Flipping The Dating Script

Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.

Scott Adams

There’s nothing as informally structured, anxiety inducing, and unnecessarily complicated within our society as dating. You would think that with the amount of people in the planet and our overtly connected society we have developed our ability to interact with the intention of sharing a life experience would be something we have down pat. What makes it even more interesting is the subjective perspective we have within the entire courtship drama that is life, as men and women assume that their gender got the short end of the dating stick.

Men assume that women are at an advantageous position when it comes to dating, where the social norms places women at an obvious advantage from their perspective. And they might be right. Men have to openly admit their interest in a Lady by making their first move. They have to pick an activity and a location they think the woman would want to do. They have to amuse, entertain, and romance her; risking rejection at every step of the way, as the entire evening becomes little more than a performance for just one judge, one single person who holds all the power… the woman sitting across the dinner table.

And they say that working for Chef Ramsay is stressful.

A man’s perspective about dating is great and all till you sit down and ask a woman her point of view, as they can clearly explain why men have the advantageous position when it comes to dating. And they might be right as well. The man can go up to a woman to ask her out, leaving the woman in a position of having to wait till he decides that he wants to. He picks the place and the time. He plans it out. And the woman is left in a passive position as the only active participation socially accepted is held by the man. If traditional dating rules are to be followed, the best they can do to during the entire situation, and even to initiate it, is to send out hints of interest and approval.

And we know just how well people in general pick up on hints.

But what if we could change this whole messy and complicated affair? What if we could hand women the power of assertiveness they complain that they don’t have within the courtship ritual? What if we could ask men not to be so controlling, allowing themselves the ability to enjoy the ride and let go of the reigns?

Guess that you can!!! Some mad genius has called out the social bullshit that men and women complain about dating by promoting for a second year in a row September as “Take a Man on a Date” month!

And I say that he is calling out the social bullshit about dating because as much as men might complain that women are on the judging table in the dating equation, nothing is as challenging to a man as taking a passive participation in anything in life. And women might complain about men having the power within the dating scene, yet very few have confronted the terrifying scenarios of possible rejections, and its accompanying self-doubt and social shaming, that come from asking someone out.

That’s the beauty of modernity… modern women are confident enough to just walk up to whoever they are interested in, and be able to ask them out! That should be a simple side effect of being a confident woman. Who cares what people think? The wonderful thing is that for this month, you can blame it on it being September.

And Gentlemen…  Modern men should be confident enough not to be intimidated by strong assertive women! Be honored and flattered is a lady comes up to ask you out. You probably are able to relate to every single thought she must have gone through before walking up to you. Don’t fall back into a judgmental or arrogant mindset, as you should be able to empathize.

And Empathy should be the most important lesson within this month. Men and women are given an opportunity to step into each others shoes (and depending on how the date does, into much more) on what each other goes through in the dating scene. React as you wish the other gender would react to you. Who knows, this might be a great opportunity for people to start treating dating as something fun.

“Where Have All The Good (Women/Men) Gone?”

Girls dream of meeting superman their whole lives, yet walk past Clark Kent every day.

Unknown

If social comments are to be believed, every single man in existence is a potential predator who has barely any control over his self-destructive bestial nature and every single woman is a soul crushing hell-spawn gold-digger. The results of these attitudes are a culture of men chanting the horrors of marriage and relationships and women shaming men on the horrors of masculinity and guys in general. And it’s easy to believe, as every man has a story about that woman who destroyed them and every woman has a story of a sociopathic guy. Get a bunch of women or men together, bring up the topic, and you will have hours upon hours of pissing contests as each one tries to one-upmanship the other’s horrors.

This conversations, so many times, is followed up with lamentations of “where have all the good women/men gone?”

Why do I bring this up? Because of an image I found online last week. It showed a sequence of pictures of a young man helping out a young woman. And that got me thinking. Almost every guy I know has at one point or another done something like this for a lady. Almost every guy I know has been helped at one point or another by a woman who’s extended their hand to help.

