Between a Gentleman, a White Knight, and a Dragon.

There are only two forces in the world, the sword and the spirit. In the long run the sword will always be conquered by the spirit.

-Napoleon Bonaparte-

I remember as a boy seeing my grandfather always wearing a medallion of St. George around his neck. When I asked about it, he proceeded to tell me how Georgius, a Roman Soldier, saved Emperor Diocletian’s young wife Alexandra from a Dragon; and for that he became a Saint. Maybe he noticed my confused face, or realized just how strange it must have sounded when he told the story out loud.

He became a Saint because he killed a dragon? But dragons aren’t real.

He smiled, as he did every time he would hit me with some great wisdom.

Dragons are real. We all have them inside our hearts. It’s our job to defeat our own dragon. That’s why I have this medallion so close to my heart, to help me fight my dragon.

At the time I didn’t really understand the depth of the comment. It was later, as I grew older, that it began to make sense. All men are capable of great things and all men are capable of horrible things. The monsters of legends are not vile creatures made up of nightmares, but men who have gone down a less than noble path. 

We see men wanting to be the hero of their stories, justifying their actions with noble excuses. Yet when you look at their real intentions, there is little more than arrogance, greed, or pettiness. Others think they deserve applause and adulations simply because they did a good act. You can tell who these men are based on their everyday actions. These are the men who use manners to “impress” women, and get offended when it’s not recognized. They are the men who act “morally” expecting some kind of reward at the end of their lives.

I am sorry, but if your intentions are not noble, neither are your action.

Being a Gentleman is about discipline, about self-control. It’s about doing actions because it’s the right thing to do. It’s about being a better man, for no other reason than just being a better man.

It’s about defeating your Dragon.

The line between Confidence and Arrogance is not that thin.

I have heard this a thousand times, and have mistakenly repeated it hundreds of times. 

The difference between confidence and Arrogance is a thin line.

As I have said before, one of the advantages of writing about your thoughts, your ideals, and your values is that you are forced to define them in black and white. This means you have to evaluate them, consider other perspectives and opinions, and accept that you don’t know everything.

Confidence is one of those topics.

The truth is that the difference between Confidence and Arrogance is insecurity, be it your own or the other persons. Confidence is believing in yourself, believing you are a better person today than you were yesterday. Arrogance, on the other hand, is believing you are better than others. Notice that it’s about comparing against other people to make yourself feel good. It’s about minimizing the value of others. It’s about compensating your own insecurities.

There is another side to arrogance that most people don’t consider, and it is perceived arrogance. Some people might think of confident people as arrogant, not because the person is actually arrogant. They project their own insecurities and try to minimize that person’s confidence. Again, it’s about insecurities.

Just make sure you become a better man than you were before. Confidence will come naturally.

The Societal Gent and the Contemporary Woman, A Guide to Making 'It' Work.

Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what it was, nor forward to what it might be, but living in the present and accepting it as it is now.

Anne Morrow Lindbergh

After writing The Old-School Gentleman and the Modern Independent Woman, the reaction it caused caught me by complete surprise. I expected people to like it, but being such a niche topic I assumed it would get the usual reaction from the usual people. Apparently there are way more Classic Gentlemen attracted to modern Women and Modern Women looking for Gentlemen that what I expected. And I was happy and content with the world for a moment, till I came to the realization that I should do a follow-up. But about what, what is that great divide between the “The Casanova and the Bitch”, as one of my readers so eloquently put it? 

And it was clear. Before we could continue, we need a set of guidelines, of ground rules so that everyone is on the same page. The biggest issue I have seen with both, Gents and Ladies, is how set they are in their ways, because it’s exactly those ways that define them. So understanding each other will lead to a better relationship.

To achieve that common empathy, I have developed a series of ten guidelines for relationships between The Old-School Gentleman (here on referred to as Gents) and the Modern Independent Woman (here on referred to as MIW); four are common for both although for different reasons, and three for each person. Keep in mind that these are only guidelines and not rules. Use common sense when considering how these apply to your own personal situation. That being said, let’s get started.

