Look Past the Moon. The Dangers of Having Goals.

I have been in the revenge business so long; now that it’s over I do not know what to do with the rest of my life.

Inigo Montoya

So many stories are told of the single mindedness of Vengeance; movies where the action hero how must avenge something, anything, and that becomes his all-consuming goal. And the movie conveniently ends in the same right when he achieves his goal, as he kills the main bad guy, topples the evil corporation, frees the slaves, and “wins the damsel.” (Not going to comment on the “wins the damsel.” There is enough material in that aspect to make an independent post on the subject.) Cut to him riding into the sunset, queue credits.

This is the guys version of “happily ever after.” And just like “happily ever after,” it’s a load of cr…., an absolute LIE!

These stories focus on a specific time-frame, where what happens before or after have little if no consequence to the story. The reality is there IS an ever after, the repercussions of the grand victory, a constant continuation of the story. And when your focus your life on achieving a rather specific goal, no matter what it is, you risk three very real dangers.

The first danger of having an all-consuming goal is nothing you do will be viewed as valuable. Unless the final goal is reached, everything else is irrelevant, no matter how much good, or how well you do. Nothing will satisfy you. You will never be able to view how much you have traveled, as you focus on how much further you must go. And if you never get to achieve it, you will view your life as wasted.

The second danger is actually being able to achieve your goal. There is a dreaded sense of emptiness that comes from not having a target goal after you have spent part of your life with an all-consuming goal. What then? Look for the next challenge?

The third danger is usually the one least considered, and actually the most dangerous of all. When all your focus is placed on a pinpoint aspect, you will miss everything else around you. And that is where the value of life is really located, in the surprise, in finding the amazing in the random.

So, should you just float aimlessly though life? No. Have a north to guide you, and learn to navigate within this north. Set a goal, but not as a target. Bruce Lee said that “a goal is not always meant to be reached; it often serves simply as something to aim at.” Set a goal as a general direction, and learn to read the winds. Let life guide you within that direction. You will reach the stars if you don’t limit yourself to the moon. 

How I Started Walking the Endless Path.

Everything changes as you get older; you mind, your body, and the way you view the world

Antonio Banderas

One afternoon about a few year ago, as we would do every so often did and still do, I sat down with some of my old friends for coffee, reminiscing about the old days, retelling old stories about our old ways. We all come from different walks of life but we all had one characteristic that tied us all since college; we were all forward thinkers who loved the classic traditions.

We always found amusing how far we got in those days, armed with little more than a cocky confidence, a smile, and the ability to act more professional than we actually were back then. Today we are older, wiser, and actually became respectable professionals in our respective fields, but we never forgot it was thanks to all the lessons we learned back then.

“If only I could leave an instruction manual, a sort of guide, to my kids and grand-kids in case I’m gone so they don’t have to learn the way we did, hard way, by making more than our share of mistakes.” This conversation was just a few weeks after my mother had passed unexpectedly. A few months before her passing, my doctor had warned me to start taking care of myself or I wouldn't reach 40. Like so many, I never took him seriously, till my own mother's sudden passing made my doctors a lot more serious. In just a few days, all that philosophical verbiage I used to spout out from my martial training, how you have to “Live today as if you could die tomorrow”, became a reality alarmingly fast. We looked at each other and raised our cups in agreement and understanding. That was the informal start of what I called the Caballero Club.

With an idea in my head, I began my first draft about a year ago for what I called back then the Caballero Chronicle. Originally, the project was going to be a guide for Latino empowerment, following the old Gentleman Traditions from Spain. Yet, the further I dealt in the topic, the more I realized that the lessons of empowerment I wanted to tell others, were not limited to a single ethnicity or race, or even culture. They were about understanding who you are as a man in a modern word. It started to take shape in the form of a thesis of self-empowerment based on the Universal Truths of Respect, to others and to self.