Maybe I have that experience because I surround myself with the right people… so I decided to post it on our Facebook and Twitter pages. The reaction was pretty much the same. My experience wasn’t exclusive to me. Apparently every woman has had those male acquaintances and every man has had those female acquaintances who proves the stereotypes wrong, why do we keep assuming that all men/women are the same, where the same being the lowest common denominator?

Because we have all become school teachers who are no longer interested in their class.

We have all lived through this, that teacher whose rule is that “all pay for that one person who messed up.” Guilt and punishment is socialized equally among a group because of that one asshole. This works in two ways. It basically serves to turn the group into the teacher’s executioners, as they band together to get even with that one person. It also serves to reinforce the idea that students need to constantly look out and condemn the negative behavior of others. There is no recognition or support from the group for positive behavior. Chastising becomes more important than helping.

It isn’t about promoting, or even recognizing, good actions. It’s about keeping bad action at bay by assuming that everyone is bad. This means that those who are genuinely bad people see nothing wrong with their behavior as they are brethren with the rest under a common stereotype. “We all do this. I am just honest enough to admit it” becomes their moto of life. If anything, this makes it harder to spot them.

On the flip side of the coin, the only good that ends up being recognized is that one exceptional person. The problem is that this one extraordinary person ends up being used as an example to shame the rest. “If he/she can do it, so can all of you” becomes a tool to punish the group. By then, everyone knows that being exceptional becomes a problem.

The funny thing is that good actions keep happening; we are just so cut up looking out for the bad ones that we miss the good. Those doing good have been taught to keep it low key as to avoid ridicule from the group. We are so expectant of someone trying to take advantage of each other that we keep missing the good people right in front of us. And when we do see the good, we are constantly expecting the “perfect” to come right around the corner.

For an instant, stop focusing on those who did you wrong, on those who made you lose faith in friends and relationships. Take a moment and think of ever every person who has been there for you, if only for an instant, even if they failed you later on. Think of how many times you took those actions for granted. Think of all the things you’ve done for others, regardless of whether they deserved it or not. Maybe if we, as a society, started focusing on the positive actions of each other and promoting the good amongst ourselves with the same ease we complain about the current state of affairs, we might end up exposing those who do wrong and promoting those who do right. Who knows, we might even help spread doing right as the right thing to do.

The Response Waiting Period

If you speak when angry, you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.

Groucho Marx

In many places, where civilians are allowed to own a firearm, the government requires that there be a waiting period between the time when the weapon is purchased and the time it’s handed over. Although this time varies from location to location, the general explanation given is so that the government can do a proper background check on the person. Yet, with today’s hyper connected society, a background check can be done almost instantaneously. Even without the government’s resources, as an individual you can Google anyone's life history in less than an hour to know what kind of a person they are. So, with that understood, why would you have to wait 24 hours, 48 hours, or even a week for a background check?

Because it’s not about doing a background check. It’s a cooling off period. It’s giving you enough time to think about why you are getting a weapon. It’s giving you enough to keep you from doing something you will regret the rest of your life. So, if we can understand the logic behind a cooling off period to keep you from your own stupidity, why don’t we use that same logic in any other moment we need to keep ourselves from “doing something you will regret the rest of your life.”

Be it your spouse, your kids, your parents, your boss, or anyone else, comes up to you with the dreaded “we need to talk,” they probably already talked about the issue with you. You just weren’t present during the discussion. We all do this, as we review how to discuss any difficult issue with someone. We review what we want to say and how we will say it. We consider any reply the person might have, practicing what our response to these comments will be. And we do this for days, even weeks. When we think we have every base covered and every scenario pre-rehearsed, we confront the person. Then, even if it took us weeks to get ready, expect the other person to be able to respond instantaneously.

And the other person probably ends up doing something stupid.

