In Honor Of The Lioness

There is no greater warrior than a mother protecting her child.

N.K. Jemisin

Here in Being Caballero, we spend a lot of time mentioning the importance of the warrior’s role within our society and within the person. We focus on the importance of being strong and fierce, if for nothing else, to be strong and fierce for personal development. The reality is that being a strong and fierce warrior is a necessity in your role of protecting your own; your family. And among the modern warriors who take care of their own, there is none as strong and fierce as the Warrior Mom; the Lioness.

We’ve all seen them… “That mom” who’s dug her heals in the sand and is unwilling to give an inch to life’s adversity, as she’s strengthen by her devotion to her children. She’s feared and respected by her children’s teachers, as she holds the mantle of being her kid’s greatest advocate. She’s feared and respected by her kid’s friends as even they know she will step in and “mother” them when needed. She’s feared and respected by her kid’s love interest, as she will call out and confront anyone taking advantage of them. She’s feared and respected by her own kid, as they know she will expect them to become the best version of themselves they can be. And above else, past the fear and respect, she is loved, as she has proven her devotion to her kid time and time again.

Afraid of pissing of the Dad? What makes you think that the Mom will be any less dangerous? She fears what might happen to her child, so she’s fearless. She wants her kids to be someone worth respecting, so she teaches them to be respectable by example.

As once the son of a Lioness and now husband to a Lioness, these women are the true embodiment of the woman warrior, the modern Shield Maidens. Women like these are the most impressive embodiment of motherhood, as they’re willing to do anything for their kids; even if it means putting their kids in their place. She is the impressive woman she is, not in spite of having kids, but thanks to having kids.

So Gentlemen, even if you might fancy yourself as a Lion, remember that the most dangerous member of the pride is the lioness protecting her young. Appreciate the Lionesses in your life. Appreciate the mother you had who was willing to do anything to make you a better man. And appreciate the mother of your child who’s willing to do anything needed to make your kid into a better person.

Any woman can have a child. Some mothers can raise them right. It takes a Lioness to teach them the strength needed to change the world. Be thankful of women like these in your life, as they are few and far between.

It’s Called A Partnership For A Reason

A man with dreams needs a woman with vision.

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Back in college, during a lecture on how to manage Architectural Firms, one of my old mentors shared with us the secret to finding good business partners. Instead of gravitating to like-talented professionals, you should try to find your counterparts. If you’re good at designing, the others must be good at production. If you’re good at marketing, the others must be good in accounting. You might have the best product in the world, but without someone to sell it, it’s useless. You might have the best hustlers in the world, but without something to sell… you get the idea. When you understand how each person contributes to the partnership, you understand where you have duplicated efforts, what bases are left uncovered, and if you have expendable freeloaders. Only when you can cover all the bases between all the partners, can a business be stable and successful.

He concluded the lesson by emphasizing how this mentality goes into any partnerships, especially marriage.

We live in a society that promotes self-reliance and autonomy. We are grilled by life into avoiding at all cost relying on others; all thanks to failed group projects, bad roommate arrangements, and the ever constant posts about life’s “givers and takers” or about “reachers and settlers.” By the time when we’ve been properly indoctrinated into a self-sufficient mind set, we end up unable to understand why marriage is so difficult.

During that entire process of independence, we’re never taught to open up to others or to actually trust and depend on them. We are told that “love overcomes it all” as if love, a wonderfully ephemeral sentiment, was enough to overcome some very practical issues that happen within relationships.

Let me make something clear here. No matter how “complete” and well rounded you are, you have your strong points and your weaknesses. We want to believe that we’re so “complete” that sometimes being with someone with a different skill-set or a different mindset just exposes our shortcomings to ourselves, a mirror into our “weakness.” The insecurities then tend to flourish as we become defensive of our weak points or arrogant with our strengths.

You need to view your relationship like any partnership. You bring into the union your own personal weaknesses and strengths and hope they play well with those of the other person. It’s about moving past our inability to accept our short falls or dismissing our partner’s strengths. Instead, start looking at how you balance each other out and trust your partner to have your back, even if that means keeping you in check.

The dreamer needs the realist to ground him, while the realist needs the dreamer to fly. Maybe that successful person is constantly in business mode, yet what they need and crave in a life partner is a free spirit, someone that reminds them that life isn’t all work, that play is important. Maybe that “smart” person needs someone who reminds them that life can’t be overanalyzed, that some things simply are. Or that imaginative and creative person needs a pragmatic and logical partner, who can give them the necessary focus to fulfill their dreams.

It’s amusing how we are willing to understand this concept when we speak of businesses, as the social savvy marketer will partner up with the economy savvy number cruncher. Each realizes the strengths within their partner and weaknesses within themselves, so the power and command constantly shifts and flows between them depending of the situation and the needs. If this is so easy to understand as a concept when dealing with business partnerships, why is it such a hard concept to embrace when speaking of romantic partnerships?

We don’t need someone to complete who we are within a relationship. We need someone to complete the relationship based on who we are. We need a partner who can pick up the slack left by our own weaknesses, helping us to excel in our strengths. We need a partner, who can see what we can’t see, who can give a different perspective than the one we have. And we need to trust this person to hold their end of the bargain and that is willing to let us do the same for them.

