Forget about being Noble. Just be Human.

I don't have to show anything to anyone. There is nothing to prove.

Cristiano Ronaldo

A couple days ago I sat through a rather interesting workshop (Summit for WorkingFamilies) as a representative of NCMB/NCWG. During the discussions, one aspect that came up was employers who gave time off to their workers to handle family issues. When one person complemented the employer for their noble act, the employer just said the following:

I’m not being Noble. I’m being Human. And that’s the least you can do.

He continued explaining what he was doing was easy, giving his employees the breathing room to carry on the fight. It was them who were the real Noble people, those dealing with the struggle, and yet carries on every day. That’s when it hit me, we have become so desensitized, so isolated into our own selfishness that when someone actually acts human, we view it as an exceptional act of nobility. 

And I was reminded of a story I heard a several months ago. This family struggling with their child’s cancer asked Cristiano Ronaldo, the soccer player, if he could send them a shirt so they could auction it off to pay for the kid’s treatment. He did more than that, and covered all the expenses for them. Yet, he said nothing to the media. They found out because of the family he helped.

If you have seen him during the World Cup, you will notice he has a “Z” marked into his haircut. Bad haircut jokes started to flood the social media. It wasn’t till later that they found out why. 

You see, it’s not about being noble, or about wanting attention, or about doing the right thing to brag about it. It’s about being human, and helping those going through the real tough time. We all know someone who had been dealt a bad hand. The least you can do is offer them a hand, ESPECIALLY if nobody offered you a hand when you were down.

Through Men's Eyes, Panel discussion on sexism at The Stream.

Last week I was invited to participate in an all male panel over at The Stream.

Unfortunately those within the mainland US weren't able to view it live do to FCC restrictions of the program. But, re-posting it is OK.

Hosted by Femi Oke and Malika Bilal. The Panel was composed by:

Eduardo Garcia @BeingCaballero
Writer and Collaborator
beingcaballero.blogspot.com
Good Men Project

Ravi Chandra @going2peace
Blogger, Psychology Today
psychologytoday.com

Jackson Katz @jacksontkatz
Anti-sexism activist
jacksonkatz.com

James Desborough @GRIMACHU
Writer/Game Designer
postmortemstudios.wordpress.com

The Gentlemen involved were an excellent exposition of every aspect of Masculinity that have to deal with Sexism today. The intent was not how we could deal with women's issues of Sexism, but rather a Man's responsibility and accountability towards this same sexism.

I have to thank all the members of the panel for showing that we, as men, are capable to empathize with what women are going through and that feminism is a responsibility placed equally on the shoulders of men and women.

I must also thank the Hosts for giving us a wonderful platform to carry our work and efforts to a larger audience. So here it is. Let me know what you think.

Through Men's Eyes

In the aftermath of Elliot Rodger's misogyny-fueled killing spree, #YesAllWomen emerged as ladies began airing everyday anecdotes of mistreatment, violence and harassment. Online, some men seemed shocked by the revelations, while others responded defensively with a #NotAllMen. So, can men ever fully understand the daily fears and sexism experienced by women? And what role do men play in feminism and the discussion itself? The Stream spoke with an all-male panel to find out.

Hero or Villain, Noble Man or Petty Man. The choice is yours.

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.

Abraham Lincoln

As one who grew up in the generation of paperback comics teaching us what a noble man was, we could have these flights of fancy debating what it would really mean to be a Superhero or Supervillain. Our discussion over who is right, Magneto or Professor X, would reach epic proportions not seen within the chambers of the United Nations. And yet, I understand how these moral debates shaped my values more than actual school. 

Which brings us to our first question; if you had would you be the hero you tell yourself you are, sacrificing yourself for others? Or would you be the villain, only looking for your own interests? This dichotomy was best coined by Voltaire with the phrase “With great power, comes great responsibility”. Yes, it was Voltaire and not Uncle Ben or Stan Lee. Sorry to ruin your childhood.

Even before him, Plato debated this moral question with the story of the Ring of Gyges. The basic story is there’s this Ring that makes a person invisible (sound familiar), letting a person do what he wishes without fear of being caught of punished. Hence if all sanctions are removed, would one’s moral character evaporate? 

One side argues that morality is only a social construct, an illusion you create about your virtues. The other side argues that the ideals of justice are not a social construct. He concludes that the man who abused the power of the Ring of Gyges has in fact enslaved himself to his appetites. He continues explaining how the man who chose not to use it remains rationally in control of himself. 

Confucius, on the other side of the planet, brought up a similar argument between the Gentle Man (Junzi) and the Petty Man (Xiaoren). He summed up the argument with a simple concept. “A Gentle Man only understands righteousness. A Petty Man only understands personal profit.”

And with that we come to our second question; when will you realize you make this choice every day already? In Comic books, in TV, in movies, or even in books; the level of power of a hero or a villain only determines the level of the threat he will confront.  And even then, these challenges are even greater than their level. But the reality is this; power only defines what they can do. It is their moral character which determines what actions they choose. 

Look at yourself in the mirror. Who would you be with power? If they couldn’t find out it was you, if you could get away with it, would you take advantage of someone? If they never found out it was you, and nobody would applaud your actions, and no reward was offered, would you still do good? Would you be a Villain? Would you still be a Hero? Would you place your own interests first or would you sacrifice yourself for others?

A Hero is not the guy flying around with a cape, or beating up bad guys. A hero is the guy whose greatest battles nobody will find out, the guy who has no interest in the spotlight. A Villain is the guy who just looks out for himself. For him, Evil actions are just a means to gain something for his benefit.

