Chivalrous Women And The Return Of Damehood

Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.

Nora Ephron

We often focus our conversation on terms like Gentlemen and Chivalry and how they pertain to men and their development/empowerment. We also express the importance of recognizing and promoting gender equality and how this can be done without the need of using gender neutrality. This means that the following two questions keep popping up in my social media feeds:

1.What do you call the female version of “Gentleman?”

2.What’s the woman’s version of Chivalry?

The funny thing is that every single article and post starting off with either of these question aren’t really asking a question but making an opening statement to a preconceived argument based on misinformation and misdirection to benefit their exposition. Why do I say “misinformation and misdirection?” Because both of these questions have actually appropriate answers.

Let’s start with the first one as it’s pretty damn obvious. You probably have heard it countless times within your life and might have even guess it by now. The woman’s version of “Gentleman” is called “Lady,” like the phrase “Ladies and Gentlemen.” If you find “Lady” as a negative term based on your personal interpretation and experience with the word or you want to sound more pedantic, you can also use Gentlewoman.

On the second question, I want to expand and enjoy.

Is there a code, similar to the medieval knightly code of chivalry, for women?  Can we find a female counterpart to the code that later shaped the gentlemen of today? Is there such a thing? According to most online sites, if such a thing doesn’t exist, everything that gentlemen stand for can be absolutely dismissed as sexist, either against men expected to do it or women expected to put up with it.

Believe it or not, there is. There exists a medieval Knightly code for women and it’s called…

…

Wait for it…

…

CHIVALRY!

Yes, you heard me right, chivalry. Let’s start by clarifying a highly overlooked fact, women could be knights. Sure, there were plenty of “men-only” knightly orders, but there was also several inclusive orders and “women-only” orders. When a dead knight’s land passed to his wife or daughter, these duties were imposed on that woman. In England, the title of Lady or Dame was usually given to such a woman holding such honors and “Damehood” was an acceptable term to define a woman’s “Knighthood.”  In Spain she would take the term Doña and in France female knights were called Chevalière.

And this wasn’t something exclusive to European Chivalry and Knighthood, as throughout history, strong fighting women have been present. I actually did a post about the history of warrior women some time ago.

Which brings us to today. Is there room today for a modern version of Damehood? I find this question somewhat condosending considering the Warrior Women who already shine brilliantly within our society! You see it in every strong and graceful woman who, even things have gone wrong in their lives, handled it. They refused to let their past or their environment define who they are now. 

These Ladies refused to embrace the victimhood mentality so popular among men and women today; a mentality that has turn any expectation of accountability, self-empowerment, and self-assessment into synonyms of victim-blaming. These men and women assume the idea of nothing being their fault or constantly searching for villians to blame. If it's never their fault, they don’t need to take responsibility for it. If they can't take responsibility for it, they will always be a victim in need of sympathy and attention, instead of actual help to overcome their challenges.

 
These Modern Dames are the strong independent women who refuse to be a victim of anything. We see these women showing more “balls” than most men and refusing to be, as Ronda Rousey so beautifully put it, a “Do Nothing Bitch,” a woman who tries to be pretty and be taken care of by somebody else. They hold their fate in their own hands. They refuse to be a Damsel in Distress or play off the victim card as a way to receive “equality” without the accountability of true equality.

We see this in the Queens who stand toe to toe with any King, as they should never be treated as any less. We see this in the warrior-women who fight side by side with the warrior-men as protectors while following the same code of honor with the same obligations. We see them in Ladies setting themselves apart of other women by carrying themselves with the same grace and determination that sets Gentleman apart form other men. We see them in every Dame who has inspired girls to be more than what society expects form women and teach boys how to be men.

“I Just Want To See You As Messed Up As Me.”

You can’t fix yourself by breaking someone else.

Unknown

As of late, I have been looking over several social situations, some that hit close to home and some that are just general issues that affect me indirectly. This got me wondering why I have stepped away from the activism front. I mean, when I started Being Caballero, part of me wanted to give men the tools to better themselves, but another part wished to help make this a better world in general. This second half made me question how I could do it without being in the front line of the debate. That’s when I look at the front-liners and understand why I stepped away.

Most people don’t want to change the world to a better place. Their intentions aren’t to fix a problem, nor is it to produce solutions, but rather to wallow in the fact that the issue exists. These can be broken down into two distinct groups, the Wounded and the Patch-Sellers. The sad part is that neither group wants to fix the problem they fight against. They just want to see the other person messed up.

