More Than Just Words

The measure of a man's character is what he would do if he knew he never would be found out.

Thomas Babington Macaulay

As of late, there has been a rise in the amount of Men’s Empowerment and Gentlemen Motivational groups and workshops. And this is a wonderful thing as it helps spread out the word that character and morals are important within a man’s life. With our casual access to social media, pages similar to this one help guide men who’ve lost their way back in the right path. They serve as a North Star off which men can cast their own route to becoming better men.  Unfortunately, the same popularity that has brought together men searching for ways to become better men has also attracted plenty of lesser men with ulterior motives.

You would think that a message of “Men of Character” or “True Gentleman” would scare off the daring of plagiarists and hypocrites feeding their vanity through the modern social media currency of likes, shares, and followers.  Personal experience has proven the contrary as I already mentioned once before.  The problem is how as of late, this movement has also started to attract the vultures, those unethical sites and motivators looking to profit by exploiting the weak.

Let me make it perfectly clear, there is nothing wrong with someone charging for sharing their knowledge. There is nothing wrong for profiting from your own efforts. If you work for it, you might as well get paid for it. And that’s OK. We all have bills to pay and mouths to feed. “Monetizing” isn’t a bad word.

My problem is when I find “Gentlemen” Coaches plagiarizing the work of other gentlemen pages and selling it as their own. Even more amazing is the laziness of their actions, as they will take content and graphics straight from the original site and simply crop out the logo. You would think that selling lessons in character and integrity would have rubbed off on the teacher.

And Gentlemen sites aren’t the only ones affected with this practice.

You might have noticed that as soon as you get a cool quote popping up on your social media feed, about 10 minutes later you will see the same quote pasted on about 5 different memes from like minded sites. Again, you would think that sites promoting integrity would be above acts of moral turpitude, or would at the very least understand the concept of “clean hands.”

You see, when your moral integrity is questionable ANY words you state have no value, as you have already been proven to be untrustworthy. Stealing someone’s intellectual property and then sell it forward as your own pretty much invalidates any claim you might have towards words like Character and Integrity.

Give The Young And Foolish Some Room To Grow

Experience is the hardest kind of teacher. It gives you the test first and the lesson afterward.

Oscar Wilde

As I look back at my youth, I usually end up with the same conclusion: “the fact that I survived into adulthood is amazing.” Regrets? I’m not sure I would call them regrets. All the foolish mistakes, wild adventures, and dumb decision I made growing up made me into the man I am today. If I’m completely honest, whatever wisdom I have now at this age is thanks to having been foolish during my youth. And then I look upon today’s youth and become saddened, not because of how they are, but rather because of how we are as parents.

My youth was made up off broken bones and a heart broken enough times to fill a Victorian library. It was made up of scars, physical and psychological, and enough secrets kept from the authority figures around me that I would have made any Italian Mobster proud. I learned that the world could be beautiful and devastating, uplifting and unforgiving, all at the same time. I took enough risks to believe myself invincible, yet the simplest things like walking up to a cute girl were terrifying. And it was all glorious, or at least as glorious as a tragic accident where the people involved survived could be.

It taught me that unknown roads lead to adventures, and adventures lead to unbelievable stories. It taught me that the only way I would to be heard was to speak up. It taught me that risk sometimes pans out while other times it meant getting hurt. And it taught me that with enough time, you can get over getting hurt. Scars meant bragging rights, respect can be earned by standing up for yourself, and knowing how to keep a secret forged loyalties.

Then I look at myself as a parent, as I know that my kids are now learning all those same lessons, and I find myself dealing with the personal terror of “letting go of the bike even if it means your kid falls down.”  We tend want to keep our kids safe, take on the world’s horrors and dangers for them. We want to keep them safe while at the same time provide them the best tools for them to make something out of themselves. But are we really providing them the best tools when we never let them learn how to use these tools? No matter how many times my martial arts maestro told me to keep my guard up, I never really did it till after I got hit… hard…  several times… on the face.

People don’t learn by being told what to do, but rather by being allowed to do.  They’ll learn even when they fail. This is especially true when they also learn what can go wrong by not doing. The lessons you learn best are usually the one that cost you. Yet we constantly try to keep our kids from learning that way, in a misguided sense of parental protection.

You can’t complain about a man who doesn’t know how to basic car maintenance, when you bought him a new car when he was 16. You can’t complain about a man who doesn’t know how to keep up a house if you never asked him to even take care of his room. You can’t complain about a man who’s entitled if you constantly keep bailing him out of trouble. We can’t really complain about men who can’t handle life’s challenges without calling out a parent who never let the kid face challenges by himself.

So, what can you do to prepare your kid for a stern world? All you can do is mentor them and become an example for them to emulate. All you can do is provide them with the tools they might need along their way. And at the end, all you can do is really hope it was enough and pray for the best while trying to be emotionally ready to let them learn from their mistakes.

