Fighting Against A Not So Brave New World

You might want to target a girls school which is safer because there are no beta males throwing themselves for their rescue.

Anonymous

See the quote above? It’s not meant to be inspirational but a horrible exposition of our modern society.

The day before the Umpqua College shooting that took 13 people and injured 20 others, it’s believed that the killer headed to the anonymous forum of the university to discuss his intentions. The reaction from several other posters, instead of trying to talk him out of hit or alerting the authorities, was to offer their advice on how to best execute his plan! Again, the same rhetoric that we saw after the Isla Vista shooting in 2014 came up, to go after women as they offer an easier target, but to do this, he needed to avoid “beta males throwing themselves for their rescue.”

Back then I discussed how we as a society create and feed this kind of monsters. I commented how a culture of cowardly infamy and a need to be noticed no matter what provided the perfect breeding ground for this kind of cowardly act. What I didn’t consider back then is how we already have a way to dissuade this kind of events, something that hit me across the face as I read that quote.

…No beta males throwing themselves for their rescue…

I found this quote rather surprising as this behavior is exactly what has been socially defined as the Beta Male.  The Beta Male, as defined by Urban Dictionary, is “an unremarkable, careful man who avoids risk and confrontation. Beta males lack the physical presence, charisma and confidence of the Alpha male.” Yet with that definition, most acts of White Knighting are usually attributed to beta males. Last I checked, throwing yourself in harm’s way to protect others is actually the opposite of “avoids risk and confrontation.”

Unfortunately, the extreme factions within the Feminist movement have promoted the idea that any man stepping up and helping women is an open act of sexist and a promotion of the patriarchy. On the other end of the SJW spectrum, the extreme MRA’s (Men’s Rights Activists) promote the idea that men being told to step up and defend women are actually hurting men as it promotes the idea that a man’s life is worth less than a woman’s.

Just to be clear, neither of these extreme factions represents either the Feminist Movement or the Men’s Right Movement and shouldn’t be used to diminish what both groups do to help gender equality. Now if both movements would try to keep in check and muzzle their more radical members that would be great.

So how can we challenge a word that tells men not to step up? How can we promote the idea that everyone is willing to run and hide, letting evil run rampant? How can we change a world where everyone validates their personal Victimhood as an excuse to commit horrible acts?

The answer is rather simple. By letting the world know you’re not a victim. I’m not talking about walking around with an assault rifle flung over your shoulder. In truth, I view that as an act of promoting the notion of victimhood as you believe it will keep you from being a victim. I am talking about having the moral fiber and the character to do moral acts no matter what society tells you. It’s about speaking up and standing up when they want you to sit down and be quiet. It’s about keeping your warrior spirit alive when everyone wants you to kill it off. It’s about wearing that White Knight Armour proudly. 

Please Don’t Feed The Fears.

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate; but it is fear.

Ghandi.

Recently the net went on an uproar as a young Muslim teen was arrested for bringing into school a homemade clock as a teacher assumed it was a makeshift bomb. Cries of Islamophobia, racism, and bigotry went off as everyone posted their support for the young man within the hashtag #IStandWithAhmed. And as outcries and condemnations of the hate many Muslims within our society have to endure, it got me thinking of every other case of discrimination where “hate” is blamed.

I started considering all those other cases where the net calls out the issue of bigotry against specific groups, but instead of simply assuming these are born out of hate, I started to consider them from the eyes of those discriminating. The only way to understand a situation is by placing yourself on both ends of the spectrum while trying not to applaud outright or condemn outright. Why? Because quite often those we accuse of bigotry and hatred don’t view their own actions as being born out of hate. Some even view their actions as righteous and necessary, viewing themselves as “the good guys.” Before you accuse them, not only of bigotry but of delusional as well, it might be a good idea to step into their shoes; look at things from their perspective, if for nothing else to better understand them as people, to humanize them even if they don't do the same. Maybe then we can understand why our fight against hatred is falling miserably.

What if the issue isn’t hate, but rather fear?

We live within a society absolutely obsessed with protecting ourselves from threats, where every step we take and every event brings along an endless list of things to fear. Take a moment to look at the same events you would assume are the result of bigotry, and look at them from the perspective of fear.

Cops fear that the random black man is actually an armed thug.

Your average US American fears that the border crossing Latino is actually a drug runner or the Arab is really an ISIS terrorist.

Blacks, Latinos and Arabs fear that cops will attack without any real provocation.

But it goes beyond race.

Blue collar workers fear that the immigrants will steal their jobs.

Conservatives fear that marriage between gays will damage the concept of families.

Liberals fear that anyone who open carries will suddenly go out on a killing rampage.

Feminists fear that men are potential rapists.

Men’s Rights Activists fear that women can make up rape accusations.

Religious people fear the atheist’s influence in society while the the Atheist fears the effects of religion in society.

And the list goes on and on.

This fear breads the demonization those they fear while humanizing their own daemons. Cops use excessive force against Blacks and Latinos, massive protests are called out to stop children from crossing our borders, criminalization of the Muslim community, discrimination against gays, etc. All of this is done under the banner of self-defense, so calling them out as acts born out of bigotry can easily be dismissed.

And it becomes even easier to dismiss as those with common fears band together to pat each other in the back and cheer each other on. What do people do with what they fear? They attack it. We see this within every single social movement as they call out everything they hate about everyone else under the guise of justice, when in reality it’s little more than a support group to deal with their fears.

I can almost hear you quoting Yoda as you equate fear and hate. (“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”) But when we focus our actions to deal with the resulting hate, we do nothing to stop the fear that gave birth to it in the first place. We need to stop fighting the hate speech and fight the fear speech.

