Dating Lessons From Casanova

I know that I have lived because I have felt, and, feeling giving me the knowledge of my existence, I know likewise that I shall exist no more when I shall have ceased to feel.

Giacomo Casanova

You might have noticed that for a Gentleman’s site, I post very little about dating or relationship advice. There are two simple reasons for this. First, Caballero’s main focus is self-betterment as a man. The second, I want to steer as clear away as possible from PUA (Pick Up Artists) strategies and philosophies. That second one does more damage than good to men, something I have mentioned before.

But from the perspective of the first one, I do understand that dating and relationships are an integral part of a man’s self-betterment, so dealing with those topics IS important. For that reason, I will fall back on the dating lessons taught by one of the Big Three Romanceers, Giacomo Casanova. (The other two are Oscar Wilde and Miguel de Cervantes)

But isn’t Casanova just a glorified Pick Up Artists, a depraved hedonist who took advantage of women? Blasphemer! That’s precisely what he wasn’t, as I explained in Casanova’s Condemnation of the Pick Up Artist. Then, if he wasn’t a pick up artist, how did he attain a mythical reputation for being one?

It was neither his sense of humor nor his good looks, which I can guarantee. He was a rather average looking man, and the idea that a good sense of humor will win over any woman is pretty much a lie. Last I checked, women weren’t chasing after clowns and stand-up comics. What he had in his favor was an abashed love for living fully and creating unforgettable experiences in a world trying to repress a person’s soul. How did he do this?

Privacy Is Key

Why were so many women willing to commit indiscretions with a man such a Casanova? Because they knew he would be discreet about it. He had no need to share any of his adventures with anyone, allowing them to feel that their reputation was safe, even as they shared time with him?

Why is this so important to mention as the first topic? Because we live in a world intent in showing off and publicizing every single meal and every gym work out; a world were discretion has become a rare quality indeed. We need to understand the importance of discretion once again.

Let Them Admire You Admiring Them

Dating exists within a world of self-conscious behavior were we constantly walk that grey line between appropriate and inappropriate actions. This has been getting worse every day as men are told that appreciating attractiveness is little more than objectification and expressing desire is admitting having sexual predatory instincts.

During that entire debate, one very crucial aspect is lost; our ability to let the other person know how desirable we find them. Without desire there’s no passion, so letting the other person know how we find them desirable, also lets them know how passionate we can be. And nothing is more alluring as someone blushing from that realization.

Ask Them About Themselves And Listen

I think I have expressed myself enough on the importance of listening to what the other person has to say, here, here, and here. Any more would be beating a dead horse.

Remove Judgement To Encourage Decadence

One of the most important aspects within this kind of rendezvous is how the person must feel at ease enough to be unabashed of their behavior. The only way to do this is by letting themselves act out without fear of being judged. How can they be free with you if you are constantly judging their every action? Create a space of free expression where they can break away of the self-conscious chains that they use every day within their regular lives.

Appeal to all the senses

In a world consumed with visual stimuli, were we filter our experiences through smart phones and computer monitors, shouldn’t we take the time to savor the full extent of what it means to have a human body? Understand how the senses create a full experience. Something as simple as a cup of coffee can become a full experience when you take into account the effect it can have in all your senses; as you become aware of the aroma, taste, and even the sound of its brewing. Extrapolate this awareness to every simple part of your evening.

Be Playful

We tend to take life WAY to serious, as everything has to become a social issue and a politically incorrect offense. We lost our ability to laugh, so anyone who shatters this armor also breaks our uptightness as well. THIS is why so many times you hear the comment about impressing women with humor. It’s not the humor itself, but the ability to let the other person relax.

Be Spontaneous

All too often we end up creating sterile, prefabricated and prerehearsed experiences within our dating life. “If it worked once, why not again?” becomes the usual mentality. The problem with this logic is that these experiences feel prefabricated and prerehearsed, as they ignore the reality that every person is different. Have a frame over which you lead your night, but be willing to scrap the plan without warning. Life’s most memorable experiences are usually the result of accidents.

Surprise Them With A Thoughtful Gift.

Yes, gentlemen. I am going there… I’m not talking about picking up the person with flowers, although I’m also not saying to avoid flowers.

If you are truly interested in a person, give them a token to make your intentions clear. Everything holds a message and a meaning, so this is your opportunity to say a lot without a single word.

On a side not, this token will remind them of the date long after the date has passed.

Never Make Yourself The Exception

There are three things in the world that deserve no mercy; hypocrisy, fraud, and tyranny.

