As we discuss the issues of what it
means to be a good man or about the obligations of Gentlemen, the generalized
comments and reactions from many men present me with a paradox that seems to be
in vogue lately: the idea of a gender neutral civility. We talk about being
good men, yet want to remove the “obligation of men” when it comes to our
relations with women (you know, the other gender). We refuse to see any
responsibility towards women based on the idea that there shouldn’t be gender
requirements to general civil behavior.
Men, this is a cop-out, a way to
have our cake and eat it too.
I know that at this moment I could
start talking about unicorns and rainbows because most readers have already
shut down their rational capability and left the room to prepare snide remarks
and reactions. Then again, they probably shifted into that attitude as soon as
they read the title or saw that this was written by the same man who likes to
use the word Chivalry every other article. For those few gentlemen and ladies
left, let me explain why I make such a drastic conclusion.
The generalized comment from most
men, when told they should be gentleman towards women, goes along the lines of
“I treat everyone with civility, irrelevant of gender” or “I treat everyone as
equals.” Another typical comment mentioned goes along the same lines, “I don’t
see gender, I just see people.” That actually sounds like a noble concept, a
society where gender is not a factor when determining treatment towards
someone. Well, I’m sold. No more Gentlemanly articles from me…
Except I have heard this kind of
wording before. You could just replace the word “gender” with color, race,
ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, country of origin, economic class, or
whatever else you want. You might think you’re being progressive and
non-judgmental, but the reality is, the only people who say these phrases tend
to be the ones who benefit the most from the way society is currently set up.
This concept diminishes the impact of any actual discrimination, inequality, or
suffering currently happening to the group mentioned. You might as well be
saying “I don’t view it as a problem because it does not affects me.” We need to
make changes to the world, not to grant any special benefits for women, but to
compensate for the current inequality they endure.
For this discussion, I will only
focus on the gender aspect or I would never be able to finish this article
within my lifetime if I mentioned any other group.
Men will say that men also suffer
from this gender role discrimination, citing attacks from the militant
feminists as the most evident examples. They will complain how Stay at Home
Dads are viewed by society, how men are shamed because “everything is the guy’s
fault,” or how there are groups specifically geared to benefit only women.
Instead of attacking or dismissing these situations, shouldn’t we be asking why
these situations even exist? Are they not a reaction or result of the prevalent
Male Dominated society? We, as men, created the monster and now we complain
about how it behaves! So why shouldn’t we man-up and set things right?
On a side note, we see similar
movements comparable to the feminists from other marginalized groups fighting
for equal treatment. We see social equality movements from Blacks, LGBT
community, Latinos and other Immigrants, Muslims, and several other
“minorities.” We usually say “we don’t see (insert social difference of the
group here), we just see people.” Then we walk away, leaving them to deal alone
with a society that reminds them every day with the reality of discrimination.
Men objectify women and expect the
ladies to be happy about it. I am not talking about the open crass
objectification, but the simple everyday ones. How many images of half-naked
women do you see every single day, from your waitress’s uniform to billboards
down the street? How many do you see of men?
How do you
think you would feel about your own self-image if you were bombarded with
images of half-naked teen boys, who have nothing better to do with their day
than to workout, telling you that this is how men should look, even when you
are past your thirties?
You would probably think it’s unfair
if they started firing all the male newscasters and commentators when they grow
fat, old, or bald. Then, why do we expect our female newscasters to look like
eye candy? Guess when they get too old, we can
just fire her. It’s gotten to the point we even determine if a woman
is too attractive to become a work hazard. Guess then, we can fire her. For the
first time in history we might have a woman as a presidential candidate, yet
instead of analyzing her political qualifications, the main attack was that she
had “Fat Thighs” and “Small Breasts”!
Really? One might say that political campaigns get dirty and she should have to
deal with the same attacks as male candidates do. I have yet to see a political
attack to a male candidate because he has a big beer belly, is so insecure he
needs to do a comb-over, or has a small penis.
Why is it so hard to understand that we help men while helping women? Doesn’t helping one also help the other?
You might wonder why “stay at home
dads” are viewed with mixed reactions or why men aren’t viewed as having the
same rights as women during custody battles? Because WE made a society where
women are told to stay home with the kids while men go out to work. Because WE
laugh at every “make me a sandwich” joke we see online. Maybe if we stopped
promoting this stupidity (sorry, I meant to say ideology) and actually stopped
making it harder for women to make a career, Dads might be viewed with the same
importance as Moms. We complain when we are told that our role is one of being
a provider, but have no issue with women being paid less for the same work. The
same goes to almost all other aspects where we complain about male gender
discrimination. We love to spout statistics of how men are at greater safety
risks in the work place, but refuse to view the way we actively keep women out
of those same jobs. If women were offered the same opportunities as men, maybe
the ladies wouldn’t have to create ones specifically catered for them. We have
to accept that gender has nothing to do with capabilities.
It’s interesting how most feminists
are actually proud of the fact that they are women. They view their gender as
something that defines them and empowers them, not as something to be ashamed
of or as something that limits them. They, as women, can do everything a man
can do, yet don’t have to stop being women to do it. And they are right!
Then why do we, as men, choose to
view gender equality only being possible if we minimize the characteristics of
our own gender? Why do we feel the need to think that equality comes from
lessening the gender differences? Men have shamed themselves out of their own
Male Pride. That mentality is just a cosmetic solution to make you feel like
you are doing something about the issue at hand. The truth is, it ignores a
more profound problem. As long as we think that gender equality comes from not
recognizing gender, things will never change.
Just because I recognize the
difference between genders, acknowledge the reality and struggles that women
have to endure, and promote true social justice between us, does not mean I
have to be any less of a Man! So why would I think that by saying “I don’t see
gender, I see people” when dealing with a woman, I’m helping true gender
equality in any way?
As you may have noticed, I did not
start my article with a quote as usual. Instead, I felt this time I should
close with one. I leave you with Ms. Jane Elliot’s presentation of “The Angry Eye”. Although her chat is about recognizing race past the “I
only see people, not skin color” mentality, it applies to any marginalized
group:
You do not have the right to say to a person I do not see you as you are, I see you as I am more comfortable seeing you…We all live in different realities, but when you deny what this person is going through or what that person is going through, you are denying their reality….People, don’t deny differences! Accept them, appreciate them, recognize them, and cherish them.
Gentlemen, cherish the women around
you.
(Previously posted on Good Men Project)
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