The Rise Of Strong Women, Fall Of Soft Men, And Return Of Gentlemen

In soft regions are born soft men.

Herodotus

A few days ago, a video popped up within my media feed, an editorial closing, posing a question that keeps popping up, especially from the lips of women; “Have men become too soft?”

The presenter mentioned several causes for the rise of these “soft” men. Was it the wussification of men, as so many want to allege? Maybe everything would be solved if we could just get men to toughen up. Was it the demonization of masculinity so badly that being a man is now shameful? Maybe everything would be solved if men would start being proud of being manly. I don’t think either attitude will solve the issue.

At the end, she did mention what could be the key cause and actual solution to the problem. “Teach your sons to be men, because the women of the world are tired of the boys.” The problem was that for the longest time, society was in such a hurry to make men out of boys, that we never taught boys how to be men.

Consider that for the last couple of decades, men were told that their value as men rested on being better than other men. It rested on having financial stability through a good job; proven to the world through an expensive car and a nice house. It rested on how many women they can sleep. It rested in being able to get a beautiful wife when they finally decided to settled down. Then, it’s rested on having a family they can show off. Just consider at how we portray politicians and successful men. They stand proudly as their wife and kids become decoration around them, as proof of their stability. In the backdrop, we see either their homes or cars as prove of their wealth. The entirety of this kind of manhood rested on such a fragile foundation made up of external factors that even the most simplest of things caused their world to tumble down. This lead too many men into feel a sense of obsoleteness as soon as life threw them a curve ball.

If someone faster or stronger than him shows up, he’s no longer a man. If he became unemployed and loses his financial stability, he he’s no longer a man. If he gets shot down by a woman, he’s no longer a man. If his kids didn’t measure up to his expectations, he’s no longer a man. When you think about it, under this mentality, those things that “make him a man,” are also the biggest threat to his ideal of manhood. Unemployment, failure, divorce, “disappointing kids,” or simply being told “no” by a woman become a direct assault on their masculinity.

As a response to this attitude, we demonized manhood, or at least what was sold to us as manhood for the last few decades. Society went off chanting the damage these expectations placed on men, as we blamed everything on toxic masculinity. We did our best to swing the pendulum of manhood as far away as possible from the old traditions.  And as the pendulum started to sway away from this previous mindset, we began to praise any man who did things previously considered manly, followed up by shaming any man who expressed interest in any form of traditional masculinity. It was as if to avoid being a slave to masculinity, we now became slaves to “anti-masculinity.” Social media became flooded with men screaming “look at how sensitive I am” as if it proved to the world how they broke free from the bonds of manhood. At the same time, chivalry, and any other idea traditionally tied to masculinity, was shamed as sexist, at best, or toxic, at worse.

And then, slowly but surely, it happened.

We realized that we almost killed off what made men valuable within society and what made men of value. If before we taught men to be ethically infant brutes, now we created ethically infant milksops. We told men that the old traditions of honor and chivalry were harmful, and then wonder why men today feel like they have no purpose. We ridiculed the importance of honor, and wonder why we have men without loyalty. We demonized strength and wonder why men today have no valor. We, pretty much, castrated men as we told them how masculinity was bad, and then wonder where all the “real men” are.

In our haste to make men out of boys, we failed them twice. The first time, we failed them by creating brutes without humility, as we forgot to teach them character every time we taught them the value of strength. Then, in our attempt to fix it, we created sensitive men who were little more than useless as soon they faced a challenge. We forgot to teach them the value of determination and valor when we taught them about compassion. As some men grew disenchanted with society constantly telling them what it means to be a man, we’re now having to deal with a third group; men who are brutes in times of peace yet cowards in times of conflict, the worst of both worlds.

But fortunately, all is not lost.

Just as there has been a rise in true Strong Independent Women, men have been developing our own counterpart. We are witnessing a rise in men who’ve taken it upon themselves to bring back the old lessons personal character, to teach themselves how to be better men. These men realized that the problem wasn’t masculinity but rather everything that was edited out of masculinity. The solution didn’t lie in dismissing the lessons learned from the past, but rather taking the best lessons from the past while embracing the world of the present. Instead of ending up with the worst of both worlds, we began to strive for the best of both worlds.

In this process, men have begun to realize what manhood truly meant. It’s not about proving you’re better than other men, but about striving to be better than the man you were before. It’s about being able to stand before a challenge and push yourself. It’s not about making money, but about making a difference. It’s not about having a job, but about having the work ethic to get things done. It’s not about owning a house or having a wife and family. It’s about making a home, being a good husband and an involved dad.

