Challenging Men’s Culture of Entitlement in Times of Mass Shootings

(I originally posted this article in Good Men Project back in June 20, 2014 after the Isla Vista killings. 4 years later and NOTHING has changed.)

Helen: Everyone’s special, Dash.

Dash: [muttering] Which is another way of saying no one is.

The Incredibles (2004)

As we horribly wait for the next school shooting, which should happen in a couple of weeks if the prevalent pattern continues, we desperately try to find answers and solutions. We try to empathize with the killers, if for no other reason, out of guilt for failing these young men. You would think with the 74 school shootings within the last 18 months, we would have a clear profile by now. Yet, to date, the FBI’s attempts to profile school shooters haven’t found a determinative set of specific traits they consider good predictors. These were ordinary men and boys who chose out of the ordinary actions to express themselves… And there lies the profile, “Ordinary Young Men.”

We quickly make assumptions about the shooter being a misunderstood social outcast, victim of bullying with untreated mental illnesses and abusive parents. The reality is quite different. Many school shooters were honor roll students from “good” communities and affluent two-parent homes, and many didn’t have serious problems at school. They had friends, participated in extracurricular activities, and lead “normal” lives. But after the fact, many left journals and manifestos explaining how they felt wronged, how life was unfair, and how they were pushed to do what they did.

And we begin to feel sorry for them and our guilt kicks in. Did we really ignore the suffering of these young men? Did we bully them into retribution? Did we ignore all the signs of mental illness evident to cause these disasters? Is our society really this messed up?

And then, one interesting bit of information pops up. FBI studies show that school shooters tended to feel an exaggerated sense of entitlement, and that they reacted negatively when they were not treated the way they felt they were entitled to be treated. This sense of entitlement usually promotes an expressed intolerant attitude toward racial, ethnic, or religious minorities, as well as towards women and the LGBT community; all groups they view as being given unfair “special treatment.” This results in a sense of “aggrieved entitlement”, and as they view themselves as someone who “should be” at the top of the social order, this heightens their sense of being mistreated. When we take this into account, we begin to realize true magnitude of the problem.

As we think of criminal violence, we have the idea of the chaotic city, where random shootings done by “bad guys” carrying illegal guns happen every day. This fear has led to a rise of the “safer” homogenous community. What they have failed to realize is this kind of community is exactly where active shooter situations happen. Almost all school shootings happen in suburban and rural districts with multiple seemingly random or unspecific targets. The vast majority of these events were committed with guns purchased legally. Most of the killings were committed with semi-automatic hand guns or assault rifles.

But as psychologists try to create a profile of mass shooters, they are hit with the problem of “ordinariness.” As we try to create a relationship between mental health and active shooters; the reality is that most people with mental illness are not violent.

Many mass shootings are motivated by revenge or envy. That’s why many take place at a school or a workplace where shooters felt rejected. But again, to what degree is this feel a result of an exaggerated sense of entitlement, and to what degree is it actual rejection? These killers often exhibit risk factors that are generally tied to criminality: a history of abusive behavior, a tendency to hurt animals, a sadistic streak, self-centeredness, and a lack of compassion.

They plan out their actions and research their intended target area. In around 80% of school shootings at least one person had information that the attacker was thinking about or planning the school attack. In nearly 2/3, more than one person had information about the attack before it occurred. But how can this happen right under our noses without anyone noticing? We DO notice, but we choose to look the other way. And that’s where we have failed as a society.

The shooter may have journals; videos which they may send out to media outlets just before the attack or leave them accessible to the police. They may play off the notoriety of such events, fantasying about the infamy they will receive. At its core, these shootings are nothing more than an extreme demonstration of Trolling, an exhibition of egotistical narcissism to challenge the ordinary lives they lead.

We tell our kids every day just how special they are, and how proud we are of them no matter what. We love to brag as to how we feed their need to feel accepted, loved, and cared for, even if we don’t actually do it. We will fight any teacher who says they aren’t good enough or insult any coach who doesn’t take them into the team. We will sweep under the rug any problems they got into because that’s what a parent does. We will stand and fight for them, no matter what, because it’s our kid, and they are special and unique and the best kid around. Just like every other kid in their neighborhood.

Some embrace this sameness, others are eaten by it.

And we see the results of this attitude expressed all over society. From this perspective, we can realize how Elliot Rodger’s actions were a result of this aggrieved entitlement, and not just his hatred towards women. We can understand where a comment like “being sexually assaulted is a coveted status” comes from and the need to walk around with a fully loaded high powered rifle to go and pick up a box of Oreos. They create a disconnect with reality, where the only thing that matters is being the center of attention. They openly want the position of martyr, because at least as a martyr they are somebody. With all the media coverage, a school shooting is the ultimate demonstration of this attitude.

