Ladies, We Need Your Help

There are two ways of exerting one’s strength:

One is pushing down,

The other is pulling up.

Booker T. Washington

Ladies,

Usually I will post here, specifically directing my words to men, as most of what is posted here is focused on men becoming more, on working on themselves, not to impress women, but to better themselves. I have mentioned how this is a path they must walk by themselves as they take accountability for their own actions and development.

We understand how men need to be allies to women’s fight for gender equality and social justice. We see the importance of men becoming allies and taking up an active participation on women’s issues in campaigns such as #HeForShe and Man Up. We are aware of the awful statistics of what women have to deal with and have learned how men can challenge a sexist culture by simply standing up against what’s expected from them as guys.

But now, I am asking for your help as women.

All too often, society doesn’t see the flip side of the coin, as it assumes that men’s issues are reduced to men whining about not getting a date or, at best, men having unrealistic expectations placed on them due to gender stereotypes. The reality is a lot more palpable than just fighting social expectations and it’s a reality that’s killing us; sometimes metaphorically while other times literally.

Did you know that 1 in 4 men are victims of domestic violence? Did you know that 1 in 6 men are victims of sexual abuse since they are boys? Did you know that even though society admits men and women are equally capable as parents, after a divorce only 14% of men gain primary custody? And those without it, did you know they are usually only allowed to see their kids every other weekend. That’s only 4 days a month for those mathematically challenged.

Did you know that there are very few support groups and even less resources available to create awareness to issues like these or help men deal? The funny thing is that when they exist, these are under constant attack and ridicule by those unwilling to recognize the reality of many men. If you knew all of this, then it probably doesn’t surprise you that, even though suicide rates have gone down, in the case of men between the ages of 40-55, they have actually gone up. This has become such an issue that currently 80% of all suicides are committed by men.

Society as a whole is killing us and then it blames us for it.

And this is why I’m asking for your help. Men are told to look for help, but when they actually stretch out their hand looking for a life line; it’s slapped away by both other men and women who refuse to see the problem. Gender issues and challenges are treated as an open war between the sexes where each group plays up their own challenges, expecting empathy and help, while dismissing what others go through.

We need to stop viewing the world as two different worlds, but at a single world where we have both been responsible for the good and bad each gender goes through. Just as it’s important for men to become allies to women, it’s also important for women to become allies to men. For that reason, I ask for your help.

Men can’t change the world alone just as women can’t either.

The most powerful act…

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

Leo Buscaglia

We know that the world needs more compassion, more caring, more helping, more empowering. Part of this might be achieved by simply having less assholes, but the reality is it needs, not just people not doing wrong, but people doing right. And we see it done by people doing great acts of goodness like those who set up shelters and soup kitchens for the needy, and those who help people get back on their feet, those who open up their borders to refugees, for example. But when we see these acts, we end up thinking what can I do when it’s just me?

So the internet says that one man can change the world, that one simple action can save a live. And it all sounds great in theory, yet we end up feeling that we can’t have such an impact in the world, because it’s just us and the world needs a lot of help. We end up doing nothing theory isn’t the same as reality. Can one man do something to help his fellow men with something as simple as a small act of compassion?

Let me tell you about Don Ritchie and “the Gap.”

The Gap is a cliff at Watsons Bay in Australia. Its fame grew, not because of the natural beauty, but because it became a place where, about once a week, someone would go there end their lives. The local authorities tried to deal with the situation by installing security cameras, Lifeline counselling booths, information boards to help organizations, and even a fence to keep people from leaping to their deaths. In most cases, these deterrents did little to solve the problem. There was one thing that did help.

A man armed compassion and a cup of tea.

Don Ritchie, a WWII Naval Veteran and retired insurance agent, lived about 50 meters from the notorious suicide spot since 1964. By 2009, the official tally of people he saved from ending their lives was 164 but at the time of his death in 2012, his close friends actually place that number around 500. For that reason he earned the nickname the “Angel of The Gap.”

Every time he saw a would-be jumper, he would walk up and ask “Is there something I could do to help you?” and promised them a cup of hot tea in his home. Most of these people just needed someone to talk to, someone who listened to them, someone who cares. Ritchie explained his intervention in suicide attempts saying "you can't just sit there and watch them."

“It's important for troubled people to know that there are complete strangers out there, like myself, who are willing and able to help them get through that dark time and to come out on the other side."

During an interview, he explained that he wasn’t haunted by the thoughts of those he couldn’t save. He accepts that there was nothing more he could have done. Instead he focuses his thoughts on those he could save. The most amazing thing about this man is how he kept his own optimism and hope alive while carrying his own battle against cancer for the last few years of his life. When asked what would happen when he was no longer around, the same optimism that guides his compassion shined through as he hopes that “someone else will come along and do what I’ve been doing.”

The reality of a compassionate life isn’t measured by those you couldn’t save, but by those you did. It’s not measured by that huge gesture that went viral, but by all those small acts of kindness. It’s not measured by how much fame you gain, but how many you impact in a small way, every day.

Ok, yes. The world needs less assholes as well.