This isn’t done by calling out privilege. Calling out privilege is little more than “let me make you feel just as bad for something you can’t control as you treat me badly for something I can’t control.” As a tool for retribution and vengeance, sure it works fine. That’s if your final goal is just getting even. Me? I prefer to find solutions to the bigger problem.

We need to condemn and challenge every single bullshit stereotype that is used to label people. We need to call out everyone profiteering from force feeding out society fear. We need to call out every media channel and outlet who profit from telling us what to hate and who to fear. We need to realize that Black doesn’t equal thugs, Latino doesn’t equal drug dealers, Muslims doesn’t equal terrorists, White doesn’t equal privilege, Cop doesn’t equal killer, Men don’t equal rapists, etc. We need to call out these sites and programs for what they are.

Fear mongers profiting from us like parasites.

Fear is a hard habit to break. Within our social setting it means trusting your fellow man, and that’s something very hard to do when you’re constantly thinking about how others look out only for themselves. Maybe that’s what needs to change, maybe if we stopped focusing so much on the ME and focused more on the WE, we wouldn’t fear so much. But till that happens, we could start with simply asking for one thing.

Please do not feed the fears.

Teach Respect With Respect

Nothing is more despicable than respect based on fear.

Albert Camus

A couple days ago, the net went into a buzz over the “Mother of the Year,” a woman who found out her son was involved in the Baltimore Riots. She went to where he was and started teaching the young man “discipline.” That wasn’t a lesson in discipline; it was a lesson in violence.

We complain about the violent nature of society, about men who resort to violence as a way to solve problems or to “inspire” respect. We see it in the police officer who enforces respect of the law through fear, the guy down the street who wants his rights respected through intimidation, the husband who expects respect in his home through domestic violence, or the mother who teaches her son respect by beating it into him.

And that’s where the problem starts. Most violent men learn to equate violence and respect, not in the streets, but at home while they were still kids. The belt or the “chancleta” (flip-flops) don’t teach respect, they teach fear. So we end up with men whose fear of getting caught doing the wrong thing is greater than their love of doing the right thing. We don’t want to create good men but simply to punish the bad out of them. 

That doesn’t work.

Unless men are taught about respect with respect, their view of what respect is will be distorted. We will end up with men who don’t really care about doing what’s right, but care about not getting caught doing what’s wrong. We will end up with men who think that you have to beat respect into your loved ones, as they assume that fear and respect is the same thing.

Does this mean we shouldn’t punish those who do wrong? That we should accept unacceptable behavior? No. Wrong should never be accepted or condoned. But as a man, I have no right to demean a person in their own eyes, I have no right to undermine a person’s self-respect in order for them to respect me.

Only my enemies should fear me, not my loved ones.

Maybe if we focused more on what a man can do right than what he is doing wrong, maybe, just maybe, we might end up with men doing more right than wrong. If we teach this lesson to our boys, we might end up with men who strive to be more.

The Most Important Questions A Husband Can Ask

A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short.

Andre Maurois

Let me start by saying how surprised I was with some of the results of the ongoing survey about social skills, specifically the fact that most of our readers are actually married. I was surprised mainly because most of the gentlemen I work with are either young men looking to define themselves or men looking to redefine themselves after a divorce. The survey is already bearing fruits.

That said, one of the main issues most spouses have, or at least the most common complaint about husbands, is the lack of communication and openness with their partner. This is perfectly understandable considering the work focused generation that came before us, men who closed themselves out, working from sun up to sun down while becoming absentee members of a family whose main purpose was that of a provider. Anyone who grew up within that environment knows what I’m talking about, a husband and a father figure who was more symbolic than in actual participation. The irony was most of these same husbands would then feel unappreciated or disconnected from the very family they shut out. If there is any question as to how much damage this lifestyle does to a man, consider that the highest rate of alcoholism and suicide within our society are men between 40-60 years old.

Society has changed as both men and women share the financial burden and the household chores. They both participate in raising children as men become every day more and more involved with their kid’s life. Yet, this defensive “shelling in” attitude that most men have, especially when speaking with their spouse, is still alive and well.

Considering that your significant other is basically your partner, the person whom you trust enough to spend your life with, how can you start opening up those channels of communications in an honest manner? You and your spouse should trust each other enough to be able to talk to each other, yet for some men it’s easier for them to deal with medieval torture than it is to deal with talking to their partner. Keep in mind that if you don’t trust your spouse to be open with them or your spouse doesn’t trust you, you have bigger issues than just communication.

So, how do you break that cycle of the "recluse man" society has ingrained into our psyche? It’s not easy, so I am not going to lie to you. Opening up to someone after so many years of shutting people out based on a self-preservation instinct is a challenge. Showing “weakness” (society has told men that openness IS weakness) to the very person you have to show how strong you are for them isn’t a simple task. There is a rather simple hack you can do to get the ball rolling, a trick you can try today if you want to.

At some point when you see your spouse today, place everything on hold. Make sure the kids are in bed (if you have kids), there is no impending crisis to be dealt with, and no other random interruption to pop up. Look at the person and ask them a simple question.

How was your day?

Then, listen. Listen intently at the person who you promised to spend the rest of your days with. Listen as if your relationship depended on it. Listen as if they were the only person in the world for that moment. Because the reality is, that your relationship depends on it. It depends on the fact that you care enough to actually care how they feel, what they go through every day, no matter how inconsequential anyone else might think it is.

“I love you” simply lets the other person know something. You are telling them about you. But a true sign of love isn’t about telling something to someone, but about caring enough to listen to someone.

While listening, DON’T try to give solutions. This isn’t about giving your opinion or trying to fix a problem. It’s about a person sharing who they are, opening up, to the person they will spend the rest of their days with.  And sooner than later, you will notice how you will be able to stand in front of your spouse and actually answer that question yourself.