Men have realized that it’s you should never become either a brute or a meek man exclusively. Instead, we are now seeing men who used to be brutes, yet strive to find their compassion and humility. We see men who used to be meek developing their determination and being empowered by the strength that comes from valor. It’s about growing stronger AND softer, and yet never compromising either. These men have taught themselves these lessons, and more importantly, are teaching these lessons to the next generation of men. And for the first time in a long time, we are seeing a rebirth of mentorship, as society is finally waking up to the importance of men becoming proper role models for boys, as they teach through example.

For now, we are few, but every day we are more. We are the modern Lancelots and Galahads, the new errant knights, who realized that we could be more than what society sold to us as manhood. We are the new philosophers, poets, and the warriors, as we try to bring back honor by reforging masculinity. We are the new Gentlemen of the Modern World.

And to the ladies having a hard time finding us, the worthwhile men … If it’s any consolation, men are having just a hard time trying to find the worthwhile ladies as well. Quality isn’t that common.

Hold On To That Instant

I believe enlightenment or revelation comes in daily life. I look for joy, the peace of action. You need action.

Pablo Coelho

A long time ago, when I was in my early twenties, I went through a really bad break up. For what seemed an eternity to me, and probably even longer for my friends trying to cheer me up, life just seemed dull and meaningless. The guy known for his hopeless optimism and constant sarcastic humor was gone, replaced by an angst melodramatic shell of a person. That was till I was almost run over by a car.

Bare with me…I promise there’s a moral to the story.

As I was crossing a local street without taking the proper precautions, I ended up in the path of a minivan. A second of tire screeching turned into an overly concerned lady apologizing for almost hitting me. I told her not to worry, that everything was fine and I was fine. And I smiled that half cocked smile of the overly confident smart ass I was back then (and still am today).

And for an instant, I realized I WAS fine. Everything suddenly fell into place as for an instant the universe, or at least my universe, made sense. It was like if someone finally pulled the blinds and I could see all the things I was previously stumbling over within the darkness.

I would love to end this story with the notion that from that instant forth, I was blessed with endless enlightenment, but those would be lies. The reality is that from the moment it happened, that light, slowly without my notice, started to fade away as I fell into old habits and old patterns.

I’ve been visited by similar instances several other times in my life. The only difference is that now I know that they are fleeting. So what I have done is to learn from those insights, squeeze them dry of any and all self-realization, extend their revelations as long as possible, and create a mental map of where I am, for those times when I find myself lost in darkness.

We are all gifted with those instants within our lives, and it’s usually when we need them the most. It’s in those moments when you find yourself lost, when you simply resign to stumble across life, that we accidentally end up pulling down the blinds from the windows. Call it a moment of clarity, self-realization, or enlightenment from above speaking to you, it’s an instant that provides you the knowledge you need to get back up, take a deep breath, and keep walking forward. Embrace it, relish it, and learn from it, for in that instant you will realize that you ARE fine. And you’ll realize that you can again smile that cocky smile of the confident man you are.

It’s Called A Partnership For A Reason

A man with dreams needs a woman with vision.

Unknown

Back in college, during a lecture on how to manage Architectural Firms, one of my old mentors shared with us the secret to finding good business partners. Instead of gravitating to like-talented professionals, you should try to find your counterparts. If you’re good at designing, the others must be good at production. If you’re good at marketing, the others must be good in accounting. You might have the best product in the world, but without someone to sell it, it’s useless. You might have the best hustlers in the world, but without something to sell… you get the idea. When you understand how each person contributes to the partnership, you understand where you have duplicated efforts, what bases are left uncovered, and if you have expendable freeloaders. Only when you can cover all the bases between all the partners, can a business be stable and successful.

He concluded the lesson by emphasizing how this mentality goes into any partnerships, especially marriage.

We live in a society that promotes self-reliance and autonomy. We are grilled by life into avoiding at all cost relying on others; all thanks to failed group projects, bad roommate arrangements, and the ever constant posts about life’s “givers and takers” or about “reachers and settlers.” By the time when we’ve been properly indoctrinated into a self-sufficient mind set, we end up unable to understand why marriage is so difficult.

During that entire process of independence, we’re never taught to open up to others or to actually trust and depend on them. We are told that “love overcomes it all” as if love, a wonderfully ephemeral sentiment, was enough to overcome some very practical issues that happen within relationships.

Let me make something clear here. No matter how “complete” and well rounded you are, you have your strong points and your weaknesses. We want to believe that we’re so “complete” that sometimes being with someone with a different skill-set or a different mindset just exposes our shortcomings to ourselves, a mirror into our “weakness.” The insecurities then tend to flourish as we become defensive of our weak points or arrogant with our strengths.

