The De-Glorification of Busy.

Beware the barrenness of a busy life.

Socrates

I was raised on the idea that busy was good, busy means you’re hustling, and busy is the key to success. Feeling busy meant I was making it happen and doing my best. Busy meant I was leading a full life. Only later, when busy almost killed me, did I realize that busy only makes you too busy to realize you missed having a life.

When I think back, I can understand where this mentality came from. As a kid, busy was engrained into me as my mother would ask me to do chores if she didn’t see me busy, so I became rather good at looking busy. As a teen in my first jobs, I learned the importance of looking busy in front of a manager, as he viewed this as a validation of his own leadership, irrelevant is I was actually getting any work done. I college, I learned to be able to hint my professors how busy I was with their class, making him feel validated as a teacher. When I got into the professional environment, I learned to attract my supervisor’s attention as to how busy I always was making them feel validated as a boss. The end result was that when I felt busy, I also felt validated on my efforts.

Lunch at my desk, coffee on the run, conference calls while driving, and running from project to project, working overtime and the weekends, taking work home, and pushing the deadline’s envelope as work was done up to the last minute; this was my ‘every day.’ And this was done at the expense of my family, friends, and myself; where I justified my absence with work.

Is ‘work’ worth losing your friends? Your family? Yourself?

Because that’s the most dangerous one to lose; yourself. You start getting used to feeling overwhelmed with a ramped up schedule and unhealthy level of stress. But instead of realizing the damage you are doing to yourself, you just learn to develop a stronger tolerance level to abuse, where the only abuser you have is your watch and yourself.

The reality is that it wasn’t work that was keeping me busy, but the need to feel busy. I usually set my own deadlines, or could just stop taking on more work and responsibilities than I could handle. I started to work smarter, where I would actually take the time to evaluate what I wanted to achieve, instead of running out to tackle a project. I would prioritize what could be done and what would simply eat up my time without any real results.

And I forced myself to sit down and drink some coffee without any interruptions. And eat lunch, and talk with my friends, and spend time with my family. And my creativity and self-development went into overdrive all by itself. Because that’s how the mind works. If you keep it busy thinking it’s busy, it doesn’t do much else.

Do understand that I am not talking about slacking, spending hours on your mobile or on video games. To your mind, working on a project and playing another level, there’s no difference.

It’s about learning to take time to literally smell the roses. Enjoy looking at the people walking by as you savor your coffee. Take the time to taste your food, to have actual conversations with people, to run around with your kids, or simply to take a walk. Ferris Bueller said it best when he told us that “Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

Upgrading Yourself.

Teach guys they can be better men. Show women there are better men.

Being Caballero

Way to often I find people saying that they are good enough, that they don’t need to change for anyone. This is true, and I will not argue against it. You are good enough, and you should never have to change to please anyone. But the fact that you are good enough shouldn’t mean you should stop improving yourself as a person.

I am not here to tell anyone that they are not good enough, nor am I here to make anyone feel any less of themselves. What I am here is to make guys realize that their most important asset is themselves and that asset can be developed and improved on, no matter who you are. If by doing so I can give hope to the women out there, frustrated by so many disappointments, that there are better men, great!

Because that’s what life is about, aiming to make yourself better, to invest in yourself and improve on your value as a person. Taking better care of your health, dressing sharper, or learning a new skill will only improve on what’s already there. So why should this be viewed as a negative thing?

Taking the time to work out only means you will be in better health and you end up looking better. Developing your cooking skills means you’ll eat better, and is an extremely useful skill to show others you care. Learning a new language can only serve to expand your horizons. Yet so many people complain that they are “happy with who they are” so they will resist aggressively to any improvement on themselves.

It’s not that you are not good enough. It’s that you can always be better. But “Better” requires effort. “Better” requires work. And that is what people complain against. Everyone wants change and a better life, yet not everyone is willing to put in that effort. And that’s ok.

Just don’t complain about those willing to be Better and people who want Better. 

