Why I Don’t Want To Make More Money

Grind in your 20’s.

Build in your 30’s.

Chill in your 40’s.

Unknown

Every once in a while, my actual profession will come up during a conversation, which leads into the same scripted interaction. “Wouldn’t you be making more money in what you’re trained in?” My reply is always the same. “Yes. And I would also have to work between 60 to 80 hours a week, including weekends. Last time I did it, I missed out on my family, all the while thinking I was providing for my family. I don’t think being able to buy more stuff I don’t really need and filling my professional ego isn’t worth losing my family. Do you?”

Awkward silence.

Almost every Personal Empowerment site and program can be broken down into two focuses. On one side, they promote the idea that “Become a better man” automatically leads to “make more money.” On the other side “Become a better man” will lead to get more women. There is a third camp out there, the one that I have tried to keep in mind when posting on Caballero. “Become a better man” will lead you to become a better man; for yourself and your family.

Let’s be absolutely clear here, I’m not talking about leading a hermit’s life of austerity. If you need to work 80 hours a week to make ends meet, do so. And I also believe that even through money doesn’t buy happiness, not having enough to survive is pretty miserable. With that said, if you’re well enough to survive, your well enough to spend time on what matters.

A man must be defined by his priorities, not by his desires.

Sure, you might lie to yourself, as you justify working all those hours with the excuse to go on that family vacation, or buy that gift, or provide a bigger home or a fancy car. If you believe that your worth is only measured by how much material gain you can provide, you should seriously reconsider what you have to offer those around you. If those around you only appreciate what material gains you have to offer, you should reconsider the kind of people around you.

Way too many men end up with dead souls by the time they are 40, and many of them end up actually taking their lives because of it. This isn’t about just making a living, but about saving your life. Work enough to make enough. Then start working on what matters. Spend time on yourself, on your family, and on your friends. Your boss isn’t willing to understand that you have no intention on killing yourself for him to make profit? Consider a new job. Your professional obligations won’t let you spend time with your spouse and kids? Consider a career change.

Always keep in mind that money can’t buy back time lost and you can’t buy your way out of regret.

PS.

To the younger guys getting started in the daily grind. Before you  think of this post as proof that you don’t need an education nor to pay your dues on your way up…remember that I can take these kind of decisions because I already racked up enough of a resume to let me pick and choose my future.

Gentlemen…#DadUp!

A father is a son's first hero and a daughter's first love

Unknown

With two weeks to go before Father’s Day, I thought it proper to start out with a simple shout out to all the Dads out there showing the world how it’s done. What you do is amazing considering how the world has done its best to make us our worse. We, as a society, have been bombarded with multitude of failed images of what a father figure is. From the authoritarian distant patriarch who’s presence is felt only with the fearful words “Wait till your father gets home,” to the workaholic father who’s presence is only felt by the family’s bank account, to the bumbling idiot dad who’s little more than another child within the family, to the dead beat dad who, to this day, I have no idea why the term dad is even included in the name. Modern Dads, just like the modern Gentlemen, have come to prove just how good men can be when we chose to ignore all the negative images thrust upon us.

But what is the Modern Dad?

For starters, he is a Dad, an equal partner in his child’s development. No longer can we accept being treated as Mom’s Assistant, which also means that no longer can we behave like Mom’s Assistant. For years men have felt the guilt of not being there for their children as society placed the burden of work on the man and the burden of parenting on the woman. No more! Gender equality means that we should not be forced to ignore our kids over a client. Clients and projects come and go. A neglected kid’s resentment and your personal guilt of not being there lasts forever. More so, some men are even given the blessed opportunity to be the main caregiver as stay-at-home dads, be it by choice or by necessity. Note I refuse to use the term Full time dad or mom as a parent should always be a FULL-TIME PARENT.

This is especially important when the parents are no longer married. You have just as much a right to your child’s time as the mother, and are just as important in your child’s development. This is still a challenge in a system that so often views a Dad’s participation after a divorce to a monthly check and what used to be an everyday interaction between father and child is reduced to as little as seeing your kid 4 days (two weekends) a month. Then we wonder why the suicide rate among men is so high the first year after a divorce.

Secondly, we have realized just how much fun having a kid can be and how much you can share when you’re an active participant to their lives. That distant authoritarian figure of the old “Father Knows Best” only works to alienate and isolate you from your family. Dad’s today are just as active as their kids, and as involved. You see it in the dad who takes his kid to the park in spite of the weird looks from some of the moms who think he’s possibly some perv. You see it in the dad who will proudly wear a nail polish, a tutu, and a tiara or maybe a cape and a mask if it makes his kid happy. And they’ll go out in public like this, head high, knowing that the only approval they need in life is that of their children.

Third, we have realized just how much of an influence as a mentor we can be to our kids. Fatherhood has turned the most irresponsible man-child into the most respectable of men, simply with the knowledge that you are an example to your kid. We try to change the world into a better world for our children, we start treating others as we would want them to treat our kids. More importantly, we are awakened to just how much of a selfish asshole we have been in life, and get a magnifying glass placed over other people’s self-centeredness.

Lastly, we realize just how simple and beautiful life can be, and just how important we are as a person. We become their ultimate cheerleader, supporter, approver, and fan. We realize that the title father deserves only as much respect as you do as a person, and respect is earned. Funny thing is how becoming important in someone else’s life actually humbles you as a person.

