Constructing A Better ‘Be A Man’

Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.

Albert Einstein

Last month I ran into a rather interesting video in my social media fee. The people at Cut Video asked boys and men, from age 5 to 50, a simple question; what does it mean to them when someone says “Be a Man?” It’s a rather interesting video where you get reactions from every aspect of the spectrum of opinions. Go ahead to the bottom of the post and watch it before we continue. Don’t worry, I’ll wait till you finish.

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Interesting, right? We see all kind of reactions and comments, from the men inspired and elated about the idea of being a man to men disgusted by the social constructs of manhood and the expectations placed upon them by gender stereotypes. After initially watching it, I was left wondering why we have such diametrical reactions to the idea of ‘Be a Man.’ Why are some men’s reaction so positive, while others so negative?

The easy way out to answer that question would be to take my own perspective as the right one and place judgement on each men; condemning or applauding their answer based on my own opinion, using their reaction to justify my own experience. This being a social media site, that would be easy and every like-minded reader would just follow suit and say that I’m right and anyone who disagrees is wrong. Everyone’s happy, we just trolled the bad guys, and we go on with our happy diluted lives.

Life doesn’t quite work like that. Notice that this attitude doesn’t really answer the question of difference of opinion, but rather becomes self-serving and egotistical. The real question is, why is manhood a positive thing to some and a negative thing to others? The answer is quite simple. Those who have a positive attitude about manhood are because they have dealt with positive examples of manhood. Those who have a negative stance on manhood have usually been at the receiving end of a toxic manhood.

All too often we are bombarded with the idea that manhood IS toxic or that phrases like ‘Man Up’ only serve to perpetuate social constructs. I can’t agree with either mentality for several reasons. I have spoken already about why we need to Stop Not Saying ‘Man Up.’ As for the second one, you are right, manhood IS a social construct, but so is any idea you have about social interaction! Do you think that your vision of how you should handle gender, social justice, or simply everyday interaction isn’t a social construct you have made for yourself?

We all build an idea of what manhood is, usually thanks to our own personal experiences. We do this with EVERY SINGLE CONCEPT. Just ask 20 people to define love. You will probably get just as many definitions, all based on each person’s individual experiences and relationship history. Out of those experiences, each person build a definition and expectations of what ‘love’ is. The same thing happens with Manhood.

So what does this mean to each of us? That you have a double role within your obligations as a Man. The first is to create an ideal worth aspiring. Look and learn from men worthwhile. Look at what empowers you about being a man and what makes great men, well, great. Then work towards that goal.

The second? be the kind of man who inspires others to have a positive image of what Men are. We have enough bad examples out there and enough people attacking manhood, as everyone has met an asshole at one time or another in their lives. Prove them wrong. Become the example a young man needs when wondering how a man of character should behave. Become the example a young woman needs when wondering if all men are the same.

It’s simple. Be a Man and Man Up. Just make sure it’s to become the right kind of man.

Stop NOT Saying Man-Up

Manhood is the defeat of childhood narcissism.

David Gilmore

I will be the first to admit that I wasn’t the easiest kid to deal with. Then again, I’m not the easiest adult to deal with either. But for all my attitude and possible arrogance, one of my mother’s lessons always stuck with me. “If you want to be treated like a grown man, behave like a grown man.” If I had the big boy pants to try to do something, I had to deal with the big boy consequences of what I did. Simple enough, right?

Some time ago, the internet went on a buzz as we began to demonize the phrase “Man Up.” SJW went on rants as how this phrase was used to instill toxic expectations on men and how the marketing media would use it to manipulate us by telling us what beer “Men” drank, what was “Manly” clothing, or what truck you had to own to be a “Real Man.” Videos and posts were shared as we went on a crusade to get rid of that degrading idea, as we realized just how evil “Man Up” is…

Till we all rejoiced how a young woman within an animated movie proved just how empowering "Man Up" is, or rather how powerful Woman Up is. You see, Man Up or Woman Up is really about Standing Up for yourself, about growing up into your responsibilities, about being accountable for your actions. We see this in the character’s take charge attitude as she is no damsel in distress. She became a role model for girls, as she showed just how strong a strong woman is.

And this theme has been repeated over and over as motivational and empowering ideals for girls and women. “Put on your big girl panties and deal with it.” Girls are taught that it’s ok to cry, just as long as you than pull yourself together and come back stronger. The result of this message? Women who take charge and take no shit.

So then, if it’s such an empowering message to give to girls, one that has enormous results in providing a positive reinforcement in their development, why do we dismiss it and even demonize it when said to men? Because that would mean that men need to GROW THE (Insert appropriate swear word here) UP! It would mean that they need to take responsibility and accountability for their actions. It means that they can’t blame anyone else for their failures or justify not doing anything because “it’s too hard.”

Gentlemen, nobody is telling you it’s unmanly to be knocked down. Nobody is telling you it’s unmanly to ask for help. Nobody is even telling you it’s unmanly to even cry. What we are telling you is that life is hard. That it will knock you down. That you will have to ask for help and you will even cry every once in a while. That’s life. What you can’t do is stay knocked down, or shell in your own shame to avoid asking for help or let your pity party keep you from moving forward. And to do that you have to put on your grown up pants and belt. You need to deal with grown up problems like a grown up. And you need to stop acting like a boy and Man Up!