A Father who lost (guest post)

Do you want to know who you are? Don’t ask. Act! Actions will delineate and define you.

Thomas Jefferson

A while back I wrote about dads who’ve been absent from their kid’s lives for reasons beyond their control. The response was equally surprising as it was depressing, receiving messages from men who’ve lost their relationships with their kids due to several situations of life. I felt that I wasn’t suited to expand on the topic as I was fortunate enough to never have lived this kind of events myself, but as luck would have it, I ran into this wonderful post on No Deadbeat Society: An Army of Fathers who give a sh*t. I think that there was no way that I could best explain what a situation like this meant like a man who lived it himself.

With that I leave you with an open letter to any Dad’s facing custody dispute: From a Father who lost.

Dear Dad soon to be standing in front of a judge for rights to see his children,

This letter is from a man who lost everything. I immaturely acted like a 20 something year old man would to things I didn’t like in my situation. And in the end, I lost everything. Enough time with my children to be able to do simple things like take them to park, or see them off to school on their first day…

Most of what you will read online, especially where there is opportunity for men to openly discuss the court process; you will read and hear that the court systems are extremely biased. That the system is ripping men from their children. While it sometimes seems that is true, you have to understand that it’s quite often the actions of men that cause it. Note; this letter is in no way aimed to speak about or cause debate about the court system. You can form your own opinion about the process, and any bias you feel judges may have in America towards mothers. All I can offer you is passionate advice on how to best situate yourself as you are preparing to face a custody debate.

You need to humble yourself. The truth is that as men, we are raised to be strong. We see it in the news, the media, movies, video games, books, music, the list goes on and on. A man should be able to protect himself and his family, no matter the battle he has to fight. No matter who is on the other side of that battle. Someone hurts one of our family members, we have almost been taught over the years to let them know in whatever way possible that you won’t tolerate that, and they should fear doing it again. What we have to learn is that sometimes, that fight requires you to humble yourself. Not become a victim per say, but accept that sometimes you have to let things go…

Your children must be your first priority.  There is absolutely NOTHING more important than them. You have no excuse, there is no situation you can justify anything over them. So if at this point in this letter you are muttering “bullshit” to yourself. Don’t even bother continuing to read. But if you are open to understand continue on.

This isn’t legal advice, if you are seeking that google a family lawyer in your area that represents fathers. Quite often they will have free resources on their websites that provide detailed action plans for fathers seeking custody. But trust me, they will tell you to act similar to how I am, only they will say it’s for purposes of court proceedings, I am telling you this because it is for your mental health and happiness.

My advice is from the heart. From a father who lost.

Your ex has a new man in her life?  Let it be….. If he isn’t hurting your children, let it be…  You will someday fall in love again and want to have your new wife or girlfriend around your children. Your children’s mother will feel exactly how you are about her new man in the picture.

Let go of your ex. Let go of everything you remember that may have been a great time. Now is a time for you to focus on your mental health and unconditional love for your children.

Your ex speaks down to you? Let it be…. it doesn’t matter.  Reality check.

No matter the abuse you may go through, do not react. Find sources of healing, support groups. Learn about meditation. See a counselor.  Don’t act out, but don’t keep it bottled in. There are people you can talk to. Just don’t let it be your ex, or your children.

Never act out in any abusive form. Mentally or Physically. No matter how big and bad you think you are. If you can’t control your anger and realize how much that could negatively impact your children if they witnessed it, you will end up in a very dark place.

Embrace and love your children every chance you get.

Never speak negatively of their mother in front of them. No matter what they repeat to you that may have come from her mouth. Respectively address it via some sort of correspondence with her and ask her to correct it with your children. Do your best to articulate to your children that it isn’t true, but never call her a liar. Keep their happiness and wellbeing a priority throughout these kinds of conversations.

If you have to pay child support. Who cares. Pay it. Is not paying a few hundred bucks a month worth risking seeing your child at all because of your reaction to having to pay it? If it is…

Create goals for yourself that better your life. Career goals, health goals. Focus on becoming the best person you can be.

If you have ever acted towards your ex in a way that if a man acted that way towards your sister or mother you would have been extremely upset and confronted them; seek help. There is an underlying issue there, not only for the courts, but for yourself.

Do not claim victim. Immediately humble yourself and start the processing of obtaining peace and happiness.

Her new boyfriend threatened to beat you up? You know you could beat the hell out of him… Don’t. There are other means to addressing this that set a much better “I will not tolerate this kind of bullshit in my children’s lives” message to her.

Don’t fake being a good person to prove to the courts that you are a loving father. Truly become a good person, develop the skills necessary to make yourself such a good person that it makes you a happy person. That there is nothing false about the man you have become. You are stronger for it, not weaker.

Look at this process optimistically. This is your opportunity to seek a better future. For yourself, and for your children.

People say that if you repeat something enough times you will believe it as truth. Let your actions do this as well. Make doing good deeds a regular part of your routine, even if it’s not in front of your children. (hold the door open for people, give to charity if you can, volunteer, help people, etc…)

It truly takes a village to raise a child, be good to all of the people you love. That love will be returned 10 fold in ways you could never imagine. They will appreciate your struggle and they will provide your children with an overwhelming amount of love.

Never make a choice in your life that could negatively impact your kids. Don’t do it. There is no but, what if, or any excuses acceptable here… You met a sexy chick at the bar on your weekend off who frequently uses drugs and you want to start dating her? Don’t…  You’re invited out with some boys you used to hang out with who you regularly used to get in bar fights with? Don’t go. You drink and drive and never caught? Stop it… You think hanging out with “tough guys makes you look cool”. Get over yourself. Grow up.

