Challenging Men’s Culture of Entitlement in Times of Mass Shootings

(I originally posted this article in Good Men Project back in June 20, 2014 after the Isla Vista killings. 4 years later and NOTHING has changed.)

Helen: Everyone’s special, Dash.

Dash: [muttering] Which is another way of saying no one is.

The Incredibles (2004)

As we horribly wait for the next school shooting, which should happen in a couple of weeks if the prevalent pattern continues, we desperately try to find answers and solutions. We try to empathize with the killers, if for no other reason, out of guilt for failing these young men. You would think with the 74 school shootings within the last 18 months, we would have a clear profile by now. Yet, to date, the FBI’s attempts to profile school shooters haven’t found a determinative set of specific traits they consider good predictors. These were ordinary men and boys who chose out of the ordinary actions to express themselves… And there lies the profile, “Ordinary Young Men.”

We quickly make assumptions about the shooter being a misunderstood social outcast, victim of bullying with untreated mental illnesses and abusive parents. The reality is quite different. Many school shooters were honor roll students from “good” communities and affluent two-parent homes, and many didn’t have serious problems at school. They had friends, participated in extracurricular activities, and lead “normal” lives. But after the fact, many left journals and manifestos explaining how they felt wronged, how life was unfair, and how they were pushed to do what they did.

And we begin to feel sorry for them and our guilt kicks in. Did we really ignore the suffering of these young men? Did we bully them into retribution? Did we ignore all the signs of mental illness evident to cause these disasters? Is our society really this messed up?

And then, one interesting bit of information pops up. FBI studies show that school shooters tended to feel an exaggerated sense of entitlement, and that they reacted negatively when they were not treated the way they felt they were entitled to be treated. This sense of entitlement usually promotes an expressed intolerant attitude toward racial, ethnic, or religious minorities, as well as towards women and the LGBT community; all groups they view as being given unfair “special treatment.” This results in a sense of “aggrieved entitlement”, and as they view themselves as someone who “should be” at the top of the social order, this heightens their sense of being mistreated. When we take this into account, we begin to realize true magnitude of the problem.

As we think of criminal violence, we have the idea of the chaotic city, where random shootings done by “bad guys” carrying illegal guns happen every day. This fear has led to a rise of the “safer” homogenous community. What they have failed to realize is this kind of community is exactly where active shooter situations happen. Almost all school shootings happen in suburban and rural districts with multiple seemingly random or unspecific targets. The vast majority of these events were committed with guns purchased legally. Most of the killings were committed with semi-automatic hand guns or assault rifles.

But as psychologists try to create a profile of mass shooters, they are hit with the problem of “ordinariness.” As we try to create a relationship between mental health and active shooters; the reality is that most people with mental illness are not violent.

Many mass shootings are motivated by revenge or envy. That’s why many take place at a school or a workplace where shooters felt rejected. But again, to what degree is this feel a result of an exaggerated sense of entitlement, and to what degree is it actual rejection? These killers often exhibit risk factors that are generally tied to criminality: a history of abusive behavior, a tendency to hurt animals, a sadistic streak, self-centeredness, and a lack of compassion.

They plan out their actions and research their intended target area. In around 80% of school shootings at least one person had information that the attacker was thinking about or planning the school attack. In nearly 2/3, more than one person had information about the attack before it occurred. But how can this happen right under our noses without anyone noticing? We DO notice, but we choose to look the other way. And that’s where we have failed as a society.

The shooter may have journals; videos which they may send out to media outlets just before the attack or leave them accessible to the police. They may play off the notoriety of such events, fantasying about the infamy they will receive. At its core, these shootings are nothing more than an extreme demonstration of Trolling, an exhibition of egotistical narcissism to challenge the ordinary lives they lead.

