Never Make Yourself The Exception

There are three things in the world that deserve no mercy; hypocrisy, fraud, and tyranny.

Frederick William Robertson

Social media is an interesting thing, as it allows anyone to cast on themselves whatever image they wish. It’s like participating in a masquerade ball at a global scale where perception is more important than truth, where portraying an awesome life is more important than having one. On the opposite side of the same coin, online anonymity allows us to cart-blanc to wallow in our most base reactionary comments and actions. It allows us to judge others while at the same time excusing our own sins. And thus, online communities become at its core the land of the hypocrite.

This needs to change.

A long time ago I was told a simple truth. “Respect is what you offer others but honor is what you keep with yourself.” That’s a poetic way of saying that the only way you can talk the talk is if you walk the walk. Yet today we often love to make judgement calls on everyone, but when our own behavior is in question, we are quick to find some kind of moral justification, some excuse to why OUR behavior isn’t incorrect while if the same thing is done by another, THEY are wrong. All too often, the most judgmental among us, when caught committing the same sins they condemn, will easily excuse their behavior as they play dumb about their actions, will blame it on being human, or find some other morally ambiguous excuse.

Honestly? Being human IS an excuse to laps in moral judgement. In truth, it’s the only real excuse for it. But parading on the high ground while constantly lapsing in your own actions basically turns you into a hypocrite. And there is no greater sin than being a hypocrite.

And that’s where it bothers me. I tend to gravitate to like-minded individuals, people who hold themselves up to standards usually above those necessary in today’s society. Even if I don’t agree with you, if you are honest about yourself, I can respect you as a person. Yet so often I have found myself butting heads with those who call themselves moral people, yet after you strip away their labels and masks, are far worse than those they condemn. Their ACT of superiority is done by putting others down simply to hide their own flawed nature.

This behavior is unacceptable and inexcusable. People who act this way aren’t just lying about who they are, but are willing to hurt others to keep up this lie. Sure, they might act that way due to a personal need for approval or to compensate for insecurities, but honestly, hurting someone else because you are hurt isn’t acceptable. If anything, it’s the most dangerous form of selfishness and these people receive no sympathy from me.

You don’t need to be liked by everyone. That’s ok. You don’t even need to be morally correct always. We are human after all. What we do need is to respect others and honor who we are. What we need is an open honesty about who we are and stop making excuses for ourselves. I’ll gladly take an enemy I can respect over a friend I can’t any day.

Chivalry: Is it Needed?

Since it is so likely that children will meet cruel enemies, let them at least have heard of brave knights and heroic courage.

C.S. Lewis

So, we have already discussed if Chivalry is dead and if it’s sexist. The next big question is if it’s even needed, especially in these modern days of gender equality. To discuss this, I am going to have to take a mind frame that I usually try to avoid, to focus at the negative aspect of this generation and the one to come of age. I say that I try to avoid this because I have never believed in judging one generation as if the previous one was exempt of their own issues. I also am a firm believer that spotlighting negative aspects does little to create positive results, but if we don’t understand the negative aspects that today’s men deal with, we can’t really understand if Chivalry is truly needed.

We live in a society that is providing men two options; become the douchebag slacker/mook or men who have been taught to be ashamed of being a man. Combine that with a scarcity for proper role models and a society that focuses on selfishness and self-gratification, we are left with a poor profile of what we can expect from modern men.

We are bombarded most media with the image of the slacker man-child, the incompetent dad, and the douchebag asshole; all of which are justified with the simple notion that you can’t expect any more from men. In social media, we are then bombarded with the idea that toxic masculinity has made all masculinity something of a death trap for anyone who relates with men in general. We have become guilty of the crime of being men, unless we ourselves begin to condemn the dangers of being a man, because apparently men have no self-control over their animal instincts.

With so many outside influences telling young men they aren’t good enough, you would think that we provide them with some kind of positive example, a role model to teach them what they can do right. Yet they are left to look up to men who can get away with domestic abuse, drug charges, and sexual violence simply because of their athletic ability, musical talent, or financial situation. The boys are learning these lessons well as we can see in our current college campuses.