The reality is we are heroes or villains already. We don’t need special powers or gadgets or masks to make these choices. We can’t even avoid making these choices every day. Every day you choose to be  noble or choose to be petty. So, seeing how you act and how you behave, I ask you again.

Are you a Hero or a Villain?

In search of the Viral Gentleman.

Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth.

Muhammad Ali

Most people get into the social media with Viral Dreams, hoping they post that one video or one picture that will make them into an overnight sensation. Every time they upload, they pray that upload turns into an invitation to Ellen or a spot in Good Morning America. Me, I had simpler aspirations, to pay it back.

Most of us searching to become Better Men have been down at one time or another. I can bet most have felt like they hit bottom, and it’s during that process of building themselves up when they realize they can build themselves into something better. Yet during this time, our greatest need is simply for hope and guidance. As foolishly as it might sound, I found that guidance in those simple quotes and motivationals online. 

A quote doesn’t tell you anything by itself. It’s just a simple short phrase. But what it does is make you think. You need to interpret it, analyze it, and see how it applies to your own life. A quote doesn’t tell you what to think, it simply points you in the right direction. You learn the lesson on your own. For those reinventing themselves, it gives you enough of a foothold so you don’t slip into old ways, it gives you enough insight into the man you can become to give you hope. So in most of my write-ups, I will include an opening quote that relates to the article, just to set up the tone.

A few months ago, while preparing an article, I found an image that caught my attention. It said “NoMore: Boys will be Boys.” I understood the message. We have too many people excusing inexcusable behavior from men with the phrase “Boys will be Boys”. We have too many men unwilling to grow up into Better men. But something in the back of my mind wouldn’t let go of it. 

That something is my own son. I want him to be a Boy, to enjoy his childhood. Too many of us had to grow up too soon, others never had anyone willing to teach them how to grow up, and so they stumbled. I kept thinking about it. “Let my boy be a boy, but let me teach him how to be a man.”

So I headed out to the un-fringed interweb to find an appropriate image. I knew what I wanted, an image of a Father helping his Boy become a Man; by guidance, by action and by example. And among pictures of kids propped up like manequines next to men with whom they had little in common, beautiful pictures of true gentlemen holding up their baby sons too young to convey the message, and dad/sport coaches; I found it. This inspiring image of a man helping his son put on a tie.

It was perfect for the message. His protective position over his son, as if letting us know how he is willing to shield the boy from the world while showing him how to shape up into a man, his son, beaming with pride as he gets a glimpse of what being a Man is. 

I looked online to find the original poster, hoping and praying it was not some kind of advertising commercial for kids clothing and it was all fake. The image was all over, thanks to Pinterest, and in several Fatherhood blogs, but search as much as I could, I just couldn’t find the Man in the Picture. Seeing how widely used it was, I set off to make my version. The quote worked itself out nicely. 

“Boys will be boys, till someone teaches them to be more.”

So I posted it on my Facebook Page, Twitter, and Pinterest. That was 2 weeks ago, and I had basically forgotten about it. Then it happened. I received a message from the National Council forMen and Boys. They loved the image. 

“Thanking @BeingCaballero for capturing our mission.”

I thought they had found it thanks to my Tweeter. One thing led to another, and I was asked if I was interested in helping out. I was ecstatic. And then the question popped up, could they use the image?  

As much as I wanted to say yes, I told them without the man’s authorization, I just couldn’t agree.

So I headed out in a desperate search for the mystery father, with little hopes of finding him. And again I started hitting dead ends, just like last time. Till later on that night I get an update from another page. THEY POSTED THE IMAGE. It wasn’t a share from my page, but a copy and re-post. Fortunately they didn’t remove the Being Caballero. And it had 17,000 likes and over 3,000 shares!!! And more importantly it had one very important comment.

“I am seeing this picture of my husband and stepson everywhere. Corey Soloman, Look you are posted on the (*page that re-posted image without share).”

FINALLY, a lead! When I looked at the man’s profile, I saw just how popular the image had become. In total, the picture has gotten over 135,500 Likes and 60,000 Shares. And that is just from the more popular sites on Facebook. His reaction and comments where those of a true gentleman.

“But hey, at least Mini Me is getting some shine, lol.”

What was truly amazing was the reaction of people to the image and the message.

“Powerful and very true” 

“Kids turn their dads into men”

“that's what real men do teach boy's to be men”

“nothing like having a Real man teach a Young man how to be a Responsible and Respectful Man.” 

“I have always said that children should be the "upgraded" version of their parents. When my son left home on his wedding day, the last thing I said to him is, "You were a better student in school than I was and you have turned out to be a better man. The only thing left for me to say is to be a better husband.”

That’s when it hit me. I did what I set myself out to do. Create the conversation, make people think, have them look at themselves and shine for others to see. And with a name and a profile, I headed out to contact the Viral Gentleman. I explained everything to him. His reaction?

“Thank you for contacting me back. I had posted a comment under the pic on the (site that reposted*) Page, but no one ever replied to me. No I do not mind at all with my picture being used. It is truly an honor and a humbling feeling to see this pic spread virally and touch so many people.”

"I do want to go on record by saying although our photographer staged this pic of my son and I at my wedding , I do everything in my power to raise him to be a positive, respectful and productive male in today's society. I truly appreciate all the positive feedback from everyone. It's humbling and is confirmation that I'm doing my job as a dad and a father."

If I had created a story in my mind for the man behind the picture, the man that stepped up was just as impressive. And for that I truly thank you.

(PS. I would like to give also a shout out to the artist behind the camera, Anyabwile Love. Without his talent and his eye for composition, this picture would never have been achieved.)