Chivalrous Women And The Return Of Damehood

Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.

Nora Ephron

We often focus our conversation on terms like Gentlemen and Chivalry and how they pertain to men and their development/empowerment. We also express the importance of recognizing and promoting gender equality and how this can be done without the need of using gender neutrality. This means that the following two questions keep popping up in my social media feeds:

1.What do you call the female version of “Gentleman?”

2.What’s the woman’s version of Chivalry?

The funny thing is that every single article and post starting off with either of these question aren’t really asking a question but making an opening statement to a preconceived argument based on misinformation and misdirection to benefit their exposition. Why do I say “misinformation and misdirection?” Because both of these questions have actually appropriate answers.

Let’s start with the first one as it’s pretty damn obvious. You probably have heard it countless times within your life and might have even guess it by now. The woman’s version of “Gentleman” is called “Lady,” like the phrase “Ladies and Gentlemen.” If you find “Lady” as a negative term based on your personal interpretation and experience with the word or you want to sound more pedantic, you can also use Gentlewoman.

On the second question, I want to expand and enjoy.

Is there a code, similar to the medieval knightly code of chivalry, for women?  Can we find a female counterpart to the code that later shaped the gentlemen of today? Is there such a thing? According to most online sites, if such a thing doesn’t exist, everything that gentlemen stand for can be absolutely dismissed as sexist, either against men expected to do it or women expected to put up with it.

Believe it or not, there is. There exists a medieval Knightly code for women and it’s called…

…

Wait for it…

…

CHIVALRY!

Yes, you heard me right, chivalry. Let’s start by clarifying a highly overlooked fact, women could be knights. Sure, there were plenty of “men-only” knightly orders, but there was also several inclusive orders and “women-only” orders. When a dead knight’s land passed to his wife or daughter, these duties were imposed on that woman. In England, the title of Lady or Dame was usually given to such a woman holding such honors and “Damehood” was an acceptable term to define a woman’s “Knighthood.”  In Spain she would take the term Doña and in France female knights were called Chevalière.

And this wasn’t something exclusive to European Chivalry and Knighthood, as throughout history, strong fighting women have been present. I actually did a post about the history of warrior women some time ago.

Which brings us to today. Is there room today for a modern version of Damehood? I find this question somewhat condosending considering the Warrior Women who already shine brilliantly within our society! You see it in every strong and graceful woman who, even things have gone wrong in their lives, handled it. They refused to let their past or their environment define who they are now. 

These Ladies refused to embrace the victimhood mentality so popular among men and women today; a mentality that has turn any expectation of accountability, self-empowerment, and self-assessment into synonyms of victim-blaming. These men and women assume the idea of nothing being their fault or constantly searching for villians to blame. If it's never their fault, they don’t need to take responsibility for it. If they can't take responsibility for it, they will always be a victim in need of sympathy and attention, instead of actual help to overcome their challenges.

 
These Modern Dames are the strong independent women who refuse to be a victim of anything. We see these women showing more “balls” than most men and refusing to be, as Ronda Rousey so beautifully put it, a “Do Nothing Bitch,” a woman who tries to be pretty and be taken care of by somebody else. They hold their fate in their own hands. They refuse to be a Damsel in Distress or play off the victim card as a way to receive “equality” without the accountability of true equality.

We see this in the Queens who stand toe to toe with any King, as they should never be treated as any less. We see this in the warrior-women who fight side by side with the warrior-men as protectors while following the same code of honor with the same obligations. We see them in Ladies setting themselves apart of other women by carrying themselves with the same grace and determination that sets Gentleman apart form other men. We see them in every Dame who has inspired girls to be more than what society expects form women and teach boys how to be men.

Chivalry: Is it Sexist?

Chivalry: It's the little boy that kisses my hand, the young man who holds the door open for me, and the old man who tips his hat to me. None of it is a reflection of me, but a reflection of them.

Donna Lynn Hope

Every couple of months, we will get some kind of post calling out the sexism that is intrinsically attached to Chivalry, sometimes based on the latest study on gender issues, or simply a re-post of a previous one. We have a clear exposition as to the dangers and horrors of social inequality that have been reinforced for centuries by an outdated code of conduct that does little more than reinforce the repression of both men and women as the only reason any man would be chivalrous is to take advantage of his position within society.

The problem with that statement is that it’s pretty damn sexist on its own.

Chivalry is usually condemned as sexist by two specific groups, men who assume that chivalry places a women in a beneficial social position, assuming that it forces male servitude to women, and women who assume that the only reason men are chivalrous is to receive some kind of ulterior motive. Both cases say more about the person complaining than it does about Chivalry. The men assume that treating women with respect is degrading to them. The women assume that the only reason a gentlemen would treat a woman well is to degrade her or to take advantage of her, simply based on his gender. As we can see, sexism (prejudice based on gender) isn’t something exclusive that men do to women.

As a man and a gentleman, I am offended by both assumptions.

