Hold On To That Instant

I believe enlightenment or revelation comes in daily life. I look for joy, the peace of action. You need action.

Pablo Coelho

A long time ago, when I was in my early twenties, I went through a really bad break up. For what seemed an eternity to me, and probably even longer for my friends trying to cheer me up, life just seemed dull and meaningless. The guy known for his hopeless optimism and constant sarcastic humor was gone, replaced by an angst melodramatic shell of a person. That was till I was almost run over by a car.

Bare with me…I promise there’s a moral to the story.

As I was crossing a local street without taking the proper precautions, I ended up in the path of a minivan. A second of tire screeching turned into an overly concerned lady apologizing for almost hitting me. I told her not to worry, that everything was fine and I was fine. And I smiled that half cocked smile of the overly confident smart ass I was back then (and still am today).

And for an instant, I realized I WAS fine. Everything suddenly fell into place as for an instant the universe, or at least my universe, made sense. It was like if someone finally pulled the blinds and I could see all the things I was previously stumbling over within the darkness.

I would love to end this story with the notion that from that instant forth, I was blessed with endless enlightenment, but those would be lies. The reality is that from the moment it happened, that light, slowly without my notice, started to fade away as I fell into old habits and old patterns.

I’ve been visited by similar instances several other times in my life. The only difference is that now I know that they are fleeting. So what I have done is to learn from those insights, squeeze them dry of any and all self-realization, extend their revelations as long as possible, and create a mental map of where I am, for those times when I find myself lost in darkness.

We are all gifted with those instants within our lives, and it’s usually when we need them the most. It’s in those moments when you find yourself lost, when you simply resign to stumble across life, that we accidentally end up pulling down the blinds from the windows. Call it a moment of clarity, self-realization, or enlightenment from above speaking to you, it’s an instant that provides you the knowledge you need to get back up, take a deep breath, and keep walking forward. Embrace it, relish it, and learn from it, for in that instant you will realize that you ARE fine. And you’ll realize that you can again smile that cocky smile of the confident man you are.

A Man’s Worth

Lazy doesn't exist. Lazy is a symptom of something else. The person who can't get up off their butt is just a person who's depressed. It's usually a pervasive lack of self-worth, or a feeling of helplessness.

Jillian Michaels

Anyone who has ever had life insurance will at one time or another joke about the fact that they are probably worth more dead than alive to their family. This might sound funny, till you consider how this question is considered when reviewing possible suspects when dealing with a murder. Is the amount of money you can earn what defines your worth? Or is it more?

If Forbes is to be believed, apparently so, as their list of wealthiest people tends to be phrased as “X person is worth X amount of money.” I refuse to believe this because a man is worth more than that, a lot more. Take a moment and think what you are worth. If you have difficulty finding an answer, think of the question this way instead. If you lost everything, what would you be worth?

People usually don’t consider how easy it is too lose everything. They usually never consider this until it has already happen, as they refuse to see it happening. We see this in the case of a financial disaster, a health crisis, divorce, or a death. At that time it’s when they realize just how ephemeral everything in life is. Your business plan wasn’t as fool proof as you told yourself. Your retirement fund wasn’t as secure as you thought. Your relationship wasn’t as solid as you liked to believe. Your friends were actually your ex-wife’s friends and not yours. You’re children are not necessarily going to outlive you.

It’s at this time you will question what’s your worth. When you lose everything you thought you were, what do you have to offer those around you? If you never took the time to consider what you’re worth, do you think you will be able to do so easily at this time? Think what you can offer, as a person, to those around you. What can you offer your friends when you have nothing to offer? What can you offer yourself?

This is why self-development and self-awareness is so important. What really matters in life, money can’t buy. Sure, it’s easier to cry in a Mercedes than on a bike, but do we really need to measure our worth based on our comfort during our suffering? Can’t we think that we are worth enough to hold our self-esteem and self-worth high, even during suffering?

So, when considering your worth, consider what currency you use to measure yourself. You worth isn’t measured with money, but with character. Your worth isn’t measured in how many acquaintances you have, but how willing are your close friends to be there for you. Your worth isn’t measured on what trips you can pay to take, but how you have grown from those travels. Your worth isn’t measured by how big your house is, but if it's rather a home.

So I ask you again, how much are you worth? The answer is rather simple; as much as you chose to be worth!

The Simple Art Of Being Charming

It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.

Oscar Wilde

As we begin to break down some of the aspects of social skills, I thought it appropriate to start with one of the most sought after, disdained, and misunderstood skill any man can have: How to be Charming.

Disney has spent decades reinforced a cult to Prince Charming, and as a result, society has created a counter culture of mistrusting any man who tries to be Charming. But what is a Charming man? Is he the sought after man, the center of attention? Is he the goal that every man should become or the prize every woman (or man, depending on your orientation) wants to be?

Or is he the unrealistic goal, set only to further confuse people about what to be or what to search out?

The reality is that you should be yourself first. Charming should simply be a complement to who you are. We have been trained to look at the negativity of everything, using it as a way to feel better about ourselves. But within this negative oriented society, charming becomes a breath of fresh air, a glass of water in a desert of destructive criticism and people more willing to complain than to help.  Because that’s the secret behind Charming. Charming isn’t about attracting attention to yourself, but giving positive attention to the other person. THAT’s what makes charming people popular. Who wouldn’t want to be with someone who brightens your day?

