I Stand A Proud Man

We make men without chests and expect of them virtue and enterprise. We laugh at honor and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful.

C.S. Lewis

The internet is riddled with articles exposing the damaging effects of manhood’s expectations on men, on the toxic behavior that has been not only condoned but rather promoted, as a boy grows into adulthood. We blame masculinity for all the shortcomings of men today, as we try to break away from the shackles of the oppressive restrictions that men place on themselves due to gender. Yet with all this negative implications placed on men, I am left wondering about all the great men, men who have left a legacy to the world, men who prove just how great men can be. That’s when I have to ask myself, is it manhood that is toxic to men, or are we as a society become toxic to men?

You see, for every time you call out the toxicity of masculinity, I am reminded of men willing to go above and beyond to help others because it’s the right thing to do. For every comment of the chains that hold back men, I am reminded of men whose strength of character has helped make this a better world as they are the first to volunteer to be strong. For every time you tell me I should be ashamed of being a man, I stand proud in the knowledge that being a man is nothing to be ashamed of.

It’s funny how every time a man does good, social media views him as a person or an individual, but when a man does wrong, his actions are a reflection of the potential evil within all men. A good man is special and a bad one is proof that all men are the same? Really? Yes, some men are bad, but it’s not because they are men.

It isn’t manhood that has placed toxic expectations on men, but a society that has bread insecure men who feel they need to prove themselves constantly. We are trying so hard to prove how damaging masculinity that we don’t realize it’s our persecution of masculinity that is hurting men. We are creating our own self-fulfilling prophecy about broken men when it’s our own persecution, negative perspectives, and judgmental attitude that are breaking men.

We need to create men who are sure enough of themselves that they see no reason to prove their manhood. And to do this we need to stop attacking manhood. We need to stop promoting the image of a man as one who works a 9 to 5 job, but one that works 24/7 to better his character. We need to stop promoting the idea that a man needs to be the main financial provider as he needs to make more money than his wife, but rather the idea that money doesn’t define the support he gives to his family. We need to stop measuring manhood with a tape line around his bicep, the length of his penis, or the size of his cojones.

We need to stop telling men that they have to attack masculinity as a way to prove they are not being victimized by it. We need to stop telling men that their own personal faults and flaws are not their responsibility as they can blame them on masculinity. We need men who know that they are responsible for themselves and the kind of man they can be!

But to be this kind of man, to understand this kind of manhood, we need to start looking at what men can do and what manhood offers them. Manhood is what gives your life priorities, as you calmly step away from the narcissism and selfishness of childhood. Manhood is defined by what you are willing to do to take care of your family, your friends, and your community. Manhood is defined by the bond you have with brothers you share no blood with. Manhood is defined by what you are willing to do past your own comfort. Manhood is having personal honor and a moral code that defines your behavior more than any laws of the land. Manhood is having the character to hold yourself accountable for your own actions. Manhood is about trying to be a better man for one simple reason, to be able to face life’s challenges proudly on your feet as a man.

What Doesn’t Make A Gentleman (And Curiously A Lady As Well)

(Note: This is a two part article. It will deal with what doesn’t define a gentleman and what does. You can’t really discuss one without the other. Also I took the risk of dealing with the topic of ladies, as after presenting the idea to Ms. B, she realized how the elements discussed applied to both Gentlemen and Ladies. You will notice how this post is full of links. These are the individual posts where I have expanded on the topic in previous posts.)

There are complete men and incomplete men. If you would be a complete man, put all of your soul's strength into all of your life's actions.

Eugenio Maria de Hostos

A fellow Gentleman over on our FB page dropped a gauntlet at my feet, a challenge which I have avoided without realizing it. Tired of the constant criticism against masculinity in social media and the ridiculous portrayal of men in traditional media, he felt it would be an interesting challenge to propose:

Top 10 honorable good traditional traits of a Gentleman

Honestly, I agree with his assessment of men’s depiction in modern media. We have been bombarded by the idea that the sarcastic Man-Child is an acceptable attitude to have, something I wrote about here. We are told by other guys that the only way to be a man is to be a player, idea that I challenge as well. On the other end, there is a general idea that men should be shamed into action to deal with the worse among us, strategy that has only created a feeling that being a man is something shameful. This resent attitude has gotten to the point where I have refused to write for some sites any more.

The reality is the net if full of articles like that. Really, it is. Go ahead and google “how to be a gentleman” or “10 traits all gentlemen have” or any other combinations of similar buzz words. Just get ready to sit down with a dozen of different versions of the “How to be a Gentleman to get the Lady” trope. Even on sites that proposed the idea that your actions “define you as a Gentleman, not her as a Lady” still fall on the Gentleman + Lady Stereotype we have avoided here, and reason why I have yet to put out a “How to Gentleman” post.

