The Guy You Used To Be...

 It’s not about the Guy you used to be, but the Gentleman you’ve become.

Being Caballero's Motto

If you’re reading this, means you’ve seen this phrase in all my cover images. And you might think it’s a rather cool phrase, somewhat catchy, and just leave it at that. The reality behind it is probably the biggest challenge every man trying to better himself has to face, living past the man they used to be.

People might say that they live in the present, or that the actions they do today define who they are. But the truth is that we live in a society that reinforces shame and guilt, a society that will try to make you small because of the man you used to be. And it will remind you everything you have done wrong every time you start to do better. Be it your acquaintances, your friends, your spouse, or even worse, yourself, someone will drag out your past mistakes and failures to bring you down. That shame of who you were, and that fear that you will never live down your past, is usually what keeps you from moving forward.

An even more dangerous attitude is accepting these past sins as what defines you. “This is who I am. You don’t like it, F.U.” Really? You don’t even like yourself and want to change, so why start lying to yourself just because others would rather bring you down and limit yourself. Why let their attitude empower them by depowering you?

Here’s the reality. Life is like a Credit Card. You do bad things; you don’t pay them at that time. But that debt is there, and creates interest. And just when things start to turn around, as you start to make life work, the collection agencies will start knocking at your door. That is how Karma works. So treat it like a collection agency. Accept your responsibility, deal with your debt, and accept the interest it accumulated. That is part of the process to make your life right.

Now, as with collection agencies that get overzealous and greedy, learn when to give yourself enough respect and learn when to tell them “No.” Don’t give them power over your life. These people thrive on making others miserable, and will feed of your guilt, many times unfounded guilt. Becoming a Better Man is hard enough without having to add people trying to sabotage your life.

Give yourself value. Sure, you might have messed up; you might have strayed from your path. That’s not being a bad person, it’s called being human. Stand up, brush it off and move forward. Just don’t think you won’t have to pay back that debt with interest. Respect yourself enough to move forward. Don’t let anyone stop you, especially yourself. 

Desenrascanço

If only I had the time to spend…

If only I had the money to start…

If only I would meet the right person…

I get it. We all do. If you were given the right tools, the right opportunity, and the right timing, you could prove the world just what you are capable of doing. You could prove to everyone just how far you could go, just how high you could reach, just how big you could be. But alas, if only…

“If only” has got to be the most overused excuse for self-sabotage that man has created, and specifically the one that annoys me the most. It places the blame of you not even trying on your environment. It’s your surroundings’ fault that you don’t do something to better yourself.

If only I won the lottery, I wouldn’t need to work, but guess what? I haven’t won the lottery, so I do the best I can with what I have. That’s the real art of living. Taking what you have, and making the best you can out of yourself. Don’t look at what you have as a limitation. Look of it as the structure within you have to create. Use it for stability, turning what was a limitation into your foundation and build up from there.

The Portuguese have a word for this; Desenrascanço. The term Desenrascanço roughly means “the act of disentangling yourself from a difficult situation using available means.” Because, the reality is that what’s available is what you have to work with. “If only” and “what if” only serve to keep you from the “go do.”

Yes, it’s difficult. And yes, you will see challenges within your environment. But the reality is that these challenges only exist within yourself and your self-doubt. Once you overcome your tendency to question yourself, you will realize that these are not challenges, but simple situations that can be worked with or worked around to your benefit. Obstacles will then become opportunities or will simply vanish.

Fill In Your Own Blanks.

Proverbs are short sentences drawn from long experience.

Miguel de Cervantes

Here’s a rather interesting story I once heard about Hemingway. During a lunch date, which probably involved more than a few drinks, with several of friends, Hemingway proposed a bet. He bet the table ten dollars each that he can craft an entire story in six words. After the pot is set and collected, he grabs a napkin and scribbles down the six words. After passing it around the table, everyone agreed he had won the bet.

"For sale: baby shoes, never worn."

Why bring this up, other than as entertaining anecdote? Six words, nothing more, create an individual story within each person’s mind. We take the frame that was given to us, and fill in the blank space with our own perceptions and experiences. That’s what is so powerful about the story.

Quotes and Concepts work the same way.

As I discuss with several people what should be included in the book, they constantly question my unwillingness to make a set of rules to follow as a Gentleman. Sure, it would be easier for me, to set down a black and white code of behavior. And it would even be easier for many men to become Gentlemen if they only had a set of laws to follow.