There is a way we can fix this situation and it’s creating a mentality of empathy, but not in the way you think. It’s not about being empathic with the boys, but about teaching them empathy. We need to fight the current society of self-centered narcissistic trolls that promotes this current trend of notoriety hunting. We need to stop worrying about the world we are leaving our children and start focusing what kind of children we are leaving the world.

Learn To Cut The Red Wire

Explain your anger, don’t express it, and you will immediately open the door to solutions instead of arguments.

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One of the biggest challenges when dealing with social interaction is when we place the need to be right and be heard over the need of doing right and hearing others. We, unconsciously, train ourselves to win arguments and assume that we are right. We tend to assume that any criticism is an attack on a personal level so we react by taking a defensive attitude, sometimes even going so far as to go on the offensive against the person who made the criticism. A larger problem arises when we realize we “might” be wrong, yet by this time we have dug ourselves so far down the hole, we don’t know how to get out.

With all our defense mechanisms we have developed to protect our ego, we forgot to develop the tools necessary to understand those with a different opinion than ours, we forgot that empathy to the pain and frustration of others is something you must develop. More so, we are never really taught the tools to properly express said empathy and interest in understanding. The closest we learn is to say “let’s agree to disagree.” To be honest, that phrase can be translated to “I don’t really care what you think and I’m tired of trying to make you realize I’m right.”

Our discussions shouldn’t be about expressing our anger and frustrations. They should be about explaining our anger and frustrations. The first one promotes the problem and is used to attack someone. The other is looking for understanding and for a solution. The other person might be hurt and is simply trying to find some retribution, even if it’s not the proper way to go about it. Keep in mind that you are just as responsible as the other person if the situation escalates. If anything, it’s your responsibility to deflate the issue, from an argument into a discussion. With that being said, how can you turn a situation from the first to the latter when you are at the receiving end of the debate?

The first thing is you must keep your own temper in check. Meeting anger with anger is like trying to extinguish a fire with gasoline. Be mindful of your own tone and volume, as these usually say more about a person’s intentions than the actual words they use. But what can you say to start creating a conversation where people can actually be understood. Well, let’s start with that.

“I may be misunderstanding…”

Start with the possibility that you don’t really understand what the problem is. It might even be that the person doesn’t quite understand the problem themselves. This forces the person to explain what is bothering them, rather than express the fact that they are bothered.

“How does that look to you?”

Often arguments are a result, not of a difference in opinions, but a difference in perspective. What you view in one way, the other person might view it in a different light. You are simply asking them to explain. It’s easier to understand something when you understand where the other person’s coming from.”

“I understand…”

Believe it or not, “I’m sorry” isn’t the most effective defuser of a situation, this is. “I understand” means you, well, understand. It means you actually place yourself in the other person’s shoes. Just avoid, AT ALL COSTS, to add the “but.” “I understand, but …” means you are planning to pretty much ignore the other person’s opinion.

“I’ve noticed…”

Defusing a situation isn’t just about one person calming down another, but about creating a conversation where both are part of the solution. This allows you to explain your point of view without making it into some kind of attack. It forces the other person to look at your perspective, but keep in mind this only works if the person has seen you are willing to do the same.

“Let me show you…”

Many times those who are angry don’t really want to see any other point of view or any other reality other than their own. This isn’t about showing how the other person is wrong and you are right, but about showing the person where you are coming from, what your perspective is.

“What alternative do you suggest?”

Here’s a tricky one. When genuinely done, this is about valuing the other person’s opinion and input. When spited out just to get it out of the way, this is pretty much along the same line as the empty “I’m sorry,” a condescending way to say “shut up already.”

“How can we work together to make this work?”

All too often, arguments are about one person telling the other to fix something without both taking some kind of responsibility for the solution. This forces both parties to actually work together for an inclusive solution.

“Let’s talk about what IS working.”

This might seem like you are redirecting the conversation to avoid the topic. This only works AFTER you have set the ground work for a proactive conversation. When you understand what works and why it does, this can be extrapolated to deal with what doesn’t work. It also turns the mode of the conversation into one where positive solutions are more possible instead of dragging on all the things that make a solution impossible.

Teach Respect With Respect

Nothing is more despicable than respect based on fear.

Albert Camus

A couple days ago, the net went into a buzz over the “Mother of the Year,” a woman who found out her son was involved in the Baltimore Riots. She went to where he was and started teaching the young man “discipline.” That wasn’t a lesson in discipline; it was a lesson in violence.