The basic impulses no longer apply to you. You aren’t a man. You are a father. It’s a different breed of man. It requires a depth you never had before.

Never make an impulsive decision of any kind. Weigh out all the negatives and positives and then form your opinion and act. Do this for everything, even minor decisions like where you are going to go for dinner. Do this so much that it becomes a regular part of your decision making process.

Humbling yourself his one of the most difficult things a man can do. Some women are horrible people, just as men are. Some judges will look down on you. Midst all of the chaos that is a custody dispute you have to humble yourself. You need to shift your focus to being the best person you can be. It took me years to realize this, and quite frankly it was too late.

I never want a man to feel what I feel now.

Do it for your kids.

Signed,
A Father who lost, and learned the hardest lesson in life he ever learned.

Ladies, We Need Your Help

There are two ways of exerting one’s strength:

One is pushing down,

The other is pulling up.

Booker T. Washington

Ladies,

Usually I will post here, specifically directing my words to men, as most of what is posted here is focused on men becoming more, on working on themselves, not to impress women, but to better themselves. I have mentioned how this is a path they must walk by themselves as they take accountability for their own actions and development.

We understand how men need to be allies to women’s fight for gender equality and social justice. We see the importance of men becoming allies and taking up an active participation on women’s issues in campaigns such as #HeForShe and Man Up. We are aware of the awful statistics of what women have to deal with and have learned how men can challenge a sexist culture by simply standing up against what’s expected from them as guys.

But now, I am asking for your help as women.

All too often, society doesn’t see the flip side of the coin, as it assumes that men’s issues are reduced to men whining about not getting a date or, at best, men having unrealistic expectations placed on them due to gender stereotypes. The reality is a lot more palpable than just fighting social expectations and it’s a reality that’s killing us; sometimes metaphorically while other times literally.

Did you know that 1 in 4 men are victims of domestic violence? Did you know that 1 in 6 men are victims of sexual abuse since they are boys? Did you know that even though society admits men and women are equally capable as parents, after a divorce only 14% of men gain primary custody? And those without it, did you know they are usually only allowed to see their kids every other weekend. That’s only 4 days a month for those mathematically challenged.

Did you know that there are very few support groups and even less resources available to create awareness to issues like these or help men deal? The funny thing is that when they exist, these are under constant attack and ridicule by those unwilling to recognize the reality of many men. If you knew all of this, then it probably doesn’t surprise you that, even though suicide rates have gone down, in the case of men between the ages of 40-55, they have actually gone up. This has become such an issue that currently 80% of all suicides are committed by men.

Society as a whole is killing us and then it blames us for it.

And this is why I’m asking for your help. Men are told to look for help, but when they actually stretch out their hand looking for a life line; it’s slapped away by both other men and women who refuse to see the problem. Gender issues and challenges are treated as an open war between the sexes where each group plays up their own challenges, expecting empathy and help, while dismissing what others go through.

We need to stop viewing the world as two different worlds, but at a single world where we have both been responsible for the good and bad each gender goes through. Just as it’s important for men to become allies to women, it’s also important for women to become allies to men. For that reason, I ask for your help.

Men can’t change the world alone just as women can’t either.

A Man’s Worth

Lazy doesn't exist. Lazy is a symptom of something else. The person who can't get up off their butt is just a person who's depressed. It's usually a pervasive lack of self-worth, or a feeling of helplessness.

Jillian Michaels

Anyone who has ever had life insurance will at one time or another joke about the fact that they are probably worth more dead than alive to their family. This might sound funny, till you consider how this question is considered when reviewing possible suspects when dealing with a murder. Is the amount of money you can earn what defines your worth? Or is it more?

If Forbes is to be believed, apparently so, as their list of wealthiest people tends to be phrased as “X person is worth X amount of money.” I refuse to believe this because a man is worth more than that, a lot more. Take a moment and think what you are worth. If you have difficulty finding an answer, think of the question this way instead. If you lost everything, what would you be worth?

People usually don’t consider how easy it is too lose everything. They usually never consider this until it has already happen, as they refuse to see it happening. We see this in the case of a financial disaster, a health crisis, divorce, or a death. At that time it’s when they realize just how ephemeral everything in life is. Your business plan wasn’t as fool proof as you told yourself. Your retirement fund wasn’t as secure as you thought. Your relationship wasn’t as solid as you liked to believe. Your friends were actually your ex-wife’s friends and not yours. You’re children are not necessarily going to outlive you.

It’s at this time you will question what’s your worth. When you lose everything you thought you were, what do you have to offer those around you? If you never took the time to consider what you’re worth, do you think you will be able to do so easily at this time? Think what you can offer, as a person, to those around you. What can you offer your friends when you have nothing to offer? What can you offer yourself?

This is why self-development and self-awareness is so important. What really matters in life, money can’t buy. Sure, it’s easier to cry in a Mercedes than on a bike, but do we really need to measure our worth based on our comfort during our suffering? Can’t we think that we are worth enough to hold our self-esteem and self-worth high, even during suffering?

So, when considering your worth, consider what currency you use to measure yourself. You worth isn’t measured with money, but with character. Your worth isn’t measured in how many acquaintances you have, but how willing are your close friends to be there for you. Your worth isn’t measured on what trips you can pay to take, but how you have grown from those travels. Your worth isn’t measured by how big your house is, but if it's rather a home.

So I ask you again, how much are you worth? The answer is rather simple; as much as you chose to be worth!