But that would mean you would “Act” like a Gentleman and not “Become” a Gentleman.

I try to break down concepts in a generalized form, or if I do express specifics, I do them in relationship to a practical application. Every man’s cultural development is different, every man’s surroundings are different, and more importantly though, every man has a different reason to be a Gentleman. Assuming that a single cookie-cutter set of rules might apply to everyone is the easiest path to fail at what I am trying to achieve.

The idea behind Being Caballero is to provide you a simple frame where you can insert your own reasons to better yourself. There is no right way or wrong way to become a Gentleman, as long as you do so honestly, and for the right reasons. There are as many paths to become a Gentleman as there are men trying to be Gentlemen.

Fear the Dragon Slayer

 I met a man who fought dragons and I asked him how he can win against such a raw and unstoppable force of nature.

He said. "Someone once told the dragons a fairy tale of how a knight in shining armor killed a dragon, now they are afraid it might be true and all I do now is put a defeated enemy out of their misery"

Luke Davis

As I am in the process of discussing what will be included in the book with fellow editors, trying to cover all the important topics and answer all the important questions, one rather interesting discussion came about.

Why do you feel some people dismiss the idea of the Gentleman?

I knew full well what they were talking about. It’s funny how many men view chivalry as a way for women to keep dominating men and how many women view chivalry as a way for men to keep dominating women. The reality of Chivalry and Gentlemanly attitudes is not about how you treat others, but what you expect from yourself. How you treat others is just the result of this attitude.

The problem is that your attitude and your confidence expose other people’s insecurities and self-doubts.  They want a “movie style” life and relationships without the effort of self-betterment, giving only the bare minimal to themselves. They want to win without leaving their comfort zone.

And that is our Dragon, a society who will give you every excuse not to up your game, not to rise above the crowd. It will try to drown you with cries of “Chivalry is dead” and “A gentleman is just a way for women to step all over men” and “Chivalry is another way to keep women down.” But the reality is that the Dragon fears you.

It fears your ability to stand up for yourself. It fears your ability to stand up for others. And most of all it fears you for wanting to live past the comforts of social mediocrity. So stand proud as you face this Dragon, because it already knows it lost.

A Gentleman’s Makeover

Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.

―Rumi―

Let’s start straight up. You are not happy with your life, and the path you ended up in. You feel like you have lost yourself, victim to the sways and winds of life. You feel like you’ve let down yourself and those around you. And you need to change, and you need to find yourself.

That has to be the most over-used excuse for procrastination created by man. It can literally be translated into “I plan to sit on my ass till the world changes around me.” It means that you have no intention of taking control over your life, but rather blame everything and everyone for your misery.

Let me start by saying the following, you don’t need to find yourself. Unless you’re on the side of a milk carton, kidnaped by some shady individuals, you know damn well where you are. THAT’S why you want to change. You are right there, standing in front of the mirror.

And that should be your first step. You need to recognize that the guy in the other side of the mirror was the guy that got you into this mess. So the first thing you need to do is change the guy looking back at you. And ironically this is the easiest test as to if you are really interested in changing. If you find it so hard to change who you are in the outside, can you really say you have any intention of changing who you are in the inside?

It’s funny how people want to change and better themselves, yet have such an aversion to an actually perceivable change. They want a change that they can hide from those who don’t want them to change, or a change that will not be judged by those around them. You might think that this is just a superficial aspect, based on pure vanity. But the reality is you will be looking at this new person every day to remind you of the change you are doing. Staying the same, not changing how you look, will simply keep you repeating the same habits and the same routines. Changing how you look will automatically change your habits.

This means you have to do a mayor change. Get a haircut, it can’t be as simple as “a little off the sides.” Grow a mustache or a beard; or shave it off. Do anything and everything with intent, no half measures. You will get people who might say that this change in appearance is not a good fit, or that you looked better before. To those people, ask them if they were happy with the man you were before. This will actually test the waters, and will expose those people who hinder your self-development.

Change is necessary to grow. You need to shed off the man who you were to become the man you will be. Define that man, the man you want to become, and aim to reach him. Start by defining who he is, and how his character is reflected on how he looks. Build him up from the ground up and then use him as your role model. And then aim to become that man.

It all has to start by changing the man looking back at you in the mirror.