Explain your anger, don’t
express it, and you will immediately open the door to solutions instead of arguments.
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One of the biggest challenges when
dealing with social interaction is when we place the need to be right and be
heard over the need of doing right and hearing others. We, unconsciously, train
ourselves to win arguments and assume that we are right. We tend to assume that
any criticism is an attack on a personal level so we react by taking a
defensive attitude, sometimes even going so far as to go on the offensive
against the person who made the criticism. A larger problem arises when we
realize we “might” be wrong, yet by this time we have dug ourselves so far down
the hole, we don’t know how to get out.
With all our defense mechanisms we
have developed to protect our ego, we forgot to develop the tools necessary to
understand those with a different opinion than ours, we forgot that empathy to
the pain and frustration of others is something you must develop. More so, we
are never really taught the tools to properly express said empathy and interest
in understanding. The closest we learn is to say “let’s agree to disagree.” To
be honest, that phrase can be translated to “I don’t really care what you think
and I’m tired of trying to make you realize I’m right.”
Our discussions shouldn’t be about expressing our anger and frustrations.
They should be about explaining our
anger and frustrations. The first one promotes the problem and is used to
attack someone. The other is looking for understanding and for a solution. The
other person might be hurt and is simply trying to find some retribution, even
if it’s not the proper way to go about it. Keep in mind that you are just as
responsible as the other person if the situation escalates. If anything, it’s
your responsibility to deflate the issue, from an argument into a discussion.
With that being said, how can you turn a situation from the first to the latter
when you are at the receiving end of the debate?
The first thing is you must keep
your own temper in check. Meeting anger with anger is like trying to extinguish
a fire with gasoline. Be mindful of your own tone and volume, as these usually
say more about a person’s intentions than the actual words they use. But what
can you say to start creating a conversation where people can actually be
understood. Well, let’s start with that.
“I may be
misunderstanding…”
Start with the possibility that you don’t really understand
what the problem is. It might even be that the person doesn’t quite understand the
problem themselves. This forces the person to explain what is bothering them,
rather than express the fact that they are bothered.
“How does
that look to you?”
Often arguments are a result, not of a difference in
opinions, but a difference in perspective. What you view in one way, the other
person might view it in a different light. You are simply asking them to
explain. It’s easier to understand something when you understand where the
other person’s coming from.”
“I
understand…”
Believe it or not, “I’m sorry” isn’t the most effective defuser
of a situation, this is. “I understand” means you, well, understand. It means
you actually place yourself in the other person’s shoes. Just avoid, AT ALL
COSTS, to add the “but.” “I understand, but …” means you are planning to
pretty much ignore the other person’s opinion.
“I’ve
noticed…”
Defusing a situation isn’t just about one person calming
down another, but about creating a conversation where both are part of the
solution. This allows you to explain your point of view without making it into
some kind of attack. It forces the other person to look at your perspective,
but keep in mind this only works if the person has seen you are willing to do
the same.
“Let me
show you…”
Many times those who are angry don’t really want to see any
other point of view or any other reality other than their own. This isn’t about
showing how the other person is wrong and you are right, but about showing the
person where you are coming from, what your perspective is.
“What
alternative do you suggest?”
Here’s a tricky one. When genuinely done, this is about valuing
the other person’s opinion and input. When spited out just to get it out of the
way, this is pretty much along the same line as the empty “I’m sorry,” a condescending way to say
“shut up already.”
“How can
we work together to make this work?”
All too often, arguments are about one person telling the
other to fix something without both taking some kind of responsibility for the
solution. This forces both parties to actually work together for an inclusive
solution.
“Let’s
talk about what IS working.”
This might seem like you are redirecting the conversation to
avoid the topic. This only works AFTER you have set the ground work for a
proactive conversation. When you understand what works and why it does, this
can be extrapolated to deal with what doesn’t work. It also turns the mode of
the conversation into one where positive solutions are more possible instead of
dragging on all the things that make a solution impossible.
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