Ignoring the fact that those who call out chivalry as sexist do so from an ill-conceived preconception, I think it might be a good idea to actually ask if Chivalry is in fact sexist. For starters, as chivalry is a code of conduct and an ideal, it can’t be sexist. Now, can a chivalrous gentleman be sexist? Yes. You see, sexism isn’t dependent on chivalry, but on the person. Just as much as a woman can. Anyone can be sexist and sexist people will often use ideals and stretches of logic to justify their sexism, as do the racist and the bigot.

But what about all those extra attentions gentlemen offer ladies? Am I going to dismiss that reality? No. Then again, keep in mind that a gentleman doesn’t offer “extra” attentions to ladies; it’s that these attentions are more obvious to the observer. Treating people with respect and honor isn’t as obvious as opening a door or offering a seat in a bus. For this debate, I am going to focus on the logic behind a Gentleman’s actions towards women.

There are innumerous reasons behind said actions. Here I am going to break down some of different reasons gentlemen do them. I will focus beyond the practicality behind chivalry and the security aspect, as I already talked extensively on both cases. If I feel that the logic behind them is sexist, I will gladly admit to it. Do note that these are not the only reasons behind chivalry, as I have constantly tried to illustrate, there are as many paths to chivalry as there are chivalrous men.

The Sexist Gentleman.

This is the well-mannered, impeccably dressed, twin brother of the chauvinist pig of a man. They do exist, and are pretty much my main nemesis as they give the rest of us a bad name. He assumes that women are less than men and will uses chivalry as a tool for superiority. These men aren’t gentlemen. They simply act like one.

The Feminist Gentleman

Women have to deal with a lot of inequality and injustices from society and less scrupulous men. The gentleman views his actions as a way to compensate for what women must endure. Their actions become a leveling device, as they become an agent of equity.

The Equalist Gentleman

We assume that Gentlemen treat women with special treatment. This would be true, if it wasn’t that said special treatment is extended to EVERYONE except other men of equal standing. Is it because we assume that men of equal standing are better? No. It’s because we assume that men of equal standing should be just as chivalrous as us. We hold them to the same standards and expectations we hold ourselves, and that’s usually a lot higher than what we expect from anyone else.

The Serviceable Gentleman

A gentleman serves. It has always been this way. He serves his community, his family, his country, and his ideals. That’s what a gentleman does. So why should he stop serving someone simply because they are a woman? Do note that there is a world of difference between service and servitude. He stands strong by someone’s side, but never grovels by someone’s feet.

The Shameful Gentleman

Similar to the Feminist Gentleman, the gentleman is actually ashamed of the actions of other men. Their actions are in a way penance for their gender as they try to prove that not all men are “like that.” Many times, this is the result of having been exposed to the hurt that men can cause women.

The Respectful Gentleman

Believe it or not, this one, by definition is actually sexist. Gentlemen treat women from the starting point and notion that women should be respected because they are women. “Treat her like a princess because you were raised by a Queen.” This is usually the result of a man being raised by proper women role models. These gentlemen tend to assume that all women will measure up to the standards set by the women who helped shape them as men. Their actions are guided as a sign of respect towards the women in question.

The Romanceer Gentleman

This is another that falls on the “sexist by definition” category. It isn’t that they view women as inferior, but rather they view women as beautiful and tend to place them on a pedestal. Keep in mind that these men don’t focus these actions to “pretty women” only, but rather look for the beauty is ALL women.

The Simple Gentleman

The simplest explanation for these acts is simply because the man was raised with manners. There is no hidden agenda, no philosophical logic, and no profound insight. The man was simply raise with manners, and these manners align with chivalry, plain and simple. Why do we need to overcomplicate everything in life?

As I mentioned at the beginning, chivalry isn’t sexist and if a man is sexist, it isn’t because of chivalry. I can almost hear the cries of “I am civil to everyone, irrelevant to their gender.” The reality is that so is the Gentleman. Just because you choose to ignore everything else a gentleman does simply to focus on what you can use to support your click-bait article, doesn’t take away from what he does for those around him. 

What Doesn’t Make A Gentleman (And Curiously A Lady As Well)

(Note: This is a two part article. It will deal with what doesn’t define a gentleman and what does. You can’t really discuss one without the other. Also I took the risk of dealing with the topic of ladies, as after presenting the idea to Ms. B, she realized how the elements discussed applied to both Gentlemen and Ladies. You will notice how this post is full of links. These are the individual posts where I have expanded on the topic in previous posts.)

There are complete men and incomplete men. If you would be a complete man, put all of your soul's strength into all of your life's actions.

Eugenio Maria de Hostos

A fellow Gentleman over on our FB page dropped a gauntlet at my feet, a challenge which I have avoided without realizing it. Tired of the constant criticism against masculinity in social media and the ridiculous portrayal of men in traditional media, he felt it would be an interesting challenge to propose:

Top 10 honorable good traditional traits of a Gentleman

Honestly, I agree with his assessment of men’s depiction in modern media. We have been bombarded by the idea that the sarcastic Man-Child is an acceptable attitude to have, something I wrote about here. We are told by other guys that the only way to be a man is to be a player, idea that I challenge as well. On the other end, there is a general idea that men should be shamed into action to deal with the worse among us, strategy that has only created a feeling that being a man is something shameful. This resent attitude has gotten to the point where I have refused to write for some sites any more.

