Casually Challenged

To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often.

Winston Churchill

As many of you know, I relocated due to a change in employment. Within all the adjustments that come from such an endeavor, you expect to deal with many other changes as you handle the challenges of relocation, the new surroundings, and even dealing with a new work team. Yet it was one thing alone that caught me off balance, something I never considered as it seemed so inconsequential that I never really put any thought into it. It was something that most of you will actually think is absolutely trivial, but honestly, was the one thing that took the longest to get used too.

I no longer wore a suit to work.

I know this sounds dumb, and even as I write it, I realize that it reads even dumber, but let me elaborate.

For the last decade I have been defining who I am and who I wanted to be as a professional. I reflect this with my attitude, my habits, and even my wardrobe choices, so my closet pretty is pretty much a reflection of this. As I am now the kind of professional I sought to become, suddenly all of this changed, and in a way it broke my "sacred" morning routine that helped me focus into what the day held in store. As I got dressed in the morning, I realized that my closet was either suits or overly casual stay home t-shirt and jeans. I realized how something as simple as making a tie knot or putting on cufflinks were more of a meditation to me than getting dressed, as my suits become a comfortable shield and armor with which I faced the work ay. Sure, I got some new work clothing to compensate, but something about not suiting up in the morning kept bugging me. I just couldn’t figure out I couldn't yet carve out a new routine with this more casual look. That was till I had a conversation with a gent later on that week.

The gentleman in question was someone who after 20 years of military was about to retire. His personal challenge was that he had no idea how to handle a civilian life or, worse yet, I life where he no longer had any pressing financial or professional obligations while still being young enough to have his whole life ahead of him. My answer was pretty simple. “Think of it as an extended weekend were you do whatever makes you happy.” His response made me understand my own situation.

“You spend your entire life trying to figure out what works for you. When you finally figure it out, it doesn't work for you any more because you’re no longer that same man.”

That’s when I got it. I spent so many years working to become the man that I wanted to be. Yet when I became that man, my life had changed enough that the image I had created no longer fit me. We often work so hard to become something that we stop striving or adapting when we get there. We see it with anyone whose life changes, yet they want to keep doing the same things they did before. The college man who keeps prolonging his graduation, the retiree who never wants to retire, the married man who keeps holding on to his single life's habits, or the father who refused to accept his role as a dad.They worked so hard to become good at a certain stage of life that they have trouble moving forward into a new stage in life.

So as I start now a new stage , I am tasked into walking forward and adapting who I am, again setting myself on the path to become the man I was meant to be, yet this time I start this path with the eyes of a man who’s mature enough to know that he must change and grow in the same way life changes. Sometimes we define who we want to become, yet do so from the perspective of where we are in a specific moment in life. As we grow, change, and evolve, so should the man we strive to become. That man we are meant to be should never be static image created within a particular moment in our lives, but rather one that changes and evolved with us.

A Tailored Life

The only man I know who behaves sensibly is my tailor; he takes my measurements anew each time he sees me. The rest go on with their old measurements and expect me to fit them.

George Bernard Shaw

Not everyone takes the time or spends the money to have their clothing tailor fitted. They assume that something off the rack, when bought in the proper size, should fit them well enough. And that’s where our most common life problem rears its ugly head, as we assume that “well enough” is good enough to make it work.

There are about 2.25 billion adult men in the world, yet we assume that they can be broken down into about 4 different body sizes. We think that, just because it’s our “size,” it will fit just like the catalog picture. And when it doesn’t, we blame the magazine for false advertisement. What if the problem isn’t that the magazine lied, but rather the magazine took the time to fit it properly to the model in the image? Most catalog clothing is actually tailored to the specific model so it fits perfectly as anyone in the marketing world knows “well enough” doesn’t really cut it.

The same thing does on for everything within this life. We read an article about how to better your life or take some advice on how to become a better man, expecting to receive the promised results. When these outcomes don’t pan out as expected, we dismiss the entirety of the information as useless. We assume that information is created as a black and white guideline format, where one size fits all, and the end results will work “well enough” for us.