Frederick William Robertson

Social media is an interesting thing, as it allows anyone to cast on themselves whatever image they wish. It’s like participating in a masquerade ball at a global scale where perception is more important than truth, where portraying an awesome life is more important than having one. On the opposite side of the same coin, online anonymity allows us to cart-blanc to wallow in our most base reactionary comments and actions. It allows us to judge others while at the same time excusing our own sins. And thus, online communities become at its core the land of the hypocrite.

This needs to change.

A long time ago I was told a simple truth. “Respect is what you offer others but honor is what you keep with yourself.” That’s a poetic way of saying that the only way you can talk the talk is if you walk the walk. Yet today we often love to make judgement calls on everyone, but when our own behavior is in question, we are quick to find some kind of moral justification, some excuse to why OUR behavior isn’t incorrect while if the same thing is done by another, THEY are wrong. All too often, the most judgmental among us, when caught committing the same sins they condemn, will easily excuse their behavior as they play dumb about their actions, will blame it on being human, or find some other morally ambiguous excuse.

Honestly? Being human IS an excuse to laps in moral judgement. In truth, it’s the only real excuse for it. But parading on the high ground while constantly lapsing in your own actions basically turns you into a hypocrite. And there is no greater sin than being a hypocrite.

And that’s where it bothers me. I tend to gravitate to like-minded individuals, people who hold themselves up to standards usually above those necessary in today’s society. Even if I don’t agree with you, if you are honest about yourself, I can respect you as a person. Yet so often I have found myself butting heads with those who call themselves moral people, yet after you strip away their labels and masks, are far worse than those they condemn. Their ACT of superiority is done by putting others down simply to hide their own flawed nature.

This behavior is unacceptable and inexcusable. People who act this way aren’t just lying about who they are, but are willing to hurt others to keep up this lie. Sure, they might act that way due to a personal need for approval or to compensate for insecurities, but honestly, hurting someone else because you are hurt isn’t acceptable. If anything, it’s the most dangerous form of selfishness and these people receive no sympathy from me.

You don’t need to be liked by everyone. That’s ok. You don’t even need to be morally correct always. We are human after all. What we do need is to respect others and honor who we are. What we need is an open honesty about who we are and stop making excuses for ourselves. I’ll gladly take an enemy I can respect over a friend I can’t any day.

How To Become A Noble Man:

There are complete men and incomplete men. If you would be a complete man, put all of your soul's strength into all of your life's actions.

Eugenio Maria de Hostos

I once asked my grandfather how I could become a Caballero. He looked at me, somewhat amused at the question. He took a sip of his coffee and told me another story.

Do you know what's hell? Hell is the day you meet the man you could have become and then look into a mirror and see the man you actually became.

Many people will over complicate who they are simply to excuse not being more. They will complain that they don’t have the time to spend with their kids, yet have no problem making time to watch the ball game. They will complain how eating healthy is expensive, yet have no problem spending almost $10 in a Mocha Latte Triple Macchiato. They will complain how they wished they could be more romantic with their partner, yet spend their nights playing Call of Duty.

This is especially true within the “Social Justice Circle” as they will create morally acceptable excuses to do little while at the same time get a cheerleading section to back up their apathy. “I don’t dress up because I am my own man and magazines can’t tell me how to look.” “I am beautiful just as I am, so I’m planning to let myself go to a point that, even though I might be disgusting, I’m still beautiful.” “I swear like a trucker and treat others like shit because you can’t judge me.” “How dare you (work out/dress up/actually educate yourself enough on a topic to question my opinion). You’re the problem, not me!”

Personally, I am too tired to fight that fight, calling out all the bullshit excuses people use to actually do little for themselves. Because the reality is, it’s not that complicated to become a better man, or a better person. It’s not easy, but it’s not that complicated.

Start by defining who you want to be, what makes a better man in your eyes. Look at those around you, what do they do that inspires you? Do you want to be more dependable? More romantic? More honorable? Throw into the mix anything and everything you think makes a better man, a better you.

You know what you just did? You just created your own role model. In a society where role models are few and far between, having your own in your back pocket is more than just a social hack, it’s a survival tool.

Now for the hard part. Become that man. This takes work, self-sacrifice, and determination. It takes throwing away the ability to make excuses for your own behavior. You want to be more educated? Force yourself to study. You want to be more skilled at something? Force yourself to practice. You want to be there for those who you care about? STOP MAKING BULLSHIT EXCUSES AS TO WHY YOU'RE NOT THERE!

But here’s a little trick. Role play that man you want to become. Act out the qualities he has while you grow. Use him as a shell, as a suit that still fits to big, one that you will grow into. In simpler terms. Fake it till you make it.

After a while you will notice that the suit seems to shrink and fit better. The reality is that it’s not the mold that shrinks, but that you grow. And after a while you won’t need the mold any more as you became the man you wanted to become.