Ironically, for every social issue that men face, women face the flip side of the same coin. While men act like boys, girls act like women. Just as men are told how masculinity and being a Gentleman is something to be shamed out of them, women are attacked in a similar manner as femininity is viewed as weakness and the women are shamed out of the any intention of becoming a Lady.

A man’s interest of becoming a gentleman should never be dependent on a woman’s interest of becoming a Lady, nor the other way around. The reality is that a person’s interest into bettering themselves is not dependent on anything other than wanting to be one.

But before we can start to define what traits define a gentleman (or a lady for that manner) I think we should start by clearing the air of all the things that DON’T define a gentleman. There are way too many preconceptions carried by both words. Although this will be written from a gentleman’s perspective, understand that all of these apply to ladies as well.

Religious Denomination, Nationality, Race, or Ethnicity (or lack-off any of them)

This one is pretty simple, and can be inferred by this. Even though historically speaking, gentlemen had direct ties based on loyalty to their specific country, god, or king; almost every single country, society, and religion had their version of gentlemen (or similar archetypes) present. An English Gentleman is no more a gentleman than a Caballero. A Mensch is no more a Gentleman than a Junzi.  You use your ideals and beliefs to define the kind of gentleman you are. Others do the same with different ideals and beliefs. No one ideal has the right to trump another. No one nation should be held with more pride than another. No one race or ethnicity should be viewed as better than another. In the global world we live in, understanding this is critical.

Clothing

Whenever we think of gentlemen, you think of men in suits. I admit I have recommended the idea of the suit and the idea of being well groomed. Here’s the thing, wearing suit doesn’t make you any more of a Gentleman than a holding a weapon makes you into a warrior. Unfortunately, all too often people assume it does in both cases. The main idea isn’t the suit, but to respect yourself to care for yourself and how you present yourself to the world.

The reality is that if you don’t like to dress up, that doesn’t make you any less of a Gentleman. What makes you a Gentleman is how you refuse to make excuses for not dressing up. You understand and accept the reality that how you present yourself will define how others view you. You don’t need to justify who you are if you are proud of who you are. Consider that sometimes having a certain image is something that works for you and to what you do.

Social Standing

Way to often people assume that gentlemen are well off. How else are you going to afford all those suits, right? (Please read the Clothing entry again if you don’t get it.) I have dealt with well-off men who are Gentlemen. I have also dealt with well-off men who are anything but. The same I can say for men not as well off.

I have seen homeless men do acts of chivalry and hold themselves with honor and dignity, in spite of their situation. I have also seen rich men treat with more dignity and respect someone living in the street as someone living in a penthouse. I have seen the opposite on both situations as well. Your social standing neither makes you a villain nor a hero; neither makes you noble nor dishonorable. Who YOU are does.

History

All too often people think their past condemns their future. It does if you let it. The reality is you determine the man you are now, by the actions you take now. Sure, you might not have done the most honorable things in your youth, or lead the most saintly life. But as Oscar Wilde said, “all saints have a past and all sinners have a future.”

Never think you don’t deserve to be a gentleman just because of the guy you used to be. That’s actually the entire slogan of this site. Some of the most honorable men I have met started in the most dishonest lives.

Sexual Orientation (and maybe even gender?)

This has got to be one of my biggest pet peeves, as I’ve mentioned before. “Guys act like gentlemen to impress women.” What if the guy in question has no interest in the woman? Again, who he loves or doesn’t, who he dates or doesn’t, or who he marries or doesn’t, has no bearing in his actions as a Gentleman.

I will admit, my posts are written from a straight man’s perspective; I fully support equality of all kinds and will challenge any kind of bigotry and hatred. Take a moment and consider the following. If a gentleman is defined by his dedication to his character, if he is honest with himself and others, why would he hide who he is? Coming out to an unsupportive society and family takes a lot more cojones than most straight guys have.

And on the topic of cojones, I have met women who carry themselves with more gentlemanly dignity than a lot of the men out there, just as I have met men who carry themselves with more ladylike elegance than many women out there. Don’t assume you’re a gentleman or a lady just because of your genitals.

Different roads, same path.

When everything is said and done, a gentleman can’t be defined by things he either has no control over, his environment, or simply the superficial shell around him. If that were so, only those born within a very unique situation could be gentlemen, and we know that’s not true. A gentleman can be anyone, just as long as he works on what truly matters, and what truly matters are all things he can control.

But that will be the next installment.