You need to view your relationship like any partnership. You bring into the union your own personal weaknesses and strengths and hope they play well with those of the other person. It’s about moving past our inability to accept our short falls or dismissing our partner’s strengths. Instead, start looking at how you balance each other out and trust your partner to have your back, even if that means keeping you in check.

The dreamer needs the realist to ground him, while the realist needs the dreamer to fly. Maybe that successful person is constantly in business mode, yet what they need and crave in a life partner is a free spirit, someone that reminds them that life isn’t all work, that play is important. Maybe that “smart” person needs someone who reminds them that life can’t be overanalyzed, that some things simply are. Or that imaginative and creative person needs a pragmatic and logical partner, who can give them the necessary focus to fulfill their dreams.

It’s amusing how we are willing to understand this concept when we speak of businesses, as the social savvy marketer will partner up with the economy savvy number cruncher. Each realizes the strengths within their partner and weaknesses within themselves, so the power and command constantly shifts and flows between them depending of the situation and the needs. If this is so easy to understand as a concept when dealing with business partnerships, why is it such a hard concept to embrace when speaking of romantic partnerships?

We don’t need someone to complete who we are within a relationship. We need someone to complete the relationship based on who we are. We need a partner who can pick up the slack left by our own weaknesses, helping us to excel in our strengths. We need a partner, who can see what we can’t see, who can give a different perspective than the one we have. And we need to trust this person to hold their end of the bargain and that is willing to let us do the same for them.

Be Wary of Sheep in Wolf's Clothing

In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep, one must above all be a sheep oneself.

Albert Einstein

We've all heard the old adage, "Be wary of sheep in wolf's clothing." If for some reason you haven't, it's a biblical warning about people hiding their true nature. "Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves." (Matthew 7:15) It's used to describe those playing a role contrary to their real character, one who hides how dangerous they truly are and how they work off other people’s trusting nature, leading them to a certain demise. Today our challenge seems to be quite the opposite, as we praise the wolf and disdain the sheep.

We, in our ego driven need to stand out, try our best to not become sheep. Society tells us that, in order to be successful, we need to become wolves, so we are fed motivational meme after meme relating to the badassery of the noble wolves and wolf packs. Maybe this has been an indirect result of "gritty is cool" or "idealism is for kids," yet the direct result is how people are flocking to become pseudo-rebels who "challenge the establishment." These men and women model themselves to fit the expectations of the crowd as they regurgitate what that same crowd fed them in the first place. We used to see it in people taking actions simply for the amusement and validation of their friends. Today, with social media, it has become increasingly worse. They work off "like" and "share" of complete strangers, where their followers tell the "wolf" what to say and do, as they become little more than another sheep in a flock.

How often, in your attempt to be your own person, are you simply following the crowd? How often are you playing the bad boy just for the approval of others? Is their approval more important than the people you're hurting, so often simply to prove how badass you are? Harder to recognize still, but just as dangerous to yourself, how often you take a contrary stance to the crowd just to play the rebel? Isn't the crowd still telling you what to do? Are you viewing the crowd's reactions of approval or disapproval as a validation of your actions, instead of using the actual repercussions as a true measure?

In your attempt to prove how secure you are, have you become that insecure?

That's why social media is sometimes a dangerous place. Anyone can present themselves as a leader, an influencer, as everyone tries to market themselves as the protagonist of their own novel. In reality they're just rehashing the same thing everyone else is doing. If they don't keep their egos in check, or at least are honest enough with themselves to understand why they're doing something, they'll easily fall prey to the comfort of the approval of the masses as the final goal becomes being "liked" by “friends.”

Consider that person you follow and respect. Are you following them because they have something to contribute to your lives or are you following them simply because they validate your own prejudice? Gravitate to those who can make you grow and open your eyes. Do so, not to follow them, but rather to learn from them, as you become your own person. And above all, be careful that in your desperate need to become a wolf, you don't become a sheep.

It’s Good to Be Bad

The lion doesn’t turn around when the small dog barks.

African Proverb

If you’re like me (and if you follow this blog, you probably are), your social media feed keeps getting populated by “Gentleman” articles and memes about how men can be better men. Most of these tend to focus on the honorable development of your Chivalry, as we strive to become the hero of our own saga. In a similar manner, many people view the prototypical gentlemen as being too soft or nice or even delicate to deal with today’s chaotically aggressive society. So, if being a Gentleman is so conducive to being the “good guy” or a KISA (Knight in Shining Armor), why is it that every time Hollywood needs a memorable bad guy, they give us a Gentleman Villain?

When a movie starts, we see just how bad-ass our hero is in that initial sequence, as he spends the first 10 minutes of the film having to prove himself to us as an audience. The villain? He just has to step into frame in his perfectly tailored suit, impeccable eloquence, and overwhelming presence and we buy it, no questions asked. Is it because of their calm superiority? Because they are effortlessly imposing? Their arrogance? Their style? It’s all that and more.

