I Carry Loaded Words and I’m Not Afraid to Use Them.

Sometimes, people can be extraordinarily judgmental and closed-minded to anyone different or special, which is why it's so hard for young people in this day and age to be comfortable enough in their own skin to not listen to the people picking on them.

Ariana Grande

As a writer, you have the constant reminder that the sword of Damocles is over your head with every word you type. The reality is that words are powerful and dangerous and the more articulate one is, the more dangerous words become. But unlike the spoken word, where whatever stupidity you spout out is left at the mercy of the wind and memory, the written word is there, constant and eternal, just to remind you what was that stupidity you decided to include in the article, and left there after your third edit. That means I try to be careful as to what words I use, always considering how they might be interpreted.

The three words that I would have never guessed would have caused me the most aggravation are actually the three words that sat at the core of my entire treatise; Lady, Gentleman, and Chivalry. In this article, I will only focus on Lady and Gentleman, since it relates to the idea that I want to express.

Every once in a while, when I used either word in my articles, the reaction by some people was as if I had included a slur as they went into full blown attack mode. That caused me to reconsider using these words, looking for suitable synonyms. Apparently these words held some kind of weighted preconception and prejudice attached to them for some people. So I spent hours and days thinking and mulling for alternatives. Gallantry, Noble Man, Chevalier, Modern Woman, and many others would take the place of a term I found perfectly fine. And I actually began to question if these words held a stigma I was previously unaware of, if they were comparable to swear words or to slurs. But then I realized that slurs originated with the full intent of minimizing and dehumanizing a person while Lady and Gentleman originated with the intent of elevating a person, to show them respect.

And then I realized it. The problem is not the words, but the insecurities of these readers and the judgmental attitude towards anyone not like them. Within their closed-mindedness, they are assigning a negative value simply because they aren’t willing to follow the path of a Lady or of a Gentleman. The fact that I, and so many others do, makes their own self-doubt even more evident and transparent within their eyes, so they attack, as if such an attack would cause their own issues to fade away.

I try to avoid telling people how to walk the path, as each person should decide for themselves how to walk the path. My purpose is simply to make you think, as you have to walk your own path, the one that is best suited for each of you. But what I will not allow is someone’s small mindedness limit the path that I, and so many like me, want to walk. Always remember that equality is not based on sameness, but in respecting, accepting, and appreciating the differences between us. 

Dealing with stupid comments.

A wise man can learn more from a foolish question than a fool can learn from a wise answer.

Bruce Lee

For some reason, when you start writing about topics like gender equality and a man’s responsibility to be a Gentleman, it will call the attention of men fail to understand the message. Sometimes it’s comments on my articles, other times its direct tweets, and yet others are open invitations for trolling in the hashtags I follow. 

At first, I would reply their comments directly, thinking you could actually reason with some of these posters. After several trollings, insults questioning my manhood, and several reports to whatever social media administrators involved, I no longer am willing to deal with these commentators.

Unfortunately this leaves many comments and questions unanswered. So I decided to answer some of the typical comments I think need clarification.

If women want to be treated like men, then there’s no problem in me hitting them.

First, let’s clear up what you are saying. You are threatening women that if they ask for equality, you will assault them. If you think gender equality is defined by your ability to hit women, you have bigger issues than just being a Misogynist.

Second, don’t hit people, period. Don’t think it’s that complicated. It’s actually against the law to hit people, just in case you didn’t know. And if you are planning to give me the “they hit me first” comment, I think we are past elementary school logic.

All women are (insert whatever insult you think is appropriate).

Ok, so you dealt with a woman who “wronged” you. So, no man has ever done anything bad to you? It’s just women? Stop being selective. Some people are bad, others are good. Also, take the time to see how YOU behaved, how you treated them. 

Why do I need to pay for a date, just because I am a guy?

You pay for a date, because you made the invitation. Whoever invites, pays. It’s like asking someone to go to your house for dinner but ask them to bring their own food. Your problem is you are cheap.

After all the cash/time I spent on her, she just wants to be friends?

You just demonstrated in a simple sentence how you think she is a prostitute and that the only way you can be attractive to her is by paying her. Really?

Sprezzatura, the Skill of Humility.

Practice in everything a certain nonchalance that shall conceal design and show that what is done and said is done without effort and almost without thought.

Baldassare Castiglione

Have you ever dealt with people who will constantly remind you just how difficult their work is? Do they work from crisis to crisis? How does that attitude affect those around them? Very few things are as distressing as having, not only to deal with the project at hand, but with the constant stress of dealing with the person on the edge of a nervous breakdown or constantly bragging about how indispensable their skill and how much better than you they are. Yet we live in a culture that discourages and is suspicious of discretion and restraint.

