A Gentleman’s Sport

Win like a man. Lose like a man. You know what's worse than a loser? Someone who won't admit he played it wrong.

Kevin Spacey (21)

I have mentioned my grandfather several times within this blog as an influential mentor and my first guide to the lifestyle of the old school gentleman. I have also mentioned how gambling was something done openly as it was legal and part of his business. There were plenty of times when he would take me with him as he conducted his business, as he wanted me to see how a gentleman conducted himself within society. 

Other than the usual places you's expect to go when running a restaurant/bar, he would take me to some rather "colorful" places. The first place we would frequent was the horse track, as he rented a space for a legal betting shop within his building. The second was the local cock fighting arena as one of his hobbies was breeding fighting cocks.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that my mother probably had no idea the places where my grandfather was taking me. Then again, what can you really expect from the owner of a bar looking over his grandson. No wonder why the first lesson he taught me was that gentlemen have tight lips.

Whenever my grandfather mentioned the cock fighting arena, he would speak of it as “the gentleman’s sport.” He would make me dress up, as he wore his finest guayabera, every time we headed off to the Arena.  As a kid you learn that dressing up meant you had to be in your best behavior.

Before you make a judgment call on cock fighting, let me make it clear, this isn’t a story about that. As I have grown older, my opinion on this cultural aspect of my youth has changed, but I’m not here to moralize about those topics.

There I saw my grandfather win and lose, always with a smile and with dignity, never changing his demeanor. No matter the chaos happening around us, he would never lose his cool. Once, he let me call the bet. As I got excited because I won, he simply placed his hand on my shoulder and in a low voice told me to control myself.

“Remember that every time you win, someone else lost. Don’t make them feel any worse.”

Later on that day, I asked him to let me place another bet as I was feeling rather lucky already. That time I lost, and reacted just as would be expected from a young boy. Again, he placed his hand on my shoulder and laid some more wisdom on me.

“When you play, you always risk losing. Don’t let your loss tarnish another person’s win.”

In his eyes, gambling was a “gentleman’s sport,” and in a way he was right. A couple words and a handshake is all it takes to make an agreement more binding than any piece of paper, as your word becomes your bond. You accept accountability for your actions and decisions. You learned to keep your cool under pressure. Winning or losing with dignity becomes how you showed respect to the other person involved in the wager. And isn’t that an integral part of being a Gentleman? How else would you call a man who’s able to keep his word and control his emotions, one who’s accountable for his actions and conscious of others fortune?

Just make sure that if you have to bet, bet on yourself no matter the odds.

Constructing A Better ‘Be A Man’

Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.

Albert Einstein

Last month I ran into a rather interesting video in my social media fee. The people at Cut Video asked boys and men, from age 5 to 50, a simple question; what does it mean to them when someone says “Be a Man?” It’s a rather interesting video where you get reactions from every aspect of the spectrum of opinions. Go ahead to the bottom of the post and watch it before we continue. Don’t worry, I’ll wait till you finish.

....

....

....

Interesting, right? We see all kind of reactions and comments, from the men inspired and elated about the idea of being a man to men disgusted by the social constructs of manhood and the expectations placed upon them by gender stereotypes. After initially watching it, I was left wondering why we have such diametrical reactions to the idea of ‘Be a Man.’ Why are some men’s reaction so positive, while others so negative?

The easy way out to answer that question would be to take my own perspective as the right one and place judgement on each men; condemning or applauding their answer based on my own opinion, using their reaction to justify my own experience. This being a social media site, that would be easy and every like-minded reader would just follow suit and say that I’m right and anyone who disagrees is wrong. Everyone’s happy, we just trolled the bad guys, and we go on with our happy diluted lives.

Life doesn’t quite work like that. Notice that this attitude doesn’t really answer the question of difference of opinion, but rather becomes self-serving and egotistical. The real question is, why is manhood a positive thing to some and a negative thing to others? The answer is quite simple. Those who have a positive attitude about manhood are because they have dealt with positive examples of manhood. Those who have a negative stance on manhood have usually been at the receiving end of a toxic manhood.

All too often we are bombarded with the idea that manhood IS toxic or that phrases like ‘Man Up’ only serve to perpetuate social constructs. I can’t agree with either mentality for several reasons. I have spoken already about why we need to Stop Not Saying ‘Man Up.’ As for the second one, you are right, manhood IS a social construct, but so is any idea you have about social interaction! Do you think that your vision of how you should handle gender, social justice, or simply everyday interaction isn’t a social construct you have made for yourself?

We all build an idea of what manhood is, usually thanks to our own personal experiences. We do this with EVERY SINGLE CONCEPT. Just ask 20 people to define love. You will probably get just as many definitions, all based on each person’s individual experiences and relationship history. Out of those experiences, each person build a definition and expectations of what ‘love’ is. The same thing happens with Manhood.