Instead of telling boys everything they are doing wrong and will do wrong, why don’t we give them examples they can look up to, give them hope that they can be more, and teach them that life isn’t about “what’s in it for me,” but about “what can I give back.” That’s what Chivalry has been about from the beginning, men who live in a way that they set an example to others, who lead by doing, and inspire others to dream about achieving better world.

We need to stop glamorizing the slacker and the douchebag. We need to stop equating toxic masculinity with all masculinity. We need to teach boys to strive for more than just sliding by. We need to men that being a man isn’t an excuse for incompetent parenting, and that the label of Dad is earned. We need to teach men to stand up for others and not just themselves. We need to create a society where being a man shouldn’t be an excuse for bad behavior but instead a reason for good behavior. We need to set examples to men of all they can achieve, instead of treating them as a problem that needs to be fixed.

How far could men go if we taught them to do better, instead of telling them what they are doing wrong?

The Cult to Averageness and the Persecution of Excellence

You have competition every day because you set such high standards for yourself that you have to go out every day and live up to that.

Michael Jordan

The last few weeks, we have seen social media buzzing with the wonders of the “Dad-Body” as the new fad in male body types. In most cases, I usually ignore internet fads, as they tend to be as relevant as they are permanent. Yet in this case, I found it more amusing than ever, as this fad in particular, and its resulting discussion, placed yet again the limelight on an aspect of society that has grown within social media’s ability to give the masses a voice;

The Cult to Average and the Persecution of Excellence.

The cult of Average is this idea that we are all good enough. And that’s true, we are. We see it in every aspect, ranging from beauty to intelligence, from financial success to physical fitness. It’s the idea that we are perfect just as we are, and there is no real need to try to be better. It gets to the point where people expect applause and adulation simply for resisting the need to be better! And that’s where it gets really messed up.

In an attempt to resist the “social pressures” to be better, they will condemn anyone who chooses to be better. We see this when in our discourse of “all bodies are beautiful” the follow up is basically “except those who make an effort to look good. They deserve our hate.”  The same goes into every other aspect. We need to demonize anyone who’s successful, anyone who looks good, anyone who’s educated, and the list goes on. We see it in the generalized idea that anyone with physical beauty or fitness must be a narcissist, that genius is accompanied by arrogance or that financial success can only be achieved by having no moral standards.

The amazing thing about this social condemnation of excellence is how being above average is only acceptable when it comes accompanied with acceptable flaws, as if the flaws compensate for the additional efforts of the person. We see it in the socially awkward genius, or the dumb, but lovable, jock, or the clumsy beauty.

All of these negative aspects are assigned to excellence because excellence exposes the averageness of others. Nobody is born in excellence, that’s the result of discipline, dedication, and a lot of effort. The problem is that the same people who profess not being superficial only see the superficial picture. They neither see nor care to see the work that lead to excellence. It’s easy to assume that beauty, physical fitness, or intelligence is only the result of genetics or that artistic or athletic skills are the result of natural talent, or that financial success is the result of getting an inheritance. This attitude only serves as an excuse to minimize the work and effort of those who achieve excellence.

Genetics, natural talent, and, even to a degree, inheritance only benefit you at the starting point. What counts is what you do with what you have. That’s what determines how far you can go. Let’s stop celebrating averageness as the best we can achieve as individuals. Stop assuming that the limitations society places on you are the highest standards you deserve to put on yourself. Effort, discipline, and self-sacrifice will always trump the small minds and insecurities of others.

You Are Worthy Of Being You

Self-worth comes from one thing - thinking that you are worthy.

Wayne Dyer

As I mentioned before, we live in a society that prides itself into forcing everyone into a constant state of “averageness,” as "ordinary" isn’t offensive to anyone. The rich are made to feel ashamed of being rich while the poor are made to feel ashamed of being poor. Women are made to feel ashamed of being women while men are made to feel ashamed of being men. Anyone looking into ways of becoming better is shamed out of their pursuit under the excuse of “you are perfect as you are.”

