Boys will be boys, till someone
teaches them to be more.
Being
Caballero
Some time ago I wrote an article on How Moms Can Raise Gentlemen. Yet for some strange reason I never got around
to making one about how men can raise gentlemen. I know I have mentioned about the
importance of being a role model for men around you, how your actions should be
your words, and so forth, but I never quite addressed your obligation as a
father to set the example for your son.
This is especially critical in a
society where men are viewed as bumbling dads, reduced to “Mom’s Assistant”,
the distant dad, or at worse, the absentee (deadbeat) dad. Fortunately there
has been a shift of perception on how dads are portrayed in the media, but we
have a long road to travel still. Because the reality of it all is simple, you
are the most important example of what a man is to your son. And this is not a responsibility
that should be taken lightly!
As I did with the Mom’s article, let’s
do a thought experiment. Think of the kind of man you are, how you treat your
family, how you treated women in your life, and how you balance work and
pleasure. Think of who you are as a man and who you have been, the good and the
bad. Now think you have a daughter. How would you react to her dating a guy
just like that?
Not smiling now, right? We got some
work to do. The funny thing is how teaching your son to be a Gentleman is the
easiest way for you to become a Gentleman, as he will become your anchor and
mirror. I am not saying that good daddying will guarantee a good man. It’s up
to them to actually become one. But it sure will improve his chances. Also
remember that after you are done raising your boy, the rest of the world has to
deal with them.
Most of the comments below will be
generalizations to one degree or another. Some are about learned behavior and
some are about social chains that can actually be broken. Good kids can come
from bad parents and bad kids can come from good parents. With all that cleared
up, let’s look at five things you can do increase your chances of raising a
proper gentlemen.
1. Teach them to respect themselves by respecting
yourself. You are the first example your son will have of what a Gentleman is.
In simple terms, if you’re carrying yourself as a Gentleman, they’ll recognize what
it means to be one.
Do you
take care of yourself in a manner that makes you respect yourself or are you
ashamed of what you see in the mirror? If you want your boys to respect
themselves and carry themselves with pride, you have to show them what a proud
man is. This includes them learning to respect themselves enough to take care
of themselves.
Maybe
it’s time to start giving yourself some love. Between work, life, and kids, men
forget about themselves. I know that you have enough on your plate, but you going
to help anyone if you burn yourself out. You have to treat yourself right, take
care of yourself, and try to create some order and stability in your life.
Self-respect and self-love are contagious, but so is self-loathing.
Remember
that these ideas apply to all other personal behavior. Are you modeling healthy
relationship dynamics for them, or are they seeing choices you’re not proud of?
Do you lie and cheat to get ahead? Do you expect respect simply by being
authoritarian? Did you have your third beer before noon? They will take all
your actions, the good and the bad, as what is acceptable behavior for a man. Are
you the kind of son you would be proud of having?
2. Teach them how to treat other men by how you
let them treat you. Do your boys raise their voice to you or swear in front of
you? Have you laughed any of this off with “boys will be boys”? If you said yes
to any of these questions, you’re not contributing to making a world with more
gentlemen in it. Everything you let them get away with is what they will expect
other men to put up with. Teach them about respect to others and about limits
to themselves. Teach them how their actions to others carry consequences.
Remember,
it is your home, and they have to abide by your rules. As much as you love your
kids, you know that one day they’ll move out to create their own space, sooner
or later. And that home will be modeled, for good or ill, on what they’ve
learned from you.
Make
them realize that being part of a household means contributing to it. Teach
them about the chores of having a home, and their obligations of being part of
a family. Teach them how to care for those around them, to be part of a team. Teach
them that they can’t expect respect from their brothers if they don’t respect
them first.
3. Teach them how woman should be treated by how
you treat the women in your life. Take a minute and look at how you treat your
current partner and your past partners. The same way I mentioned you might
forget about paying attention to yourself because of life, you might end up
doing the same to your partner. You might not have noticed just how you treat
them, or might have noticed and don’t really care.
Try to dismiss your immediate reasons as to why
you act the way you do and think about it this way: if some guy treated your daughter
the same way, would you think badly of him? Whatever way you treat your
partner, be it well or badly, your sons will view this as how a man will treat women
during a relationship. Take care of setting a good example.
4. Teach them how a man should be treated by how
you let your partner treat you. Your current partner or the kind of women you
date will influence your boy’s behavior. If you are with a woman that abuses
you or simply makes your life hell, your son will see this as normal, and may end
up in a similar relationship.
If you stay in that relationship, your sons
will learn that abuse is acceptable behavior and might even think that this is
how women show men love or that this is kind of abuse is simply part of being a
man. Establish limits and respect from your partner. If you take the time to
treat them like a Lady, insist they treating you like a Gentleman. Whatever way
your partner treats you, be it well or badly, your sons will view this as what to
expect from women. Is your current partner the kind of person you want for your
son?
5. Teach them to be Self-Reliant. Never stay with a woman because you can’t be on your own. Teach your sons to be
self-reliant; teach them that no man needs to be in a relationship to be a Gentleman.
Teach them that a partner is just that, a partner. Boys have to learn that if
they treat a woman badly, that woman should just leave, and if a woman treats
them badly, they should do the same. People who see their partners as dependent
on them tend to stop appreciating their relationship because they are convinced
they can’t lose them. Understanding that a Gentleman is self-reliant, will
teach your sons to give themselves self-worth. And that is the greatest gift
any man can give his son.
