A Request To Every Strong Woman, From Every Strong Man

Strong women intimidate boys… and excite men.

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Ladies, you might have noticed that I tend to avoid making posts about dating and about women. The reality is that I have never wanted to turn Being Caballero into a dating advice column, but rather about how men need to better themselves. Also, I find it absurd and a bit arrogant that I, as a man, would tell women how to be.

That being said, I do have to bring up a topic in specific that does affect men’s efforts to become better men, and that is the notion that women today have to act dumb or weak to avoid scaring off men. To that mentality, I have but a single request to all you ladies out there that have considered it.

Please don’t.

Now for the elaborate explanation. Every woman has at one point or another either said the words “where are all the good men” or “guys are all the same.” They have felt that being strong, intelligent, and independent might be a good thing from a personal and professional level, but hinders them in finding a good relationship. They end up with the notion that good men are hard to find, so let’s settle with Mr. Good Enough.

Sure, you end up fulfilling the need to be in a relationship, you quench your thirst for companionship, but at what price. You end up in a relationship where you either keep up the mask of weakness and stupidity just to keep the man content, while your own happiness falters, or you show who you truly are at the risk of anyway creating further insecurities on an already insecure man. Is “at least I have a man” worth saying for a few days, months, or years of bad companionship in a bad relationship?

Consider the following. Every time you say that good men are hard to find, every other woman who hears you finds herself validated in lowering her own standards. This then creates a cycle of insecurities, where women assume that the price to pay for being strong and intelligent is loneliness. That’s not true.

Also consider the effect that it creates in men. “Every guy’s the same” just tells men that they don’t need to become better men, as they assume that their efforts won’t be even noticed. They assume that being “Good enough” is good enough to get a woman way out of their league. This makes men assume that women have to put up with half-assed relationship efforts, as they know that you are already willing to put yourself down just to avoid scaring him off.

The reality is that there are plenty of good men out there, and all too often they are asking themselves the very same question you are; “where are all the good women.” Nowadays, we find that men are more willing to better themselves, as they become aware of the personal need to better themselves, to not settle for a woman just based on her looks. They are looking for more from a relationship, usually the result of the same things that lead women to wonder where the good men are; previously failed relationships. The problem is that those insecure men and women tend to be really loud and drown out the rest of those who are strong enough not to need the social approval of others.

So go out there, be strong, be intelligent, be powerful, and be yourself. Who you are will automatically weed out the undesirables. Start looking for men you can look straight into their eyes, men who stand shoulder to shoulder and you don’t have to carry around. Look for men who are your equal. That kind of man is probably looking for the same thing.

Flipping The Dating Script

Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.

Scott Adams

There’s nothing as informally structured, anxiety inducing, and unnecessarily complicated within our society as dating. You would think that with the amount of people in the planet and our overtly connected society we have developed our ability to interact with the intention of sharing a life experience would be something we have down pat. What makes it even more interesting is the subjective perspective we have within the entire courtship drama that is life, as men and women assume that their gender got the short end of the dating stick.

Men assume that women are at an advantageous position when it comes to dating, where the social norms places women at an obvious advantage from their perspective. And they might be right. Men have to openly admit their interest in a Lady by making their first move. They have to pick an activity and a location they think the woman would want to do. They have to amuse, entertain, and romance her; risking rejection at every step of the way, as the entire evening becomes little more than a performance for just one judge, one single person who holds all the power… the woman sitting across the dinner table.

And they say that working for Chef Ramsay is stressful.

A man’s perspective about dating is great and all till you sit down and ask a woman her point of view, as they can clearly explain why men have the advantageous position when it comes to dating. And they might be right as well. The man can go up to a woman to ask her out, leaving the woman in a position of having to wait till he decides that he wants to. He picks the place and the time. He plans it out. And the woman is left in a passive position as the only active participation socially accepted is held by the man. If traditional dating rules are to be followed, the best they can do to during the entire situation, and even to initiate it, is to send out hints of interest and approval.

And we know just how well people in general pick up on hints.

But what if we could change this whole messy and complicated affair? What if we could hand women the power of assertiveness they complain that they don’t have within the courtship ritual? What if we could ask men not to be so controlling, allowing themselves the ability to enjoy the ride and let go of the reigns?

Guess that you can!!! Some mad genius has called out the social bullshit that men and women complain about dating by promoting for a second year in a row September as “Take a Man on a Date” month!

And I say that he is calling out the social bullshit about dating because as much as men might complain that women are on the judging table in the dating equation, nothing is as challenging to a man as taking a passive participation in anything in life. And women might complain about men having the power within the dating scene, yet very few have confronted the terrifying scenarios of possible rejections, and its accompanying self-doubt and social shaming, that come from asking someone out.

That’s the beauty of modernity… modern women are confident enough to just walk up to whoever they are interested in, and be able to ask them out! That should be a simple side effect of being a confident woman. Who cares what people think? The wonderful thing is that for this month, you can blame it on it being September.