So armed with a proposal and about 45K worth of words, I headed to test the waters as an amateur writer. And that’s when I found out? If you are an unpublished author, complete unknown, trying to push a book, the waters were really cold and unkind. Yet instead of getting frustrated by the rejections, I got frustrated with myself.

I realized I failed my own lessons, specially the idea that you don’t travel to reach a goal, but to experience the trip. I was so focused in having a manuscript ready to try to sell to a publisher, that I lost track of why I was doing. And so I put the draft away. 

That was the formal start of Being Caballero.

I would simply enjoy the ride. Write, read, see people’s reactions. Treat it the same way you would when having a conversation with a friend. Sometimes you teach them something, other times they teach you something. Yet this conversation would be with the world. Am I the same man I was when I began? No. I am not even the same man I was when I began writing this article. That’s the beauty of life, you constantly grow and learn.

Every once in a while I still get together with my friends and have some coffee and catch up, just now it’s usually on Skype since we each live in different time zones. We still discussing just how being a gentleman, how being honorable, how being educated, and how being cultured, all helped us forge our lives. We discussed how that attitude got us through hard times and helped us enjoy even more the good times. Many of those chats have actually evolved into some of the stories and lessons you have read here. The book deal? That will happen if it has to happen. I hand that over, like so many things in my life, to fate. Right now I am a little too busy just enjoying a conversation with the world.

Accidental Gallantry

People often remark that I'm pretty lucky. Luck is only important in so far as getting the chance to sell yourself at the right moment. After that, you've got to have talent and know how to use it.

Frank Sinatra

Many times, we will see people exposing themselves unnecessarily to risks, usually due to their own stupidity. They will drive unsafe cars or walk down dangerous neighborhoods knowingly, or simply place themselves in harm’s way because they don’t consider the consequences. Worse yet, is how these people will later complain about how unlucky they were when they get hurt.

In many of these cases, where lady luck decided to spit into someone’s face, it is a direct result of the person being in the wrong place at the wrong time doing the wrong thing. Maybe they did the same thing a thousand times before and nothing bad happened. But you just need it to go wrong once to cause a disaster to blame luck. But what if it’s not completely up to luck?

We hear about how someone so lucky, opportunity doesn’t seem to knock on their door, but actually has a key and an open invitation. What is the difference between good luck and bad luck? I can almost hear you chanting in unison “Hard Work.”

Not really.

There are plenty of hard working people who life just doesn’t cut them a break. There are also a lot of lazy people who just have everything go right. So the answer is not necessarily “Hard Work.” Is it really a random draw? Are we really victims of chance, of a dice cast?

Not entirely. We keep hearing about being in the wrong place at the wrong time? What if we focused on being in the Right Place at the Right Time? Wouldn’t that load the dice in our favor? Work has a lot to do with success, but so does opportunity. It’s not about working hard, but working smart. You have to expose yourself to having those opportunities.

Consider your environment and the places you frequent. Consider the company you keep. What kind of opportunities do these things provide? Go out to the world and risk it.  Surround yourself with the opportunities you want to attract and how you want to be viewed.

Too often I hear of people locking themselves up in their own little world, be it in video games or netflicking, or even curled up with a book. Do you think that opportunity will go find you if you are locked up in your house? It’s not like you have to stay near the phone or wait by the computer for an email.

You want to read? Take the book to a coffee shop or a park. You want to catch up on a series? Turn it into a viewing party and invite as many friends as you can. You want to play video games…. Unless it’s a social game, I can’t help you there. The point is, go out! Nobody is discovered if they lock themselves out from the world. Explore, expose yourself to luck.

“Fortune favors the Bold!”

I am what I choose to become, and not what happens to me.

Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.

Marcus Aurelius

When people think of a Gentleman, they automatically assume it's a well off man. It’s easy to be a courteous and gracious when you don’t have to worry about money, right? Nothing is further from the truth. We now live in times when a man wears a suit to demonstrate his ambitious and his cut throat business nature. I have met my share of suited wolves as well as I have met my share of true Dons from humble homes.