The reality is the net if full of articles like that. Really, it is. Go ahead and google “how to be a gentleman” or “10 traits all gentlemen have” or any other combinations of similar buzz words. Just get ready to sit down with a dozen of different versions of the “How to be a Gentleman to get the Lady” trope. Even on sites that proposed the idea that your actions “define you as a Gentleman, not her as a Lady” still fall on the Gentleman + Lady Stereotype we have avoided here, and reason why I have yet to put out a “How to Gentleman” post.

Ironically, for every social issue that men face, women face the flip side of the same coin. While men act like boys, girls act like women. Just as men are told how masculinity and being a Gentleman is something to be shamed out of them, women are attacked in a similar manner as femininity is viewed as weakness and the women are shamed out of the any intention of becoming a Lady.

A man’s interest of becoming a gentleman should never be dependent on a woman’s interest of becoming a Lady, nor the other way around. The reality is that a person’s interest into bettering themselves is not dependent on anything other than wanting to be one.

But before we can start to define what traits define a gentleman (or a lady for that manner) I think we should start by clearing the air of all the things that DON’T define a gentleman. There are way too many preconceptions carried by both words. Although this will be written from a gentleman’s perspective, understand that all of these apply to ladies as well.

Religious Denomination, Nationality, Race, or Ethnicity (or lack-off any of them)

This one is pretty simple, and can be inferred by this. Even though historically speaking, gentlemen had direct ties based on loyalty to their specific country, god, or king; almost every single country, society, and religion had their version of gentlemen (or similar archetypes) present. An English Gentleman is no more a gentleman than a Caballero. A Mensch is no more a Gentleman than a Junzi.  You use your ideals and beliefs to define the kind of gentleman you are. Others do the same with different ideals and beliefs. No one ideal has the right to trump another. No one nation should be held with more pride than another. No one race or ethnicity should be viewed as better than another. In the global world we live in, understanding this is critical.

Clothing

Whenever we think of gentlemen, you think of men in suits. I admit I have recommended the idea of the suit and the idea of being well groomed. Here’s the thing, wearing suit doesn’t make you any more of a Gentleman than a holding a weapon makes you into a warrior. Unfortunately, all too often people assume it does in both cases. The main idea isn’t the suit, but to respect yourself to care for yourself and how you present yourself to the world.

The reality is that if you don’t like to dress up, that doesn’t make you any less of a Gentleman. What makes you a Gentleman is how you refuse to make excuses for not dressing up. You understand and accept the reality that how you present yourself will define how others view you. You don’t need to justify who you are if you are proud of who you are. Consider that sometimes having a certain image is something that works for you and to what you do.

Social Standing

Way to often people assume that gentlemen are well off. How else are you going to afford all those suits, right? (Please read the Clothing entry again if you don’t get it.) I have dealt with well-off men who are Gentlemen. I have also dealt with well-off men who are anything but. The same I can say for men not as well off.

I have seen homeless men do acts of chivalry and hold themselves with honor and dignity, in spite of their situation. I have also seen rich men treat with more dignity and respect someone living in the street as someone living in a penthouse. I have seen the opposite on both situations as well. Your social standing neither makes you a villain nor a hero; neither makes you noble nor dishonorable. Who YOU are does.

History

All too often people think their past condemns their future. It does if you let it. The reality is you determine the man you are now, by the actions you take now. Sure, you might not have done the most honorable things in your youth, or lead the most saintly life. But as Oscar Wilde said, “all saints have a past and all sinners have a future.”

Never think you don’t deserve to be a gentleman just because of the guy you used to be. That’s actually the entire slogan of this site. Some of the most honorable men I have met started in the most dishonest lives.

Sexual Orientation (and maybe even gender?)

This has got to be one of my biggest pet peeves, as I’ve mentioned before. “Guys act like gentlemen to impress women.” What if the guy in question has no interest in the woman? Again, who he loves or doesn’t, who he dates or doesn’t, or who he marries or doesn’t, has no bearing in his actions as a Gentleman.

I will admit, my posts are written from a straight man’s perspective; I fully support equality of all kinds and will challenge any kind of bigotry and hatred. Take a moment and consider the following. If a gentleman is defined by his dedication to his character, if he is honest with himself and others, why would he hide who he is? Coming out to an unsupportive society and family takes a lot more cojones than most straight guys have.

And on the topic of cojones, I have met women who carry themselves with more gentlemanly dignity than a lot of the men out there, just as I have met men who carry themselves with more ladylike elegance than many women out there. Don’t assume you’re a gentleman or a lady just because of your genitals.

Different roads, same path.

When everything is said and done, a gentleman can’t be defined by things he either has no control over, his environment, or simply the superficial shell around him. If that were so, only those born within a very unique situation could be gentlemen, and we know that’s not true. A gentleman can be anyone, just as long as he works on what truly matters, and what truly matters are all things he can control.

But that will be the next installment.