The Worst Relationship Advice We Believe

Dear Men,

If you’re going to criticize a woman’s figure or any other aspect of her appearance, please make sure that you are either Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp.

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Every once in a while someone will come along to provide some wonderful insight to those seeking a meaningful relationship. They will remind those of you that are single that out there, in the vastness of this wonderful world, is that special someone who will make you understand why it never worked out with anyone else. This person will understand you and love you just as you are. They will embrace your faults as beautiful, your flaws as the things that make you special, and love you unconditionally. They will have everything you would want in a partner as they will be smart, independent, strong, sensitive, supportive, and attractive. They won’t have any of those deal-braking bad habits that have ruined so many of your previous relationships as you two are simply one soul that got split in two during creation…

And that’s a beautiful thought, until you realize it’s one of the most self-centered and selfish attitudes anyone can have and the reason why you’ve been so miserable in love. When you remove all the romantic literacy from that mentality and read it for what it is; you realize that you’re expecting someone who’s amazing, yet isn’t looking for someone amazing. You want someone who’s willing to happily put up with your crap without giving you any crap at all.

More amazing still is our hypocrisy; as we set the highest standards for others yet refuse to live up to those same standards ourselves. You expect someone to love you for who you are, yet you refuse to show any kind of self-love as you don’t have the slightest demonstration of developing for yourself since they have to love you “just as you are.” You expect them to put up with your “worse” as a price to enjoy you at your “best,” as if suffering was an acceptable toll for your company.

All this happens while you scrutinize the other person for any flaw or fault that will excuse you from feeling guilty of all they have to put up with. It’s to the point where instead of looking at what wonderful qualities someone might have, you focus on what flaws you’re unwilling to put up with. No wonder we keep hearing phrases like “all women are crazy” and “all guys are the same.” That’s what people look for when they look at someone, proof that the woman is “crazy” or the guy is just like the “rest.” It’s an easy way to avoid being accountable for our responsibility of every failed relationship we’ve ever been in.

If you want a relationship with an incredible person, you’d better be ready to work your ass off to become an incredible person yourself. Instead of looking for someone willing to settle for you, look for someone worth polishing who you are for them. Look for someone who pushes you to become better and worth growing for.

Don’t keep saying you want someone amazing when you only focus on the flaws people might have. What you focus on demonstrate what’s important to you. Everyone comes with baggage, but they also come with some wonderful qualities. Stop looking for excuses to treat people badly and start looking for reasons to cherish them.

Relationships aren’t about what the other person has to offer you, but rather what you both are willing to do for each other. Don’t expect to find a Leading Lady if you aren’t willing to be a Leading Man.

Ladies, We Need Your Help

There are two ways of exerting one’s strength:

One is pushing down,

The other is pulling up.

Booker T. Washington

Ladies,

Usually I will post here, specifically directing my words to men, as most of what is posted here is focused on men becoming more, on working on themselves, not to impress women, but to better themselves. I have mentioned how this is a path they must walk by themselves as they take accountability for their own actions and development.

We understand how men need to be allies to women’s fight for gender equality and social justice. We see the importance of men becoming allies and taking up an active participation on women’s issues in campaigns such as #HeForShe and Man Up. We are aware of the awful statistics of what women have to deal with and have learned how men can challenge a sexist culture by simply standing up against what’s expected from them as guys.

But now, I am asking for your help as women.

All too often, society doesn’t see the flip side of the coin, as it assumes that men’s issues are reduced to men whining about not getting a date or, at best, men having unrealistic expectations placed on them due to gender stereotypes. The reality is a lot more palpable than just fighting social expectations and it’s a reality that’s killing us; sometimes metaphorically while other times literally.

Did you know that 1 in 4 men are victims of domestic violence? Did you know that 1 in 6 men are victims of sexual abuse since they are boys? Did you know that even though society admits men and women are equally capable as parents, after a divorce only 14% of men gain primary custody? And those without it, did you know they are usually only allowed to see their kids every other weekend. That’s only 4 days a month for those mathematically challenged.

Did you know that there are very few support groups and even less resources available to create awareness to issues like these or help men deal? The funny thing is that when they exist, these are under constant attack and ridicule by those unwilling to recognize the reality of many men. If you knew all of this, then it probably doesn’t surprise you that, even though suicide rates have gone down, in the case of men between the ages of 40-55, they have actually gone up. This has become such an issue that currently 80% of all suicides are committed by men.

Society as a whole is killing us and then it blames us for it.

And this is why I’m asking for your help. Men are told to look for help, but when they actually stretch out their hand looking for a life line; it’s slapped away by both other men and women who refuse to see the problem. Gender issues and challenges are treated as an open war between the sexes where each group plays up their own challenges, expecting empathy and help, while dismissing what others go through.

We need to stop viewing the world as two different worlds, but at a single world where we have both been responsible for the good and bad each gender goes through. Just as it’s important for men to become allies to women, it’s also important for women to become allies to men. For that reason, I ask for your help.

Men can’t change the world alone just as women can’t either.