We get to meet mentors in the most unlikely places. During my employment in a rather professional office, I met one of the most elegant and educated Gentleman I have had the pleasure of their company. It was neither of the firm’s partners who came in every day in their tailored suits and their luxury sports cars. These men got rich by crossing anyone in their paths, something they held perverted pride in for some reason and something I would later on experience firsthand. The Caballero I mention was the chief of the maintenance team.

An elder gentleman, elder to my standards back then, he would always exude calm, even when the rest of the office was in turmoil. Every day he would walk in, greeting everyone with a smile, commenting how wonderful it was to be alive. As I got to know him better, I learned of his interest in astrology, wine, art, and music. He played the trumpet in a Big Band once a month, could tell you off hand when it would be a great night for stargazing, and the history behind most Tempranillo grape wines. Every day he would get to the office at the same time every day in his beautifully restored 1968 Volkswagen Beetle, have for lunch a selection which he had made the day before, his coffee break was at exactly at 9 am and again at 2 pm. You should set a watch to his schedule.

Later on I learned, not from him but from other team members, that the man was a decorated War Hero, a cancer survivor, his only son was killed by gang violence, and his wife, his love since they were teens, had died a few years earlier. He had every excuse to be a grouchy spiteful old man, pissed at the hand life dealt him. He had faced death lurking within his life more than once. Ironically it was this hard life that gave him his zest for living. The one time I mentioned to him that I wanted to be like him when I grew up, he just smiled. “I just hope you don’t have to walk my road to get there.” Now that I am older, and have lived my share of tragedies, do I understand what .

A true Gentleman is not the one who can wear a suit, or has the luxury car, or even the big bank account. Having it doesn't take away from being one either. Money is inconsequential here. A true Gentleman is a man who has fallen down or has been beat down and has every reason and excuse to be bitter. Yet, and in spite of it all, is able to proudly stand back up. So next time life beats you down, stand up, dust yourself off, smile and just says “you hit like a bitch”.

6 Gifts a Gentleman Deserves to Give Himself

When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive—to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.

Marcus Aurelius

Gentlemen, every day is a day of celebration simply because you survived another day in this world. The fact that you are still married or have avoided getting married, that you have a child or that “you are not the father,” that you are well off or have been able to survive your current economic limitations, or simply the fact that you are alive is reason enough to celebrate. For that last reason alone you deserve a gift or, actually, six gifts to be more precise. You have spent the last few weeks in a never-ending anxiety attack, searching for the perfect present for everyone else, so don’t you think is time to give yourself some well-deserved rewards for trying to become a better man? Here is a list of 6 things you can give to yourself, for what you’ve endured and maybe even to help you get in the right mindset for what’s to come:

1.     The Tailored Suit

If the Samurai had their armor, the Spartans had their Shield, the Knights had their Full-Plate, and Ironman had his Mark XLII, Modern Men have a proper Suit and Tie. Nothing tells others that you mean business like a good tailored suit. I know that some of you might think that suits and dressing well is all about being superficial and you are all about inner beauty or some other excuse you might come up with to hide your insecurities. Dressing well is not about vanity but about taking care of yourself. It’s about self-respect and about being honest when you present yourself to the world. The biggest message you are constantly, maybe unconsciously, sending to everyone around you is that how you treat yourself is how you will treat others.

A man should always have a proper, well-fitted suit available in their closet. We will have several events in every year that will require wearing a suit, such as meeting your fiancé’s father or you being the fiancé’s father, going to that interview for your dream job or heading out to a special dinner to celebrate you got said job, or simply heading to a court hearing for whatever happened after the previous celebration. Nothing in this world can stop a proper Gentleman in a nice suit, with the only exception being a lovely Lady in her “little black dress.”

  

2.     Manicure

A manicure? Really? Yes! It has the word MAN in it so it must for Men.