The reason for this is simple; anything beyond ordinary exposed the insecurities of others want to hide. Those who are successful exposes how average people can achieve more. Those who have fallen on hard times exposed how those who pride themselves on being average are doing nothing to help the less fortunate. It pretty much exposes those who want to wallow in doing little more than exist how there is life beyond the comfort zone.

The danger of this attitude isn’t its ability to prize mediocrity, but in making those who could be more feel ashamed of wanting to be more. Those who work hard for their financial success are made to feel ashamed of being successful, as success is vilified under the image of greed. Those who take care of their appearance are made to feel ashamed of being elegant, as elegance is vilified under the image of vanity. Those who work hard to better themselves are made to feel ashamed of their self-betterment efforts, as these efforts are vilified under the image of arrogance. That is why movements like #NoExcuses are attacked so virulently online, with constant accusations of shaming those who choose to have excuses. The success of some exposes the insecurities of others.

Why should you feel ashamed of your hard work and your effort? Why should you minimize your achievements? We see this every time we diminish what we do for others and for ourselves. I am not talking about pride vs. humility. I am talking about not having to lessen who we are because others can’t confront their own insecurities. I am saying you shouldn’t lower your head just so others don’t feel bad about themselves.

If your success, in whatever endeavor you participate, is the result of your hard work, be proud of it. You help this world more by becoming an inspiration to others who also want to succeed than by comforting those who want to stay comfortable. Be proud of every challenge you overcome, of every status quo you shatter, to every time you become more than you where yesterday. You are worthy of your success. You are worthy of being more.

You are worthy of being you!

What Doesn’t Make A Gentleman (And Curiously A Lady As Well)

(Note: This is a two part article. It will deal with what doesn’t define a gentleman and what does. You can’t really discuss one without the other. Also I took the risk of dealing with the topic of ladies, as after presenting the idea to Ms. B, she realized how the elements discussed applied to both Gentlemen and Ladies. You will notice how this post is full of links. These are the individual posts where I have expanded on the topic in previous posts.)

There are complete men and incomplete men. If you would be a complete man, put all of your soul's strength into all of your life's actions.

Eugenio Maria de Hostos

A fellow Gentleman over on our FB page dropped a gauntlet at my feet, a challenge which I have avoided without realizing it. Tired of the constant criticism against masculinity in social media and the ridiculous portrayal of men in traditional media, he felt it would be an interesting challenge to propose:

Top 10 honorable good traditional traits of a Gentleman

Honestly, I agree with his assessment of men’s depiction in modern media. We have been bombarded by the idea that the sarcastic Man-Child is an acceptable attitude to have, something I wrote about here. We are told by other guys that the only way to be a man is to be a player, idea that I challenge as well. On the other end, there is a general idea that men should be shamed into action to deal with the worse among us, strategy that has only created a feeling that being a man is something shameful. This resent attitude has gotten to the point where I have refused to write for some sites any more.

The reality is the net if full of articles like that. Really, it is. Go ahead and google “how to be a gentleman” or “10 traits all gentlemen have” or any other combinations of similar buzz words. Just get ready to sit down with a dozen of different versions of the “How to be a Gentleman to get the Lady” trope. Even on sites that proposed the idea that your actions “define you as a Gentleman, not her as a Lady” still fall on the Gentleman + Lady Stereotype we have avoided here, and reason why I have yet to put out a “How to Gentleman” post.

Ironically, for every social issue that men face, women face the flip side of the same coin. While men act like boys, girls act like women. Just as men are told how masculinity and being a Gentleman is something to be shamed out of them, women are attacked in a similar manner as femininity is viewed as weakness and the women are shamed out of the any intention of becoming a Lady.

A man’s interest of becoming a gentleman should never be dependent on a woman’s interest of becoming a Lady, nor the other way around. The reality is that a person’s interest into bettering themselves is not dependent on anything other than wanting to be one.

