When is Quality Time is Not Enough?

I know that I usually start most articles with a quote, something to set the tone. Not today and not for this. This is something I really want you to read and consider. Today I am talking to every man who is in a relationship, who is married, or who has kids, especially if you consider yourself a good man by dedicating your entire existence to them. 

Stop doing that.

Ok, let me clarify this before you think I lost my mind. We, tend to work like beasts of burden, to give everything to those close to us. We wake up before dawn and come home spent. We take jobs far away from those we love, just to provide for them, to make sure they aren’t missing anything. We pride ourselves in our sacrifice, especially when we consider all the deadbeats and all the lazy men out there. And as part of our sacrifice, we always place our loved ones before any of our needs, as we stop taking care of ourselves. It gets to the point where buy life insurance to take care of our family after we are gone, as if burning yourself to death is the ultimate proof of love.

And while we work ourselves, literally to death, guess what they are missing? A boyfriend to your lover, a husband to your spouse, and a father to your child. I know that you will probably pull out either the the “but I have bills to pay” card or the “Quality Time” card on me. I am not talking about quitting your job or risking your family’s financial security or anything like that. What I am saying is that working yourself to death for your family, at the expense of your family makes no sense.

First off, Quality time? Take time and think of your own life. What where the moments that defined you? The instances of quality time, or that random event? It wasn’t that overly planned outing but rather that random encounter or event that lead to something else or that time you spent with someone special. You can’t plan these things. What you can do is be there as much as possible. Kids grow up fast and love fades away faster. Relish it.

Second, do you think that new cellphone for your kids is more important that time spent with them? If they think so, then I can guarantee you need to spend time with them. Do you think your lover prefers a new gold watch over honest affection? If they think so, you really need to reconsider the kind of lover you have. Time is the best gift you can give them. Work should be seen for what it is. A necessary evil that keeps you from your loved ones and a tool to get what you need to enjoy life.

Third, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! No matter how much monetary compensation they receive from the insurance agency, it will not replace you. Take care of your health. You can’t run in the park with your kid or you can’t spend the entire night loving your spouse because you’re not that fit? Is that triple bacon double burger worth it? I am not saying that you should go all health nut on them, but just make sure you are not digging your own grave.

Please Pardon my White Knighting. An open letter to Women

To all women out there,

We are sorry for any instance, be it in my actions or in my writings, that you might have felt we minimized your capabilities or made you feel inferior. That has never and will never be our intention. We can only sympathize with what you must be going through in these last few days. 

We might promote and believe in Gender equality but we know full well that the world you have to deal with has a different set of threats than the world we have to deal with as men.  We remember the constant terror people felt after Columbine, where people would live in constant fear of any guy walking around in a trench coat. We remember the constant paranoia many felt  after 911. And now we can only imagine how you all must feel after the USCB shooting. We know you that not all men are like that, but we also know that suddenly some men’s online threats, those rape jokes, and that creepy gaze take on a new level of horror.  And we know that some men will take advantage of it, feeling empowered by it.

Some men might use chivalry as a way to minimize you, but some do so to stand up to the men who threaten you. It’s not about minimizing you, saving you, being a hero, or even about impressing you. It’s because we understand that you shouldn’t have to deal with this. It’s about stopping the men who give all of us a bad name. It’s about being just, being righteous and simply being human. It's about understanding how no person should live in fear.

We are the stranger who stepped in when some guy tried to take advantage of you.

We are the friend who walked you home, or asks you to text to know you got home safe.

We are the boyfriend who stresses when you have a Girls night, knowing everything that might happen.

We are the dad who judges every boys you go out with, and will try to hold his tongue about the quality of guys you  pick.

We know sometimes in our misguided intentions we might step past our boundaries, and you have every right to call us out on it. This actually opens up a real conversation about what you as women have to deal with. But we are also aware just how bad things are, but some of us might not know how to express it.

But know that you don’t fight alone. Some of us will stand up. some of us will call out the less noble men. And some of us are more than willing to stand right there besides you in your battles. We know that you have done the same, stood by our side in our own battles. And for that we are ever grateful.

Men

"Opening doors for my Daughter." Guest Contribution

Every time I post an article on GMP about taking accountability for yourself and for those around you, I do so knowing full well how a large group of guys will start complaining why they should even care. And even though I know full well it will happen, it still saddens to know that so many men are only thinking about what affects them in their own limited reality.

But then things like this pop up, and restore my hope of humanity, specifically of men within humanity. As I did my usual FB run during my afternoon commute, I ran into this Status Update from David Karpel, a fellowGMP Author and Blogger. Keep in mind Mr. Karpel is not one of those hardcore “Chivalry/Gentlemen” activist, like me and a few others. He is one of those men who exemplify the Warrior-Poet.

"This June will be 20 years that Marni and I are married on the solar calendar (Gimmel Tammuz, 1994). Before that we dated for almost four years. In all the years we've been together, she can probably count on one hand how many times she's opened a door for herself when she's with me. I was not raised to do this. It's just something, a small act, that I've always believed she deserves. I don't feel I'm patronizing or belittling or being anti-feminist, nor do I find the act to be super macho. And I'm not writing this to pat myself on the back. 

It's this: with my wife, I'm raising a daughter.

She's an awesome kid who is fierce, intelligent, beautiful, and growing up fast. Yesterday, I couldn't go to the gym to train. With the extra time, I invited Chana to go to Walmart with me to do some shopping. She responded enthusiastically, so we were set to go. I get to the car to start opening my own door and catch a glimpse of her waiting at the passenger side door. 

Whispering in my conscious was a voice: You are her example of a man, what a man should be, how a man should treat the women in his life. Out of my mouth came, almost to myself, that beginning of something that doesn't need to end, "You know what..." 

Yeah, I know what. And so I walked around the car to open the door for my daughter. Any future choson (groom) should treat her like the kallah (bride) she will be: a queen in his life. And as her father, it is my responsibility to train her to find the kind of man that will treat her as she deserves to be treated."

If you find this FB status impressive, you should look over his articles on GMP and his Blog, Jew Jitsu, Life in search of the Soul Roll.