It’s not that they are some kind of comedic clown or even a brown-noser, but a Charming Man will bring an unconscious smile to everyone around them. They will shine a spotlight on the positive side of any situation or lighten the mood of any dreary day. They come in as a ray of sunshine in a cloudy day, giving you the sun’s warmth when you need it.

That sounds pretty poetic, but how do you become that kind of man?

You start by projecting a positive vibe. The easiest way to do this is to let people know you are happy to see them. Make them understand how you recognize and validate their presence. How? Actually look at them and hint a smile. (An artful smile is the most powerful tool anyone can have. I can’t emphasis this enough.) This will make the person feel that their presence made your day, causing them to smile too. Getting someone to smile lightens their mood without them realizing it. Follow up by making “person specific” comments. People don’t expect others to them as individuals, so making this kind of comment will let them know YOU are actually paying attention. Then ask about them to talk about themselves. Listen and give positive feedback.

Nothing makes a person happier than realizing their existence is appreciated. It’s that simple!

The irony of being charming is that by paying attention to others and making other’s lives a little less dreary, people will seek out for you. And that’s what makes a person fear someone who is charming. He makes them realize just how important it is to be appreciated. In a world so focused on “Me” or on how the universe makes “Me” miserable, who wouldn’t want to have someone around that make life worth enjoying and brings a smile to “Me.”

Talk To Us. The First Of Several Social Skills Surveys.

Asking the right question is more important than knowing the right answer.

Being Caballero

As I mentioned in a previous post, living within any society means that personal interaction is a necessary part of life. Our ability to communicate with each other, to understand other, and to make ourselves understood is vital to living a full life. Some of us however find such interactions challenging or stressful. For some people, navigating within the social nuances becomes as challenging as navigating within a real storm. Their personal mannerisms turn even the most casual interactions into a battle with social norms and individual misunderstandings. In many cases, the characteristics that make a person different from the rest of society or their inability to fully express themselves becomes a source of frustration that lead to feelings of low self-esteem and self-worth. These feelings, so often, manifest in an anti-social attitude or even  into actual violent behavior so common today. 

Previously I had mentioned how we might think we understand a problem, but it’s our own preconceptions that keep us from fully understanding its reality and finding a useful solution. Instead, we assume we understand the problem without really looking at it and end up developing a catch-all solution that only works to make us feel better about how smart we are. The actual results? Those are pretty questionable. 

I want to look at social skills from as many perspectives as possible. Posting up an article or making a workshop based solely on a personal bias or developing a generic solution would be a disservice to all who read our posts. (Not to mention how doing it this way is a pretty arrogant attitude.) So instead of thinking I know what you go through, why not ask? I want to listen to what you have to say and consider how you feel. 

To be able to do this, we are devising a series of surveys based on several aspects on the topic of social skills. We want you to become part of our team; in a way we ask you to become our focus group. These surveys will help us better understand what social challenges our readers go through and how we can best provide advice and service.

The first survey we developed focuses on the general concepts of social skills and its general challenges. Your identity and answers are completely confidential, but will help us develop a better understanding and a clearer image of what others go through. and helping us to produce better content. 

Please, talk to us. We are here to listen. Head over to the first of several surveys and let’s create this path together.

Being Caballero's Survey on Social Skills & Challenges

A Cavalier’s Steed

The cars we drive say a lot about us.

Alexandra Paul

Ever had a conversation with someone where the person came to an absurd conclusion that you wish could dispel, but in reality kind of agreed with them? A few weeks ago I was discussing the origin of the words Caballero and chivalry, and how they related to the Old French chevalerie. The all originated from the Latin caballarius which simply means ‘horseman.’ The person looked at me and smiled before opening their mouth.

So guys have been using their rides as a status symbol since the Romans?

I am not sure if my poker face held, but for a split second time froze while I had to keep myself from openly applauding his thought process. In a way he was right, but not in the way he thought. My reply was a simple one.

Riding a warhorse doesn’t make you any more a warrior than carrying a sword.

I have always stated how we need to extend who we are to everything we do and everything we own. I have mentioned this about the clothes on your back and the roof over your head. So why should it be any different when we talk about the ride you use? The reality is that your ride doesn’t make you any more of a gentleman than your suit does. Yet so many men put on a suit thinking it makes them gentlemen, just as they buy a car thinking it will change them magically into something else.

This is a social trap that men will fall into at some time in their lives. Getting a bike or a sports car won’t turn you any more adventurous than getting family car will turn you into a family man. Yet men will buy the sports car or the bike thinking that they are challenging the status quo. They will buy the soccer mom/dad SUV or the electrical/hybrid thinking that practicality will give them maturity and responsibility.

There might be something positive to say about practicality, but then again, if we only thought about practicality, we wouldn’t dare to do anything in life and we’d all be wearing jogging suits every day. There is something positive to say about daring, but if your boldest act in life is what car you drive, you should reconsider why you bought it.

The reality is that you are you, and the best you can do is work to make a better you. Your car should simply reflect who you are. There is nothing wrong with driving a sports car, or a hybrid, or an SUV, or a pickup, or even, dare I say, a minivan, just as long as that is who you are.

PS: Word to the wise to all Gents out there. Trying to convince your significant other that a 2 seater sports convertible could be called a family car is a losing battle that will haunt you for years.