again about the importance of having a balance between the mind and the body. You strengthen your body and educate your mind, pretty simple. Yet some other philosophies add a third element to the equation, the spirit. Yet this is a topic most people would rather avoid to avoid the dangerous waters of a conversation about religion or having your beliefs questioned when considering the aspects of spirituality in a world that prizes “practicality.” Yet, by avoiding this important conversation and by prizing practicality we set ourselves up for an unfulfilling and soulless existence that we simply can’t understand.

We can’t understand it simply because we forgot to learn that beauty is the food for the soul. Men are told to be practical, to the point of almost vulgar. Since our birth, we are told over and over how being inspired, being creative, or simply being in awe of the world we live in is a weakness that must be purged from our body.

Be strong, be tough. Art? That’s for wimps. Delicate beauty? You’re tough and you must only like tough things. Sit down, have a drink and wait till that shit passes.

This makes no sense when you consider how every warrior of old would balance his ability to destroy with his ability to create. He would balance all the horrors he saw in the battle field with all the beauty he found in the world. A samurai would spend hours on end simply searching for the perfect blossom. The knight would spend days searching for the right words to express his emotions in a prose. So at what point was being inspired by greatness an unmanly thing? How this came about, I have yet to figure it out.

Since ancient times, creativity was when man would let his gods speak through him and beauty was his gods speaking to him. Even if you don’t believe in a spiritual being, beauty has the ability to stir even the sternest of men, rattle their emotions and remind them they are alive!

At some moment during our lives we forgot to be alive. We work hard, make money, have a family, have success, yet there is an overwhelming sense of hopelessness and emptiness that eats you from your core. Why do you think the starving artist wouldn’t give up his art for that steady paycheck? Why do you think the misunderstood musician spends so many hours polishing his craft? They might not be able to pay your rent with art, but you can feed your soul with it.

So what do you do? Do you have to pick one or the other? No. That’s why balance is so important. It’s amusing how many older gentlemen pick up art, or develop their music, or start writing, or simply head out to find explore the world after they retire. They realized how their lives were missing a very important aspect, the ability to see beauty.

What can you to avoid having to wait so long? What can you do to fill that gaping hole within yourself? Learn to view beauty and learn to speak beauty. Look at the world and how wondrous it actually is. Be in awe, not only of nature, but of everything. Amaze at the intricacies of an engine just as you would of a blossom. Listen to music and all its levels and harmonies. Learn to look at a person and see how all their imperfections simply add to their beauty. Because beauty is imperfection. It’s those imperfections that make every experience unique.

Here’s the secret. Force to look at what the beauty within the world. Force yourself to write, to paint, to draw, to pick up that guitar you gave up so long ago when you went to work. Force yourself to be inspired, to feel, to express. Dive head first into that pool of unbridled emotions and learn to sail that storm. Dare to be inspired and tell someone they are beautiful. Gentlemen, never give up an opportunity to see beauty and create beauty, as that is your soul talking to you.

 

Saved By The ‘Man-Box’

True strength is when you have a lot to cry about, but you choose to smile and take another step forward instead.

C.Tang

(Before we even start, this post goes out to every man who has endured the pain of been away from his family for whatever reason and to every man who has stood like a rock by his family during the darkest times. You define what being a man is.)

If you have spent any time looking over motivational articles or heard some pseudo life expert, they will call out the quaint “Break free from the box” cliché, how men need to step out of the man box that holds them back. They will continue going on with a rant as how the ‘Man-Box’ only serves as a prison for men.

When asked what the Man-Box is, each of them goes into a different explanation with the only common thread being “it’s bad.” Ironically, and the main reason why I can’t agree with them, they want men to break free from the Man-Box only if you then fit into the box they have carefully laid out for you.

Break free from your preconceptions just as long as you fit into my preconceptions.

I’m going to reframe from printing what my reply would be to avoid being vulgar. And my main problem with this mentality is that way to many times I have seen men stand strong thanks to the very ‘Man-Box’ so many condemn.

I have seen a brother, relocated far away, smiling and laughing while skyping with their 6 year old daughter, only to break down right after they log off. I have seen a deployed brother telling his fiancé how it was an uneventful day, when he a few hours earlier he almost lost his life. I have seen a brother kiss his wife and say that everything will be alright, when five minutes earlier her doctor told him how her cancer was terminal. I have seen a brother happily play with a son who will never know his father’s challenges. I have seen a brother tell his mother how everything goes well, when she no longer remembers what day it is.

I have said before in several occasions that a man must know when to ask for help, ask for a helping hand. But there are times when you are the rock for someone to hold on to hope and happiness. There are times when you must swallow your own pain and your own suffering, to lessen the suffering of those you love. THAT was the lesson that was taught to me as a young man of what a man really is. And to this day, that is the measuring stick I use to determine the worth of any man.

Those that condemn the ‘Man-Box’ fail to understand one very important thing. Each man creates his own box. And by doing so, they don’t create a prison, but an armor to help them deal with a world that can be both, beautiful and horrible. So as you set off into the world, make sure you don’t end up fitting into anyone else’s box, but rather create your own. Just make sure it’s one that empowers you and gives you the strength to help those around you stand proud of you being in their lives.