Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what it was, nor forward to what it might be, but living in the present and accepting it as it is now.
Anne Morrow Lindbergh
After writing The
Old-School Gentleman and the Modern Independent Woman, the reaction it
caused caught me by complete surprise. I expected people to like it, but being
such a niche topic I assumed it would get the usual reaction from the usual
people. Apparently there are way more Classic Gentlemen attracted to modern Women and Modern Women looking for Gentlemen that what I expected. And I was happy and content with the world for a moment,
till I came to the realization that I should do a follow-up. But about what, what
is that great divide between the “The Casanova and the Bitch”, as one of my
readers so eloquently put it?
And
it was clear. Before we could continue, we need a set of guidelines, of ground
rules so that everyone is on the same page. The biggest issue I have seen with
both, Gents and Ladies, is how set they are in their ways, because it’s exactly
those ways that define them. So understanding each other will lead to a better
relationship.
To
achieve that common empathy, I have developed a series of ten guidelines for
relationships between The Old-School Gentleman (here on referred to as Gents) and
the Modern Independent Woman (here on referred to as MIW); four are common for
both although for different reasons, and three for each person. Keep in mind
that these are only guidelines and not rules. Use common sense when considering
how these apply to your own personal situation. That being said, let’s get
started.
General guides for the relationship in general:
1.
You are
equals.
Too many
relationships out there are based on one person being the protagonist and the
other person being a supporting cast, one is the Alpha and the other the Omega,
the Leader and the Follower, the Giver and the Taker. Not here. Both are equals
and they should treat each other that way. If one starts viewing the other as a “follower”, it will
be treated as an insult to their character.
2.
Don’t try
to change the other person to suite you wants.
Both, the Gents and
the MIW’s have dealt with a world trying to get them to stop being who they
are. Instead of deterring their ways, these challenges have actually made them
stronger in who they are. What defines them as who they are is a result of
overcoming these very challenges. So you think that trying to change their core
character is a good idea? Then you have never seen stubbornness to an extreme.
3.
Never
assume the other person “needs” you.
As I mentioned in the
previous article, relationships based on the idea that one person needs to be
with the other breeds contempt and codependency. You might think this is a
pretty common concept that applies to every relationship, but it actually is
more acute here. The self-confidence both of these people have means they are
not frightened of getting out of the relationship.
Ladies, there is a phrase
the man you are dating holds dear, “A
gentleman makes other women jealous of his girl.” It defines how he will
treat you, how he carries himself, and why you don’t have to be jealous. The
flip side is there are plenty women who have seen how he treats you, and are
more than willing to take your place the moment you drop him.
Gentlemen, the reason
why these women are called Modern Independent Women is because they are
“Independent.” They’d rather be alone that in a bad relationship. They have no
fear of being on their own, and know just how strong they are. Some even prefer
to be alone than in a relationship.
4.
Trust each
other to have your back.
One of the biggest
relationship killers are the inability of one person to count on another. This
is not so with the Gentleman and the Modern woman, but for completely different
reasons.
Ladies, every
gentleman out there searches of the moment when he can drop everything and rise as
the Gallant Knight for our Paramour. Daemons tremble at the sight of the
righteous man marching to battle. We live for days like that, the days where we
are confronted by a challenge and by the strength of our virtue, we emerge
victorious. (Yes, we are all melodramatic Warrior-Poets at heart.)
Gentleman, nothing is
more frightening, and in a strange way alluring, as a Modern Independent Woman
with her Bitch Switch flipped into overdrive. “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”
Keep in mind she is not “defending her man”, but has taken the problem as a
personal offense. And we all know what happens to anyone who attacks a Modern
Independent Woman at a personal level.
Cautionary tale.Trying to call back the dogs of war you unleashed by bringing in your partner is not an easy task. Although neither will become violent and crass, they have too much class for that, what will happen is they will become cold, and calculating, and will not stop till they are victoriously standing over the dead carcase of a defeated opponent, whoever opponent it might be. Remember this if you ever get any funny ideas.
General guides for the Old-School Gentleman:
5.
Don’t try
to solve her life.
This will be one of
the biggest challenges the Gentleman will face when dealing with the Modern
Independent Woman. One of the main characteristics that define her is her
ability to handle herself. Sometimes “helping” her out is actually insulting.
As I mentioned before, she is not a Princess who needs saving but a Queen to
rule by your side.
6.
Don’t
“buy” her affection.
Gentlemen, I know we
try to show our affection with details. And they will show these affections as
much as possible. We live for that. The problem is that these women are tired
of dealing with guys who have tried to “buy” them before, with drinks or dates
or gifts. She doesn’t need your gifts, just your attention and loyalty.
7.
Give her
space.
Again, as Gentlemen we
pride ourselves in the attentions and affections we might give our lady. And
again, this sounds a lot nicer in theory than it does in practicality. The
Modern Independent Woman enjoys her autonomy, so overdoing the attention aspect
might smother her.
General guides for the Modern Independent Woman:
8.
You don’t
always have to be right.
I understand that you
have fought most of your life for respect, to have your voice heard. The
unfortunate side-effect of this struggle is you view most discussions as a
conflict, where the line between being right and winning is rather thin.
Remember, the gentleman was smart enough to want to be with you, he might be
smart enough to be right about some other things as well.
9.
Chivalry
is so rare today, sometimes it’s confused with Flirting.
One of the most
important characteristics of a Gentleman is his loyalty. So if he holds a door
open for another woman, he offers a woman his coat, or maybe he simply behaving
like he usually does, it’s not that he is flirting. He is and will always be a
Gentleman. People today are just not used to someone being a Better Man.
10.
Recognize
his actions.
This is somewhat tricky to
explain. Being a gentleman usually causes some kind of reaction, be it from
people approving or criticizing such behavior. We don’t do it for praise, but
because it is who we are. It’s not that you “need to let him be the man”, like
so many people advice women. It’s that dismissing his actions and not
recognizing his efforts can be viewed as indifference in your part. And
indifference is actually the worst offense you can offer a Gentleman.
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