All joking aside, take the time to pamper yourself. Just think of how you show off your hands every day. You shake people’s hands, a true Caballero’s presentation card, whenever you greet them. You direct people’s attention with hand gestures, show them off every time you use your phone in public, or attract everyone’s attention to them every time you sign a document. These are just a few everyday moments when your hands draw more attention than your charming personality. Your hands show off your manly strength or your gentlemanly tenderness. In the olden days you would carry your family crest on your hand and today it is where you carry your symbol of eternal fidelity and love. So going around with bitten nails and calloused hands really takes away from who you are. This is all about self-respect, so take the time to make them presentable, the same way you should with all other aspects of yourself.

3.     Project Car

Sometimes life can be overwhelming. The easiest way to deal with that feeling is to view Life as nothing more than a long list of smaller challenges instead of a massive project. What better practice for that mentality than a project based on the same premise.

Get an old broken down car. Don’t look at the car thinking about the total amount of work that it needs, but rather handle it one piece at a time. Teach yourself to look at how much you have achieved instead of how much work you still have to do. Take the time to enjoy every moment you can get to work on it. If you are not mechanically inclined, pick something else. Just remember that you don’t have a deadline, so pick something you can take your sweet personal time and space to finish.

Note: I do not recommend a home expansion project for this or basically anything you can’t cart off your property, in case you get tired or lose interest in it. Your wife and friends may remind you every day that the project is not finished. Also, it might end up being an incomplete permanent addition and could actually lower your home’s value.

4.     Journal

Life is a constant journey, and sometimes you need a quick reminder of just how far you have traveled. Sure, there is digital media available: blogs, notes, or whatever other electronic-based ways to keep track of what you have done. Unfortunately, these have the bad habit of disappearing from your files when you most need them or appearing in someone else’s computer when you least need them too.

Get a physical journal and every day write something in it, no matter how random. That interesting quote you found online, that weird dream, or that thought you could not get out of your head will be a perfect entry. Weeks or even months later you will realize that those entries were not as random as you thought.

5.     Unplug for 24 hours

In a world with instant access to the universe, the down side is that the universe has instant access to you. We have become slaves to texting, social media, emails, and calendar. We will take out our phones during a concert or when we take our kids to the park, or whatever other event in our lives; just to share it with everyone online, most of whom don’t really care. This comes at the expense of truly living in the moment. Apparently we need to see the world through a smart phone screen to be able to properly enjoy it.

Take one day to simply unplug. Set up your autoreply, turn off your phone, and leave your laptop or tablet at home. For the next 24 hours forget that you need to reply to every text you get, comment on every status update, or even read every email. Head out to the great outdoors and breathe nature, or take your kids to the park and actually play with them, or go for a walk, or simply sit down at a coffee shop and look at the people strolling by. For the rest of the day, learn to listen to yourself and the world around you. You will be amazed at what you will notice and you will realize that the world did not end because you did not update your status.

6.     Make a Random Act of Kindness

Remember how this all started? You are thankful that you survived another year. Some people are not as lucky. Give yourself permission to help someone out, and become your own reason why your faith in humanity should be restored. This can be something as simple as paying a stranger’s tab at a restaurant, or helping out at a soup kitchen or leaving a gift card on a random car’s windshield in a parking lot. Do something, anything! Just make sure it is an anonymous gesture. This is not about looking for your own glory or vanity, but rather knowing that you have the power to give hope to other people. Who knows, in this ultra-connected world, what you thought was a simple act might just go viral, inspiring others to do good as well.

So, there you go. These are the six gifts you can give to yourself this season. A suit and proper hands so your exterior image will reflect your interior mind-set, a physical project and a journal to record your journey as a man, and the time to listen to the world so you can best give voice to it. They all seem simple enough, right? Remember to always be a Gentleman-Warrior, a Caballero. Learn to let go of what is not really important and enjoy the ride.

(Re-post of an article done for Good Men Project)