And Gentlemen…  Modern men should be confident enough not to be intimidated by strong assertive women! Be honored and flattered is a lady comes up to ask you out. You probably are able to relate to every single thought she must have gone through before walking up to you. Don’t fall back into a judgmental or arrogant mindset, as you should be able to empathize.

And Empathy should be the most important lesson within this month. Men and women are given an opportunity to step into each others shoes (and depending on how the date does, into much more) on what each other goes through in the dating scene. React as you wish the other gender would react to you. Who knows, this might be a great opportunity for people to start treating dating as something fun.

Rejection, The Online Dating Edition or "What The Hell’s Wrong With Guys Today?"

Most fears of rejection rest on the desire for approval from other people. Don't base your self-esteem on their opinions.

Harvey Mackay

A couple of days ago, a post was forwarded to me by a female friend asking for my opinion. The  basic idea of the post? As the article opening statement clearly mentions: “Man gives attention to a woman. Woman expresses her lack of desire for said attention. Man immediately turns hostile.” To read the full article, click here. My friend’s question was pretty simple.

What the hell’s wrong with guys today?

In actuality, her comments were a little more complex and involve several phrases that would shame most experienced seamen, but that’s neither here nor there. To be honest, I can’t really blame her comments as I have noticed how common this behavior is in the online dating circuit. It’s common enough to merit the Internet’s attention by exposing this behavior in previous articles like this one and this one. After looking this, and plenty more information about the subject I ended up with just one question in mind.

What the hell’s wrong with guys today?

Sure, we could blame a patriarchal society, male entitlement, and sexism. Everyone else seems to do it. But to be honest, every time people place blame on such abstract concept, it’s usually so they don’t have to think about an issue and find a more tangible cause and solution, it’s little more than a cop out.

So I started thinking about it, why can’t any of these guys (note that I will neither use the term men nor gentlemen when speaking about these guys) take the hint that the lady in question isn’t interested, nor why can’t they accept a simple “No.” What’s the emotional and social baggage that makes them incapable of dealing with rejection? And that’s when it hit me. The key word to find an answer isn’t “men,” or “sexism;” it’s “rejection.”

Please keep in mind as we move forward that I’m not saying that these guys aren’t sexist. What I’m saying is that they turn hostile (hurt) due to a rejection. They probably would have shown their sexist colors anyway later on. Also this isn’t your typical man, as most men aren’t like this. Unfortunately, today’s social media lives by feeding you with the worst case as if it was the typical case. We eat it up, share it out, and relate to it because who can’t relate with the idea of dealing with that one asshole who ruined your entire day?

But back to the topic in hand, why do these guys act this way? Because we trained them this way! Just take a second, stop thinking about the actual event and think about what we have been taught about dealing with rejection. They usually come in two varieties.

“Never take ‘No’ for an answer. Rejection just means you need to try harder.”

or

“It’s not that you’re not good enough. It’s that the other person failed to see what you had to offer”

These might sound like wonderful and inspiring life messages until you think about their effect on a person’s behavior. The first one teaches you that ‘No’ is unacceptable and that whenever you get that answer, you just need to try harder and more aggressively to achieve your success. Nice lesson to learn is a society where consent is so important whenever you are interacting with anyone. The second one teaches you to blame everything on everyone around you and their rejection is viewed as an attack based on the other person’s issues. Then we wonder where our current attitude of entitlement comes from.

We have these lessons drilled into our minds since we are kids. How many times have we heard a Mom tell her young boy that he’s special, and if the other kids don’t want to play with him, it’s their loss? (while glad that her wonderful son is no longer dating that tramp) How many times have we heard a Dad tell his daughter that she’s too good for the boy who dumped her? (while secretly planning the jerk’s demise)

But why do we see this behavior typically from guys? It’s not that women don’t have their fair share of assholes. It’s that in our current social behavior it’s the man who usually does the opening move. Due to this, the numeric probability is that you will see more male assholes than female assholes, at least in this specific scenario. It’s not that women don’t do the same, as there are plenty of stories of gals questioning a man’s masculinity as soon as he rejects her.

So how do we keep this from happening, or at the very least lessen the probabilities of this happening? We could start teaching our kids to deal with rejection from a positive perspective. We need to stop teaching how to handle hearing the word ‘No’ in a way that the person doesn’t feel insulted. We need to stop measuring our self-worth based on other people’s approval.

Chivalry: Is it Sexist?

Chivalry: It's the little boy that kisses my hand, the young man who holds the door open for me, and the old man who tips his hat to me. None of it is a reflection of me, but a reflection of them.

Donna Lynn Hope

Every couple of months, we will get some kind of post calling out the sexism that is intrinsically attached to Chivalry, sometimes based on the latest study on gender issues, or simply a re-post of a previous one. We have a clear exposition as to the dangers and horrors of social inequality that have been reinforced for centuries by an outdated code of conduct that does little more than reinforce the repression of both men and women as the only reason any man would be chivalrous is to take advantage of his position within society.