So what does this mean to each of us? That you have a double role within your obligations as a Man. The first is to create an ideal worth aspiring. Look and learn from men worthwhile. Look at what empowers you about being a man and what makes great men, well, great. Then work towards that goal.

The second? be the kind of man who inspires others to have a positive image of what Men are. We have enough bad examples out there and enough people attacking manhood, as everyone has met an asshole at one time or another in their lives. Prove them wrong. Become the example a young man needs when wondering how a man of character should behave. Become the example a young woman needs when wondering if all men are the same.

It’s simple. Be a Man and Man Up. Just make sure it’s to become the right kind of man.

A Tailored Life

The only man I know who behaves sensibly is my tailor; he takes my measurements anew each time he sees me. The rest go on with their old measurements and expect me to fit them.

George Bernard Shaw

Not everyone takes the time or spends the money to have their clothing tailor fitted. They assume that something off the rack, when bought in the proper size, should fit them well enough. And that’s where our most common life problem rears its ugly head, as we assume that “well enough” is good enough to make it work.

There are about 2.25 billion adult men in the world, yet we assume that they can be broken down into about 4 different body sizes. We think that, just because it’s our “size,” it will fit just like the catalog picture. And when it doesn’t, we blame the magazine for false advertisement. What if the problem isn’t that the magazine lied, but rather the magazine took the time to fit it properly to the model in the image? Most catalog clothing is actually tailored to the specific model so it fits perfectly as anyone in the marketing world knows “well enough” doesn’t really cut it.

The same thing does on for everything within this life. We read an article about how to better your life or take some advice on how to become a better man, expecting to receive the promised results. When these outcomes don’t pan out as expected, we dismiss the entirety of the information as useless. We assume that information is created as a black and white guideline format, where one size fits all, and the end results will work “well enough” for us.

“Well enough” is never good enough to make a difference in our lives.

Not everyone will get the same results from the same instructions. The first thing you need to do is understand who you are at that moment within your life. Unless you recognize who you are and know what you want, you are going to be left stranded trying to figure out why you can’t seem to become a better person. Without that knowledge, you will simply assume you are broken beyond repair and left confused as to why things work out for someone else, yet won’t for you.

After you have taken your current “measurements”, now you have to learn to listen to the advice given. We have to listen to others, but we must tailor their lessons to fit who we are. To do that, we must understand how we must tailor these lessons to fit us, and not the other way around. You have to learn to listen, to learn what to absorb, what to adjust, and what to ignore. Their lessons only work for us if we can first understand why the lesson worked for them and we can understand how to make those lessons work of us.

You need to stop trying to fit yourself into the “better man” suit created by someone else. Instead, focus on growing into a better person, one defined by you, as you work with what works for you. Take that “better man” suit and tailor it to who you are. Learn to sift through all the comments, to deconstruct every article, and search for those tidbits that give value to you.

By this time you need to realize how you can’t pick and choose what’s convenient, but rather what’s necessary. When you are honest about whom you are you can be honest about what you need. You stop living a life of convenient comfort, but strive to become better every day. You become your own tailor, as you use the lessons of others to your personalized benefit. Create the idealized “better man” suit that fits you. Now you can stop trying to fit in the ideals of others, but instead work to fit into your ideal you.

The Example Others Need

Be a yardstick of quality. Some people aren't used to an environment where excellence is expected.

Steve Jobs

If you have been reading my posts for a while, you will have noticed how I emphasis the idea that you have to better yourself for yourself. I don’t believe in the idea that you become a better person to impress others, that you can’t be a gentleman if your intention is to be liked or respected, but rather you might be liked or respected because you are a gentleman. With that said, there is one important bonus to carrying yourself as a noble man, and that is your ability to inspire others, specially boys and young men, to strive to be more. You become the example that others need.

We live in a society that offers young men few proper role models. Between boys being raised in families with little interaction with their fathers, a mass media that promotes self-centered narcissism and entitlement, and a social media that reduces young men into the social problem they can become, becoming the exception to the norm is an act of social obligation all good men must strive for. We need to prove to these future men that not all men are the same. We need to prove that they aren’t predestined to become the absentee father figure, the irresponsible man-child, nor the potential criminal.

You might think that not being a father is enough excuse to ignore this aspect of being a Gentleman. You can’t, not if you want to honor what it means to be a true Gentleman. These boys are starved for proper examples, for someone who believes they can be more. You see it as they gravitate towards that Teacher who believes they can excel, to the Sensei who teaches them and confidence, to the Coach who teaches them to push their limitations, to the Mentor who gives them guidance, or simply the random Gentleman who treats them with respect when nobody else will.

Yes, you become better for yourself. But you can only be a better man when you pass on those lessons to others. Isn’t that what being a better man is about? Selflessly living for others, raising others beyond what they could be on their own?

So walk proudly and properly. Carry yourself with dignity while treating everyone with respect. Become a beacon of virtue as you never know who’s looking up to you at that very moment. You might be the example someone needs to become more.