“Well enough” is never good enough to make a difference in our lives.

Not everyone will get the same results from the same instructions. The first thing you need to do is understand who you are at that moment within your life. Unless you recognize who you are and know what you want, you are going to be left stranded trying to figure out why you can’t seem to become a better person. Without that knowledge, you will simply assume you are broken beyond repair and left confused as to why things work out for someone else, yet won’t for you.

After you have taken your current “measurements”, now you have to learn to listen to the advice given. We have to listen to others, but we must tailor their lessons to fit who we are. To do that, we must understand how we must tailor these lessons to fit us, and not the other way around. You have to learn to listen, to learn what to absorb, what to adjust, and what to ignore. Their lessons only work for us if we can first understand why the lesson worked for them and we can understand how to make those lessons work of us.

You need to stop trying to fit yourself into the “better man” suit created by someone else. Instead, focus on growing into a better person, one defined by you, as you work with what works for you. Take that “better man” suit and tailor it to who you are. Learn to sift through all the comments, to deconstruct every article, and search for those tidbits that give value to you.

By this time you need to realize how you can’t pick and choose what’s convenient, but rather what’s necessary. When you are honest about whom you are you can be honest about what you need. You stop living a life of convenient comfort, but strive to become better every day. You become your own tailor, as you use the lessons of others to your personalized benefit. Create the idealized “better man” suit that fits you. Now you can stop trying to fit in the ideals of others, but instead work to fit into your ideal you.

You Are Worthy Of Being You

Self-worth comes from one thing - thinking that you are worthy.

Wayne Dyer

As I mentioned before, we live in a society that prides itself into forcing everyone into a constant state of “averageness,” as "ordinary" isn’t offensive to anyone. The rich are made to feel ashamed of being rich while the poor are made to feel ashamed of being poor. Women are made to feel ashamed of being women while men are made to feel ashamed of being men. Anyone looking into ways of becoming better is shamed out of their pursuit under the excuse of “you are perfect as you are.”

The reason for this is simple; anything beyond ordinary exposed the insecurities of others want to hide. Those who are successful exposes how average people can achieve more. Those who have fallen on hard times exposed how those who pride themselves on being average are doing nothing to help the less fortunate. It pretty much exposes those who want to wallow in doing little more than exist how there is life beyond the comfort zone.

The danger of this attitude isn’t its ability to prize mediocrity, but in making those who could be more feel ashamed of wanting to be more. Those who work hard for their financial success are made to feel ashamed of being successful, as success is vilified under the image of greed. Those who take care of their appearance are made to feel ashamed of being elegant, as elegance is vilified under the image of vanity. Those who work hard to better themselves are made to feel ashamed of their self-betterment efforts, as these efforts are vilified under the image of arrogance. That is why movements like #NoExcuses are attacked so virulently online, with constant accusations of shaming those who choose to have excuses. The success of some exposes the insecurities of others.

Why should you feel ashamed of your hard work and your effort? Why should you minimize your achievements? We see this every time we diminish what we do for others and for ourselves. I am not talking about pride vs. humility. I am talking about not having to lessen who we are because others can’t confront their own insecurities. I am saying you shouldn’t lower your head just so others don’t feel bad about themselves.

If your success, in whatever endeavor you participate, is the result of your hard work, be proud of it. You help this world more by becoming an inspiration to others who also want to succeed than by comforting those who want to stay comfortable. Be proud of every challenge you overcome, of every status quo you shatter, to every time you become more than you where yesterday. You are worthy of your success. You are worthy of being more.

You are worthy of being you!

Talk To Us. The First Of Several Social Skills Surveys.

Asking the right question is more important than knowing the right answer.

Being Caballero

As I mentioned in a previous post, living within any society means that personal interaction is a necessary part of life. Our ability to communicate with each other, to understand other, and to make ourselves understood is vital to living a full life. Some of us however find such interactions challenging or stressful. For some people, navigating within the social nuances becomes as challenging as navigating within a real storm. Their personal mannerisms turn even the most casual interactions into a battle with social norms and individual misunderstandings. In many cases, the characteristics that make a person different from the rest of society or their inability to fully express themselves becomes a source of frustration that lead to feelings of low self-esteem and self-worth. These feelings, so often, manifest in an anti-social attitude or even  into actual violent behavior so common today. 