We tell our kids every day just how special they are, and how proud we are of them no matter what. We love to brag as to how we feed their need to feel accepted, loved, and cared for, even if we don’t actually do it. We will fight any teacher who says they aren’t good enough or insult any coach who doesn’t take them into the team. We will sweep under the rug any problems they got into because that’s what a parent does. We will stand and fight for them, no matter what, because it’s our kid, and they are special and unique and the best kid around. Just like every other kid in their neighborhood.

Some embrace this sameness, others are eaten by it.

And we see the results of this attitude expressed all over society. From this perspective, we can realize how Elliot Rodger’s actions were a result of this aggrieved entitlement, and not just his hatred towards women. We can understand where a comment like “being sexually assaulted is a coveted status” comes from and the need to walk around with a fully loaded high powered rifle to go and pick up a box of Oreos. They create a disconnect with reality, where the only thing that matters is being the center of attention. They openly want the position of martyr, because at least as a martyr they are somebody. With all the media coverage, a school shooting is the ultimate demonstration of this attitude.

There is a way we can fix this situation and it’s creating a mentality of empathy, but not in the way you think. It’s not about being empathic with the boys, but about teaching them empathy. We need to fight the current society of self-centered narcissistic trolls that promotes this current trend of notoriety hunting. We need to stop worrying about the world we are leaving our children and start focusing what kind of children we are leaving the world.

Fighting Against A Not So Brave New World

You might want to target a girls school which is safer because there are no beta males throwing themselves for their rescue.

Anonymous

See the quote above? It’s not meant to be inspirational but a horrible exposition of our modern society.

The day before the Umpqua College shooting that took 13 people and injured 20 others, it’s believed that the killer headed to the anonymous forum of the university to discuss his intentions. The reaction from several other posters, instead of trying to talk him out of hit or alerting the authorities, was to offer their advice on how to best execute his plan! Again, the same rhetoric that we saw after the Isla Vista shooting in 2014 came up, to go after women as they offer an easier target, but to do this, he needed to avoid “beta males throwing themselves for their rescue.”

Back then I discussed how we as a society create and feed this kind of monsters. I commented how a culture of cowardly infamy and a need to be noticed no matter what provided the perfect breeding ground for this kind of cowardly act. What I didn’t consider back then is how we already have a way to dissuade this kind of events, something that hit me across the face as I read that quote.

…No beta males throwing themselves for their rescue…

I found this quote rather surprising as this behavior is exactly what has been socially defined as the Beta Male.  The Beta Male, as defined by Urban Dictionary, is “an unremarkable, careful man who avoids risk and confrontation. Beta males lack the physical presence, charisma and confidence of the Alpha male.” Yet with that definition, most acts of White Knighting are usually attributed to beta males. Last I checked, throwing yourself in harm’s way to protect others is actually the opposite of “avoids risk and confrontation.”

Unfortunately, the extreme factions within the Feminist movement have promoted the idea that any man stepping up and helping women is an open act of sexist and a promotion of the patriarchy. On the other end of the SJW spectrum, the extreme MRA’s (Men’s Rights Activists) promote the idea that men being told to step up and defend women are actually hurting men as it promotes the idea that a man’s life is worth less than a woman’s.

Just to be clear, neither of these extreme factions represents either the Feminist Movement or the Men’s Right Movement and shouldn’t be used to diminish what both groups do to help gender equality. Now if both movements would try to keep in check and muzzle their more radical members that would be great.

So how can we challenge a word that tells men not to step up? How can we promote the idea that everyone is willing to run and hide, letting evil run rampant? How can we change a world where everyone validates their personal Victimhood as an excuse to commit horrible acts?

The answer is rather simple. By letting the world know you’re not a victim. I’m not talking about walking around with an assault rifle flung over your shoulder. In truth, I view that as an act of promoting the notion of victimhood as you believe it will keep you from being a victim. I am talking about having the moral fiber and the character to do moral acts no matter what society tells you. It’s about speaking up and standing up when they want you to sit down and be quiet. It’s about keeping your warrior spirit alive when everyone wants you to kill it off. It’s about wearing that White Knight Armour proudly. 