Take a moment and think of the most memorable villains we’ve been served, the ones that become more popular than the hero themselves. From Hans Gruber in the original Die Hard to James Moriarty in the Sherlock Holmes series to John Milton in Devil’s Advocate (in truth any role taken by Al Pacino), we end up more invested in the villain than we do in the hero. If you don’t believe me, just consider how out of the two hours of Silence Of The Lambs, Hannibal Lecter only appears for 16 minutes, and yet that’s all he needed to leave a lasting impression in our social psyche as one of the most memorable villains of all times. It only takes a few cords of the imperial march, to make us gasp in expectation, waiting for Lord Vader to walk into the scene. 

Movies (books, theater, and even video games for that matter) tend to make heroes relatable, so the audience can live vicariously through them. This means that our protagonist will be as generic (read as “bland”) as possible. It’s only through his development that he becomes more, as he is expected to learn and grow through some kind of musical montage. To counter his blandness, writers need to create a colorful antagonist that we can all relate to hating. He must be the guy we envy in our own lives because he dresses better, drives a better car, has the better job, and is more successful than us. They create someone who makes us feel inferior as they’re playing off our insecurities.

Except some of us look at that guy and want to become him! The women in the audience find themselves wondering why the leading lady’s putting up with our hero’s bullshit self-righteousness instead of running into our villain’s hedonistic arms. I mean, the villain is someone who’s driven and committed to achieve success, real a go-getter. His wealth, social standing, and attitude are a testaments to his success. On the other hand, the hero simply waits around to react to the bad guy’s actions. The villain’s passionate about his ambitions and desires as he’s willing to do what most people won’t even consider. His attention to detail, bespoke suit, and razor-sharp wit only serves to show off the lack luster of the hero we’re expected to root for.

Note: I want to clarify that this isn’t limited to the Gentleman Villain, as the Lady Villainess is just as imposing. Just look at Miranda Priestly (Meryl Streep) in the Devil Wears Prada, Maleficent in Sleeping Beauty or the movie bearing her name, or even Selina Kyle (Catwoman) in the Batman Series. Nothing says “desire me all you want, but don’t even think I won’t kill you if you get in my way” like a well developed “Bitch Face.”

While the hero spends most of the time trying to prove himself, overcome his own flaws and insecurities, while the movie plays off his weaknesses for the audience’s sympathy, the villain doesn’t need our validation or sympathy. They just are, letting US bask in THEIR awesomeness. Playing the victim card? That’s left for heroes and victims to use. They don’t play to the crowd. If anything, they should inspire us to achieve greatness for nothing more than greatness sake. 

They’re powerful and imposing without the need to prove it or remind us. They embrace their passions without the moralist qualms reinforced by hypocritical social standards. If they display restraint, it’s to let us know about their iron will and self-discipline; only unleashing their fury when needed and then only to deal with the incompetence of others. Even John “Jigsaw” Kramer, from the Saw series, keeps a constant and even level tone to his voice. It’s this villain’s calmness that works off our own fear. They are the epitome of the adage “Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.” 

Note that the true Gentleman Villain isn’t an abuser or falls for pettiness, as they see these things below their notice. They don’t need to make anyone feel inferior or show off their greatness or even remind anyone of who they are, as that again would be playing to the crowd and needing validation. Sure, they’ll blow up a shelter full of orphaned kittens, but they’ll do it simply because it was in their way. Raul Juliá best exemplifies this mentality in Street Fighter. (Before you judge me for bringing this piece of cinematic crap up, I know this is a good awful movie, but Juliá chews through every scene he’s allowed to cut loose in.)

"For you, the day Bison graced your village was the most important day of your life. But for me, it was Tuesday."  

The fact that these gentlemen are so determined, so imposing, and so unapologetic makes them “Evil,” or at least that’s what their creator wants us to think. It’s later on, as the writers realize just how popular the villain has become, do they feel the need to “flaw” him so either, we can believe that the hero has at least a chance to defeat them or they can become hero’s themselves in the sequel. Suddenly Vader takes off his mask and stops being James Earl Jones or the Six Fingered man just flee cowardly, as the writers dismantle the well-developed villain in only two seconds worth of bad filmmaking. Why the hell do they think this is a good thing, I don’t know. Personally, I view it as a cheat to try and keep the hero more popular. Besides, we’re expected to root for the hero simply because he’s the hero. We ignore the fact that his only motivation is probably revenge (yet nobody’s motivated to get revenge on the hero for all the faceless minions he kills) or simply because it’s his job (get’s paid to stop the villain). Sure, the villain’s the bad guy of the story, but as long as Red Riding Hood’s telling the story, the Wolf will always be the bad guy. We aren’t shown all the work that went into creating his evil empire, all the personal sacrifices and dedication that went into becoming the powerful men they are.