A Request To Every Strong Woman, From Every Strong Man

Strong women intimidate boys… and excite men.

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Ladies, you might have noticed that I tend to avoid making posts about dating and about women. The reality is that I have never wanted to turn Being Caballero into a dating advice column, but rather about how men need to better themselves. Also, I find it absurd and a bit arrogant that I, as a man, would tell women how to be.

That being said, I do have to bring up a topic in specific that does affect men’s efforts to become better men, and that is the notion that women today have to act dumb or weak to avoid scaring off men. To that mentality, I have but a single request to all you ladies out there that have considered it.

Please don’t.

Now for the elaborate explanation. Every woman has at one point or another either said the words “where are all the good men” or “guys are all the same.” They have felt that being strong, intelligent, and independent might be a good thing from a personal and professional level, but hinders them in finding a good relationship. They end up with the notion that good men are hard to find, so let’s settle with Mr. Good Enough.

Sure, you end up fulfilling the need to be in a relationship, you quench your thirst for companionship, but at what price. You end up in a relationship where you either keep up the mask of weakness and stupidity just to keep the man content, while your own happiness falters, or you show who you truly are at the risk of anyway creating further insecurities on an already insecure man. Is “at least I have a man” worth saying for a few days, months, or years of bad companionship in a bad relationship?

Consider the following. Every time you say that good men are hard to find, every other woman who hears you finds herself validated in lowering her own standards. This then creates a cycle of insecurities, where women assume that the price to pay for being strong and intelligent is loneliness. That’s not true.

Also consider the effect that it creates in men. “Every guy’s the same” just tells men that they don’t need to become better men, as they assume that their efforts won’t be even noticed. They assume that being “Good enough” is good enough to get a woman way out of their league. This makes men assume that women have to put up with half-assed relationship efforts, as they know that you are already willing to put yourself down just to avoid scaring him off.

The reality is that there are plenty of good men out there, and all too often they are asking themselves the very same question you are; “where are all the good women.” Nowadays, we find that men are more willing to better themselves, as they become aware of the personal need to better themselves, to not settle for a woman just based on her looks. They are looking for more from a relationship, usually the result of the same things that lead women to wonder where the good men are; previously failed relationships. The problem is that those insecure men and women tend to be really loud and drown out the rest of those who are strong enough not to need the social approval of others.

So go out there, be strong, be intelligent, be powerful, and be yourself. Who you are will automatically weed out the undesirables. Start looking for men you can look straight into their eyes, men who stand shoulder to shoulder and you don’t have to carry around. Look for men who are your equal. That kind of man is probably looking for the same thing.

Proud Mama’s Boy

A man who treats his woman like a princess is proof that he has been raised by a queen.

Wiz Khalifa

In a world where part of what people assume they need to hide part of which they are, resulting in people walking around with social masks. Some of these masks are to protect themselves from being exposed and hurt by others. Other masks are to portray an image they think others will like. The result, either way, is that people are left not knowing what to expect from someone.

This has been a constant topic mentioned by most women I have spoken with, as they don’t know what kind of man they often have before them in social settings. These men present themselves as Gentlemen, yet later on show their true colors as being a lot less. This has led plenty of women to have issues trusting anyone who carries the Gentleman label. Other men present themselves as being stoic or irresponsible or even uncaring, yet when the lady allows them to open up, they are in actuality perfect gentlemen who simply carried their masks as a shield to protect themselves as a result of past heartbreaks.

So this leaves Ladies in a rather confusing situation. Is the gentleman an actual gentleman or simply a wolf in sheep’s clothing? Is he really that bad of a person or is he really just trying to keep safe a heart of gold? There is a simple way to know. It’s just that you need to know where to look. You want to know how a man will treat a woman after all masks and shields fall off? Look at how he treats the one woman who met him before he put on his mask.

Look at how he treats his mother.

Most Gentlemen learn how to behave like warriors and learn the ceremonial side of society from their fathers or male role models. Now days, thanks to the evolution of modern dads, they also learn that life isn’t just work, as they learn to have fun and enjoy life from their fathers as well. That is why I constantly promote the inclusion of a male role model within a boy’s development.

Yet from their mother, they tend to learn how to respect and care for women. Moms become the first woman a man will care for. Here is where he will learn respect and responsibility about words and action done in front of a lady. It doesn’t need to be his biological mother. We see this in men with close relationships with their stepmothers, grandmothers, aunts, or big sister. In her presence, they will carry themselves as they want to be seen by them. And these lessons become engrained within their soul. This is why having a proper female role is so important.

I have noticed this to be a recurring trait among those who live under the Gentleman code. Yes, they might stray from the code during part of their lives, as they forget those lessons at one point or another. Yet these very men, those who have lost their way, will even straighten up with a single though, “what will my mother think.” Ladies, you might at one point or another complain about a gentleman’s mother, but if he treats you with respect and lovingly, this is the woman you should be thanking. She forged that side of his moral structure.

So, if you ever want to know how a man treats women, what he thinks of them, just look at how he treats his mother. You will quite often see that any man, who treats her with respect, will often do the same with you. So next time you wonder about this, see if the gentleman in question is a Proud Mama’s Boy.