The Wounded just want others to feel as hurt as they do, where retribution becomes an all-consuming goal. This want is forged by a need for others to understand their pain, a thirst for vengeance, or simply a disdain for anyone not suffering as well. They view life as unjust, as they can’t accept anyone having happiness or success if they don’t have it as well. All too often we find ourselves “helping” these people by becoming their weapons of “justice” or punishing ourselves; either are done usually out of a sense of guilt. The reality is this first group deserves sympathy, understanding, and support. They need our help and our empathy, but remember that neither is achieved by attacking someone else or torturing ourselves.

The Patch-Sellers, on the other hand, are simply looking for an excuse to manifest behavior that otherwise would be frowned upon through the use of manufactured rage and theatrical disgust. Their weapons are thing that are usually viewed under a negative light, such as aggression, oppression, abuse, and shaming yet society tends to find these actions acceptable and are even applaud them when done for “the right reasons” to help the “right people.” All too often, the Patch-Sellers will use the Wounded as pawns and shields to avoid reprisal from others, as the Patch-Sellers reap the benefit of a constant conflict as they promote an “eye for an eye” mentality. There is a reality that comes from the “an eye for an eye” ideology; the man selling the eye patches gets rich. Usually the Patch-Seller have set up shop long before the conflict became popular.

Before you get guilted into action, consider what the problem is and what's the solution you want to achieve. If you just want to take action for action’s sake, to feel like you are doing something, you will probably just complicate the problem even further and often end up hurting innocent people along the way. Stop and consider if you are even being used to promote someone’s interests and agenda. There is the real possibility that you are being used as your idea of righteousness and honor actually makes you somewhat predicable.

If you are ever in doubt over what you should do, just consider that helping someone never involves hurting someone else. You can’t fix one person by breaking another.

If You’re Destined To Be A Warrior, Be One With A Cause.

Warriors are not what you think of as warriors. The warrior is not someone who fights, because no one has the right to take another life. The warrior, for us, is one who sacrifices himself for the good of others.

His task is to take care of the elderly, the defenseless, those who cannot provide for themselves, and, above all, the children, the future of humanity.

Sitting Bull

Every so often I like to bring attention to Gentlemen who have taken opon themselves to make this world a little better simply because it’s the right thing to do. I have mentioned before importance of organizations like the Café Sospeso, the Brothers for Sisters, and That Suits You. Today, I bring you one that I learned about last year, one that exemplifies that a modern warrior scholar should be, Bikers Against Child Abuse.

Some men are forged by a hard life and become hard themselves. These men don’t shy away from the stereotypes that society places on them, but rather embrace it as an honor. Bikers are like this. Their badass aura and an even worse reputation sometimes don’t always reflect their gentle hearts and honorable intentions. But instead of trying to conform within society, some use what could be considered a social stigma, and use it for good.

Children who have been the victims of abuse live in constant fear, as usually their abusers were someone they trusted.  To them, that monster hiding in their closet or under their bed is more real than what it should be. Even if their abuser is no longer around, the fear is still there. So how do you handle a scary monster? By getting an even scarier champion.

Even kids know that nobody messes with bikers. Bikers look big, and strong, and mean, both in real life and in how they are portrayed on television and in films. They are easy riders, sons of anarchy, not afraid of anything and, more importantly, they take care of their own. A child who has been abused by someone bigger and stronger knows too well what it feels like to be small and vulnerable. BACA shifts that balance, by putting even bigger and stronger people, a lot of them, on the child's side.

If ever the child feels threatened, scared, or simply wants someone to be there, they simply have to call, and a couple of riders will come by. They are there to provide a safe environment, a place for the child to feel secure. This might be to scare of the abuser, to walk with the kid to school, or simply to stand guard all night in front of the house to scare off nightmares.

Not everyone is accepted within the BACA. These men train for their duty, as many are actual social workers and all are required to pass a string of background checks and training courses to deal with the emotional strain of their duty. But instead of trying to explain their ideology, I think their creed says it better than I could.

I am a member of Bikers Against Child Abuse. The die has been cast. The decision has been made. I have stepped over the line. I won’t look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still.

My past has prepared me, my present makes sense, and my future is secure. I’m finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, mundane talking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need pre-eminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I dont have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded. I now live by the faith in my works, and lean on the strength of my brothers and sisters. I love with patience, live by prayer, and labor with power.

My fate is set, my gait is fast, my goal is the ultimate safety of children. My road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are tried and true, my Guide is reliable, my mission is clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.

I won’t give up, shut up, let up, until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, and showed up for all wounded children. I must go until I drop, ride until I give out, and work till He stops me. And when He comes for His own, He will have no problem recognizing me, for He will see my BACA back patch and know that I am one of His. I am a member of Bikers Against Child Abuse, and this is my creed.

BACA Creed