Soul Mate Is A Title Earned

Soul mate is a title earned over time.

Being Caballero

A few weeks ago I was involved in an interesting debate over an article about finding the “One”, the person who you will love for the rest of your life. What brought about the debate was not the article itself but a comment done by one of the reader. He questioned, in a rather spirited and colorful way (lots of swearing and F@U’s where involved), the author’s ability to talk about “the One” when barely past his 20’s. The group got almost automatically divided by those in their 20’s and those past their 30’s. Keep in mind that the comment never questioned the author’s ability to write about love, or about young relationships. The comment did question the author’s life experience in a long term relationship to be able to talk about “the One.”

I have never been one to question the millennials, as every single younger generation has been questioned by their older counterparts. But in this case I had to agree with the comment this time, as I feel that time and life are the truest test of a relationship.

One of the younger writers questioned this, especially when I criticized the use of the term “Soul Mate’ and how easily this word is thrown around. He questioned the idea that age automatically gave wisdom. Sure, age doesn’t necessarily give wisdom, as I have met plenty of unwise older people.  And I also will admit that some young people will have lived more before their 30’s than most people live their entire lives. I would never question the life experiences others have, or turn them into a pissing contest. The most I can do is consider things based on my own life experience.

By my mid-twenties I had been engaged twice, found 4 ‘Soul Mates’, about 6 ‘Happily Ever After’s, and endless ‘This Is The One’s. Now in my 40’s and well over a decade married, I realized that love is not about how much you love the person when you are happy with them, but rather how much you love them when you are ‘not as happy with them.’ (Read as ‘Pissed Off’ at them.) Because anyone who thinks that relationships are a happy world based off unending random waltz’s, happily ever after’s, and  magical sunsets has been pretty much set up to fail thanks to Romantic Comedies.

Relationships are hard work, as it’s all about having the dedication to keep it going and keep it interesting. You will have those magical moments, but you will also have moments when you can’t really stand each other. It’s about finding that special someone you want by your side willing to fight life’s challenges with you. It’s about finding someone worth “Not Quitting” for, even when everyone around you expects you to quit. It’s about finding someone who still fills your heart, even after those same challenges and those same thoughts about quitting fill your mind. And that’s something you don’t know you have till you have walked through the fire. It’s easy to talk about ‘happily ever after’ when you haven’t thought how long ‘ever after’ really is.

And that’s the challenge. Find someone you love enough that makes you want to be your best while at the same time makes you keep in check your worse. Find someone who loves you enough to do the same back. And more importantly, build a strong relationship that, after the worse of either one is shown, both of you want to keep it alive.

To all the young readers, THAT is a Soul Mate; a title earned after surviving challenges, challenges that only come though time. And I wish you the best of luck at finding it because many of those not as young are still searching for theirs. 

Your Best Relationship Should Be With Yourself.

 Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self.

May Sarton

So, you want to be in a relationship, yet can’t seem to find the right person. Or you are in a relationship already and wonder why you can’t find happiness with the person you are with. The answer to both situations is the same; you haven’t made yourself a priority, you aren’t happy with yourself. If you can’t be happy with yourself, you can’t be happy with anyone, and nobody will be happy with you.

Unfortunately we live in a society that emphasizes the need to be with someone, anyone, as a defining feature. This is so critical that being alone is shames and viewed as a sign that something is wrong.

You know what? Way too many people desperately look to be in a relationship, if for nothing else, to have someone to blame about their lives. THAT’S WRONG. You first need to love yourself and be content with yourself. Only then can you properly offer who you are to anyone. Relationships shouldn’t be about completing or worst yet competing. It should be about complementing.

And if you need the other person to complete you, or to support you because you can’t do it alone, you don’t become a partner, you become an anchor. If you can’t bring yourself happiness, how can you expect to make anyone happy? That’s the paradox, to be with anyone, you have to learn to be alone first. You can’t make anyone happy if you can’t make yourself happy first.