General guides for the relationship in general:

1.      You are equals.

Too many relationships out there are based on one person being the protagonist and the other person being a supporting cast, one is the Alpha and the other the Omega, the Leader and the Follower, the Giver and the Taker. Not here. Both are equals and they should treat each other that way. If one starts viewing the other as a “follower”, it will be treated as an insult to their character.

2.      Don’t try to change the other person to suite you wants.

Both, the Gents and the MIW’s have dealt with a world trying to get them to stop being who they are. Instead of deterring their ways, these challenges have actually made them stronger in who they are. What defines them as who they are is a result of overcoming these very challenges. So you think that trying to change their core character is a good idea? Then you have never seen stubbornness to an extreme.

3.      Never assume the other person “needs” you.

As I mentioned in the previous article, relationships based on the idea that one person needs to be with the other breeds contempt and codependency. You might think this is a pretty common concept that applies to every relationship, but it actually is more acute here. The self-confidence both of these people have means they are not frightened of getting out of the relationship.

Ladies, there is a phrase the man you are dating holds dear, “A gentleman makes other women jealous of his girl.” It defines how he will treat you, how he carries himself, and why you don’t have to be jealous. The flip side is there are plenty women who have seen how he treats you, and are more than willing to take your place the moment you drop him.

Gentlemen, the reason why these women are called Modern Independent Women is because they are “Independent.” They’d rather be alone that in a bad relationship. They have no fear of being on their own, and know just how strong they are. Some even prefer to be alone than in a relationship.

4.      Trust each other to have your back.

One of the biggest relationship killers are the inability of one person to count on another. This is not so with the Gentleman and the Modern woman, but for completely different reasons.

Ladies, every gentleman out there searches of the moment when he can drop everything and rise as the Gallant Knight for our Paramour. Daemons tremble at the sight of the righteous man marching to battle. We live for days like that, the days where we are confronted by a challenge and by the strength of our virtue, we emerge victorious. (Yes, we are all melodramatic Warrior-Poets at heart.)

Gentleman, nothing is more frightening, and in a strange way alluring, as a Modern Independent Woman with her Bitch Switch flipped into overdrive. “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” Keep in mind she is not “defending her man”, but has taken the problem as a personal offense. And we all know what happens to anyone who attacks a Modern Independent Woman at a personal level.

Cautionary tale.

Trying to call back the dogs of war you unleashed by bringing in your partner is not an easy task. Although neither will become violent and crass, they have too much class for that, what will happen is they will become cold, and calculating, and will not stop till they are victoriously standing over the dead carcase of a defeated opponent, whoever opponent it might be. Remember this if you ever get any funny ideas.

General guides for the Old-School Gentleman:

5.      Don’t try to solve her life.

This will be one of the biggest challenges the Gentleman will face when dealing with the Modern Independent Woman. One of the main characteristics that define her is her ability to handle herself. Sometimes “helping” her out is actually insulting. As I mentioned before, she is not a Princess who needs saving but a Queen to rule by your side.

6.      Don’t “buy” her affection.

Gentlemen, I know we try to show our affection with details. And they will show these affections as much as possible. We live for that. The problem is that these women are tired of dealing with guys who have tried to “buy” them before, with drinks or dates or gifts. She doesn’t need your gifts, just your attention and loyalty.

7.      Give her space.

Again, as Gentlemen we pride ourselves in the attentions and affections we might give our lady. And again, this sounds a lot nicer in theory than it does in practicality. The Modern Independent Woman enjoys her autonomy, so overdoing the attention aspect might smother her.

General guides for the Modern Independent Woman:

8.      You don’t always have to be right.

I understand that you have fought most of your life for respect, to have your voice heard. The unfortunate side-effect of this struggle is you view most discussions as a conflict, where the line between being right and winning is rather thin. Remember, the gentleman was smart enough to want to be with you, he might be smart enough to be right about some other things as well.

9.      Chivalry is so rare today, sometimes it’s confused with Flirting.

One of the most important characteristics of a Gentleman is his loyalty. So if he holds a door open for another woman, he offers a woman his coat, or maybe he simply behaving like he usually does, it’s not that he is flirting. He is and will always be a Gentleman. People today are just not used to someone being a Better Man.