But before we can start to define what traits define a gentleman (or a lady for that manner) I think we should start by clearing the air of all the things that DON’T define a gentleman. There are way too many preconceptions carried by both words. Although this will be written from a gentleman’s perspective, understand that all of these apply to ladies as well.

Religious Denomination, Nationality, Race, or Ethnicity (or lack-off any of them)

This one is pretty simple, and can be inferred by this. Even though historically speaking, gentlemen had direct ties based on loyalty to their specific country, god, or king; almost every single country, society, and religion had their version of gentlemen (or similar archetypes) present. An English Gentleman is no more a gentleman than a Caballero. A Mensch is no more a Gentleman than a Junzi.  You use your ideals and beliefs to define the kind of gentleman you are. Others do the same with different ideals and beliefs. No one ideal has the right to trump another. No one nation should be held with more pride than another. No one race or ethnicity should be viewed as better than another. In the global world we live in, understanding this is critical.

Clothing

Whenever we think of gentlemen, you think of men in suits. I admit I have recommended the idea of the suit and the idea of being well groomed. Here’s the thing, wearing suit doesn’t make you any more of a Gentleman than a holding a weapon makes you into a warrior. Unfortunately, all too often people assume it does in both cases. The main idea isn’t the suit, but to respect yourself to care for yourself and how you present yourself to the world.

The reality is that if you don’t like to dress up, that doesn’t make you any less of a Gentleman. What makes you a Gentleman is how you refuse to make excuses for not dressing up. You understand and accept the reality that how you present yourself will define how others view you. You don’t need to justify who you are if you are proud of who you are. Consider that sometimes having a certain image is something that works for you and to what you do.

Social Standing

Way to often people assume that gentlemen are well off. How else are you going to afford all those suits, right? (Please read the Clothing entry again if you don’t get it.) I have dealt with well-off men who are Gentlemen. I have also dealt with well-off men who are anything but. The same I can say for men not as well off.

I have seen homeless men do acts of chivalry and hold themselves with honor and dignity, in spite of their situation. I have also seen rich men treat with more dignity and respect someone living in the street as someone living in a penthouse. I have seen the opposite on both situations as well. Your social standing neither makes you a villain nor a hero; neither makes you noble nor dishonorable. Who YOU are does.

History

All too often people think their past condemns their future. It does if you let it. The reality is you determine the man you are now, by the actions you take now. Sure, you might not have done the most honorable things in your youth, or lead the most saintly life. But as Oscar Wilde said, “all saints have a past and all sinners have a future.”

Never think you don’t deserve to be a gentleman just because of the guy you used to be. That’s actually the entire slogan of this site. Some of the most honorable men I have met started in the most dishonest lives.

Sexual Orientation (and maybe even gender?)

This has got to be one of my biggest pet peeves, as I’ve mentioned before. “Guys act like gentlemen to impress women.” What if the guy in question has no interest in the woman? Again, who he loves or doesn’t, who he dates or doesn’t, or who he marries or doesn’t, has no bearing in his actions as a Gentleman.

I will admit, my posts are written from a straight man’s perspective; I fully support equality of all kinds and will challenge any kind of bigotry and hatred. Take a moment and consider the following. If a gentleman is defined by his dedication to his character, if he is honest with himself and others, why would he hide who he is? Coming out to an unsupportive society and family takes a lot more cojones than most straight guys have.

And on the topic of cojones, I have met women who carry themselves with more gentlemanly dignity than a lot of the men out there, just as I have met men who carry themselves with more ladylike elegance than many women out there. Don’t assume you’re a gentleman or a lady just because of your genitals.

Different roads, same path.

When everything is said and done, a gentleman can’t be defined by things he either has no control over, his environment, or simply the superficial shell around him. If that were so, only those born within a very unique situation could be gentlemen, and we know that’s not true. A gentleman can be anyone, just as long as he works on what truly matters, and what truly matters are all things he can control.

But that will be the next installment.