Let’s make it clear. I’m in no way promoting the idea that Villainy should be viewed as a proper career choice, nor are we romanticizing the extremes that villains go to or the people they hurt. We still need heroes. We still have to understand that blowing up innocent kittens and puppies should always be frowned upon because… they are puppies and kittens, you sick bastard! Because that’s where the villain fails us. They cross the line where their personal passion ignores the people they hurt in the process. That’s the only thing that makes them into villains worth stopping.

We need the KISA to prove to society that men are honorable creatures despite all the bad press we get. But don’t you think it’s time to stop having to prove yourself for other people’s validations or even permission? In a society where you have to start most expositions with trigger word warnings or begging people not to take everything personal, seeing someone being proud of who they are or openly enjoying what they’ve achieved through hard work and dedication (all those sports cars and Italian suits aren’t cheap and building an evil empire isn’t easy) is almost a breath of fresh air. When you get to a point where you no longer have to impress others, that’s when you become free.

Isn’t it time to stop asking for permission to strive for greatness? Isn’t it time to enjoy being the man you are, the unapologetic Gentleman you’ve become? Isn’t it time to prove you've gone past your own insecurities as you no longer walk on eggshells, or feel like a victim, or even have to play to the crowd? Isn’t it time to discipline yourself into the man you’re destined to be?

The world isn’t going to conquer itself.

Stop Fixing Your Weaknesses

Some time ago I read a story Alejandro Jodorowsky that I wanted to share with you. I haven’t found the original again nor do I remember the title, so the best I can do is retell it to the best of my ability.

A father met with his son’s school teacher after the boy brought home his grades. The child had gotten good marks in art class yet wasn’t doing that great in math. The teacher looks at the worried parent and asked what he intended to do about the situation.

“I plan to find him a math tutor as soon as possible; making him do extra work till he gets great at math.”

The professor looked at the parent stunned.

“Instead, why don’t you find him an art tutor for art and develop the talent your son obviously has! We all have talents, but we shouldn’t be forced to all have the same talents.”

We have no problem understanding that we are all different, that we all have some things we’re each good at and some things we’re bad at. The funny thing is that we focus more on fixing “what’s wrong” rather than working on “what’s right.” We’re sold on the idea that there’s only one way to become successful in life, one single little formula that has been proven true. Then, as with that peg that just won’t fit, we try to hammer ourselves into that mold, only to left wondering why we’re neither successful nor happy.

Instead on trying to “fix” what we’re not so great at, why not focus on what we’re actually good at. Instead of pointing at other peoples flaws as reasons why they won’t succeed, why not point at all their abilities as reasons why they will succeed. Maybe then, people will stop seeing their failures and start seeing their potential.

Dress As You Want To Be Addressed

Dressing well is a form of good manners.

Tom Ford

A couple of weeks ago I headed to look over a few car options as my relocation removed my commuter options of daily travel. At the dealership, I have to admit, the sales clerk did an awesome job in how he treated us. They went above and beyond trying to make the sale, and at the end offered us a wonderful deal with numerous extras. While we were being “wined and dined,” at the same time another couple walked into the dealer. The sales clerk wouldn’t even give them the time of day. The difference between us and that other couple? How we were dressed.

You’ve probably seen this situation if you’re into people watching, if not lived it personally. A person walks into a high-end store and is completely ignored because he’s dress in rather casual attire. A moment later, someone well dressed walks in and the sales clerks magically appear, roll out the red carpet and even bring along appetizers. To the other person, the only thing they brought out, if they bring anything at all, are the cops to escort them out of the store.

Sure, we could call this classism, elitism, or might even bring out the race card into the debate. We’ll see online posts calling out boycotts of the place or making status updates as they feel the need to tell the world how a person’s more than their cloth or their appearance. And they’ll do this in the most arrogant, self-righteous manner, as they cite successful entrepreneurs who’ve made their mark while in worn out jeans and sneakers. What they fail to realize is that the world will treat people the same way that they present themselves to the world. Those successful entrepreneurs in question? Those are the exceptions, not the norm.

Ask any bartender, waiter, or sales clerk.  They know that a person willing to spend the time and money to present themselves properly to the world, AND treats others respectfully, will probably will tip better and will definitely treat the server better. If you want to be treated like you can afford something, shouldn’t it be a good idea to dress like you can afford it? If you want to be taken seriously, shouldn’t you dress like they should take you seriously? How you dress says a lot about your potential; be it to spend or to act.

And this isn’t limited to the service industry. Any situation where you have to deal with others in a social environment, how you present yourself to others will define in what direction the interaction takes. Be it a random conversation, be it a date, or be it an interview.  Clothes might not make the man, but I can guarantee they have gotten many a man a good job. You can achieve anything if you dress properly for it.