10.  Recognize his actions.

This is somewhat tricky to explain. Being a gentleman usually causes some kind of reaction, be it from people approving or criticizing such behavior. We don’t do it for praise, but because it is who we are. It’s not that you “need to let him be the man”, like so many people advice women. It’s that dismissing his actions and not recognizing his efforts can be viewed as indifference in your part. And indifference is actually the worst offense you can offer a Gentleman.

Shaming Casanova. What I learned from years of being Slut-Shamed.

My duty as a gentleman has never interfered with my pleasures in the smallest degree.

Oscar Wilde

Slut.

Whore. 

The only intention for these words to exist is to control a woman by shaming her with her sexuality and make her feel inferior as a human being. The idea is to guilt her into dressing how you want, restrict her access to birth control, to punish her for having premarital sex, or, at its most horrible aspect, to take the blame away from the attacker and punish the victim of a sexual assault. We usually see slut-shaming used to bully women for owning their sexuality, for choosing  how they dress, who they hang out with, or who they sleep with. 

But men? Men can’t be slut-shamed. Guys are players by nature, right? We hold as a badge of honor all our sexual encounters; hold as our champions the guy with the most notches on his bedpost. Since nice girls would never give in to us, it’s our obligation to “convince” them otherwise. Am I right? Not really. 

A real gentleman dedicates all his attentions to a single woman, showing her absolute affection and attention. That’s how a real man acts. That is the only acceptable attitude a good man should have towards women. So go out and find yourself that single woman, or else you’ll never be a real gentleman. Now I’m right, right? Not really either. 

Disclaimer: I want to make some things absolutely clear. Shaming in any form is simply wrong. How a person leads her life, as long as it does not hurt others, is none of your business. People should never use sex as a substitute for confidence or self-esteem, either. Also, before this even comes up, I hold no respect for the “Pick-Up Artists” (PUA) community. These are broken little boys who have no respect for themselves or women. I have already expressed my opinion of this cheap imitation of manhood here, so if you are interested, give it a read later on.

Let me start out with the not so obvious. Men have always been slut-shamed, just in a different way. Look at history, how society tends to view romancers. Men like Giacomo Casanova and Oscar Wilde were accused as corruptors of the youth and damagers of the virtues of women. Both were forced to flee more than once, live in exile, haunted by lost lovers, and hunted by jealous husbands. Their only sin was to live intensely. They were hedonists looking for enlightenment. And for that, Casanova’s name would forever be tainted with everything that is wrong with the womanizing ways of men. 

So why is it ok for a woman to be empowered by her sexuality, yet a man can’t? Why can’t a man be fascinated with the “fairer” sex without being condemned into the same cesspool as “pick-up” artists and douchbags? Women want a man who knows how to inspire passion within their bodies, their hearts, and their mind, yet how do they react when confronted with such a man? He is dismissed as a player. And this is especially true if the gentleman in question has a “reputation”. 

As a young artist, I found my muse in women. Lines were smoother and brush strokes were flowing. For me it was not about sex that drew me in, but about drowning my senses in their femininity. Nothing caught my attention faster than the sound of High heels on marble floors. Nothing made me breath deeper than the scent of perfume in the air. Nothing filled me with inspiration faster than the hinted smile that escapes a woman’s controlled facade. 

That led me to develop a “reputation” during my teens and early twenties. Phrases like “You are trouble in all the right ways” might have sounded like a complement at first, but I soon learned to dread them. I was labeled with a stamp as obvious as the Scarlet letter of old, and whatever I did from that moment on was assumed to be part of some imaginary game. "Is he a womanizer because of insecurities?" "It's that he is secretly gay." "He hates women, that's it" I was confronted with all kinds of absurd accusations. You might think the easy solution would have been to “stop being a man-whore”. Sounds simple enough, I just had to change who I am to make others happy. Because that seems to work great every time. 

After a while, I just gave up, and simply embraced the role that was thrust on my lap. I was tired of trying to prove to everyone that the stories where not true. And you know what? It was liberating. I had never given up my moral or my ethics, but I refuse to try to live up to the molds set up by others. I was still a Gentleman, just a gentleman who enjoyed life. It took me a while to make peace with it. I hung out with people with reputations just as bad as my own; the artists, the dancers, the misfits, the musicians, the writers, you know, the true rebels of society. And it was a hell of a ride. During the time it took me to make peace with myself, I learned a few helpful lessons, some good and some bad, that I now hand over to you.