As the ability of people today to do constructive criticism has lessened, and our ability to receive ANY kind of criticism is slowly lost as a result, we will probably react to “we need to talk” as a challenge. In this case, it’s within our nature as humans to revert to a fight/flight when confronted. Your reaction will either be to win the argument, however possible, or to run away from it, again however possible. By this time, the conversation has turned into a win/lose situation, where it stops being about understanding, reviewing what is being called out, or even finding common ground.

As communication and openness is crucial in any social interaction, how do you handle this kind of situation, how do you keep it from turning into a power struggle? First, the person bringing up the issue, the one who had enough time to prepare for the exchange, has to give the other person the same consideration of time to review the issues brought up. Second, the person on the receiving end has to listen and consider just what is brought up, not as an attack, but as something they might not have considered.

All Relationship, be it familiar, friendships, romantic, or even business, must be about a balance and a partnership. It should never be a power struggle where one dominates the other. It should be about creating an environment where both persons benefit from each other. By giving a person the space to explain what they are going though and how they feel, you are offering them respect. By giving the person the time to consider what was told to them, you are offering them understanding.

And isn’t that what all relationships should be about? Respect and understanding?

The Most Important Questions A Husband Can Ask

A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short.

Andre Maurois

Let me start by saying how surprised I was with some of the results of the ongoing survey about social skills, specifically the fact that most of our readers are actually married. I was surprised mainly because most of the gentlemen I work with are either young men looking to define themselves or men looking to redefine themselves after a divorce. The survey is already bearing fruits.

That said, one of the main issues most spouses have, or at least the most common complaint about husbands, is the lack of communication and openness with their partner. This is perfectly understandable considering the work focused generation that came before us, men who closed themselves out, working from sun up to sun down while becoming absentee members of a family whose main purpose was that of a provider. Anyone who grew up within that environment knows what I’m talking about, a husband and a father figure who was more symbolic than in actual participation. The irony was most of these same husbands would then feel unappreciated or disconnected from the very family they shut out. If there is any question as to how much damage this lifestyle does to a man, consider that the highest rate of alcoholism and suicide within our society are men between 40-60 years old.

Society has changed as both men and women share the financial burden and the household chores. They both participate in raising children as men become every day more and more involved with their kid’s life. Yet, this defensive “shelling in” attitude that most men have, especially when speaking with their spouse, is still alive and well.

Considering that your significant other is basically your partner, the person whom you trust enough to spend your life with, how can you start opening up those channels of communications in an honest manner? You and your spouse should trust each other enough to be able to talk to each other, yet for some men it’s easier for them to deal with medieval torture than it is to deal with talking to their partner. Keep in mind that if you don’t trust your spouse to be open with them or your spouse doesn’t trust you, you have bigger issues than just communication.

So, how do you break that cycle of the "recluse man" society has ingrained into our psyche? It’s not easy, so I am not going to lie to you. Opening up to someone after so many years of shutting people out based on a self-preservation instinct is a challenge. Showing “weakness” (society has told men that openness IS weakness) to the very person you have to show how strong you are for them isn’t a simple task. There is a rather simple hack you can do to get the ball rolling, a trick you can try today if you want to.

At some point when you see your spouse today, place everything on hold. Make sure the kids are in bed (if you have kids), there is no impending crisis to be dealt with, and no other random interruption to pop up. Look at the person and ask them a simple question.

How was your day?

Then, listen. Listen intently at the person who you promised to spend the rest of your days with. Listen as if your relationship depended on it. Listen as if they were the only person in the world for that moment. Because the reality is, that your relationship depends on it. It depends on the fact that you care enough to actually care how they feel, what they go through every day, no matter how inconsequential anyone else might think it is.

“I love you” simply lets the other person know something. You are telling them about you. But a true sign of love isn’t about telling something to someone, but about caring enough to listen to someone.

While listening, DON’T try to give solutions. This isn’t about giving your opinion or trying to fix a problem. It’s about a person sharing who they are, opening up, to the person they will spend the rest of their days with.  And sooner than later, you will notice how you will be able to stand in front of your spouse and actually answer that question yourself.