The ultimate paradox is how we applaud those who show careless mastery of a skill, give a sense of confidence to those around them, who can reassure even the unbelievers with a quick smile and a “I got this shit.”

And that, Gentlemen, is called Sprezzatura. 

Sprezzatura is that confidence exuded while doing things as a second nature, that ineffectual natural calmness. The confidence, the natural calmness? There lies the hardest part. The reality is these are to calm those around us. We might be just as worried, just as stressed, just as nervous; but our role is to provide that confidence and comfort in those around us. 

We, as Gentlemen, must develop an attitude of discretion, restraint, and, as a result, humility. This restraint, and the etiquette supporting it, is to give us a chance to negotiate slowly and carefully how to handle a situation. The ability to pause before acting and then to act sensibly is a developable skill.

A man who has Sprezzatura is content with himself. He doesn’t need to justify his actions. More so, he might even prefer they not be understood. His actions, including his carefully chosen words, speak for him. 

Suddenly humility and discretion become power. People trust you because you ARE trustworthy. It may call upon every bit of your strength to restrain yourself from saying or doing more than you should, for you might run dangerously close to arrogance and insecurity. It is Sprezzatura a combination of an effortless elegance but also a strenuous self-control. It defines a man’s power: the stronger and wiser he is, the gentler his manner. And it is the difference between being a Gentleman and a man doing “gentlemanly things.”

I am what I choose to become, and not what happens to me.

Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.

Marcus Aurelius

When people think of a Gentleman, they automatically assume it's a well off man. It’s easy to be a courteous and gracious when you don’t have to worry about money, right? Nothing is further from the truth. We now live in times when a man wears a suit to demonstrate his ambitious and his cut throat business nature. I have met my share of suited wolves as well as I have met my share of true Dons from humble homes.

We get to meet mentors in the most unlikely places. During my employment in a rather professional office, I met one of the most elegant and educated Gentleman I have had the pleasure of their company. It was neither of the firm’s partners who came in every day in their tailored suits and their luxury sports cars. These men got rich by crossing anyone in their paths, something they held perverted pride in for some reason and something I would later on experience firsthand. The Caballero I mention was the chief of the maintenance team.

An elder gentleman, elder to my standards back then, he would always exude calm, even when the rest of the office was in turmoil. Every day he would walk in, greeting everyone with a smile, commenting how wonderful it was to be alive. As I got to know him better, I learned of his interest in astrology, wine, art, and music. He played the trumpet in a Big Band once a month, could tell you off hand when it would be a great night for stargazing, and the history behind most Tempranillo grape wines. Every day he would get to the office at the same time every day in his beautifully restored 1968 Volkswagen Beetle, have for lunch a selection which he had made the day before, his coffee break was at exactly at 9 am and again at 2 pm. You should set a watch to his schedule.

Later on I learned, not from him but from other team members, that the man was a decorated War Hero, a cancer survivor, his only son was killed by gang violence, and his wife, his love since they were teens, had died a few years earlier. He had every excuse to be a grouchy spiteful old man, pissed at the hand life dealt him. He had faced death lurking within his life more than once. Ironically it was this hard life that gave him his zest for living. The one time I mentioned to him that I wanted to be like him when I grew up, he just smiled. “I just hope you don’t have to walk my road to get there.” Now that I am older, and have lived my share of tragedies, do I understand what .

A true Gentleman is not the one who can wear a suit, or has the luxury car, or even the big bank account. Having it doesn't take away from being one either. Money is inconsequential here. A true Gentleman is a man who has fallen down or has been beat down and has every reason and excuse to be bitter. Yet, and in spite of it all, is able to proudly stand back up. So next time life beats you down, stand up, dust yourself off, smile and just says “you hit like a bitch”.

The three paths of Man, choose wisely.

The gentleman understands righteousness, the petty man understands profit.

Kong Fuzi

All men will be confronted with three paths in life.

The path of the Petty Man

The petty man does not grasp the value of virtues and seeks only immediate gains. He is egotistic and does not consider the consequences of his action in the overall scheme of things. Should you surround yourself with petty men, you will due to their small-mindness. Examples of such individuals can range from those who continually indulge in sensual and emotional pleasures all day to the career politician who is interested merely in power and fame; neither sincerely aims for the long-term benefit of others.

The path of the Noble Man

The Noble Man, or Gentleman, is loyal, obedient and knowledgeable. Noble Man disciplines himself, since he does more and speaks less. He is raised to have a superior ethical and moral position while gaining inner peace through his virtue. The Noble Man sets an example by acting virtuously himself. It is thought that his pure virtue would lead others to follow his example.

The path of the By-Stander

The By-Stander simply is. He will accept things as they are and might even complain about them, but does nothing to change them. He will sway sides, between the Noble Man and the Petty Man, based on where he’s standing at the moment. His inaction and lack of determination are an action.