Social Activism and The Zombie Apocalypse

Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever the fuck you were going to do anyway.

Robert Downey Jr.

Thanks to movies and TV, we are all familiar with the zombie apocalypse to the point where we have fantasized about how we would handle ourselves within that improbable eventuality. There is some morbid attractiveness to the idea of being able to handle hordes of mindless monsters without owing them even the slightest pity or consideration as even the most heinous acts are viewed as heroism in support of the greater good. Such have been our fantasies that even the Pentagon has developed a national contingency plan in case Zombies try to take over.

The sad part of this fantasy is how we’ve embraced this mentality within our society, not against zombies, but rather against each other. We grouped together into little cliques of survivors as we set off to fight our own “zombie hordes.” We stopped looking at each other as humans with the capability of having different points of views and different perspectives within the same topic, as we embraced an “Us vs. Them” attitude where “Us” are right and “Them” deserve whatever we can throw at them.

People fashioned themselves as activists, posting their protest about one issue or another, were online media sites desperately scurried to fine the new offensive material to condemn or the new scandal to criticize. Everyone desperately seeks to became a victim or a champion of victims, as we unfriended, trolled, or attacked anyone who thought differently from us. And we all rejoiced at what great people we became as we dove head first into justifiable assholism. If we stop and looked at what happened, we would realize just how horrible of a society we are creating in our need to find enemies to fight or victims to defend.

There is an advantage of having enemies or of being a victim that we refuse to admit. As we define an enemy and refuse to view them as equal to us, we can assign all the evil and badness of the world to these people while viewing ourselves as having ownership of all the goodness and moral high ground. This allows us to wallow in our own anger and resentment, as we are given free rein to abuse people. We feel that we can’t be held accountable for our own actions as the label of victimhood absolves us from doing any evil, no matter what we are doing, as our actions are justifiable. We keep telling ourselves how we would be good natured and caring if it wasn’t for those “enemies” who deserve our attacks.

And that feels good. Real good. Just as with the zombie apocalypse, we can now be as drastic as we want while being a hero working for the greater good. To justify this mentality and fanatism, we post up memes calling out the evils of indifference or even the virtues of having enemies, as we troll, harass, lie, stretch the truth, threaten, and even physically assault anyone who disagrees with us. And we do this all while calling out those same actions from our counterparts.

We see this in both Conservatives and Liberals. We see this in both Feminists and Men’s Rights Activists. We see this in both #BlackLivesMatter and #AllLivesMatter. We see this within the religious and even in those fighting class warfare. In reality, we see this in any groups who fashion themselves as fighting for a “cause.” Ironically, if you sit down and have an open minded conversation with anyone within these different groups, you realize that each hold some shard of truth and from each you could learn. Believe it or not, you can actually find some knowledge, or at the very least some understanding and empathy, even within the bigot, the racist, the sexist, and even the homophobe.

Keep in mind that in no way I’m promoting any kind of discrimination or abuse, but rather calling out the socially acceptable discrimination and abuse disguised as social justice. The problem with calling out this kind of oppression is that we refuse to acknowledge when we do it, as we find it justified as we have turned the world into black and white ideologies, were you are either with me or an enemy.

We have polished this mentality so cleverly that we even created a concept to condemn anyone who criticizes our actions or exposing our hypocrisy. To avoid the possibility discussion brought up by others that we are doing something wrong, we call out their “privilege,” as we try to silence them through shame or guilt. We’ve gone so far with the “privilege” guilt trip discourse that some are made to feel that the only way to remove the shame of their gender, race, social class or any other personal situation is through the purgatory of combating their own. It’s amazing how we see nothing wrong with condemning someone over the personal situation, often one that they can’t control, as we use guilt and shame as little more than a tool for oppression.

So what can you do?

You can win by refusing to play this game. You have to realize that these hypocrites find their position validated with every share of online posts. You have to understand that social media sites profit from every controversial article as their hit counters pile up. All you have to do is sit back and stop playing their game as you realize the only power something has over you is the one you give it. Understand that the protest du jeur will be forgotten within a couple of weeks, as the moralist vultures move on to the next cause.

Work on yourself and on bettering yourself, and stop measuring your worth based on what group you belong. You can believe in gender equality without putting down anyone else. You can be a conservative on some topics, while being a liberal on others. You can be a traditionalist and a modernist at the same time. One ideology doesn’t trump the other. Disagreeing with someone doesn’t make you better than them. How you treat them in spite of disagreeing with them does.

The Worst Relationship Advice We Believe

Dear Men,

If you’re going to criticize a woman’s figure or any other aspect of her appearance, please make sure that you are either Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp.