Rejection, The Online Dating Edition or "What The Hell’s Wrong With Guys Today?"

Most fears of rejection rest on the desire for approval from other people. Don't base your self-esteem on their opinions.

Harvey Mackay

A couple of days ago, a post was forwarded to me by a female friend asking for my opinion. The  basic idea of the post? As the article opening statement clearly mentions: “Man gives attention to a woman. Woman expresses her lack of desire for said attention. Man immediately turns hostile.” To read the full article, click here. My friend’s question was pretty simple.

What the hell’s wrong with guys today?

In actuality, her comments were a little more complex and involve several phrases that would shame most experienced seamen, but that’s neither here nor there. To be honest, I can’t really blame her comments as I have noticed how common this behavior is in the online dating circuit. It’s common enough to merit the Internet’s attention by exposing this behavior in previous articles like this one and this one. After looking this, and plenty more information about the subject I ended up with just one question in mind.

What the hell’s wrong with guys today?

Sure, we could blame a patriarchal society, male entitlement, and sexism. Everyone else seems to do it. But to be honest, every time people place blame on such abstract concept, it’s usually so they don’t have to think about an issue and find a more tangible cause and solution, it’s little more than a cop out.

So I started thinking about it, why can’t any of these guys (note that I will neither use the term men nor gentlemen when speaking about these guys) take the hint that the lady in question isn’t interested, nor why can’t they accept a simple “No.” What’s the emotional and social baggage that makes them incapable of dealing with rejection? And that’s when it hit me. The key word to find an answer isn’t “men,” or “sexism;” it’s “rejection.”

Please keep in mind as we move forward that I’m not saying that these guys aren’t sexist. What I’m saying is that they turn hostile (hurt) due to a rejection. They probably would have shown their sexist colors anyway later on. Also this isn’t your typical man, as most men aren’t like this. Unfortunately, today’s social media lives by feeding you with the worst case as if it was the typical case. We eat it up, share it out, and relate to it because who can’t relate with the idea of dealing with that one asshole who ruined your entire day?

But back to the topic in hand, why do these guys act this way? Because we trained them this way! Just take a second, stop thinking about the actual event and think about what we have been taught about dealing with rejection. They usually come in two varieties.

“Never take ‘No’ for an answer. Rejection just means you need to try harder.”

or

“It’s not that you’re not good enough. It’s that the other person failed to see what you had to offer”

These might sound like wonderful and inspiring life messages until you think about their effect on a person’s behavior. The first one teaches you that ‘No’ is unacceptable and that whenever you get that answer, you just need to try harder and more aggressively to achieve your success. Nice lesson to learn is a society where consent is so important whenever you are interacting with anyone. The second one teaches you to blame everything on everyone around you and their rejection is viewed as an attack based on the other person’s issues. Then we wonder where our current attitude of entitlement comes from.

We have these lessons drilled into our minds since we are kids. How many times have we heard a Mom tell her young boy that he’s special, and if the other kids don’t want to play with him, it’s their loss? (while glad that her wonderful son is no longer dating that tramp) How many times have we heard a Dad tell his daughter that she’s too good for the boy who dumped her? (while secretly planning the jerk’s demise)

But why do we see this behavior typically from guys? It’s not that women don’t have their fair share of assholes. It’s that in our current social behavior it’s the man who usually does the opening move. Due to this, the numeric probability is that you will see more male assholes than female assholes, at least in this specific scenario. It’s not that women don’t do the same, as there are plenty of stories of gals questioning a man’s masculinity as soon as he rejects her.

So how do we keep this from happening, or at the very least lessen the probabilities of this happening? We could start teaching our kids to deal with rejection from a positive perspective. We need to stop teaching how to handle hearing the word ‘No’ in a way that the person doesn’t feel insulted. We need to stop measuring our self-worth based on other people’s approval.

“I Just Want To See You As Messed Up As Me.”