It might not be easy, but it’s really that simple.

Chivalry Myths-Busting Cheatsheet

 

The lion doesn’t turn around when the small dog barks.

-African Proverb-

When I started writing publicly about Gentlemanly behavior, every once in a while I would be confronted by someone questioning the nature of Chivalry. They would fiercely call it outdated or even sexist, and would then go on a rant as to why it should be removed from our society. After explaining and debunking several misconceptions on Chivalry and the Gentleman Archetype to the non-believers, they would simply admit they knew little on the topic, as most would simply repeat the “chivalry is dead” chant blindly.

Although I have heard a lot less of these misconceptions lately, they still pop up every once in a while. So I thought that instead of telling people to go and read my entire blog to understand Gentlemanly behavior, I should basically give a series of quick recaps to bust some of the more pervasive myths of Chivalry.

For this case I will focus on European Chivalry and ignore the fact that the Gentleman Archetype is present in every single society within the Civilized world throughout history. (More on that here)

Chivalry Is Outdated.

When people mention Chivalry as outdated, they are talking about Knightly (Medieval Chivalry). And sure, Medieval Chivalry IS outdated. But that’s not what Chivalry is. Chivalry is a constantly evolving code of concepts to being a better man.

Medieval Chivalry evolved from the Roman Military Cult of Disciplina (Goddess of Discipline). As the armored knights phased out of history, Chivalry evolved into the code followed by the Nobility. After the Nobility phased out, Chivalry evolved into the code followed by Socialite Gentlemen. And to this day it keeps evolving. So what you see today is the result of thousands of years of refining and redefining how men can become better men.

Chivalry Is Dead.

Let me start stating something to all detractors or defenders of Chivalry and the Gentleman Archetype. The Code has outlived every single social group that has declared it dead.

Did you read the previous comment as to how chivalry is constantly evolving? Within every single social change, Chivalry has been declared dead. When the Roman Empire fell, the Cult of Disciplina was declared dead. When the knights where replaced, Knightly Chivalry was declared dead. When people rebelled against the Nobility, Chivalry was declared dead. The latest unnecessary eulogy comes as society challenges traditional gender roles and gender obligations, be it women challenging a sexist society or men assuming that everyone expects them to be gentlemen.

If you wish to bring up the “but I don’t see gender”,  please read this before dismissing the realities of what makes up a person.

Chivalry is sexist.

This is one of my main pet peeves, as I have always considered that my Gentlemen Values reinforce the notion of Gender equality. I will break down this topic into two aspects, the historic concept that idea that women are viewed as inferior or weak within Knightly Chivalry, and the idea that modern Chivalry is Sexist.

From a historical perspective, Knightly Chivalry defended women. Yes, it did. But to understand this, you have to look at it within the historic framework. The Bubonic plague just wiped out about half of the people within the known world. The ability to give birth and keep a community going meant that women HAD to be protected. It was the only way to ensure that a town would keep going. Did that mean that women where viewed as helpless? Far from it. There were women Knights fighting side by side with their male counterparts, and even Knightly Orders made up exclusively by women existed throughout Europe. Yes, women knights also followed the same code of Chivalry the men did.

From a modern perspective, we live in a society that still threatens women with an overwhelming level of violence. Part of the choice (because it’s a choice) of being chivalrous is challenging these attacks, not because a woman is weak, but because she shouldn’t need to have to deal with these kind of attacks. Also, if you find a Gentleman's actions sexist, the problem isn't that chivalry is sexist, but rather the man.

I’m chivalrous, not because you’re a woman but because I’m a gentleman.

Chivalry is for hit on women.

Basically a Gentleman's actions are defined by how they will serve to impress a woman? (see previous topic.) A married man can’t be a Gentleman within this mentalinty, nor can a a gay man for that matter.

My actions are based on my character, my values, and my virtue; and not by your own preconceptions. As a man and as a Gentleman, I find this even offensive. Your comment says more about you as a person than about me as a Gentleman.

Chivalry is expected from men.

Guys, let me answer this the easiest way possible. No.

Chivalry is a choice. And those who chose to be Gentlemen are so rare that nobody is expecting you to be chivalrous.

Chivalry is impractical.

Another one based on lack of information. Gentlemanly behavior, manners, and etiquette are based on practical aspects. Opening doors, walking on the outside of sidewalks and even pulling chairs have a practical reason for being. If you’re really interested, read here.

So, I hope this clears up some of the general misconceptions. Most of these topics are covered and expanded in several of my other posts and articles. Review them, consider them, and head out to prove how a better man can make a better world by being an example.