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Every once in a while someone will come along to provide some wonderful insight to those seeking a meaningful relationship. They will remind those of you that are single that out there, in the vastness of this wonderful world, is that special someone who will make you understand why it never worked out with anyone else. This person will understand you and love you just as you are. They will embrace your faults as beautiful, your flaws as the things that make you special, and love you unconditionally. They will have everything you would want in a partner as they will be smart, independent, strong, sensitive, supportive, and attractive. They won’t have any of those deal-braking bad habits that have ruined so many of your previous relationships as you two are simply one soul that got split in two during creation…

And that’s a beautiful thought, until you realize it’s one of the most self-centered and selfish attitudes anyone can have and the reason why you’ve been so miserable in love. When you remove all the romantic literacy from that mentality and read it for what it is; you realize that you’re expecting someone who’s amazing, yet isn’t looking for someone amazing. You want someone who’s willing to happily put up with your crap without giving you any crap at all.

More amazing still is our hypocrisy; as we set the highest standards for others yet refuse to live up to those same standards ourselves. You expect someone to love you for who you are, yet you refuse to show any kind of self-love as you don’t have the slightest demonstration of developing for yourself since they have to love you “just as you are.” You expect them to put up with your “worse” as a price to enjoy you at your “best,” as if suffering was an acceptable toll for your company.

All this happens while you scrutinize the other person for any flaw or fault that will excuse you from feeling guilty of all they have to put up with. It’s to the point where instead of looking at what wonderful qualities someone might have, you focus on what flaws you’re unwilling to put up with. No wonder we keep hearing phrases like “all women are crazy” and “all guys are the same.” That’s what people look for when they look at someone, proof that the woman is “crazy” or the guy is just like the “rest.” It’s an easy way to avoid being accountable for our responsibility of every failed relationship we’ve ever been in.

If you want a relationship with an incredible person, you’d better be ready to work your ass off to become an incredible person yourself. Instead of looking for someone willing to settle for you, look for someone worth polishing who you are for them. Look for someone who pushes you to become better and worth growing for.

Don’t keep saying you want someone amazing when you only focus on the flaws people might have. What you focus on demonstrate what’s important to you. Everyone comes with baggage, but they also come with some wonderful qualities. Stop looking for excuses to treat people badly and start looking for reasons to cherish them.

Relationships aren’t about what the other person has to offer you, but rather what you both are willing to do for each other. Don’t expect to find a Leading Lady if you aren’t willing to be a Leading Man.

Ladies, We Need Your Help

There are two ways of exerting one’s strength:

One is pushing down,

The other is pulling up.

Booker T. Washington

Ladies,

Usually I will post here, specifically directing my words to men, as most of what is posted here is focused on men becoming more, on working on themselves, not to impress women, but to better themselves. I have mentioned how this is a path they must walk by themselves as they take accountability for their own actions and development.

We understand how men need to be allies to women’s fight for gender equality and social justice. We see the importance of men becoming allies and taking up an active participation on women’s issues in campaigns such as #HeForShe and Man Up. We are aware of the awful statistics of what women have to deal with and have learned how men can challenge a sexist culture by simply standing up against what’s expected from them as guys.

But now, I am asking for your help as women.

All too often, society doesn’t see the flip side of the coin, as it assumes that men’s issues are reduced to men whining about not getting a date or, at best, men having unrealistic expectations placed on them due to gender stereotypes. The reality is a lot more palpable than just fighting social expectations and it’s a reality that’s killing us; sometimes metaphorically while other times literally.

Did you know that 1 in 4 men are victims of domestic violence? Did you know that 1 in 6 men are victims of sexual abuse since they are boys? Did you know that even though society admits men and women are equally capable as parents, after a divorce only 14% of men gain primary custody? And those without it, did you know they are usually only allowed to see their kids every other weekend. That’s only 4 days a month for those mathematically challenged.

Did you know that there are very few support groups and even less resources available to create awareness to issues like these or help men deal? The funny thing is that when they exist, these are under constant attack and ridicule by those unwilling to recognize the reality of many men. If you knew all of this, then it probably doesn’t surprise you that, even though suicide rates have gone down, in the case of men between the ages of 40-55, they have actually gone up. This has become such an issue that currently 80% of all suicides are committed by men.

Society as a whole is killing us and then it blames us for it.

And this is why I’m asking for your help. Men are told to look for help, but when they actually stretch out their hand looking for a life line; it’s slapped away by both other men and women who refuse to see the problem. Gender issues and challenges are treated as an open war between the sexes where each group plays up their own challenges, expecting empathy and help, while dismissing what others go through.

We need to stop viewing the world as two different worlds, but at a single world where we have both been responsible for the good and bad each gender goes through. Just as it’s important for men to become allies to women, it’s also important for women to become allies to men. For that reason, I ask for your help.

Men can’t change the world alone just as women can’t either.