Being A Charitableman

Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth.

Muhammad Ali

One of the defining aspects of being a man of virtue and character, a true Gentleman, is what you are willing to do to help others. You see it in almost all their everyday actions and manners; be it holding a door for someone to mentoring someone. What not everyone knows is that this is the time of the year when the Gents head out in force to help other men be more; so I thought it appropriate to call out some of the recent and upcoming events that you Caballeros out there might be interested to learn about and participate.

Last Sunday, September 27, was the Distinguished Gentleman’s Ride. For those unaware of the Gentleman’s Ride, this is a yearly even were “more than 37,058 smartly-dressed gentlefolk in 410 cities from 79 countries will straddle the saddles of their café racers, bobbers, scramblers and other marvelous custom motorcycles to raise awareness and help fund the cure for prostate cancer.” They were able to raise about 2.25 million dollars worldwide, but are still accepting donations. If you missed it this year, start planning for next year’s ride.

For something closer to this date and a lot easier to do, MAN MADE has brought up again their Gentleman Up campaign and has determined October 9^th as #FormalFriday. If you use #FormalFriday on Twitter and Instagram that day, MADE MAN will donate $1 to CAREER GEAR in support of the development of men in need. So this Friday, suit and be counted. For those that haven’t heard about the Gentleman Up campaign, I am including last year’s and this year’s promotional videos below.

 

Also, please remember that “the hairiest month of the year is almost here” as next month is Movember. For those unaware what I’m talking about, “The Movember Foundation is a global charity committed to men living happier, healthier, longer lives. Since 2003, millions have joined the men’s health movement, raising $650 million and funding over 1,000 programs focusing on prostate cancer, testicular cancer, poor mental health and physical inactivity.” This is the big daddy of all Men’s Help & Health movements.

It’s important to mention a couple of other charities helping men be more. If you happen to have a suit you’re no longer using, remember that you can donate them to That Suits You if you’re in the New York area or Suited & Booted if you’re in the London area.

Please let me know of any other charity organization helping men and boys become more, so I can add them to future posts. It doesn’t take much to make a difference, but that difference might mean the world to someone else, so please be a charitableman.

The most powerful act…

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

Leo Buscaglia

We know that the world needs more compassion, more caring, more helping, more empowering. Part of this might be achieved by simply having less assholes, but the reality is it needs, not just people not doing wrong, but people doing right. And we see it done by people doing great acts of goodness like those who set up shelters and soup kitchens for the needy, and those who help people get back on their feet, those who open up their borders to refugees, for example. But when we see these acts, we end up thinking what can I do when it’s just me?

So the internet says that one man can change the world, that one simple action can save a live. And it all sounds great in theory, yet we end up feeling that we can’t have such an impact in the world, because it’s just us and the world needs a lot of help. We end up doing nothing theory isn’t the same as reality. Can one man do something to help his fellow men with something as simple as a small act of compassion?

Let me tell you about Don Ritchie and “the Gap.”

The Gap is a cliff at Watsons Bay in Australia. Its fame grew, not because of the natural beauty, but because it became a place where, about once a week, someone would go there end their lives. The local authorities tried to deal with the situation by installing security cameras, Lifeline counselling booths, information boards to help organizations, and even a fence to keep people from leaping to their deaths. In most cases, these deterrents did little to solve the problem. There was one thing that did help.

A man armed compassion and a cup of tea.

Don Ritchie, a WWII Naval Veteran and retired insurance agent, lived about 50 meters from the notorious suicide spot since 1964. By 2009, the official tally of people he saved from ending their lives was 164 but at the time of his death in 2012, his close friends actually place that number around 500. For that reason he earned the nickname the “Angel of The Gap.”

Every time he saw a would-be jumper, he would walk up and ask “Is there something I could do to help you?” and promised them a cup of hot tea in his home. Most of these people just needed someone to talk to, someone who listened to them, someone who cares. Ritchie explained his intervention in suicide attempts saying "you can't just sit there and watch them."

“It's important for troubled people to know that there are complete strangers out there, like myself, who are willing and able to help them get through that dark time and to come out on the other side."

During an interview, he explained that he wasn’t haunted by the thoughts of those he couldn’t save. He accepts that there was nothing more he could have done. Instead he focuses his thoughts on those he could save. The most amazing thing about this man is how he kept his own optimism and hope alive while carrying his own battle against cancer for the last few years of his life. When asked what would happen when he was no longer around, the same optimism that guides his compassion shined through as he hopes that “someone else will come along and do what I’ve been doing.”

The reality of a compassionate life isn’t measured by those you couldn’t save, but by those you did. It’s not measured by that huge gesture that went viral, but by all those small acts of kindness. It’s not measured by how much fame you gain, but how many you impact in a small way, every day.

Ok, yes. The world needs less assholes as well.

Living With The Beast Within

It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence.

Mahatma Gandhi

One of the main staples of toxic masculinity is the reliance to violence as a means to solve problems. Yet, we constantly are teaching out boys to praise violence. From the mother who beats discipline into her son, to the athlete applauded for his ability to crush his opponent, to the businessman respected for his “take no prisoners” mentality. We applaud aggressively as a virtue while condemning the results of an aggressive behavior. We honor those willing to fight for us, yet have gotten front row seats to the hurt and damage that results from it. So the obvious solution would be to view violence as a problem, right? Take Violence out of video games, out of sports, out of society, out of our lives?

Wrong.

Violence and the ability to be violent is actually an important aspect of simple self-preservation. The willingness to stand up and confront someone, challenge someone, is actually a necessary aspect of society. Without it, without rage, you would lose the ability to confront injustice. Without it you would just be another victim to a cruel world. It’s your personal rage that keeps your own worlds cruelty in check. Just think what kind of society you would live in without that anger that swells within your spirit every time you see someone doing something wrong.