I know that it might sound cliché, but having a son or daughter will redefine the man you are and the man you should be. Make sure that when you redefine yourself, you do so into the kind of Dad your children deserve.

That being said, Gentlemen… #DadUp!

The Question We Need To Start Asking Men

The love of family and the admiration of friends is much more important than wealth and privilege.

Charles Kuralt

One of the big issues brought up constantly about gender inequality is the fact that professional women are asked how they plan to balanced their professional life with their family life, yet men where never asked this. Corporate society expects women to prioritize their role as a wife or a mother above their professional ambitions, yet this kind of expectation isn’t placed on men. After so many years of men expected to neglect their family life, maybe it’s time asking them the same question and expect them to have an answer.

There is a social assumption that the role of the man is simply to be a good provider. The harder he works, the more he demonstrates how dedicated he is to his family. If this is true, why do so many men feel guilty about neglecting their family because of work? Why do so many spouses or kids feel neglected by an absentee father whose only role within the family is that of a the guy who pays the bills? Why do so many men made to feel that their role in society is to be little more than a credit card holder?

This needs to change. Too often men assume that the only way to be a real man is to be a good provider, even if this means sacrificing their family life. They are told to equate professional success with their success as a husband or father, never wanting to realize the damage we do to men and their families when creating that relationship. We need to start asking men to balance their professional life with their personal life.

Keep in mind that I am not talking about not providing for your family. What I am talking about is to keep priorities about what’s important in life. We need to open our eyes before we damage ourselves and those around us beyond repair.

Ambitious and competitive professional behavior has been ingrained so deeply within our mind that we end up assuming that the only way to succeed within our modern corporate world is to neglect our family. “I am providing my family a better life” has become the mantra that most use to justify their actions, without realizing how a truly better life for your family doesn’t come from a bigger TV or even a bigger home. It comes from having a bigger heart and the time to share it.

Yet that neglect of our family is viewed by so many bosses as a sign of disloyalty to the employment. They will try to blackmail and shame you into submission under the threat of someone else getting a promotion, the raise, or simply the risk of losing your job. Honestly? If your boss is making you choose between your work and your family, it’s time to find a new job. Changing jobs is a lot easier than getting a divorce or the guilt of neglecting a child.

Don’t turn your role within your family into simply a walking wallet and then complain that they don’t view you as anything else. By the same token, don’t let anyone in your family turn you into a walking wallet. Get involved and become an actual part of the family and the home. Spend time with your spouse and have fun with your kids. Getting to know what does on in their lives is a lot more important than covering the bill for their lives. In the case of divorce, covering your financial obligations DOES NOT excuse you from your familial obligations. In reality, your familial obligation to your kids far exceeds any child support agreement you have.

With all this in mind, don’t let anyone reduce your role in life to a bank account. The first person that needs to stop doing this is you. Work shouldn’t be the reason to live, but a tool to get a life. Learn to value yourself and those around you. Jobs come and go, so does money. At the end, you are simply left with the smiles and laughter you shared with those close to you. 

A Man’s Worth

Lazy doesn't exist. Lazy is a symptom of something else. The person who can't get up off their butt is just a person who's depressed. It's usually a pervasive lack of self-worth, or a feeling of helplessness.

Jillian Michaels

Anyone who has ever had life insurance will at one time or another joke about the fact that they are probably worth more dead than alive to their family. This might sound funny, till you consider how this question is considered when reviewing possible suspects when dealing with a murder. Is the amount of money you can earn what defines your worth? Or is it more?

If Forbes is to be believed, apparently so, as their list of wealthiest people tends to be phrased as “X person is worth X amount of money.” I refuse to believe this because a man is worth more than that, a lot more. Take a moment and think what you are worth. If you have difficulty finding an answer, think of the question this way instead. If you lost everything, what would you be worth?

People usually don’t consider how easy it is too lose everything. They usually never consider this until it has already happen, as they refuse to see it happening. We see this in the case of a financial disaster, a health crisis, divorce, or a death. At that time it’s when they realize just how ephemeral everything in life is. Your business plan wasn’t as fool proof as you told yourself. Your retirement fund wasn’t as secure as you thought. Your relationship wasn’t as solid as you liked to believe. Your friends were actually your ex-wife’s friends and not yours. You’re children are not necessarily going to outlive you.

It’s at this time you will question what’s your worth. When you lose everything you thought you were, what do you have to offer those around you? If you never took the time to consider what you’re worth, do you think you will be able to do so easily at this time? Think what you can offer, as a person, to those around you. What can you offer your friends when you have nothing to offer? What can you offer yourself?

This is why self-development and self-awareness is so important. What really matters in life, money can’t buy. Sure, it’s easier to cry in a Mercedes than on a bike, but do we really need to measure our worth based on our comfort during our suffering? Can’t we think that we are worth enough to hold our self-esteem and self-worth high, even during suffering?

So, when considering your worth, consider what currency you use to measure yourself. You worth isn’t measured with money, but with character. Your worth isn’t measured in how many acquaintances you have, but how willing are your close friends to be there for you. Your worth isn’t measured on what trips you can pay to take, but how you have grown from those travels. Your worth isn’t measured by how big your house is, but if it's rather a home.

So I ask you again, how much are you worth? The answer is rather simple; as much as you chose to be worth!