How A Death Challenged Gender Perspective In Puerto Rico’s Culture

A few days ago (Feb. 8 at 12:54 am), a woman was run over as she was crossing a street. The driver fled the scene. In an Island (Puerto Rico) where the deaths per weekend have been known to reach the double digits, this death might have easily gone unnoticed. Except the woman who died was Ivania Zayas, a local singer/songwriter with a small but loyal fan base, who brought people’s attention to this tragic event in the social media.

However, what brought this into the public eye wasn’t simply the loss of a talented musician to an act of tragedy, but the comments of Félix Bauzó, director of the Homicide Division of Criminal Investigation Corps, who questioned the logic of why Ivania was walking the streets alone at that hour.

“It is unusual for a lady, around 1 am, to be crossing that avenue (65th Infantry) and therefore we have to investigate whether she was alone or accompanied. If she was alone, it is worrisome, if she wasn’t, then it would be interesting to know what they were doing, where they came from, that kind of details.” (Translated from NotiCel)

I think there is no need to explain the nature of this comment as it speaks for itself more clearly than I could ever portray. The comment sparked a social media backlash in the form of the hashtag #AndandoLaCalleSola (Walking the street alone); challenging the idea that a woman walking alone at night is an invitation for violence.

Although Officer Bauzó later retracted his comments, they did give a clear image of the rampant gender stereotyping, sexism, and victim blaming within Puerto Rico’s society. This exposition demonstrates the need to promote an open discussion and education about how society views women and gender stereotypes as a whole. Interestingly enough, in an uncommon act of proactivity, the government is currently developing a program for the Department of Education based on Gender Perspective, by which they will educate our youth about the damages caused by gender stereotyping. Unfortunately, these efforts are being shut down, not by the “Patriarchy” and “Machista” community (not that the machistas mind it being shut down), but by a limited but very aggressive group of religious fundamentalists who view opening the discussion about Gender Perspective as the gate way to the “Gay Agenda.” Interestingly enough over 40 other religious and social organizations have established their support to the project.

And there lies the main problem of our society, a society so willing to cover their ears with their own prejudice, that ignores its reality. A society where religious extremists want to ignore any conversation about sexual orientation and gender discrimination, as if that made the LGBT community and open gender stereotyping to disappear. A society where machistas ignore any conversation about women’s rights and gender equality, as if this created a social reality (that never existed to begin with) where a woman’s role was to serve her husband.

Perspectives should never be ignored just because they are not your own and knowledge should never be suppressed just because it makes you uncomfortable. We owe future generations to provide them with the information, the tools, and the vision to create a better Puerto Rico, and a better world. As a great man once said, “Reasoning doesn’t have a gender.” (La razon no tiene sexo. - Eugenio Maria de Hostos)

This is a topic I have dealt with since I started writing online as can be evident from my first article for GMP, How Macho Culture Sets Men Up to Fail.

I was part of a debate run by Meryland Cuevas on this topic earlier this week for Otros Veinte Pesos, a Spanish speaking site. 

This is the first part of the debate.

And Part 2. Additional information and closing comments.

Only Weak Men Are Afraid Of Strong Women.

I'm one of those guys who believes that you need a strong woman in your life.

-Pierce Brosnan-

I think that to this point I have made something pretty clear, you should be unwilling to be any less of a man or a Gentleman just to make those insecure of themselves happy. You hold yourself to high standards and expect a lot from yourself. This attitude tends to make people who chose to be mediocre nervous and uncomfortable. So with that in mind, why would any Gentleman want to make a woman feel like she needs to tone down to make him happy? Why would any Gentleman want to make a woman feel that she needs to conform to him? If anything, he should respect any woman just as strong and determined as he is.

No woman, just as no man, should feel they need to be any less just because of someone else’s insecurities. The fact that the Lady has stayed strong in a society bent on breaking her is just as commendable, if not more, as the fact that you are a strong man in a society bent in breaking you. Society tends to label women like this with words like “Diva” or “Bitch” or “Bossy,” words that are viewed by many in a negative light. To me, these words are actually positive, as it shows a woman who knows what she wants in life and isn’t afraid to show it!

This is not a woman who will walk in your shadow. This is not a woman who will validate you because you need to feed your insecurities. This is a woman who has dealt with the insults and attacks of this world and stood unfazed. This is a woman who will walk her own path by your side, and stand toe to toe with the man you are. If you hold yourself to such high standards, why wouldn’t you want a woman who holds herself to high standards as well?

And it takes a strong man to be in a relationship with a strong woman. Fortunately that is one of the virtues of being a Gentleman, to be a strong man, a man who respects a woman willing to be more than average, a woman willing to hold herself up to higher standards and higher expectations for her life. And we are able to relate and understand as we do the same.

So let those who settle, settle. Let those who are threatened by determination and discipline shy away from strong women and strong men. It makes it so much easier to find each other and stand by each other that way.