Previously I had mentioned how we might think we understand a problem, but it’s our own preconceptions that keep us from fully understanding its reality and finding a useful solution. Instead, we assume we understand the problem without really looking at it and end up developing a catch-all solution that only works to make us feel better about how smart we are. The actual results? Those are pretty questionable. 

I want to look at social skills from as many perspectives as possible. Posting up an article or making a workshop based solely on a personal bias or developing a generic solution would be a disservice to all who read our posts. (Not to mention how doing it this way is a pretty arrogant attitude.) So instead of thinking I know what you go through, why not ask? I want to listen to what you have to say and consider how you feel. 

To be able to do this, we are devising a series of surveys based on several aspects on the topic of social skills. We want you to become part of our team; in a way we ask you to become our focus group. These surveys will help us better understand what social challenges our readers go through and how we can best provide advice and service.

The first survey we developed focuses on the general concepts of social skills and its general challenges. Your identity and answers are completely confidential, but will help us develop a better understanding and a clearer image of what others go through. and helping us to produce better content. 

Please, talk to us. We are here to listen. Head over to the first of several surveys and let’s create this path together.

Being Caballero's Survey on Social Skills & Challenges

The Most Impressive Quality In A Man Is…

You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take.

Wayne Gretzky

A few weeks ago, I was part of a rather interesting discussion. The question proposed to the group was pretty simple.

What is the most impressive quality in a man?

I was expecting the usual suspects; confidence, trustworthiness, or passion. And just as I expected, these where thrown around. And the conversation continued as anyone could have predicted following the same typical comments found online all over the place. To be truly honest, I was somewhat disappointed at this time, since nothing of what was discussed challenged our preconceptions. Till one lady within the discussion challenged us all with a flash of inspiration.

She halted the conversation by stating how she didn’t agree with what was stated. She went on to explain her opinion. (Rules of the group: You can’t condemn something without an appropriate counter argument or a better solution) She agreed that trustworthiness is critical, but for everyone, not just men, but she set off to challenge confidence and passion.

She clarified that there are plenty of incredible men who are shy beyond belief and most of the artists she knows suffer from serious bouts of self-doubt. They were willing to show off their work, not as a demonstration of self-confidence, but as a challenge to their self-doubt.

As for passion, she called on those face painted sports fans that run around events shirtless, showing off their dedication to their favorite team. She commented how these men demonstrate what true passion for an ideal is. You could argue that this is misplaced passion, but who are we to judge someone else’s passion and happiness.

So the question was fired back at her, “What IS the most impressive quality in a man?” There was a pause, and I swear you could almost see her smirk as the post came up.

"A man who has his shit together."

There was an instant where I know the rest of the group just thought about this, processed it and digested this. And as we were busy in mental analysis, she went on a beautiful rant.

“I have enough problems in my life to go out and find another one. I don’t mean the guy has to have his life figured out, but a guy who at least has some plan to make his life work, and actually is following through with his plan.” And this made perfect sense.

Way too many men assume that life will solve itself without any real effort. Others expect people to like them for who they are, without really offering much to like. And yet others expect to find someone who will fix their lives for them.

And these last ones are the most dangerous, because there are plenty of women looking for a man to fix, to mother them. These women feel validated in helping out the man till they realize that this man has no intention of actually being fixed. By this time, they have wasted months or years in a relationship that went nowhere.

Gentlemen, life is hard. It will knock you down. And that’s ok, and actually expected to happen. Now, to stay down? That is unacceptable. You need to brush yourself off, keep your dignity, and stand up again. Just because it hasn’t gone great, is no reason to sit on your ass, as if your problems will magically solve themselves by ignoring them. Also, nobody is obligated to accept your problems, solve your problems, or even deal with your problems. Everyone has problems of their own, so expecting them to take on yours as well is pretty selfish on your part.

So, what is the most impressive quality in a man? A man who takes care of himself.