You can’t fix yourself by breaking someone else.

Unknown

As of late, I have been looking over several social situations, some that hit close to home and some that are just general issues that affect me indirectly. This got me wondering why I have stepped away from the activism front. I mean, when I started Being Caballero, part of me wanted to give men the tools to better themselves, but another part wished to help make this a better world in general. This second half made me question how I could do it without being in the front line of the debate. That’s when I look at the front-liners and understand why I stepped away.

Most people don’t want to change the world to a better place. Their intentions aren’t to fix a problem, nor is it to produce solutions, but rather to wallow in the fact that the issue exists. These can be broken down into two distinct groups, the Wounded and the Patch-Sellers. The sad part is that neither group wants to fix the problem they fight against. They just want to see the other person messed up.

The Wounded just want others to feel as hurt as they do, where retribution becomes an all-consuming goal. This want is forged by a need for others to understand their pain, a thirst for vengeance, or simply a disdain for anyone not suffering as well. They view life as unjust, as they can’t accept anyone having happiness or success if they don’t have it as well. All too often we find ourselves “helping” these people by becoming their weapons of “justice” or punishing ourselves; either are done usually out of a sense of guilt. The reality is this first group deserves sympathy, understanding, and support. They need our help and our empathy, but remember that neither is achieved by attacking someone else or torturing ourselves.

The Patch-Sellers, on the other hand, are simply looking for an excuse to manifest behavior that otherwise would be frowned upon through the use of manufactured rage and theatrical disgust. Their weapons are thing that are usually viewed under a negative light, such as aggression, oppression, abuse, and shaming yet society tends to find these actions acceptable and are even applaud them when done for “the right reasons” to help the “right people.” All too often, the Patch-Sellers will use the Wounded as pawns and shields to avoid reprisal from others, as the Patch-Sellers reap the benefit of a constant conflict as they promote an “eye for an eye” mentality. There is a reality that comes from the “an eye for an eye” ideology; the man selling the eye patches gets rich. Usually the Patch-Seller have set up shop long before the conflict became popular.

Before you get guilted into action, consider what the problem is and what's the solution you want to achieve. If you just want to take action for action’s sake, to feel like you are doing something, you will probably just complicate the problem even further and often end up hurting innocent people along the way. Stop and consider if you are even being used to promote someone’s interests and agenda. There is the real possibility that you are being used as your idea of righteousness and honor actually makes you somewhat predicable.

If you are ever in doubt over what you should do, just consider that helping someone never involves hurting someone else. You can’t fix one person by breaking another.

Learning To Do Good Things From Bad People.

I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers.

Khalil Gibran

There is a social side effect of surrounding yourself with the right people; you end up surrounded with the right kind of people. This isn’t always a good thing. I know that comment makes little sense when taken alone, but I promise I’ll explain in a second.

When we start looking to change, to evolve, like-minded people will gravitate towards you. After a while, you will notice how much your world has changed for the better. And often it changes so much that you might forget why this change was necessary, why you started down this path. You might even start taking for granted all you have grown and how much society has grown, as you become comfortable with where you are.

Then you see some idiot shows you just how messed up the world still is.

It might be something that popped up in the news, some post in your social media, or even some comment made by a random person. At this point you will wonder where the hell this person came from since, within YOUR world, this kind of mentality is so uncommon. That’s the problem… within your world.

As you surround yourself with the right people, you tend to forget that the wrong people are still out there. All too often we assume that our work is mostly done simply because we no longer have a front row seat to the disasters that humans so often are. These people and these events come into our lives to keep us from forgetting the good fight. I am not saying that we should be grateful for these kinds of events, but that we should never forget that they still happen, even if they become fewer within our lives.

So, no matter how well you are doing, still go out into the world to do good. There is plenty of good that still needs to be done. Don’t make your world so small that only those who think like you live there, but keep it large enough to still see those you don’t want to see. And never forget why you started down the path.