Not All Absentee Fathers Are Absent By Choice

If there’s no relationship with a father who’s absent, nobody talks about it.

Charles Rangel

If there is a phrase that carries the emotional weight of the world, it’s absentee father. We automatically think of the deadbeat dad, the emotionally distant father, or the man who chose to abandon his family for no other reason than selfishness. If anything, absentee fathers set the example of why single moms are viewed with such reverence, as they take up the roles of both mother and father. Ask any dad who’s involved in his child’s life and his reaction will be one of either disgust or hatred towards these kind of men as they will never understand why any man would chose not to be part of his kid’s life.

I have seen firsthand, in the lives of those close to me, the wonderful effects of being a son or daughter to an involved dad. I have also seen firsthand, in the lives of those close to me, the effects of being a son or daughter of an emotionally distant father or not having a father present at all in their lives at all. There are plenty of men who simply never grew into their role as a father for whatever reason. They never really wanted it and now that it’s happened, still refuse to step into those shoes. For them, I have little sympathy.

But there are others that have made me change my judgmental attitude.  I am seeing the effect on a father not having their child in their lives, and this changed my entire perspective.

I have seen service men that due to their oath have missed plenty of important moments in their child’s lives. These men, not only risk their lives constantly, sacrifice their emotional state as they get to see their kids every once in a while on a screen for only a few moments. After that, they are forced to swallow whatever sentiments they have to focus on the task at hand.

I have seen men having to move away from their families and taking on the jobs away from their family as local options are no longer in sight, as they search for a better life for their kids. And in their search for a future for their children, they are forced to miss the lives these kids have now. Their only hope is that they child won’t have to go through the same sacrifices when their time comes. This is often the story of most immigrants who have come to this country since its founding.

I have seen men working 12 and 15 hour shifts simply to ensure that there is a roof over their kid’s head and food on the table. These men pile on themselves unhuman levels of stress, burning out before their time, with the only consolation that their children will have anything and everything they need or want, except for a father.

And the one that I have seen hurt the most men, and the one that breaks my own heart every time I speak with a man going through this…

I have seen men who have braved the worst that manhood has to offer, break as their involvement in their child’s live is limited to 2 days every other week after a divorce. I have seen men cry simply because they can’t read their son or daughter a bedtime story every night as they did before. I have seen these men struggling with this new life, one where they are no longer constantly present within their child’s life. And this is when the divorce was amicable. Just imagine the many cases where the spouse demonizes the father figure to these children.

We need to see past the obvious judgmental views, and realize how often these men are sacrificing themselves, sometimes literally killing themselves, as they are trying to be in some way present in their child’s life, even if it’s indirectly.

In many of these cases, the men are forced to swallow in their emotions, if for nothing else, as a survival method just to deal with the day by day. The problem is that after a while it stops being a day by day mentality as you internalize it, and that’s when your soul starts to die and you lose yourself.

In other cases, these men are swallowed by the emotional abyss, as they feel ashamed of not being there for their kids, or not living up to the ideal of being a father. This creates a vicious cycle as they fall further into oblivion every time they realize just how deep into oblivion they already are.

Gentlemen, in both cases, seek help. You can’t be of any use for your child if you lose yourself. There is no shame in asking for a helping hand. There is no shame in talking to your kids about it, letting them know what you are going through. There is no shame in talking to your spouse or ex-spouse (again, only in cases of amiable separations) so they know you’re working on being better. There is no shame in looking for help in cases where you’re children are kept from you and used as a tool to hurt you. (This last case can be viewed even as child abuse, so get your ass in gear.)

Men, we need to understand that the best father any child can have is one that’s there. Sure, you might not see yourself as the father you wish you were, but know what? Fatherhood is about winging it the best you can, about being there when your son or daughter needs you. The only way you guarantee not being a good dad is by not being there as a dad. 

The Word Earned

Boys can make babies. It takes a man to raise them.

Oprah Winfrey

Dad. Really sounds like a simple word as it gets thrown around and stuck on every kind of cheap coffee mug, preceded with the phrase “World’s Greatest.” But is it really that simple? As the world changes, so has the image we expect from ourselves as Dads. No longer are we willing to accept our role as a simple provider or are we willing to be that bumbling idiot or the babysitter when mom’s not around. Now we are a parent, doing parent things with our own dad flare. So if you are expecting to receive that coffee mug, you damn better take action to earn that prefix before the word Dad.

How do you do that?

By realizing that fatherhood isn’t a label attached thanks to having children. It comes attached with the actions you take because you have kids.

It’s not about being able to buy them a bike, but taking the time to teach them how to ride it. It’s about taking the time to read them a bed time story when all you want to do is go to bed yourself. It’s about all the games you don’t miss and the plays you attend instead of the lessons you paid for. It’s about all the homework and school you do together and not about all the tutor fees you can pay. It’s not about being able to post magazine worthy images of your kids in social media, but about living a storybook worthy life with your kids.

It’s about that costume you made or the fieldtrip chaperoning you did. It’s about understanding that bad grades and bad behavior isn’t a sign of a bad kid, but a call for help about some other issue. It’s about willing to look for answers and understanding instead of worrying what will the neighbors think. It’s about putting aside whatever issue you have with the child’s mother as you place priority on the child. It’s about willing to drop everything and relocate if needed to make sure the kid has a better chance at life. It’s about making sure you talk WITH them, not TO them.

Do any of these actions guarantee a “good” kid? No, but it sure improves their chances.

And that is what being a Dad is all about. It’s about giving your kid a chance to be a better man or woman in a world bent on breaking them. It’s about letting them know that no matter what, they can count on you. It’s about letting them know that even if they don’t yet believe in themselves yet, you do.

Paradox of Fatherhood, #DadUp

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They came through you but not from you and though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

Khalil Gibran

One of the first lessons a father has to learn is that his son is his own person, that we cannot expect them to simply be a do-over of who we are. They will grow up with their own interests, their own dreams and their own desires. And we, as fathers, should respect these dreams as they are the stuff that will fuel the man your son is meant to be. This means giving them the space to spread their wings and make their own mistakes. Even if we say we don’t want to force our sons to continue your journey where you left off, we have to be careful and weary of our actions and approvals. How often do you tell him he is his own person, yet your reactions and encouragement say something else?

As a father, this is not always easy.

So, if your son is not to follow suit on your experience, what can you teach him? When your son’s road is completely different from your personal experience, how can you be there for him? How can you guide your son without telling him who to be? Simple. Show him what kind of man he should be.

We tend to tell our sons how to act, how to behave, yet our own actions are far from what the expectations we place on them. How can you tell them to be honest, yet we constantly lie to those close to us. We tell them that stealing is wrong, yet we do it every time we can in the way we conduct our business and do our taxes. We tell them to stand up to the bully, yet we remain seated and silent when confronted with injustice. We tell them never to be an abuser, yet will take any opportunity place in front of us as a way to strut our own power over others. We constantly teach under the ideology of “do as I say, not as I do.” There’s a word for this kind of behavior.

Hypocrite.

If you want a son who is honest, show him what an honest man looks like. If you want him to stand for himself, show him what a man standing looks like. If you want a son who grows up into a man you can be proud of, be a man he can be proud of. Stop telling your son who he needs to be, but rather show him the kind of man you want him to become.

Whatever path he chooses after that, he will walk it with the character and virtues founded on the example you set. Sure, he might not become a doctor, or a ball player, or your heir to the family business. What he will be is a man who can make the world a little better than it was before. I think that is something the world needs more off.