We complain about the violent nature of society, about men who resort to violence as a way to solve problems or to “inspire” respect. We see it in the police officer who enforces respect of the law through fear, the guy down the street who wants his rights respected through intimidation, the husband who expects respect in his home through domestic violence, or the mother who teaches her son respect by beating it into him.

And that’s where the problem starts. Most violent men learn to equate violence and respect, not in the streets, but at home while they were still kids. The belt or the “chancleta” (flip-flops) don’t teach respect, they teach fear. So we end up with men whose fear of getting caught doing the wrong thing is greater than their love of doing the right thing. We don’t want to create good men but simply to punish the bad out of them. 

That doesn’t work.

Unless men are taught about respect with respect, their view of what respect is will be distorted. We will end up with men who don’t really care about doing what’s right, but care about not getting caught doing what’s wrong. We will end up with men who think that you have to beat respect into your loved ones, as they assume that fear and respect is the same thing.

Does this mean we shouldn’t punish those who do wrong? That we should accept unacceptable behavior? No. Wrong should never be accepted or condoned. But as a man, I have no right to demean a person in their own eyes, I have no right to undermine a person’s self-respect in order for them to respect me.

Only my enemies should fear me, not my loved ones.

Maybe if we focused more on what a man can do right than what he is doing wrong, maybe, just maybe, we might end up with men doing more right than wrong. If we teach this lesson to our boys, we might end up with men who strive to be more.

Talk To Us. The First Of Several Social Skills Surveys.

Asking the right question is more important than knowing the right answer.

Being Caballero

As I mentioned in a previous post, living within any society means that personal interaction is a necessary part of life. Our ability to communicate with each other, to understand other, and to make ourselves understood is vital to living a full life. Some of us however find such interactions challenging or stressful. For some people, navigating within the social nuances becomes as challenging as navigating within a real storm. Their personal mannerisms turn even the most casual interactions into a battle with social norms and individual misunderstandings. In many cases, the characteristics that make a person different from the rest of society or their inability to fully express themselves becomes a source of frustration that lead to feelings of low self-esteem and self-worth. These feelings, so often, manifest in an anti-social attitude or even  into actual violent behavior so common today. 

Previously I had mentioned how we might think we understand a problem, but it’s our own preconceptions that keep us from fully understanding its reality and finding a useful solution. Instead, we assume we understand the problem without really looking at it and end up developing a catch-all solution that only works to make us feel better about how smart we are. The actual results? Those are pretty questionable. 

I want to look at social skills from as many perspectives as possible. Posting up an article or making a workshop based solely on a personal bias or developing a generic solution would be a disservice to all who read our posts. (Not to mention how doing it this way is a pretty arrogant attitude.) So instead of thinking I know what you go through, why not ask? I want to listen to what you have to say and consider how you feel. 

To be able to do this, we are devising a series of surveys based on several aspects on the topic of social skills. We want you to become part of our team; in a way we ask you to become our focus group. These surveys will help us better understand what social challenges our readers go through and how we can best provide advice and service.

The first survey we developed focuses on the general concepts of social skills and its general challenges. Your identity and answers are completely confidential, but will help us develop a better understanding and a clearer image of what others go through. and helping us to produce better content. 

Please, talk to us. We are here to listen. Head over to the first of several surveys and let’s create this path together.

Being Caballero's Survey on Social Skills & Challenges

The Dangerous You

Death is nothing, but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily.

Napoleon Bonaparte

I have seen men defeated, I have seen men ashamed of themselves, and I have seen men who feel unworthy. I have also seen a world that does everything in its power to create men like that, to break men into submission. And I know this is true because I have been among these men. And I know this is not how any man was meant to live.

In the depth of this hole, I have also discovered the one of the most important lessons I have learned. You are all alone in this world. People might offer a helping hand, and they might give you support, but after everything is said and done, you are all alone. And that is OK, because you are all you need. You are powerful, and you need to realize it.

And when you finally realize just how powerful you are, you become dangerous to the world, or at least to the world that thrives in breaking men. You realize that you can survive this cruel world, and then world stops being cruel, it stops being a threat to you. The world breaks everyone, but some just become stronger at the broken places.

You stop living for people’s acceptance, so you stop dying from their rejection. You stand tall for yourself. You grow stronger as you realize that you ARE strong. You are no longer willing to let anyone put you down. And this gives you power, yet that’s not what makes you dangerous.

You empathize with those broken because you have been there. You understand those that have fallen as you fell once. And you’ll be damned if you will let it break anyone else without you taking action. You’re strength becomes contagious, becoming inspiration to other men to find their own strength. It’s this empathy, this need to help others and not your strength, which makes you dangerous to a cruel world, as you make it a little less cruel.