The problem with that statement is that it’s pretty damn sexist on its own.

Chivalry is usually condemned as sexist by two specific groups, men who assume that chivalry places a women in a beneficial social position, assuming that it forces male servitude to women, and women who assume that the only reason men are chivalrous is to receive some kind of ulterior motive. Both cases say more about the person complaining than it does about Chivalry. The men assume that treating women with respect is degrading to them. The women assume that the only reason a gentlemen would treat a woman well is to degrade her or to take advantage of her, simply based on his gender. As we can see, sexism (prejudice based on gender) isn’t something exclusive that men do to women.

As a man and a gentleman, I am offended by both assumptions.

Ignoring the fact that those who call out chivalry as sexist do so from an ill-conceived preconception, I think it might be a good idea to actually ask if Chivalry is in fact sexist. For starters, as chivalry is a code of conduct and an ideal, it can’t be sexist. Now, can a chivalrous gentleman be sexist? Yes. You see, sexism isn’t dependent on chivalry, but on the person. Just as much as a woman can. Anyone can be sexist and sexist people will often use ideals and stretches of logic to justify their sexism, as do the racist and the bigot.

But what about all those extra attentions gentlemen offer ladies? Am I going to dismiss that reality? No. Then again, keep in mind that a gentleman doesn’t offer “extra” attentions to ladies; it’s that these attentions are more obvious to the observer. Treating people with respect and honor isn’t as obvious as opening a door or offering a seat in a bus. For this debate, I am going to focus on the logic behind a Gentleman’s actions towards women.

There are innumerous reasons behind said actions. Here I am going to break down some of different reasons gentlemen do them. I will focus beyond the practicality behind chivalry and the security aspect, as I already talked extensively on both cases. If I feel that the logic behind them is sexist, I will gladly admit to it. Do note that these are not the only reasons behind chivalry, as I have constantly tried to illustrate, there are as many paths to chivalry as there are chivalrous men.

The Sexist Gentleman.

This is the well-mannered, impeccably dressed, twin brother of the chauvinist pig of a man. They do exist, and are pretty much my main nemesis as they give the rest of us a bad name. He assumes that women are less than men and will uses chivalry as a tool for superiority. These men aren’t gentlemen. They simply act like one.

The Feminist Gentleman

Women have to deal with a lot of inequality and injustices from society and less scrupulous men. The gentleman views his actions as a way to compensate for what women must endure. Their actions become a leveling device, as they become an agent of equity.

The Equalist Gentleman

We assume that Gentlemen treat women with special treatment. This would be true, if it wasn’t that said special treatment is extended to EVERYONE except other men of equal standing. Is it because we assume that men of equal standing are better? No. It’s because we assume that men of equal standing should be just as chivalrous as us. We hold them to the same standards and expectations we hold ourselves, and that’s usually a lot higher than what we expect from anyone else.

The Serviceable Gentleman

A gentleman serves. It has always been this way. He serves his community, his family, his country, and his ideals. That’s what a gentleman does. So why should he stop serving someone simply because they are a woman? Do note that there is a world of difference between service and servitude. He stands strong by someone’s side, but never grovels by someone’s feet.

The Shameful Gentleman

Similar to the Feminist Gentleman, the gentleman is actually ashamed of the actions of other men. Their actions are in a way penance for their gender as they try to prove that not all men are “like that.” Many times, this is the result of having been exposed to the hurt that men can cause women.

The Respectful Gentleman

Believe it or not, this one, by definition is actually sexist. Gentlemen treat women from the starting point and notion that women should be respected because they are women. “Treat her like a princess because you were raised by a Queen.” This is usually the result of a man being raised by proper women role models. These gentlemen tend to assume that all women will measure up to the standards set by the women who helped shape them as men. Their actions are guided as a sign of respect towards the women in question.

The Romanceer Gentleman

This is another that falls on the “sexist by definition” category. It isn’t that they view women as inferior, but rather they view women as beautiful and tend to place them on a pedestal. Keep in mind that these men don’t focus these actions to “pretty women” only, but rather look for the beauty is ALL women.

The Simple Gentleman

The simplest explanation for these acts is simply because the man was raised with manners. There is no hidden agenda, no philosophical logic, and no profound insight. The man was simply raise with manners, and these manners align with chivalry, plain and simple. Why do we need to overcomplicate everything in life?

As I mentioned at the beginning, chivalry isn’t sexist and if a man is sexist, it isn’t because of chivalry. I can almost hear the cries of “I am civil to everyone, irrelevant to their gender.” The reality is that so is the Gentleman. Just because you choose to ignore everything else a gentleman does simply to focus on what you can use to support your click-bait article, doesn’t take away from what he does for those around him.