1.  You will be made feel that you deserve a horrible life because, you know, Karma is a Bitch.

It will always be assumed that you leave a trail of broken hearts and shattered women in your wake. Most people will assume you are a lying manipulator because, in their small world, there is no way you could attract women without tricks. Any complement will be seen as suspicious, and any noble act will have questionable intentions. They will rejoice in your misery and will be angered with whatever success you have. So after a while you might think you deserve whatever bad comes your way. If you are not hurting anyone, why do you need to hurt yourself?

2.  People will attack you just to feel better about themselves.

You are seen as scum by some people. So these same people will think it’s perfectly acceptable, and even morally required, to use you as a step ladder. They will feel better about themselves every time they hurt you, since you ARE the devil incarnate in their eyes.

3.  People will be incredulous of everything, except rumors. Those are always true.

Think about it. Have you ever tried to convince someone about something you did, or didn’t do? Have you ever tried to prove a point with facts? Now try to do that when people automatically think you are lying. People will refuse to believe anything and everything, except when it’s some wild accusation or rumor, spouted by someone who has no facts or proof to back it up. People will believe THAT, because it’s easier to believe bullshit stories.

4.   Your friend’s Girlfriends will hate you.

They will see you as a dangerous threat, more so than any woman hitting on “their man”. They will view you as a bad influence, as the main reason their partner might stray. To them, you are constantly tempting their boyfriends with offerings of easy women and stripper clubs, even if you've never been to one. Nothing will strike fear into their hearts as “Guy’s night” where you are involved.

5.  You will be expected to accept however badly your girlfriend treats you.

So you settled into a relationship. The lady IS doing you a favor by simply being by your side, because you know you don’t deserve a “Nice” Woman. You WILL be reminded of all the insinuations and accusations she will have to deal with, all your lies and cheating, and whatever it is that the PUA guys do. The fact that you don’t do any of that is irrelevant, and you should just be thankful she even paid attention to you to begin with. Right?

6.  You will attract women for all the wrong reasons.

For all the stories and myths that develop beyond whatever reality might be, you will notice how some women will actually seek you out. It’s not that they want to know you as a person, or they are genuinely interested in you, or that they see past the rumors. They just want to know if the rumors were true and have a story to tell their girlfriends. Since you will “chase after” every single woman out there, the fact that you might not be interested in them will be seen as a personal attack and insult to her.

7.  Nothing says "Gay-Man" like being attracted to women.

Maybe it’s the idea that some men hide their sexual insecurities behind womanizing, maybe it’s the guys envious of the stories they heard, maybe it was the women you rejected in item 6, or maybe it was that you could care less about the sexual orientation of your friends, so for you there is no such thing as "gay" friends but rather just friends. For whatever reason it was, you will hear accusations of being gay. LOTS OF THEM. But never from gay people, just from uptight repressed "straight" people.

8.   You will learn to avoid making judgment calls and learn to accept everyone as is.

After living under social scrutiny, judgmental stares, and hypocrisy; you realize that every time you do the same to others, you become what you hate. As soon as you remove that “holier than thou” attitude, you learn to view everyone as your equal. You will realize that nobody is beneath you or above you. Some of the most interesting people in the world are those cast out by the mainstream crowd. These people chose to follow their own path, or were able to survive the path thrown to them by life. Learn from them and learn from their struggle. They will teach you how to live with your cracks and scars as badges of pride.

9.  “Fuck It” is an absolutely acceptable response.

People will talk about you, people will judge you, and people will hate you for no apparent reason. This will eat you inside and destroy your soul if you let it. That’s till you understand that if you remove the sense of injury, you remove the ability of others offending you. Trust me; you will lead a fuller life than those who chose to judge others instead of living.

10.  And as a last note, I leave you with the most important lesson of all, one that you have to carry with you every day, and most fill everything you do. The greatest gift you can offer anyone is to treat them with Dignity and the greatest complement anyone can pay you is a Sincere Smile.