We might blame violent media, be it music, movies or games, as directly responsible for the violence within society. There have been plenty of studies that the link between violence and violent media. Ironically, there have been plenty of studies that prove the complete opposite, how there is no connection between one and the other. The latter actually questions if we want to make that link just to justify our fears. Personally, I don’t think one causes the other automatically. If you need proof of how violent games don’t produce a violent culture, just consider all the countries that consume violent media, yet have some of the lowest violent crimes statistics worldwide. When we relate violent behavior and blame the media for violent acts, we remove personal accountability from these actions.

The danger of being blinded by the beast within comes from our inability to control the beast within. We are taught to unleash our beast when the time comes, yet do little to teach how to keep them in check. If anything, we are taught to suppress them so badly that the beast turns inward and consumes our soul. At this time, we either turn self-destructive or become that caged lion that no longer cares how much abuse is done on to him as you are left with an empty shell where once lived a majestic creature.

So, how can you unlearn to unleash the beast when it’s not needed, and keep it from eating you from the inside out? Create your own pressure valve. Give it an outlet. Hit the gym, take up fighting arts, run, anything that pushes the body and burn off the beast’s energy.

Take the time to understand your beast. Is it a result of frustration? Of anger? Of impotence? Or is it just habit as you are used to solve everything with confrontation? Understand who you are and contemplate why you are that way. You can’t really better yourself without understanding yourself. Write, reflect, meditate, smoke cigars, or whatever you need to create a space where you can lose yourself in thought. Only when you lose yourself within your mind can you find who you are.

Civilize the mind but make savage the body.

Find what works for you to keep the beast on a leash. Now, if you find it hard to discipline the animal within, DO NOT BE AFRAID OR ASHAMED TO LOOK FOR HELP. If you have a cold, you’d go to the doctor, right? If your car’s not running smooth, you’d take it to a mechanic? Then why wouldn’t you do the same for your emotions and your thoughts. We have made great strides in removing some of the social stigma from depression, yet have done little to do the same for violent behavior. Seeking help isn’t an admission of being an abuser, but rather an admission that you refuse to be one.

Just remember, "Only a Warrior chooses pacifism; others are condemned to it."

How’s Your Hero Training Going?

I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.

Bryan Mills (Liam Neeson), Taken

The movies have let us vicariously live out our hero fantasies where we head out and defend our family’s honor, rescue the damsel in distress, or protect our country.  We find ourselves reflected on screen every time the hero, an average guy with above average virtues and skills, takes on overwhelming odds and ends up proving that a good guy with determination can stop the evils of the world. Or at least we want to think we are reflected onscreen. But is that the hero we will have the chance to be? Or will we be given a chance to be another kind of hero?

The reality is that it’s highly improbable that we will be forced to fend off foreign nationals from taking over our favorite coffee shop, stop that overly elaborate plan by criminal masterminds to steal your friend’s purse, or even stop that armed intruder from breaking into your home. I am not saying that you won’t be given that opportunity, but are you doing good? Or are you simply stopping bad?

I am not saying that you shouldn’t stop the bad elements of society, but the amount of effort we take into preparing to handle evil isn’t close to comparable to the amount of effort we take into preparing to dish out good. You will probably have a chance to do those more often than you will to stop evil.

But training to do good? Isn’t doing simply doing good? Yes it is, but some good requires some knowledge.

Do you know what to do in case someone falls and twists their ankle or breaks a bone? Sharing dinner with someone who’s suddenly choking? Someone having a stroke or a heart attack? Could you even identify when it happens? Could you identify when someone is drowning if you saw them? Do you know how to make a tourniquet or give CPR? You would be surprised how those first couple of minutes might completely change a situation.

Let’s be more practical yet, do you know what to do in case you run into someone whose car battery died? Who accidentally locked in their pet or, worse yet, their child, in their car? Even something as simple as change a tire? Do you know how to help parent trying to deal with their child having a meltdown? Do you even know what a meltdown is?

In a world of 911’s and roadside assistance, we have forgotten some of the basic skills needed to survive a chaotic world. With the world’s knowledge in our fingertips, we assume that we will have time to Google up whatever information we need. That’s not always possible, be it because time is off the essence or because your adrenaline is running too high to try to type.

We, as men, also assume that things are as easy as they look in the movies, that we instinctively know how to use a car jack or jumper cables. We assume that our inner action hero will automatically kick in and we will instinctively keep our cool. You would think that by know you knew that “assuming” is never the same as knowing.

Ironically, in a world where women have chosen to challenge the gender stereotypes, plenty of women have actually learned how to jump-start a car or change a tire. Yet it’s this same challenge to gender stereotypes that have lead plenty of men to never learn, ending up in a situation where it’s the lady saving them.

Before you start whining about how you were never taught these things, keep in mind that you have the world at your fingertips. Do you have the nearest hospital’s emergency number in your phone? Do you have the nearest police station? Between “Fail” or Cat Videos, have you taken the time to at least view a basic CPR tutorial? Most community centers actually offer basic first aid and CPR classes, either free or at a very low cost. Most have pamphlets to inform and educate the public about how to help those who need help, especially those whose “issues” aren’t as evident. This not only keeps you from being another inconsiderate asshole, but actually helps them deal with a selfish society that usually ignores them, and so often abuses them. It might be a good idea to read these over instead of reading over the latest reality TV gossip.

You have the opportunity to be a hero every day. You will be placed in situations where what you think is a simple act, will mean the world to the other person. You will be constantly be given the opportunity to prove what kind of a person you are. The reality is that being a good is pretty easy when you are actually ready to do good.